Jokes!, Post your chuckle worthy jokes here :) Options

[clavicembalo]

Not sure if this should be in the joke thread or what's made you happy thread, but here goes...

My son just came home from an afternoon with my mother looking very pleased with himself and presented me with a folded paper napkin, which he proudly told me contained a tooth which had come out during a meal at a certain fast food restaurant. Now this got me a bit confused as he hasn't had any loose teeth in quite a while and would usually be playing with them for a good few days before they eventually came out. I opened his mouth to check and could find no gaps. When I opened up the napkin I found a piece of gristle from a chicken nugget! My son had felt this in his mouth while chewing, taken it out of his mouth and shown it to my mother who swore blind that it was a tooth.

Now, who should I be most worried about? My son who thought he'd lost a tooth even though he had no loose ones and no gaps? Or my mother, who should really have known the difference between a tooth and a piece of gristle?

I now have one very disappointed little boy who won't be getting a visit from the tooth fairy tonight, but at least it's made me laugh until my sides ached.

You could call it a McMolar! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

[Fran*Piano]

I bought a grenade using my credit card......it all went wrong when they asked for my pin .......

I actually love this (IMG:style_emoticons/default/rofl.gif)

[stetenorve]

Are part time bandleaders semi-conductors?

[Fatissimo]

My friend was asking me if the person I spoke to about buying a car is a MECH-NIC - pronounce as spelt - (mechanic), I answered ''No he is not a MECH-NIC but a MECH-NISM'' (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) ..

[Fatissimo]

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes Sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my ######," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't #### out of it," the man replied. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

[John Willett]

"Panda: bear-like mammal, eats shoots and leaves… "

That is how it *should* be in the dictionary.

In the joke it should be quoted as:- "eats, shoots and leaves" - ie: with the comma that should not be there (there is a whole book on this).

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

[John Willett]

Q) What is so wonderful about bagpipes?

A) They make the perfect kindling for an accordion fire.

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

[stetenorve]

Why do they call it rap music?

Because the letter C fell off at the printers.

[Mad Tom]

"Hoots Mon"

... as the Scotsman said to the Owl

(or was it the other way around (IMG:style_emoticons/default/huh.gif) )

[Solari]

Are part time bandleaders semi-conductors?

I used to think a transistor was a nun that liked wearing men's clothes.

(posted this once before I think but it was relevant! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif))

[Maizie]

I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked.

So I clicked "Add to cart."

[Arundodonuts]

Q) What is so wonderful about bagpipes?

A) They make the perfect kindling for an accordion fire.

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

I shall have to check the building insurance small print. We have both in the house.

Though the pipes are Northumbrian Smallpipes and the accordion is a melodeon (ickle button accordion), so they wouldn't hurt anyone.

Shall I just keep quiet about the viola?

[Fran*Piano]

Are part time bandleaders semi-conductors?

I used to think a transistor was a nun that liked wearing men's clothes.

(posted this once before I think but it was relevant! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif))

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/rofl.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/rofl.gif)

[Robodoc]

Two silkworms had a race: They ended up in a tie.

The cartoon dwarves that failed the audition for the Snow White movie included 500 dwarves all called Psychic: A large number of small mediums.

If you bomb a French Kitchen do you get Linoleum Blownapart?

If puppies are born at the roadside would the owner be guilty of littering?

Vultures travelling on Ryanair were stopped from taking 2 dead rabbits with them: Only one Carrion allowed.

Two fish swam into a concrete wall. One turned to the other and said "Dam!" (will that come out with hash signs? No! Oh good)

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

[stetenorve]

So there's two fish in a tank. One says "It's my turn to drive!"