When, or whether, to ask awkward questions Options

[linda.ff]

I'm teaching two teenage brothers who are giving me cause for concern.

Neither is particularly advanced on the piano for their age. The older, who is now 16, got a distinction at grade 1 about three years ago, then nearly two years later scraped a pass at grade 2. His younger brother, now 13 or 14, started very fast, excellent reader and learner in the earlier stages, and got grade 1 at the same time as his brother's grade 2 and got a merit.

Both have stopped practising completely; both say they really do want to but can't get themselves motivated to do it. The younger is due to take grade 2 this summer, and the older says he wants to do grade 3. Both are taking an age to learn anything

I like them both immensely, by the way, especially the older one.

I am wondering if there is a problem at home which is affecting them badly. I don't see their mother except if she turns up to give one of them a lift home (in the summer, though, they usually cycle) and she just waits outside in the car. Two weeks ago the younger one told me their father was in hospital, and from the partial information I've been given it's not life-threatening but he's not well.

I've asked a couple of times how he is (I think I've only met him once, and that was briefly through a car window) and the younger one, particularly, is rather non-committal; he muttered something about not seeing his dad all that often.

I haven't liked to ask "well, does he actually live at home?" because it's none of my business. I think really, unless they want to make it my business, nothing about their home life, or that of any of my pupils, is my business. But I'm concerned that something might be causing some unhappiness. The younger one's never been all that chatty, but now he doesn't volunteer anything. The older boy often used to tell me how he was feeling, and occasionally relate anecdotes from school. He's in the middle of GCSEs and will usually tell me how they are going.

I think I need to write a letter to their mother, but I'm really not sure what to say. I spoke to her a few weeks back and said there wasn't much practice going on, and she didn't seem all that concerned. The older boy said it was more his Dad who would be concerned about paying for no progress, but that was as far as it went.

I feel really unhappy about this situation. It could just be Dad's illness that is worrying them, and I sometimes wonder if even asking how he's doing is being intrusive. I feel for these boys, there's some not-quite-right vibe coming across, but I'm really stuck here.

Attendance has been impeccable; this is a family who pay at the end of the half-term - not what I would normally want, but that was the arrangement their mother asked for, and I have to send her a bill and the cheque comes back without fail.

Do you think your pupils' home life is any of your business? And what can you do if you sense some unhappiness? I'm not suggesting any kind of abuse or neglect.

[Scooby Doo]

Tricky, isn't it? You want to help, be a sympathetic ear if they need it, not be intrusive...

It sounds as though you have given them opportunities to talk, and they haven't really responded, so perhaps they don't want to and their piano lessons represent an escape from whatever is going on and they don't want Dad's illness or whatever spilling over into this time.

You say you've spoken to Mum a while back. Is it worth a quick phone call to her to voice your concerns? The worst she can do is tell you to mind your own business, but she might fill you in on a bit more of what is happening and enable you to respond appropriately to the boys. There must be a tactful way of approaching this - perhaps along the lines of your concern about the lack of practice, but not wanting to put too much pressure on them if they have other worries at the moment?

[Susie]

Difficult situation. Having said that boys, particularly teenage boys can be quite uncommunicative. One desperate mother and I used to pool the information we managed to glean from her son.

Nevertheless, you must feel that the situation warrants action on your part - especially as you've brought it up here. I agree that the lack of motivation is rather a concern and I agree with Scooby Doo that a phone call might be the best option, especially as you might not want grade 3 clashing with GCSEs so you might use that as some sort of entree into a conversation?

[Minstrel]

I certainly wouldn't 'pry' unnecessarily, however I'm a firm believer that any sort of education - music or otherwise - has to be a three-way loop between pupil, teacher and home and that relevant information needs to circulate all ways to make the child''s learning as effective as possible.

These sort of situations are best dealt with face-to-face with parent or parents in a friendly, relaxed manner, and, if ideally possible, without pupil present. If the family are experiencing a sticky patch then it is likely that this parent will appreciate your understanding as well as help you plan lessons and homework around whatever is happening at home.

However, in my experience, this is the age when many other factors start to come into teenagers' lives and, sadly, sometimes those things which they may have valued more when they were younger may drop off. Could it be that, whatever the situation at home, their probably very socialble teenage lives no longer have a space in them for music practice?

[dolce@piano]

I'd ask.

Better to pry (gently and discretely) than regret it later.

And it's true - we see our pupils on a one-to-one basis, week in week out. In fact, we're often the only adult they get one-to-one time with apart from their parents (and sometimes that's not even true either). So I think, in general, we do know them well and know when things aren't quite right.

The mother is the obvious answer but I think I might start with the older boy - after all, he's 16, you get on well with him . . .I'd ask him nicely if everything was alright, any problems, anything you could do to help (maybe even saying that you were concerned about his younger brother although I know this is stepping on thin ice).

He might tell you everything, he might just mutter something that's quite revealing, he might say absolutely nothing.

But at least he'll know that you care and are interested in HIM. The trouble with talking to the mother (especailly if she's not that interested) is that it looks (albeit wrongly) like you're complaining about them.

.

[jenny]

I understand how you feel and think that you really need to talk to the mother so that you can get a clearer picture of what's going on. I know that some teachers on here are not keen on contact through emails, but I find that this a very good way to keep in contact with parents I don't often see or get the chance to talk to. It seems to me that most parents would rather put down their feelings in an email than do so in a phone call - and I must admit that I'm the same.
It's probably worth a try.

[linda.ff]

I understand how you feel and think that you really need to talk to the mother so that you can get a clearer picture of what's going on. I know that some teachers on here are not keen on contact through emails, but I find that this a very good way to keep in contact with parents I don't often see or get the chance to talk to. It seems to me that most parents would rather put down their feelings in an email than do so in a phone call - and I must admit that I'm the same.
It's probably worth a try.

I'll have a look and see if I've got an email address for her. She contacted me in the erly stages by phone, so I may have never mailed her, only the boys. I only have their mobiles and a home number and I really don't want to ring that as one of them could well be the one who answers.

I will probably have to write and stick it in the post. And yet... funny, isn't it? Somehow a letter from the postman with a stamp on it, unless it's from a close friend or relative, seems suddenly a bit over-formal (or maybe it's just me?)

I'll sleep on it for a couple more days. Thanks to everyone for their support.

If you remember the thread in which I said I'd dreamed abut writing individual practice points on cards for pupils to "deal" their practice out to themselves? These were two of the pupils I did that with, and it still finished up with no practice (IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif)

[Scooby Doo]

Yes, a letter does seem a bit too 'official' and you have no way of knowing how it was received or backing off if your concern is not appreciated. Could you ring during the day when the boys are at school? If Mum isn't there you can just leave a neutral message asking her to phone you back.

[Piano Meg]

Or have you sent your bill for this half-term yet? If not, perhaps you could put an informal note in with it??

[Pianotimes]

Having lived through my brothers long teenage years nightmare(!) yes they can be uncommunicative. They may just be reacting badly to dad being ill... No real harm in asking a general question to mum, putting a little note in with the bill seems like a great idea if you can. Perhaps something along the lines of you've noticed they seem to be struggling a little recently and please give me a call if there is anything you can do to help?
Its possible that mum may think you know already, she may think the boys have explained things to you (but they haven't!) Good luck. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[linda.ff]

Or have you sent your bill for this half-term yet? If not, perhaps you could put an informal note in with it??

Actually she's solved the problem herself by emailing me this morning, so I now have her email address, and we're now in communication. I've reassured her that what is their business will remain their business unless any of them feel they need or want to tell me, and I've mentioned the practice thing. So that part of the problem (how or if to ask) is now no longer there, fortunately.

[anacrusis]

You had raised a good question: I'm glad that you're now in communication with someone - and that that someone is their mum, rather than the boys. The reason that teens are often uncommunicative is that they genuinely can't always put their perceptions and feelings into words: they are having to cope with fairly major "rewiring" works in their heads as they mature, and that leads to that very familiar temporary difficulty with mood control and rationality. Even those who seem bright and more grown-up find these aspects more tricky than they will later on, and the process takes several years, later for boys than girls on average, which is why teens can feel like a challenge to have around. I think that the comments around providing an area of stability and predictability for the boys are spot-on: since there would appear to be something going on which might well be stressing them even more than puberty does, your tolerance and continuity can only help whilst the rest of life sorts itself out around them (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif). Be guided on their own apparent wish to communicate - since mum is now in contact, you can ask if you may refer to what's going on when talking to them, but if given permission, I'd be doing no more than saying you're aware of it, and sympathetic, and then leave matters there and focus on the lesson, unless they seem to be wanting to talk more (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif).