Sibling Rivalry, do you think it affects your music? Options

[harryjamespotter]

I got thinking about this when a friend (who is amazing at the cello but the only member of his family who is vaguely musical) said he wished he had a musical family so that they could discuss musical things and he could ask for advice and stuff.
Although, neither of my parents are musical, my older brother and sister are really really good at the violin and piano. In one way this is useful, as I check things like fingerings and bowings and stuff quickly and they just generally help me but sometimes it is just so annoying.
For example, most musical people, who are not my actual friends, refer to me as my brother’s sister instead of me as a person. And it just seems whatever I achieve, never seems as special because they have already done it. I know my parents don’t compare us but a lot of people just took it for granted when I pass and exam, audition etc, compared to when my sister first did it and it was a massive big deal, or when one of my friends does it! It just seemed that they assumed because, I’m from a musical family, whatever my siblings had done, I would do too!
I love them loads (most of the time) but sometimes I wish they weren’t musical at all, so my achievements would be more sort of recognised. And that sounds really horrible, but I do think it sometimes. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif)

So do you think psychologically, if we’re an only child or the oldest our playing is different to when we’re the youngest (or second youngest like me!). I’d be interested to hear your views because I think it does make a difference, even if it’s not obvious straight away!

[sarah-flute]

My brother used to play the piano. He was more natural at it than me even though musically in general I was better (he is about 5 1/2 years older than me).

When I first starting having piano lessons, I progressed really quickly, and this coupled with a rather horrible teacher we both had contributed (looking back) to him giving up. I think if he had had more encouragement from the piano teacher or from teachers in school then he may have stuck with it, but me getting on reasonably quickly was, I think, the last straw (IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif)

[Oddball]

For example, most musical people, who are not my actual friends, refer to me as my brother’s sister instead of me as a person.

I hate that - I get that. I'm X's friend, not Andy....kinda gets you down...

None of my family are musical, so in one sense that's good, because I never have to wait to use the piano, or whatever, I just go and play. But I do sometimes wish that there was someone I could discuss music with. My mum tries, bless her, to understand. I reckon she could be a good musician, but she doesn't try...or have the time (so she says) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif)

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[Kate]

I should get my brother and sister to read this... I am the oldest of three, my parents are not musical in the slightest. All three of us are musical, but me and my brother (who is the youngest) are slightly more enthusiastic about it than my sister. My sister says she sometimes feels like she's stuck in the middle, because whilst Will and I are stuck into music she says she wishes Mum and Dad took more notice of her food tech (she's very good at many things but her favourite thing to be good at is cooking - her ambition is to have her own restaurant, so I joke I'll get famous and she can have a really hyped up opening to her restaurant and I'll bring my celebrity friends! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) ).
I think she might feel pressured to play fantastically well when she should just focus on enjoying it. She recently got a piccolo, and although she has been playing flute for abput 5 or 6 years she found she was finding it easier than all of the more experienced flute players. I think sometimes she doesn't think she's as good as everyone else knows she is - she tends to think people are trying to 'console' her that I end up with more attention for my clarinet and piano than I really want. I don't like the feeling of being singled out at school - I play in concerts because I love performing... not because I want people saying "Wow, you're so great" It's nice to get recognition, but it's not what I do it for! Whereas if anyone tells Lucy, my sister, thats she's good, she thinks they're saying it because they think they have to make up for saying it to me. Does that make sense or is it garble?

[bohemian]

My sister plays violin, we started at the same time, she's 18 months younger than me and is almost grade 7 standard. When she realised that I was practicing a lot, she started doing the same (bless her) and she always asks me to help her, and asks to try my violin/bow/piece I played, or asks for my opinion on fingerings/bowings. I don't know if I annoy her because I'm always a little bit ahead...I hope not, I try to help her as much as possible. Sometimes we play duets together, that's fun. It's good, because when I hear her practicing, it makes me want to practice too, and vice versa.
It's also good having parents who are musicians - although my mother did take my violin off me today in order to try and get me to revise Chemistry (IMG:style_emoticons/default/mad.gif) To be fair I had been playing for rather a long time but still. They understand how important it is that I get to practice and have new strings more often than one might assume they are required, and how valuable stuff is, so they brought me up to treat instruments more carefully than a newborn baby!! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif)

[dacapo]

Anyone contributing to this thread would probably find the book Siblings without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish really interesting. I wished I had had it when my children were young (I'm an only child myself). It's easily available from Amazon. I think I'm on my third copy so far, having lent the other two... Sibling rivalry is a really important subject.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1853406...8083426-8755950

That address should take you straight to it, and there are some very detailed customer reviews.

On the other hand if you have an extra minute to spare to go via http://www.aldworthphilharmonic.org.uk/ any purchase you make will give a little reward to an enterprising amateur orchestra.

[Nicia-Clarinet-Flute]

As an only child with my parents not being musical, well my mum insists i teach her flute now i play it!! I have always never had to deal with this sort of thing. YAY i'm lucky!!

[nicki_flute]

Although my family have played instruments they're not really that musical.

Brother: Did grade 1 piano ages ago and gave up
Mum: Stopped playing piano before I was born
Dad: The same as Mum but with clarinet.

My brother gets jealous as he thinks my parents just spend money on me for my musical things and not him.

I wish I would have someone to talk to and play duets with, my parents are supportive in the sense that he comes to concerts with me, and they'll pay for things, but you just can't talk about music deeply with someone who isn't musical, it just isn't the same.

[harryjamespotter]

Wow, it's weird to hear the other end of the stick. I don't mean that I wouldn't want a musical family. Just that sometimes when you have older siblings, you tend to get overshadowed by them and sometimes it results in your playing lacking confidence etc etc. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/dry.gif)

[sarah-flute]

but you just can't talk about music deeply with someone who isn't musical, it just isn't the same.

True.

[Noodelz]

I'm older than my sister but she still gets praise when she passes. The main reason for this is because she always beats me with her exam marks. She's had several merits and I've only had one. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/dry.gif) She knows that it doesn't really matter and she still acknowledges me as the better pianist but she loves rubbing it in. I think it gives her the confidence she needs as my parents are always telling her to stop going to lessons. Becasue of that, I just let her do it. To be honest she gets more appreciation than me because of her marks.

She can talk to me about music but not vice versa. She doesn't know who Schumann is and gets Beethoven confused with Mozart. She usually just asks me for guidence with her pieces or about what pieces she should play next.

[Bagpuss]

There's quite a large age gap between Bag and Cyrilla. I'm sure had she not been older and playing the piano to a pretty high standard when I was small I wouldn't have shown such an early interest in learning for myself. As time went on it was me who became the "instrumentalist" in the family but her talents lie elsewhere (K word peeps) and between us we're a pretty musically competent pair of cats. We have both been blessed with a true natural talent for teaching and the fact that we come from slightly different parts of the musical fence doesn't make either of us a "better" musician than the other. We are united in our love for moosic and passionate in our Big Plan to try to make a difference to (music) education.

Cor, quite profound for Bag is that (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif)

Bag x

[Cyrilla]

Coo, sibling dear, yes, you are a Profound Cat tonight!

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/wink.gif)

Just to add that I totally agree with what Bag says - we have different but complementary talents so there is absolutely NO rivalry between us. In fact I think I'd go as far as to say that we're both desperately proud of each other...

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/wub.gif)

[Piano gurl]

I have two younger sisters who both play piano, as well as a second instrument. My piano teacher tells me that my youngest sister (aged 8) plays the piano a lot like I did at her age. She has progressed at about the same rate as I did too. My middle sister finds piano a bit more challenging- she found it really hard to get the hang of but since she got a distinction it boosted her confidence. I remember she used to be a bit jealous of me beacuse I had got distinctions in all my exams until g6 and she only had the the 1, but since she started the flute its changed. She progressed on it quickly and likes it more than piano. I think she likes the fact that no one else plays the flute in our family so she has no one else to compare herself with.

I love having two musical sisters, its great seeing them progress and I enjoy teaching the youngest how to sight read (she is just like me- she finds it so hard too). Its really sweet, she does a sight reading piece, then I do one. Thanks to me she passed her grade 1 sight reading as before that she failed in the mock exams my teacher did with her. I'm so proud of her! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wub.gif)

Its also nice when they ask me to accompany them in flute/violin pieces or ask me to give them pieces to play from my old books. Its much nicer having musical siblings even though there is a bit of rivalry as its lovely to have people close to you who understand music and dont mind you playing piano late at night!

Sorry I'm rambling so I will stop now.......(IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif)

[Katie1989]

There's quite a large age gap between me and my sister - 8 years, and she's just started learning piano. We're completely different in so many ways which I love. I passed grade 8 a few years ago and am hoping to go to music college when I leave school, but in a way I feel guilty about this when my sister talks about this. Bless her she says that she wished she won cups etc and had passed exams, when she's only just started! I think it kind of demoralises her before she's even started etc. It also hasn't had the hoped effect in encouraging her to practice or for me to help her as she's incredibly stubborn and simply argues with me when I gently tell her the note is a C not B (eg). But then again I barely touched the piano out of lessons fora couple of years and things are going quite well now!

I suppose it does have the advantage that she's grown up surrounded with music and discussions etc, she has an extremely good ear and musical memory and is really good at singing, so I think I've definately benefited her in that way!

It is a shame though that mum has already said she doesn't think my sister will get as far as me, when she's been learning only about a year, is more immature than I was at a young age so isn't likely to progress as quickly and approaches the whole thing completely differently to how I did. I think my sister picks up on this vibe and she refuses to pratice even more. However, my sister is fantastic at acting, is really outgoing and as I've already said really good at singing, so maybe that's more her path, who knows! It just seems a shame that she's so demoralised before she's even started and whatever we say/do can't really change her attitude!