Family support, Are your family supportive or not? Options

[LearnerFlute]

Hello,

When I started to learn the flute my husband and children were very supportive. My own parents think I am too old to be learning an instrument. Recently I have wanted to also learn the violin. I will still continue to learn the flute. Now I can feel the support slipping away. People are starting to mention that I should be concentrating on my kids more and I am taking on too much. My husband is still supportive and so are the kids. It is everyone else that is making me wonder if I am being silly. I was just wondering what other people's experiences were as adult learners.

LearnerFlute x

[Sunrise]

People ask me why I work so hard with lessons in 2 instruments and practice in another 2....my answer is that it is something that is a part of me...I now can say it's what I do, since I am now teaching etc - it all earns money.

But before that, with a job, teaching, family, plus the band and 3 instruments at that point - one of which I was doing DipABRSM they thought I was crazy. Probably still do, but I care less. My family are supportive, hubs sometimes more than others, but we now have an understanding...(mostly!). Kids love it - apart from when I'm away - and it does inspire them to practice too when they see me doing it.

[Alicia Ocean]

People are starting to mention that I should be concentrating on my kids more and I am taking on too much.

I'd be politely suggesting they find interests other than your lifestyle. (Mind their own business).

[cestrian]

People are starting to mention that I should be concentrating on my kids more and I am taking on too much.

I'd be politely suggesting they find interests other than your lifestyle. (Mind their own business).

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/agree.gif)

Possibly a degree of jealousy that you've the drive to learn three instruments, most don't have enough zip in them to learn one. You can spot them a mile off because they say things like "aren't you too old?"

[corenfa]

Most of my family is indifferent-supportive in that they don't bother me about playing the piano (but I also live alone, so I don't have to deal with *that* either). Mr corenfa is supportive in that he is also learning the piano (with occasional lessons from me), but I do also make sure that I don't completely leave him a "music widower" when I go for forum events (I won't spend the whole weekend away, for example) so maybe I never gave him the chance to complain about anything (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

I think that how you run your family and your interests are entirely your own business. I don't get the intrusive questions about how much time I spend with children, as I haven't got any, but then I do get stupid questions about why I haven't got any children, and I have started making up stupid answers.

All the best!

[Tenor Viol]

Agree with comment it's none of their business!

Bit of a long discourse to set the scene - I'll get to the point I want to make eventually (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif)

Once upon a time (and it was not long ago) people always had activities and interests outside of work and the home. Hobbies and interests of all types flourished and people got involved with groups etc to follow them. Could be anything from outdoor activities and sports, or history, astronomy, music, geology, etc etc.

Over the last 30 years we have seen this fall away. It doesn't matter what the subject is - local choir, amateur group of whatever type (astronomy, photography, geology, history, scouts) they all tell the same story - the complete collapse of membership from people in the 20 to mid 50s age range.

I'm sure there is a Ph.D in researching this! The reasons are many and complex. People are time poor. For people with families, parents are often taxi services as kids don't walk or use buses to get around (like I did); working days are often longer; people's commutes are longer - people used to live and work in the same town; television is an easy option, and so on.

I don't have a family, but there is pressure on me to work long hours, whic I try to push back on.

I have experience in two areas: choirs and amateur astronomy. I was invovled in administration of amateur astronomy from 1976 until 2006 (I started young (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif) ) from local level right up to national level. In the 70s, societies had a broad age range of membership from teenagers right through to people well into retirement. Many of these groups, especially in the large industrial cities, have a long proud history going back into the late C19th. Typical compositon was one third U20, one third 20 - 50; one third 50+. Nowadays it's more likely to be 10% under 25 and maybe another 20% covering 25 - 50 (i.e. one third covering everything U50) and remaining 70% over 50. Nationally, I used to get chairmen of local societies telling me the same story from across the country.

Choirs it's a similar story. Members U30 are rare - you do get a few. You do get younger ladies in the choir, but men U50 are very rare. I was 39 when I joined the choral society - I was the youngest man in the choir. For almost all of the time since (over 12 years) I have remained the youngest. It's only in the last year that that has changed.

Over the years I've talked to archaeology groups, geologists, ship societies, history groups, photography groups - they all tell the same story: the decline of membership from people of working age.

So, back to the main story (IMG:style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif) From my own experience at work, relatively few working-age adults are occupied in "hobby" type activities. The consequence is other people do not understand this behaviour and have no experience of their own to relate to. Consequence is they regard it as odd.

I'm a firm believer in individuality (that's a surprise given I play the viol!) and something which I find very sad is the way that modern society is so conformist. It was bad enough when I was at school to plough your own furrow (yes I preferred astronomy to football and I preferred Mozart to heavy rock). I think it's much worse now.

So, more power to your elbow and we should celebrate individuality and ploughing of furrows (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif) . It's ironic in an age that "celebrates diversity" (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif)

[Alicia Ocean]

In childhood I was only allowed to play the organ. There wasn't just no support for other instruments, they were actually Forbidden. Of course that wouldn't stop a naughty child and I bought a flute out of secret savings when I was ten, and learned to play the piano in the practice room at school and while babysitting (poor children I was minding must have got no sleep).

As an adult no one gets to tell me what to do. I have no tolerance at all for other people being prescriptive about what instruments I am allowed to play, how many, where or when (I try not to wake my children early on Sundays as I'll have to leave off practicing to start catering). I guess I radiate this opinion as no one has challenged it.

I take this aggressive stance when I hear of other people being criticised in their musical aspirations too. Blood starting to boil now... Red Mist decending... Let me know who/where these criticisers are and I'll come round and shout at them for you.

[Hiraeth]

Hello,

When I started to learn the flute my husband and children were very supportive. My own parents think I am too old to be learning an instrument. Recently I have wanted to also learn the violin. I will still continue to learn the flute. Now I can feel the support slipping away. People are starting to mention that I should be concentrating on my kids more and I am taking on too much. My husband is still supportive and so are the kids. It is everyone else that is making me wonder if I am being silly. I was just wondering what other people's experiences were as adult learners.

LearnerFlute x

I have the same scenario more or less. Maybe I am being slightly selfish but I have wanted to learn to play the piano for a long long time. Food still gets put on the table, the washing is still done, I still go to work etc. I am even more determined to practice, I just sometimes have to be up at silly o'clock to get it done. I suspect that the people who tell me I am too old, neglecting my husband, kids etc are just jealous that I am getting some me time. If you really want to learn your instruments then keep at it. It's good for the children to see that mummy has interests of her own too.

[Maizie]

People are starting to mention that I should be concentrating on my kids more and I am taking on too much.

I'd be politely suggesting they find interests other than your lifestyle. (Mind their own business).

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/agree.gif) too (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)
If the arrangements you have work well for you and your immediate family (i.e. those dependent on you [be that children, spouse, parents, etc]), then it isn't the business of anyone outside of that group to pass judgement or even casual comment!
In my experience (well, my extended family), it's definitely the aunts who feel most free to make mention of the fact the lifestyle you have chosen isn't the one you 'ought' to be following. Huh, I've just made a mental note to be suitably supportive towards my brother's children in doing whatever it is they and theirs choose to do, and not be a dreaded aunt (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

[sbhoa]

Like corenfa I'd describe my family as indifferent-supportive.
This was pretty well always so from playing instruments at school and finally getting my much wanted but not expected piano lessons at 14. It was what I did.
My husband and children have never known me not doing music in some way and luckily my husband didn't expect me to change when we got married. Having separate interests served us well when the children were young since being out on different evenings meant we didn't need to compromise or get baby sitters.
Having interests outside the home also meant that our children grew up knowing that we had things we enjoyed doing the same as they did and that we all had to fit in together. I was lucky enough to be a stay at home mother but stopped piano lessons for a few years when the children were young as I didn't feel able to practice enough for it to be worth it.
Now our children are grown I do take the weekend away for things like forum events and my husband has away trips to watch sport (mostly cricket). It's accepted that practice happens and that it means that being at home doesn't necessarily mean being available.

[BadStrad]

People are starting to mention that I should be concentrating on my kids more and I am taking on too much. My husband is still supportive and so are the kids. It is everyone else that is making me wonder if I am being silly.

People just like to criticize and be negative. I think it's mostly because they don't like change, or because they envy someone who's following a dream. I guess some people might just be mean-spirited.

I've lost count of the people who've "kindly" told me how "brave" I must be - learning "such a hard instrument" at "my age". I'm hardly geriatric (though feeling it right now). Maybe they think they're being kind? Maybe they think they have a right to comment on how I choose to live my life? Maybe they should just butt out!

We all have 24 hours in a day. Some people choose to get up early and go to the gym. Some people choose to watch TV all evening. Some people spend all Saturday at the footy then the pub. Do those people get criticised? Nowhere near as much as someone wanting to spend their time learning an instrument.

I'm lucky - my OH is very supportive, but my birth family and most other people I know think I'm nuts, but frankly I don't care. Sometimes I think I'm nuts, spending all this money, effort and time for what is unlikely to be more than a hobby, but I enjoy it, and when it goes well the pain and the effort and the expense is worth it. And when it goes badly - it's still worth it.

I think if I was a parent getting the kind of criticism the OP is getting I'd ask "So what do you think I should be doing then?" Or ask "How much time do you spend engaged with your children?" As opposed to watching TV while they're on Facebook. I'm sure watching mother making the effort to chase a dream, watching her determination and dedication, how she deals with frustrations and still keeps going must be much more useful life lessons to the kids than slobbing in front of the TV. (Yes - I realise it's not an either/or situation - music/TV - I'm just using those as shorthand).

Learnerflute - the only think that would be silly is to give up your dreams because of the criticisms of someone else. You and your family are happy with your musical pursuits. That is all that matters.

Sorry - rant over. But I feel very strongly about this.

[StuMac]

My family are vaguely supportive / politely disinterested - my sister's children have never known me not to play the piano so they just don't think about it much

I've actually stopped telling people that I'm an "adult learner" - if they ask how long I've been playing I just say "years", which is true. If they ask about playing as a kid I just say that I never used to practise when I was a child, which is also true.

So I suppose I don't encourage other people!!!

A surprising number of people say how lucky I am and how they wished they'd learned as children, too late now etc. I'm afraid to say that I offer no help at all apart from to say that learning piano has very little to do with skill and a lot to do with practising every day for several years. Very few people believe me - so I don't try to change their minds.

Comments above about hobbies are very true - I've been involved with Am Dram / Music theatre for many years. There is usually some interest from teenage girls, but males under the age of 50 - forget it. A friend of mine is also a very keen member of the local bridge club - at 47 he is the youngest member!

[bassoonista]

People outside my immediate family think it's a weird thing to attempt in my 50's, but my daughter who is in her 1st year of a music degree, has played piano for me to practice exam pieces, and tests me on scales, and my son, who is grade 7 on cornet, will help me with reading awkward rhythms now that his sister is away from home. My husband has been inspired to take up Sax, something he's wanted to do since childhood. We have a standing joke, that we have a family band called "The ASBO's" (as A, S, B, & O are our initials!!)
When I first started, four years ago, everyone understood that my time practicing was important to me, and were very supportive. Now that the kids are starting to live their own lives, it's become something worthwhile to do with the extra time I now have for myself.
So, keep it up. If the family don't understand your passion for music, that's their problem, not yours. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wink.gif)

[GrantM]

No-one round here seems to mind my taking up the violin in my 50's.

Maybe they're resigned to my eccentric ways by now... (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[anacrusis]

It was my husband who found me my first recorder teacher, and chummed me on the harpsichord when I was trying to teach myself treble recorder: the kids were smallish at the time I started (about seven and five, I think) and tended to bounce in and out and demand attention when we were playing. We rarely played for longer than an hour or so though, and not every day, so we didn't feel too guilty or neglectful. It's good for kids to learn to entertain themselves too - I find dawn to dusk packed timetabling of kids' lives to be a bit precious and stifling, to be honest.

Extended family, well yes, they're different. Some of my lot do think the full package of middle class curriculum is the way to go, and feel it's their business to imply we're rubbish parents, most of them think the recorder is for kiddies, and have taken a very very long time indeed to realise that I might actually have moderate skill at playing by now, and that the effort has been worth it. Other parents in the school playground have clearly thought that music lessons are something you put kids through for their CVs and personal statements, and have asked me why on earth I've been taking them, as if one grows out of learning (IMG:style_emoticons/default/mad.gif) .

Are parents selfish to follow their own wishes and desires when the kids are growing up? I don't think so - not if they also spend time with their kids: it's a balance. For one thing, parents who devote their every waking moment to their kids' lessons in dancepianojudokumonswimminggymnasticsviolin, enforced socialising in cubsbrowniesyouthgroupdrama and supervising homework and practice suddenly find, after a couple of decades, that the last of the brood has fled the nest and they've got no meaningful existence of their own to follow - doing music, or art, or sport, or whatever it is which rocks your boat, can ensure that you have something to do when the kids flit. The kids also are able to learn to plan their own time a bit, which can help when they move on to the more independent bits of life.