Pushy Parent Rant! Options

[BarbaraR]

I wonder if she's stopped to think that she wouldn't be likely to expect you to to have the level of expertise needed to know how to forward-plan her work for her in whatever her profession is?

[Flossie]

Some are covered by one teacher, the other does different pieces. I would never tell her teacher when she is doing an exam because I think it is wrong, but sometimes it can be the child pressurising the parents. Mine tells me she must do grade 5 at 11, no matter how many times I tell her she doesn't.

So your daughter has 2 teachers for the same instrument and you never tell them that she is taking an exam? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif) Do you teach the same instrument yourself? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif) If not, how do you know that she has the instrument-specific experience required for the exam when you enter her for it?

Have you ever talked to the teachers about her having another teacher for the instrument and about your entering her for exams? If not, then I might be a good ideal to gradually (and carefully!) broach each subject because if the teachers suddenly find out that you'd been entering your daughter for exams behind their backs and have been using another teacher without their knowledge (if this arrangement doesn't have the agreement of both teachers) then they are likely to feel deceived and this could be very damaging for the relationships involved. However good your intentions in the approach you're taking (and I'm sure you are doing what you believe is best for your daughter), I'm concerned that the teachers could easily feel that you are manipulating and undermining them. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif) Sorry if this sounds critical, but I'm concerned that you are in danger of creating problems which could hinder, rather than help, your daughter's progress and it would be a shame for that to happen.

[KixMusic]

Some are covered by one teacher, the other does different pieces. I would never tell her teacher when she is doing an exam because I think it is wrong, but sometimes it can be the child pressurising the parents. Mine tells me she must do grade 5 at 11, no matter how many times I tell her she doesn't.

So your daughter has 2 teachers for the same instrument and you never tell them that she is taking an exam? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif) Do you teach the same instrument yourself? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif) If not, how do you know that she has the instrument-specific experience required for the exam when you enter her for it?

Have you ever talked to the teachers about her having another teacher for the instrument and about your entering her for exams? If not, then I might be a good ideal to gradually (and carefully!) broach each subject because if the teachers suddenly find out that you'd been entering your daughter for exams behind their backs and have been using another teacher without their knowledge (if this arrangement doesn't have the agreement of both teachers) then they are likely to feel deceived and this could be very damaging for the relationships involved. However good your intentions in the approach you're taking (and I'm sure you are doing what you believe is best for your daughter), I'm concerned that the teachers could easily feel that you are manipulating and undermining them. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif) Sorry if this sounds critical, but I'm concerned that you are in danger of creating problems which could hinder, rather than help, your daughter's progress and it would be a shame for that to happen.

I *think* that minimum meant that she wouldn't tell them that she wanted her entered for an exam not that she would enter her herself and not tell the teacher?

[Flossie]

Some are covered by one teacher, the other does different pieces. I would never tell her teacher when she is doing an exam because I think it is wrong, but sometimes it can be the child pressurising the parents. Mine tells me she must do grade 5 at 11, no matter how many times I tell her she doesn't.

So your daughter has 2 teachers for the same instrument and you never tell them that she is taking an exam? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif) Do you teach the same instrument yourself? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif) If not, how do you know that she has the instrument-specific experience required for the exam when you enter her for it?

Have you ever talked to the teachers about her having another teacher for the instrument and about your entering her for exams? If not, then I might be a good ideal to gradually (and carefully!) broach each subject because if the teachers suddenly find out that you'd been entering your daughter for exams behind their backs and have been using another teacher without their knowledge (if this arrangement doesn't have the agreement of both teachers) then they are likely to feel deceived and this could be very damaging for the relationships involved. However good your intentions in the approach you're taking (and I'm sure you are doing what you believe is best for your daughter), I'm concerned that the teachers could easily feel that you are manipulating and undermining them. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif) Sorry if this sounds critical, but I'm concerned that you are in danger of creating problems which could hinder, rather than help, your daughter's progress and it would be a shame for that to happen.

I *think* that minimum meant that she wouldn't tell them that she wanted her entered for an exam not that she would enter her herself and not tell the teacher?

Ah. I read the post as saying that if her daughter was doing an exam she wouldn't tell the teachers. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif)

[maggiemay]

I confess I had to read that bit twice too !

[Matt Molloy]

Hi Dorabella,

You may find this article by my old teacher to be of use. He's quite a big fish in the Classical Guitar world so you could use that to add some weight to your side.

http://www.egta.co.uk/content/grade

Glad you've decided to hold your ground. Personally I think the comment about the husband not being pleased would have been a very good reason to indicate where the door was and tell them to use it, but you sound more tolerant than me.

Cheers,

Matt.

[Czerny]

I confess I had to read that bit twice too !

Me too. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ph34r.gif)

[notmusimum]

Some are covered by one teacher, the other does different pieces. I would never tell her teacher when she is doing an exam because I think it is wrong, but sometimes it can be the child pressurising the parents. Mine tells me she must do grade 5 at 11, no matter how many times I tell her she doesn't.

So your daughter has 2 teachers for the same instrument and you never tell them that she is taking an exam? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif) Do you teach the same instrument yourself? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif) If not, how do you know that she has the instrument-specific experience required for the exam when you enter her for it?

Have you ever talked to the teachers about her having another teacher for the instrument and about your entering her for exams? If not, then I might be a good ideal to gradually (and carefully!) broach each subject because if the teachers suddenly find out that you'd been entering your daughter for exams behind their backs and have been using another teacher without their knowledge (if this arrangement doesn't have the agreement of both teachers) then they are likely to feel deceived and this could be very damaging for the relationships involved. However good your intentions in the approach you're taking (and I'm sure you are doing what you believe is best for your daughter), I'm concerned that the teachers could easily feel that you are manipulating and undermining them. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif) Sorry if this sounds critical, but I'm concerned that you are in danger of creating problems which could hinder, rather than help, your daughter's progress and it would be a shame for that to happen.

I *think* that minimum meant that she wouldn't tell them that she wanted her entered for an exam not that she would enter her herself and not tell the teacher?

Ah. I read the post as saying that if her daughter was doing an exam she wouldn't tell the teachers. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif)

Think the child has two teachers because they learn two instruments but could have misunderstood.

[dorabella x]

Report!

Well, in some ways it was a bit of an anti-climax.

Mother comes in with youngest child, curtly announces that she was going to pick up eldest child, and would return shortly. I commence theory lesson, and in the middle of this, child turns to me and says "mummy had big argument on the phone with the music man in London" then returns to her theory question. I did not prompt this in any way.

Mother returns. I explain the problems with the theory homework, but praise the hands together scale (1 octave, very slow, but fingering and notes right). No comment made, she stuffs (literally) younger child's homework books in her bag. I praise younger child, as she has listened attentively to me.

Elder child sits at the piano. I ask her how she is, and how she has managed with her theory homework. Mother butts in about grade 6 scales. I turn to her, and confirm that I would be delighted to answer any non-topical questions in the last few minutes of the lesson, and as I explained last week, theory is the priority for this lesson. She glares at me, but shuts up. Lesson goes as well as can be, as child's theory is pretty weak, homework given, child states that they know what to do.

I turn to mother. Has she any questions? Beethoven sonata book brought out from bag. I get in first, and explain that I think (quoting my experience of many years) that the piece in question is far out of the current range of her child. Before she can speak I confirm my plan re grade 5 theory etc, and ask her point blankly whether she trusts my judgement. No comment made at first, but then, she looks at me, and states she only wants the best for her children. I answer that I realise this, and the only way to achieve it is to let me set a realistic schedule, that we all understand and abide by. Exit mother and children, no further comments.

Result? we'll have to wait and see - but thank you all - some of the phrases and suggestions were undoubtedly very, very useful.

Best wishes

Dorabella x

ps thank you very much to the man at ABRSM!

[CBDPHILLIPS]

Yay - I'd say a result. Well done for standing strong. You haven't worked all these years to have a parent rant at you just because she wants the best for her children - don't we all want what is best for them?

Well done! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

[Scooby Doo]

Report!

Well, in some ways it was a bit of an anti-climax.

Mother comes in with youngest child, curtly announces that she was going to pick up eldest child, and would return shortly. I commence theory lesson, and in the middle of this, child turns to me and says "mummy had big argument on the phone with the music man in London" then returns to her theory question. I did not prompt this in any way.

Mother returns. I explain the problems with the theory homework, but praise the hands together scale (1 octave, very slow, but fingering and notes right). No comment made, she stuffs (literally) younger child's homework books in her bag. I praise younger child, as she has listened attentively to me.

Elder child sits at the piano. I ask her how she is, and how she has managed with her theory homework. Mother butts in about grade 6 scales. I turn to her, and confirm that I would be delighted to answer any non-topical questions in the last few minutes of the lesson, and as I explained last week, theory is the priority for this lesson. She glares at me, but shuts up. Lesson goes as well as can be, as child's theory is pretty weak, homework given, child states that they know what to do.

I turn to mother. Has she any questions? Beethoven sonata book brought out from bag. I get in first, and explain that I think (quoting my experience of many years) that the piece in question is far out of the current range of her child. Before she can speak I confirm my plan re grade 5 theory etc, and ask her point blankly whether she trusts my judgement. No comment made at first, but then, she looks at me, and states she only wants the best for her children. I answer that I realise this, and the only way to achieve it is to let me set a realistic schedule, that we all understand and abide by. Exit mother and children, no further comments.

Result? we'll have to wait and see - but thank you all - some of the phrases and suggestions were undoubtedly very, very useful.

Best wishes

Dorabella x

ps thank you very much to the man at ABRSM!

Very well done, you! How did you keep a straight face re the nasty man in London?!!!

You've made your point now, so let's hope she's got the message and you can get on with your job.

[Norway]

Good luck for the future with this one Dorabella! You are blessed with saintly tolerance! If it were me, I'd have asked them to leave by now as it's horrible to work under this kind of pressure. I expect the mum is having a silly competition with another mum about whose child gets to grade 8 first (with clearly no understanding of the point of music and the difficulties involved). I've met a few parents like this in exam waiting rooms - imagined status for them comes at the price of cruelty to their children. Personally, I'd get my waiting list ready, quit at the next available opportunity and warn my piano teaching friends in the area. The network is a wonderful thing - teachers don't deserve this treatment, and neither do those poor children!

[notmusimum]

Good luck for the future with this one Dorabella! You are blessed with saintly tolerance! If it were me, I'd have asked them to leave by now as it's horrible to work under this kind of pressure. I expect the mum is having a silly competition with another mum about whose child gets to grade 8 first (with clearly no understanding of the point of music and the difficulties involved). I've met a few parents like this in exam waiting rooms - imagined status for them comes at the price of cruelty to their children. Personally, I'd get my waiting list ready, quit at the next available opportunity and warn my piano teaching friends in the area. The network is a wonderful thing - teachers don't deserve this treatment, and neither do those poor children!

I find this type of posting offensive.

I totally support Dorabella and completely agree that in this case the parent seems to be out of control and has unreasonable expectations.

I don't like the way you imply that this is common amungst parents. Wonders where you would get your pupils from if being supportive to musical children were banned as child cruelty.

There are deluded parents but most of us are trying to find a way through the musical maze not because we want to be there but because it's what our kids want.

[Susie]

Result? we'll have to wait and see - but thank you all - some of the phrases and suggestions were undoubtedly very, very useful.

Best wishes

Dorabella x

ps thank you very much to the man at ABRSM!

I'm pleased that it was a satisfactory situation for you dorabella x and that you managed to drive home your message for this lesson at least. As you say, you'll have to wait and see what happens, and I suspect your nerve will be tested in further weeks. Good luck! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

[Norway]

Good luck for the future with this one Dorabella! You are blessed with saintly tolerance! If it were me, I'd have asked them to leave by now as it's horrible to work under this kind of pressure. I expect the mum is having a silly competition with another mum about whose child gets to grade 8 first (with clearly no understanding of the point of music and the difficulties involved). I've met a few parents like this in exam waiting rooms - imagined status for them comes at the price of cruelty to their children. Personally, I'd get my waiting list ready, quit at the next available opportunity and warn my piano teaching friends in the area. The network is a wonderful thing - teachers don't deserve this treatment, and neither do those poor children!

I find this type of posting offensive.

I totally support Dorabella and completely agree that in this case the parent seems to be out of control and has unreasonable expectations.

I don't like the way you imply that this is common amungst parents. Wonders where you would get your pupils from if being supportive to musical children were banned as child cruelty.

There are deluded parents but most of us are trying to find a way through the musical maze not because we want to be there but because it's what our kids want.

Please note that I said "a few parents". I am not generalising!