Want son to give up flute, because he won't practice! Options

[tonedeafmum]

I hate what computers have done to childhood today. My boys are like zombies and have no imagination anymore. I like the PC idea and I think I'll get him to disconnect it! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

30 minutes flute = 30 mintes pc. That should see flute practice improve on a daily basis!

There's only the one computer in the house - it's my lap top and it's mostly on my lap. Haven't had any practice problems (yet) except that quantity tends to be easier to achieve than quality.
15 minutes isn't bad - if it's a good 15 minutes.

[Maizie]

I hate what computers have done to childhood today. My boys are like zombies and have no imagination anymore. I like the PC idea and I think I'll get him to disconnect it! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

A neat trick for desktop computers - remove the cable that joins the computer to the monitor. The computer can still be switched on, but you can't see anything. It's quick and easy, you don't have to do any major re-arranging or move big heavy things about (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)
My mother did this when her "in the process of becoming ex-" husband was in her house (doing some DIY out of guilt!) and she had to go out and didn't want him nosing on her computer. She came back and he had the Right Hump, so we think it was the correct thing to do.

[Pixie*Porsche]

hahaha on the computer stuff! The kids I teach seem to be more attracted to video games - xbox, playstation, wii, than actual computers (pc's) and the internet.

[sbhoa]

hahaha on the computer stuff! The kids I teach seem to be more attracted to video games - xbox, playstation, wii, than actual computers (pc's) and the internet.

I've removed plugs.

[jod]

hahaha on the computer stuff! The kids I teach seem to be more attracted to video games - xbox, playstation, wii, than actual computers (pc's) and the internet.

I've removed plugs.

That's our favourite trick, plus hubby taking the lap-top to work, or removing an important lead and taking that to work.

We are a multi computer house-hold and the children only have accounts on some of the machines. Their accounts can be blocked at admin level at any time, and guess what they do not have access to the admin account.

Easy, block their account, and keep mum and dad's passwords safe.

Make sure the game stations have a few vital components like plugs and leads missing and they have no gaming systems available. It may mean they need mum to sit with them if they need a computer to do homework, but who is in charge?

[sunil]

That trick could work very well, I heard it in one of Vanessa Mae's video that she has to earn play time.

30 minutes flute = 30 mintes pc. That should see flute practice improve on a daily basis!

[Ayshah]

hahaha on the computer stuff! The kids I teach seem to be more attracted to video games - xbox, playstation, wii, than actual computers (pc's) and the internet.

I've removed plugs.

i use to take out the fuse on the TV ... (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

Its early days. I agree that a duet partner might help. Can you take him to a flautist's recital? It might encourge him if he can see what hard work/practise eventually achieves.

[KixMusic]

If he derives pleasure from playing and is still improving through his ensembles is it essential that he DOES do more than 15 minutes a day? My 14 year old daughter rarely practices her Euphonium regularly unless something important is coming up (like her Grade 8 next week - she has been practising for about 45 minutes each morning before school for about 2 weeks now so should be fine) as she has many other committments both musicially and academically. She does however play it at least twice a week in school ensembles and she has a lesson in school for 30 minutes once a week - she normally makes sure that she has done at least one good practice session a week for the teacher so she's not wasting his time. I doubt that even adds up to the amount of time your lad is practising his flute but I wouldn't ask her to give up the euphonium

[violincjj]

I think perhaps that we want them to want to practise because then we would know that music mattered to them.

But we can tell that from other things - the way they perform and use their music to give pleasure to others, to help themselves on a day when school or friendships make them sad or as a social pleasure when playing with others. It is so easy to expect a direct equation like

I pay for your lessons + I support you + you practice loads = musical genius + my parenting looks great

The human dynamics are more important though I think. I have endured times when my 5 sons did little practice but I figured that stopping lessons would not improve their abilities. I am glad we kept going through the fallow practice times.

[MNW]

My equation is:

I pay+ I support you = least you can do is practice!

[violincjj]

My equation is:

I pay+ I support you = least you can do is practice!

But that's the problem. You're trying to keep control of it and it's not for YOU. It's for them. I think you have to freely give it and let them own the music for themselves. If they happen to share it, good. If they practice efficiently, good. But it's necessary for it to be a gift, not a contract, if it is to be a song with a happy ending.

[MNW]

My equation is:

I pay+ I support you = least you can do is practice!

But that's the problem. You're trying to keep control of it and it's not for YOU. It's for them. I think you have to freely give it and let them own the music for themselves. If they happen to share it, good. If they practice efficiently, good. But it's necessary for it to be a gift, not a contract, if it is to be a song with a happy ending.

But it never was a gift. When they took up instruments I told them that I expected them to meet me halfway, which means practice, and they could give up at any point. Families are not about giving to children all the time. It's a team and we all need to have some give and take. The older he gets, the more giving and less taking I expect. I will ask him if he doesn't practice, would he like music lessons as a Christmas present and then it will be a gift and he doesn't need to practice! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) I think he'll decline!

I do understand the sentiment though - you're a kinder mum than me!

[KixMusic]

My equation is:

I pay+ I support you = least you can do is practice!

But that's the problem. You're trying to keep control of it and it's not for YOU. It's for them. I think you have to freely give it and let them own the music for themselves. If they happen to share it, good. If they practice efficiently, good. But it's necessary for it to be a gift, not a contract, if it is to be a song with a happy ending.

But it never was a gift. When they took up instruments I told them that I expected them to meet me halfway, which means practice, and they could give up at any point. Families are not about giving to children all the time. It's a team and we all need to have some give and take. The older he gets, the more giving and less taking I expect. I will ask him if he doesn't practice, would he like music lessons as a Christmas present and then it will be a gift and he doesn't need to practice! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) I think he'll decline!

I do understand the sentiment though - you're a kinder mum than me!

But don't we as parents (i.e. the adult) need to look a bit "bigger" than that. If I said to my child who goes to a fee paying school (on a chunky bursary) "would you like me to pay your school fees as a christmas present?" then I'm sure I know exactly what she would say! She's a teenager after all. A dedicated, hard working, balanced (I hope (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif) ) teenager but still one who would tell me thanks but no thanks! Why would I expect her to say anything different? To ask your son the same about his lessons is the same idea and I can guess what he would say too (even though I've never met him)

You say you want him to meet you halfway - as a teacher (and parent) I'd honestly say he is. He IS practising. Sure, it might not be the amount you deem necessary but when he started lessons and undertook the "contract" with you ( as the lessons weren't a gift) did you specify how long you demand he practice every day and do you demand the same from both sons? If not then surely you can't move the goalposts on the lad without him getting a little irrate, confused, frustrated, downhearted, fed up etc?

A teenage lad playing the flute and practising for 15 minutes a day would be a dream to so many flute teachers on this forum. Why not run with it and wait for him to "want" more and therefore increase his practice of his own volition?

Please don't jump down my neck at me for offering my view or get defensive as you have done with others on different posts that have been replied to - I am only trying offer an alternative view and hope you will take it within the spirit in which it was offered.

[MNW]

My equation is:

I pay+ I support you = least you can do is practice!

But that's the problem. You're trying to keep control of it and it's not for YOU. It's for them. I think you have to freely give it and let them own the music for themselves. If they happen to share it, good. If they practice efficiently, good. But it's necessary for it to be a gift, not a contract, if it is to be a song with a happy ending.

But it never was a gift. When they took up instruments I told them that I expected them to meet me halfway, which means practice, and they could give up at any point. Families are not about giving to children all the time. It's a team and we all need to have some give and take. The older he gets, the more giving and less taking I expect. I will ask him if he doesn't practice, would he like music lessons as a Christmas present and then it will be a gift and he doesn't need to practice! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) I think he'll decline!

I do understand the sentiment though - you're a kinder mum than me!

But don't we as parents (i.e. the adult) need to look a bit "bigger" than that. If I said to my child who goes to a fee paying school (on a chunky bursary) "would you like me to pay your school fees as a christmas present?" then I'm sure I know exactly what she would say! She's a teenager after all. A dedicated, hard working, balanced (I hope (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif) ) teenager but still one who would tell me thanks but no thanks! Why would I expect her to say anything different? To ask your son the same about his lessons is the same idea and I can guess what he would say too (even though I've never met him)

You say you want him to meet you halfway - as a teacher (and parent) I'd honestly say he is. He IS practising. Sure, it might not be the amount you deem necessary but when he started lessons and undertook the "contract" with you ( as the lessons weren't a gift) did you specify how long you demand he practice every day and do you demand the same from both sons? If not then surely you can't move the goalposts on the lad without him getting a little irrate, confused, frustrated, downhearted, fed up etc?

A teenage lad playing the flute and practising for 15 minutes a day would be a dream to so many flute teachers on this forum. Why not run with it and wait for him to "want" more and therefore increase his practice of his own volition?

Please don't jump down my neck at me for offering my view or get defensive as you have done with others on different posts that have been replied to - I am only trying offer an alternative view and hope you will take it within the spirit in which it was offered.

At what point have I been defensive on this thread? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/huh.gif) Hard not to though when you make a comment like the one highlighted. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif)

I have appreciated all the comments, except the one where I apparently compare my children musically as there is no evidence of this, and I have especially appreciated your comments. To disagree is not being defensive, just seeing things from a different point of view - and in this case, I do agree with a lot of what has been said.

[Scooby Doo]

Has pulling out of the exam had any effect on his motivation? Is he practising more or less since deciding not to go ahead? If less, perhaps he does need a goal (not necessarily an exam) to work towards?

Is there something he really wants that you can dangle as a carrot to get him moving? Bribery always works a treat with my boys!