When to get involved and when to back off Options

[jod]

As a musical parent it has always been tempting to run my children's musical lives without leaving them any scope to discover or develop.

I realised long ago this was wrong and only led to resentment.

However now, it appears they have got to a stage where just being the taxi-driver is no longer my function in life.

Matthew now likes constructive comments about flute playing and is asking for singing lessons.

Younger son is asking for Piano lessons and singing lessons again.

Matthew is looking forward to being good enough at a piece that he can play it through with mum at the piano.

However unless I'm actually teaching there are clear rules of engagement. He sets the speed. I am an accompanist. His flute teacher is his flute teacher, unless it is a general musical point, then I have to keep those comments to the end.

It is good being back involved, but I know I could so easily over-step the mark that I will only do what I am told.

Part of this is a recognition from some of his school staff about my caliber as a musician. The rest is happening as he is growing up. Some more is coming from the fact that I think it is right that he develops his own musical personality distinct from mine.

It is so much more fun, and it is having a positive knock on effect with other subjects too.

One contented parent!

[schraeubchen]

Hi Jod,

that sounds great. I can believe it's difficult to go your own way in music, when one of your parents is a musician but you seem to have finde a good balance between help and overdose. Congratulations!!!

[fsharpminor]

Yes its quite a few years now since I had daughter doing piano and violin , and son doing trumpet.
I didnt teach daughter piano, though I probably could have. It was better that she go to a regular teacher, and indeed got up to Grade 8. I had to be very careful not to get involved too much when she was practising , though I was always happy to help if she needed it. It became much harder for me to back off as she got up towards Grade 7 and 8, and playing stuff that I played also. Sometimes her teachers ideas of interpretation were not quite the same as mine !
Violin was easier of course and I accompanied many of her exams. We love playing together for fun now, but rarely get chance as she is in Herts. (Hope to next weekend as we're down there for her Lay Reader Licensing)
I also accompanied son up to grade 4 trumpet then he packed it in ! Couldnt help at all with that !

[ViolaMum]

Hey Jod - it sounds like you have the perfect balance! Well done. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

I have yet to reach the stage where DS recognises that I know anything about anything, but he is only 10 so hopefully one day.......

In the mean time I get told off for interferring and then told off for not offering an opinion or helping! Oh well....all good practise for the teenage years ! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

[Banjogirl]

I often wonder if I'm too involved. Home ed boy (can't call him that now really, since he's at school (IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif) ) likes me to help with cello, and would be hopeless if i didn't because it's hard to remember everything his teacher said for technique. He likes to do piano by himself and does it quite thoroughly once he's got going. He's delighted to be going to a new and more advanced orchestra but I doubt he'd beg to go if I said it didn't matter. It's really hard to know when to push and when to back off. He was going to a new choir and very much in two minds and I was wondering what to do when suddenly it all came right (luckily the last rehearsal of term!) and now he's keen to get back. I might very easily have let him stop and then he'd never have got to this point.

I think it's really hard to know how far to go one way or the other. But I daresay we all mean well!

[jod]

Even when teaching I firmly believe my job is to bring out my pupils' individual musicality so surely this applies to my own kids too.

The trouble is will they see this?

Now that they are beginning to it is great.

There are things I can help them with, and things they have to discover themselves, and formulate their own value judgements on themselves. There are bound to be areas where we will have to agree to disagree. That is music for you. However when it comes to working with the breathe to help phrasing as opposed to adjusting the embouchure that's home turf. That is something that singing/oboe/recorder all have in common with the flute.

Or something as simple as putting a little crescendo and a poco rit in there so the piece sounds like it is actually meant to finish rather than you are apologising to it coming to an end - that is general musicianship.

They are the things where I can get the kids to ask the right sort of musical questions to develop that musical personality rather than leave them high and dry.

Although most of the time thus far it has been a case of 'your tuning was better than yesterday'. Or 'that scale was more even'.

I like to keep it constructive it works better - at least whilst carrot dangling is working!

[ViolaMum]

You are so wise Jod (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

BTW what is a "poco rit"?!!! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif)

[Czerny]

BTW what is a "poco rit"?!!! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif)

"poco" = "a little"
"rit" = either "ritenuto" or "ritardando" = "held back" or "slowing down".

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[jod]

BTW what is a "poco rit"?!!! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif)

"poco" = "a little"
"rit" = either "ritenuto" or "ritardando" = "held back" or "slowing down".

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

Thanks Czerny! you got there first! I usually use it as a shortened form of ritardando, but as ritenuto implies the same thing. Rit. is a standard musical shortcode.

I'm sorry ViolaMum it is something I'm so used to using I'm guilty as charged over using musical jargon and not thinking that it is common parlance. My fault!

I see it things like that written in music so often and know what it means that it becomes an automatic habit.

[ViolaMum]

Please don't worry about using terminology, as long as you are happy to explain it for dumbos like me (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wacko.gif)
At least that way that I can learn! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blush.gif)

[Misti]

It doesn't ever stop entirely, you know. I passed my driving test this year and drove my parents around a bit when I first bought my car (I needed navigators). They also notice things about how you drive, though. Had a few fraught shouting matches in the car over them interfering or not. Nothing worse than someone wittering in your ear about which lane you need to be in, when you're already trying to concentrate on 1001 things. Even comments like "Were you taught to stop a few meters back from junctions and roll up?!" were frustrating! ("Actually, yes. But I was driving a diesel then, where it works much better than in the blasted petrol car that keeps stalling!, and I'm not going to be able to change the habit overnight!").

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/ph34r.gif)

[Dulcet]

ARGHH.

Today I have had backchat re practice supervision from the sweet biddable one; yesterday I had a tantrum from the tantrummy one (why on earth would he not believe me when I said it was really stupid to sing a piece which is principally between c an octave up from middle c and high Ab without warming up???)

Cello boy said "Does it really matter?" when I told him that he had his bow over the fingerboard. And then decided he was completely uninterested in me pointing out that he played all 3 new pieces with completely incorrect rhythm.

I hate children!

[all ears]

Hope you all remember to breathe quietly and evenly throughout practice sessions, with unfurrowed brow and calm, unfocused gaze! I let out a sigh occasionally when working while Viohazard practices, and he is quick to assume that sighs and frowns are all directed at him. Wish I could get him to believe that I would be a very happy woman if his sticky staccato were the worst worry of my life.

However Viohazard and I have now made THREE trips with Airman driving, and have been model passengers. Although I must say, Airman was very patient when I told him right instead of left thanks to unfamiliar rotating map on his smartphone location app!

[Dulcet]

Hope you all remember to breathe quietly and evenly throughout practice sessions, with unfurrowed brow and calm, unfocused gaze! I let out a sigh occasionally when working while Viohazard practices, and he is quick to assume that sighs and frowns are all directed at him. Wish I could get him to believe that I would be a very happy woman if his sticky staccato were the worst worry of my life.

However Viohazard and I have now made THREE trips with Airman driving, and have been model passengers. Although I must say, Airman was very patient when I told him right instead of left thanks to unfamiliar rotating map on his smartphone location app!

I made nice with cello boy and got tantrum boy to video us playing "Banaha" to send off to relatives. First effort the tone was quite thin so for second effort I put the rolled up paper back in the f holes to improve bow position. This made the cameraman's work more tricky! Still calm has been restored (we still need to do singing and trumpet before bedtime though...)

I dunno. Cello boy is v resentful sometimes, and tantrum boy is just plain contrary. I can decide to ignore cello boy (but would you ignore a child who always, eg, wrote "h" back to front?") but tantrum boy is so tense that he can really end up in bad shape if not carefully monitored.

[tonedeafmum]

Oh dear! I'm really not able to get involved very much. My children know I am musically ignorant. I do ocassionally venture something along the lines of -
"Are you sure it's meant to sound like that?"
And, of course, the perennial favourite - "Have you read what the teacher wrote in your book about this piece?"

At least it does keep the practice trauma to a minimum. I have a much more musical friend who is driven demented by her otherwise quiet and biddable daughter who refuses to accept that a degree in Music and Education and 15 years teaching experience qualify "Mum" to give advice to a Grade 2 oboist. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)