Music Jokes......, What's your favourite? Options

[Arundodonuts]

From the Orpheus Chamber Orchestra Facebook page (they were asking for "good oboe jokes").

Just before a concert a hospital gets a phone call from backstage.
"Hello nurse. Our principal oboe has slipped and his reed is stuck in the roof of his mouth. What should we do?".
There was a pause, then the nurse replied "Use muted trumpet?"


Also from one of the Orpheus' violists "What's a good oboe?". Cheeky rat.

[Tom Piano]

I'm not sure this qualifies as a joke per se, but I did find it mildly amusing when I read it this morning:

"I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don't understand" - Sir Edward Appleton

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

[fipple]

[size=7]
Saxophones should be melted down and made into musical instruments

[corenfa]

http://www.messybeast.com/dragonqueen/mozart.htm

[barry-clari]

http://www.messybeast.com/dragonqueen/mozart.htm

Wonderful! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/rofl.gif)

[shaunthemusician]

What do you get if you toss a piano on top of an army camp ?

A flat Major (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

[ma non troppo]

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.

The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down."

The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"



A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes off it, and finally asked how much it cost. The answer was ``$79.95, but if you buy it, you can't return it for any reason.'' The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it. As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking. Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to the river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped into the river and drowned. The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked in, the owner said ``I told you you couldn't return the stuffed rat!'' The man said ``No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any stuffed violists.''

[Maizie]

From "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce (1906)

Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet - two clarionets.

Fiddle, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by the friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

Piano, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

[BadStrad]

Another viola joke - apologies in advance.

Why is a viola solo like peeing your pants?

Because no one can hear it and it's really embarrassing.

Sorry - but that always makes me laugh. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

[linda.ff]

Another viola joke - apologies in advance.

Why is a viola solo like peeing your pants?

Because no one can hear it and it's really embarrassing.

Sorry - but that always makes me laugh. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

And another couple:
What do you do with a dead viola player?
Move him back a desk

There was the viola player who bet the violinist he could play demisemiquavers. The violin player bet he couldn't. "I'll prove it," said the viola player, and played one.

A viola player went to a piano recital and came back to tell his friends about it. "It was lovely, mostly Beethoven. I love that one that starts with a trill - I think it was called Fur Elise"

Accidental: a wrong note played on purpose.

I had always referred to a root position triad on the piano as being in "yes-no-yes-no-yes" position becasue of what it looks like. Nowadays, obviously, it's Vicky. For Vicky Pollard.

[Superpianoman]

Reason I learnt the piano?

You can't stand a pint on a flute!!

I then played this sad song in A minor.... an elephant walked in sobbing his eyes out, I said, "Oh sorry, do you recognise this song".... the elephant replied, "No, boo hoo, but I recognise the ivories" !! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

[bassoonista]

What's the difference between a seamstress and a beginner musician?


One tucks up frills, and the other F***s up trills!!! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif)

[DerekH]

How do you know there is a contralto at your front door?

Can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in...


Let me take you to the States and tell you about conducting over there...

A little old lady is sitting in the violin section, fumbling for notes in a difficult key signature. After a few minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with his music stand, and the poor old dear dies instantly.

Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours, one after another. They strap him into the electric chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily conducting the orchestra when the trumpet player goes sharp. Enraged, he lunges out with his baton, skewering the offender's jugular vein and killing him.
Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas for his last meal, and lo and behold, the electricity doesn't harm him. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a trombonist. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution. At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt.

Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret- "What is it with the bananas?"

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with the electricity," replies our friend. "It's me - I'm just a poor conductor"

[Aeolienne]

The truth is that I've heard all the jokes, about every single instrument.

Including recorders?

[bassoonista]

Beethoven has died, and been buried. Several months later, people start to hear strange sounds coming from his grave.
Concerned, they consult the priest, who goes to see for himself. Standing by the grave, he realises that what he's hearing is Beethoven's 9th played backwards. The next week he returns, only to realise that now, he's hearing Beethoven's 8th, again played backwards. Puzzled, he returns on the third week, and now he hears the 6th, again backwards.
He calls for a public meeting. The worried populace file in, sit down, and await his verdict.
This is nothing to worry about, he tells them. It's just Beethoven decomposing.

SORRY (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wacko.gif)