What Can You Do With Parents?, or am I just a crosspatch teacher? Options

[nannyjay]

As some of you know, I have just come out of hospital. Last Monday taught as usual, but this week I have had to cancel everyone. I did however say that I would teach one pupil, a boy with very pushy parents. The only reason is that he is playing in four classes in the local festival next Saturday and also exams are next week, and I feel sorry for the poor boy who is very talented but pushed. So today I got up from my sickbed and let him and his mother in for his lesson (mother always stays).

She then proceeded to tell me that she had got the childs clarinet teacher to give him a piano lesson in between and handed me a list of the faults this teacher found with the boy's playing.

I was not too pleased, to say the least. I didn't want to offend her, but did point out that her son had achieved distinctions in all his exams with me and also won all classes in the festival over the last two years, and that another opinion of his playing was not necessary.

What would you have done? :angry:

[noodle]

I would have told her to let the clarinet teacher continue with his lessons. I don't tolerate any interference from anyone. Obviously the boy is doing well with you so there is no reason for them to get a second opinion.

You didn't want to offend her? Pity she wasn't so considerate when she let someone else interfere with your teaching and provide you with a list of faults. If the clarinet knows that much about piano why is he teaching clarinet? Sorry, but I'd let the clarinet teacher get on with it and then when he doesn't do so well in exams and festivals, mother will get the message!!

I hope you're feeling a bit better now nannyjay.

[sbhoa]

I wonder what she told the clarinet teacher to get him or her to agree to this?

[Violinia]

Ask her point blank to explain exactly why on earth she needed a second opinion when the boy has been winning all his classes at festivals and getting distinctions in all his exams sice he's been learning with you? It's a record you should be rightly proud of, by the way.

Another thing, how old is the boy? Old enough for him not to need his mother at every lesson, perhaps? Is it your idea she stays, or hers? If it's hers and the boy's over 7 perhaps it's time to give her her marching orders from your studio.

She sounds like a complete nightmare and one can only sympathise with the poor child. Sounds to me like a lesson with you and away from her is just what the doctor ordered. And talking of doctors, what's she thinking of, pressurising you to give him lessons when you've only just come out of hospital?

Aaargh!

Violinia

[cheeble]

Poor nannyjay, and poor kid!! It's often hard to know how to confront the mother on a subject like this. Perhaps a phone call would be the best way to do it, as the child won't be in the room. Explain to her that you feel it is in her son's best interests to have lessons independently from her, and say why you think this, and also inform her that you have a course of action planned for this guy that would progress much faster were she not to give him lessons for other teachers.

Personally I wouldn't bother looking at the fault list, but you could pretend you have, and assure her you're working on it!!

I think you did the right thing to point out how well this boy has been doing with you. Pushy parents are so awful - I've had to deal with a couple, but none as bad as yours!!!

If she continues to be this awful, tell her that you can't work properly if she keeps interfering, and threaten to stop the boy's lessons. If she still keeps being awful, move to Siberia and then she won't be able to complain to you!

Really hope it all gets better soon - don't take it too personally, you're obviously a fantastic teacher - and what does this woman know anyway? :)

[jo.clarinet]

How awful! And what a CHEEK from the mother! I would make it clear to her that this is a 'sackable' offence and that you are only prepared to continue teaching her son because you are fond of him - and DEFINITELY ban her from sitting in on his lessons in future. If you don't react to her behaviour, she will think that she can do what she likes and is likely to interfere more and more. You sound as if you are doing a great job, so don't let her jeopardise things!

Good luck! :unsure:

[Rosemary]

This sounds like a nightmare, particularly if you aren't feeling on top of the world at the moment. Wow, you have my sympathy. If it had happened to me I'm sure I'd feel deeply offended, upset and then angry towards her.
I feel sure though that she's probably unaware of the implications of her actions. I would say that she is only thinking of her son (poor lad).

From this moment onwards she has broken any trust that existed between teacher + pupil/mother. The clarinet teacher has also acted (in my opinion) unprofessionally. As for a written list..........who wrote it? Her? Or the clarinet teacher?

I'm sorry I have to finish here, but if it had happened to me I don't think I would feel able to continue teaching her son. She has let you down deeply. She has caused uneccesary upset, at a time when you really should be looking after yourself and recuperating.

Rosemary.

[stevensfo]

(mother always stays).

Does she wait in another room or in the same room?

Being in the same room is just ridiculous. So distracting! Our son's teacher teaches a young boy whose father often waits in the same room, and she says that the boy behaves terribly when that happens. She doesn't have the heart to say anything.

For the very first lesson, it's perfectly normal for a parent to be present, but from then on, there should be no disturbance of any kind.

I have mixed feelings about the other teacher. Like you, I'd be furious and upset, yet the mother is perfectly within her rights to try someone else.

I'm not a music teacher, but I can't help thinking that it would be a good idea for private teachers to be a lot more organised and strict about their own 'rules and regulations'. ie have a small leaflet that all new clients receive with some Dos and Dont's, what you expect, weekly practise, certain important rules, - like not staying in the same room etc!! :angry:

I can't stand pushy parents. I hope she doesn't end up putting him off music. It can happen!

Good luck!

Steve

[elidatrading]

Chances are high that the mother did not realise what she was doing - and chances are also high that the clarinet teacher was put under pressure to do such a thing. It may have been portrayed as "teacher won't be able to see him before the festival" or somethign like that. I would want to make it clear that I was miffed but you certainly don't want to lose a pupil like that.

Liz

[ringaringa]

Any "faults" with the boys playing are his faults not yours, so don't take this woman personally.

Presumably you will never teach this boy again when you are so sick. I organised to teach a girl a week after getting out of hospital and sent her straight home when I realised she had done no practise whilst I had been ill. My exact words were "I am acting against Doctors orders to teach you and I find that you are perfectly healthy and couldn't be bothered to practise. it's your Grade 4 not mine, so think about that whilst I go back to bed."

As for mum staying - well it has obviously worked in the past as his distinctions etc. suggest. I don't think it's good PR to throw her out now, however much you want to.

Wait until you feel better and then have a good think about what (if anything) you want to do.

[chocolatedog]

Were these 'faults' technical faults (in the clarinet teacher's oh so humble opinion), or just errors in his pieces due to playing piano in front of someone he doesn't normally play for, and therefore might have felt really awkward as a result, causing mistakes and tension in his playing. And how unprofessional to comment on another teacher's 'work' so to speak, especially in a 'one-off' lesson, unless of course, the clarinet teacher is 'touting for business', which is equally unprofessional. I know we're not always perfect as teachers but I think that clarinet teacher was way out of line there. (I almost wish he/she was a forum member so he/she could read all these comments!!!!)

[nannyjay]

Lovely support, as usual. Thanks everyone.

The boy concerned is 10 and quite a talented boy, but his mother always waits in the room with us and comments as the lesson progresses. I assume the list was made by the clarinet teacher, and mentioned such things as 'this note should be staccato', and this phrase should be softer, etc. The dynamics are, to a great extent, musically interpreted by this child, and I see no reason to change them if they sound good when he plays, anyway.

I'm feeling a bit better today, thankyou. :)

[maggiemay]

(posted in error - hit tab button instead of caps off!)
:ph34r:

[maggiemay]

I think that clarinet teacher was way out of line there. (I almost wish he/she was a forum member so he/she could read all these comments!!!!)

I agree CD - except you can take out the "almost" !!

The mother was also way out of line, as others have said.

Pleased to read you are feeling a bit better Nannyjay, and sorry you have had to put up with this unacceptable episode - especially when you are feeling less than 100%.

Being in the same room may be ok if you are happy with it, but CERTAINLY NOT if she interrupts the lesson !!
*looks fierce*

take good care of yourself!

[Suepea]

Glad to hear you are feeling better today, Nannyjay. You can do without this sort of parent when you are not in the best of health - or at any other time. I certainly wouldn't have her in the same room - does she stay because it's not practical to go home? Your results show that you are a good teacher and that the boy responds to you well. As a teacher I would certainly not knowingly take a pupil from another teacher for a one-off lesson unless they were thinking of changing teachers, and even then I would not make specific comments about the child's playing, whatever I thought!

When you are feeling more yourself you need to make it clear that you do not appreciate her interference - a very difficult thing to do, but if you don't it will keep niggling at you, and by phone would be a good idea, at a time when the boy isn't around.

Hope your health continues to improve.