Messed Up School Concert, I feel like a failure... Options

[PurePianist]

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif) I think I've lost all faith in my piano playing ability now. A few hours ago I performed the piano at my school Christmas concert. I was going to play one of my Grade 7 pieces, the Esquisse - it was my favourite out of the three and it was one that I always felt most confident in. I got 27/30 for it in my exam, the rehearsal during the day went perfectly...

But I completely, utterly, messed it up on the night. In front of about 200 people, including friends, parents, teachers and music teachers. I started off fine, a little nervous - then suddenly I lost my place on the keyboard, I hit the wrong note, I lost my place on the page, my heart was pumping out of control, my mind was in blind panic... I played another wrong jarring chord, and there was no prospect of continuing. I stopped. Then I looked at the audience, and mumbled "I'm sorry, I have to start again", and started again. I managed to finish it this time, although I know I played about three wrong notes and there was a huge hesitant bit before a note so people probably thought I made a mistake again. I just wanted it over and done with, so there was absolutely zero in terms of dynamics, expression etc, which was meant to be the selling point of the piece. I could almost sense what the audience must have been feeling - "Gosh, this girl is rubbish" "Would she ever manage to finish?" "This is painfully embarrassing to watch" "Look, she made another mistake" etc etc. They probably all sighed in relief when I managed to finish. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. I felt marginally better when the deputy head (who was commentating) turned it into a joke and the audience laughed, but I still felt about a millimetre tall. I felt like laughing because it was so awful. I couldn't bear to look at the faces of my music teachers & friends; they all looked surprised & disappointed.

Now, I know that once I get over the initial humiliation, people will forget about it in the short term. But I feel like someone's just taken a great chunk out of my confidence. I'm terrified that the next time I sit down to perform at a piano, the memory of this awful performance would come back and throw me off, so that I would develop some kind of phobia against performing for ever. I feel as though I can't call myself a competent pianist anymore, because I wasn't even able to keep on playing despite the mistakes like any professional would do, but abruptly stopped and started again like a complete amateur. I don't think anyone will ask me to play again, wary that I might make a huge blunder like this, so that this nightmare would be the last time I perform publically.

And I feel so guilty. Guilty that if I had practiced more I could have played it better, and not messed up the concert for my teachers. My mum was sympathetic when I talked to her, but she was also sharp and told me that I really should have practiced more. I felt a little bitter about that, but it was the truth and it hurt. I had been under so much pressure from schoolwork, other problems and preoccupations these last few weeks, that I don't think I practiced nearly as well as I could've done. Perhaps I was too cocky, arrogant, complacent; because I managed to do well on previous concerts I will be able to do this one well too without the practice.

To cap it all, I have to perform again on Monday for the annual Old People's Christmas Party. I guess I feel more confident with the pieces I'm playing then, but I am absolutely dreading it. I don't think I can ever play in public anymore.

[katyjay]

I'm sorry to hear that you had a dud start to your performance. It must be very disappointing.

But you managed to re-start and complete the performance, and that's good. Not only that, but you've discovered a secret all performers know and never let on - that public performances always have mistakes in them. What takes practice is to get used to the fact that things will go wrong and to keep going through that.

And a re-start is sometimes the best the best thing to do - I've re-started in a performance and still got applause at the end of it.

Don't beat yourself up about it any more. You've learned a valuable lesson about coping under pressure, and no performance will ever feel this bad again. And whether more practice would have helped, no-one can ever tell what "would" have happened.

[nicki_flute]

I can empathise. Was doing a duet once with another flute, missed out a quaver beat, and confused the other flute. She stopped and I played about half the piece on my own. I had the exact same feelings - guilt, disappointment, feeling like a failure.

It is painful - I remember texting my flute teacher about I was sorry that I was a failure...

But you know how you can play, unfortunately not all performances go to plan *another performance springs into her head where she panicked in a fast piece and it went awfully*, but you got 27/30 in that piece which shows you can play it.

*hugs*

PM me if you want to talk.

[bourdon16]

Brave of you to share this. Reading it you sound like someone who has thought about what happened and you have tried to work out why; I admire your honesty. You said <...had been under so much pressure from schoolwork, other problems and preoccupations these last few weeks> there is your answer. You CAN play the piano.

I remember, when I was a student, a famous cellist had to start a piece again which he had been playing from memory; he opened the music and restarted being quite honest about the reasons.
Things do go wrong. I was playing some Messiaen in a recital (my organ teacher was turning) and I got hopelessly lost. I was playing to an audience of organists!!!
Take it from me, instead of removing a chunk of your confidence this will have made you a better and wiser performer. You are young, you will bounce back. If your friends really are your friends, get a few round and play it to them again explaining your reasons - just a thought.

[skylark]

I'm really sorry to hear what's happened, PurePianist. You've had a really demoralising experience, it's no wonder you feel dreadful about it. Hopefully writing it all down and getting it out of your system has helped. And if you read what you've written, carefully, you'll realise that in spite of how you feel right now, there's no reason why you shouldn't perform successfully next time...

You've been brave enough to admit the truth - and that takes some doing. So you know what it's going to take to get through a concert successfully next time. It's been a very hard lesson, but that means you're all the more likely to learn it. Some people would never have admitted the truth, and would never have learnt the lesson, so would never progress. You've actually done really well to work out why things went wrong - and you know how to put them right.

Incidentally I was talking today to a very experienced mature teacher, who said she still finds it worse performing to people she knows than strangers. Maybe you're the same, so provided you've practised as much as you know you need to do, you may find that you feel completely differently about the Old People's Christmas Party. Try to remember that you are there in order for the music to give them pleasure. Concentrate on making sure that they enjoy themselves and try not to think about yourself - of course it's easier said than done, but try and put yourself in their shoes and just help them to enjoy it.

I'm sure you'll get a lot more advice, from people who are a lot more qualified to give it than I am. Take all the advice you can, you can't alter what's happened so try and get over it, practise more, and work on getting your confidence back. I really hope it goes well on Monday - do let us know (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[amanda41]

I'm sure something like this has happened to everyone! It's definately happened to me.

You'll find that the audience did appreciate your performance, and most of them would not be thinking about the piece critically in terms of dynamics etc... the way you do yourself. In reality they probably heard a very difficult piece of music which they wouldn't be able to play themselves, and though no less of you for the "false start"

I got all my pages mixed up one year accompanying singers in the retirement home. After 4, the choir started into "O Come, All Ye Faithful" while I enthusiastically belted out "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" on the piano....

The old ladies pretended not to notice as I frantically threw sheet music about looking for the right piece. They all smiled at me on the way out as if they thought perhaps I was a bit simple (IMG:style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif)

I also took an attack of the nerves at a festival when I was 10. I felt bad as my uncle had brought his new girlfriend along to see how talented his neice was... When we got home I insisted I play them again for everyone to redeem myself!

You feel bad now but performing again right away is probably the best thing you can do! As Nicki pointed out, you didn't get 127 in your exam for nothing.

xxx

[sbhoa]

I've done that too.
I was asked to play at a church event by the lady who was our choir director and had been my piano teacher for a while.
I totally lost it and couldn't even finish one piece.
She suggested I try something else (I was planning to play 2 or 3 items) and later on in the programme I was given the chance to have another go at the first one and did manage to get to the end.

It is really hard to take at the time and does rock your confidence but you can get up and rebuild it.

[notmusimum]

You made some mistakes in this one performance and you have looked at the situation objectively and worked out why it happened. There's no need for you to worry tha tthis situation will be repeated in your next concert. Try not to think about it again and concentrate on being better prepared the next time.

The old people will enjoy your playing and for them whatever you play will be a treat. Relax and enjoy yourself at the next concert.

[ChevvyChev]

I'm sure it didn't come accross as bad as you thought, and everyon makes mistakes in performances...I know I certainly have, and it's awful at the time...but i guess the onl way to deal with it is to learn from it, and go out there and prove to yourself you can do it as soon as!!

It's like falling of a horse, you have to get back on straight away!

Please don't let it knock your confidence too much...remember everyone has been there or will be there, and judging by the mark from your exam you are a very talented musician, so get up there and go for it! You'll be sooo proud of yourself when it goes right!

xx

[oboist]

You made some mistakes in this one performance and you have looked at the situation objectively and worked out why it happened. There's no need for you to worry tha tthis situation will be repeated in your next concert. Try not to think about it again and concentrate on being better prepared the next time.

The old people will enjoy your playing and for them whatever you play will be a treat. Relax and enjoy yourself at the next concert.

I do so agree with these comments - don't beat yourself up anymore. We've all had similar experiences on our musical journey. You learn from them and then move on.

If it's any comfort to you, I was once playing in an orchestra with a highly-respected oboist (he was playing 1st oboe and I 2nd). It was a professional gig - so you'd expect pro standards. We were playing one of the Bach Oratorios and just heading into one of the big oboe duets. Come the first two bars he didn't come in! Who knows why, he didn't seem to - probably lost concentration. So our duet became a "solo" of just me! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif)

It happens - analyse what you did wrong, pat yourself on the back that you got going again and finished the piece, maybe work a bit harder next time but rest assured loads of people will probably hardly have noticed and will have enjoyed your playing. There's no humiliation for you at all - you made a mistake, picked yourself up. You are to be congratulated on that very warmly - it takes courage to do so.

Go play to the old ladies - they'll love it. Relax and enjoy - you can clearly play well, so just show them that. No pressure on that one.... Best of luck. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

Oboist

[Frederic Chopin]

Sorry to hear about your experience - but don't worry, it happens to us all and that is part of being a musician!

Recently, at one of my choir concerts, I also got one of my pieces in the wrong order and started to play the introduction of the piece after that instead. The conductor stopped me after a few bars, I realised my mistake, raised my right index finger and exclaimed 'Ah yes!' - everyone in the audience laughed and that lightened the atmosphere, and the choir was more relaxed after that too! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ph34r.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

[petrat]

We have all done it at some time. Don't worry too much about it. Mistakes happen in concerts, even professional ones. We get so used to hearing perfect performances on cd's etc but they have usually been edited by the studio technicians. It is a bit like looking at pictures in magazines of air-brushed models. It is not how they look in real life. Tomorrow people will remember only that you played, not what went wrong. Give yourself credit for having done it.

[Glass Mountain]

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif) I think I've lost all faith in my piano playing ability now. A few hours ago I performed the piano at my school Christmas concert. I was going to play one of my Grade 7 pieces, the Esquisse - it was my favourite out of the three and it was one that I always felt most confident in. I got 27/30 for it in my exam, the rehearsal during the day went perfectly...

But I completely, utterly, messed it up on the night. In front of about 200 people, including friends, parents, teachers and music teachers. I started off fine, a little nervous - then suddenly I lost my place on the keyboard, I hit the wrong note, I lost my place on the page, my heart was pumping out of control, my mind was in blind panic... I played another wrong jarring chord, and there was no prospect of continuing. I stopped. Then I looked at the audience, and mumbled "I'm sorry, I have to start again", and started again. I managed to finish it this time, although I know I played about three wrong notes and there was a huge hesitant bit before a note so people probably thought I made a mistake again. I just wanted it over and done with, so there was absolutely zero in terms of dynamics, expression etc, which was meant to be the selling point of the piece. I could almost sense what the audience must have been feeling - "Gosh, this girl is rubbish" "Would she ever manage to finish?" "This is painfully embarrassing to watch" "Look, she made another mistake" etc etc. They probably all sighed in relief when I managed to finish. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. I felt marginally better when the deputy head (who was commentating) turned it into a joke and the audience laughed, but I still felt about a millimetre tall. I felt like laughing because it was so awful. I couldn't bear to look at the faces of my music teachers & friends; they all looked surprised & disappointed.

Now, I know that once I get over the initial humiliation, people will forget about it in the short term. But I feel like someone's just taken a great chunk out of my confidence. I'm terrified that the next time I sit down to perform at a piano, the memory of this awful performance would come back and throw me off, so that I would develop some kind of phobia against performing for ever. I feel as though I can't call myself a competent pianist anymore, because I wasn't even able to keep on playing despite the mistakes like any professional would do, but abruptly stopped and started again like a complete amateur. I don't think anyone will ask me to play again, wary that I might make a huge blunder like this, so that this nightmare would be the last time I perform publically.

And I feel so guilty. Guilty that if I had practiced more I could have played it better, and not messed up the concert for my teachers. My mum was sympathetic when I talked to her, but she was also sharp and told me that I really should have practiced more. I felt a little bitter about that, but it was the truth and it hurt. I had been under so much pressure from schoolwork, other problems and preoccupations these last few weeks, that I don't think I practiced nearly as well as I could've done. Perhaps I was too cocky, arrogant, complacent; because I managed to do well on previous concerts I will be able to do this one well too without the practice.

To cap it all, I have to perform again on Monday for the annual Old People's Christmas Party. I guess I feel more confident with the pieces I'm playing then, but I am absolutely dreading it. I don't think I can ever play in public anymore.

[Glass Mountain]

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif) I think I've lost all faith in my piano playing ability now. A few hours ago I performed the piano at my school Christmas concert. I was going to play one of my Grade 7 pieces, the Esquisse - it was my favourite out of the three and it was one that I always felt most confident in. I got 27/30 for it in my exam, the rehearsal during the day went perfectly...

But I completely, utterly, messed it up on the night. In front of about 200 people, including friends, parents, teachers and music teachers. I started off fine, a little nervous - then suddenly I lost my place on the keyboard, I hit the wrong note, I lost my place on the page, my heart was pumping out of control, my mind was in blind panic... I played another wrong jarring chord, and there was no prospect of continuing. I stopped. Then I looked at the audience, and mumbled "I'm sorry, I have to start again", and started again. I managed to finish it this time, although I know I played about three wrong notes and there was a huge hesitant bit before a note so people probably thought I made a mistake again. I just wanted it over and done with, so there was absolutely zero in terms of dynamics, expression etc, which was meant to be the selling point of the piece. I could almost sense what the audience must have been feeling - "Gosh, this girl is rubbish" "Would she ever manage to finish?" "This is painfully embarrassing to watch" "Look, she made another mistake" etc etc. They probably all sighed in relief when I managed to finish. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. I felt marginally better when the deputy head (who was commentating) turned it into a joke and the audience laughed, but I still felt about a millimetre tall. I felt like laughing because it was so awful. I couldn't bear to look at the faces of my music teachers & friends; they all looked surprised & disappointed.

Now, I know that once I get over the initial humiliation, people will forget about it in the short term. But I feel like someone's just taken a great chunk out of my confidence. I'm terrified that the next time I sit down to perform at a piano, the memory of this awful performance would come back and throw me off, so that I would develop some kind of phobia against performing for ever. I feel as though I can't call myself a competent pianist anymore, because I wasn't even able to keep on playing despite the mistakes like any professional would do, but abruptly stopped and started again like a complete amateur. I don't think anyone will ask me to play again, wary that I might make a huge blunder like this, so that this nightmare would be the last time I perform publically.

And I feel so guilty. Guilty that if I had practiced more I could have played it better, and not messed up the concert for my teachers. My mum was sympathetic when I talked to her, but she was also sharp and told me that I really should have practiced more. I felt a little bitter about that, but it was the truth and it hurt. I had been under so much pressure from schoolwork, other problems and preoccupations these last few weeks, that I don't think I practiced nearly as well as I could've done. Perhaps I was too cocky, arrogant, complacent; because I managed to do well on previous concerts I will be able to do this one well too without the practice.

To cap it all, I have to perform again on Monday for the annual Old People's Christmas Party. I guess I feel more confident with the pieces I'm playing then, but I am absolutely dreading it. I don't think I can ever play in public anymore.

Why do I keep clicking that Reply Button before I've actually typed my reply. There you see, I've done it several times on the forums and it's quite embarrassing!!! Yes, it is embarrassing mucking up a piece in front of a large audience, but please please don't let it spoil future performances. It can happen to anyone, and has happened to me twice. When I was about 13 I was playing Fur Elise my 'party piece' which I knew backwards. I'd forgotten to take my music to the concert, but decided that due to how well I knew it, it wasn't a problem - little did I know..... It must have been the fact that, although I probably never really read the music due to me knowing it so well, the fact that it wasn't there as a back-up caused me to totally freak out in the middle, and after half a reasonable performance, my fingers just hovered above the keys and I realy panicked! I just stopped dead, and you could have heard a pin drop! The fear that ran through me was terrible as I just couldn't continue. This affected me for years (which is why you musn't let it). Years later, after partly regaining my confidence, my young daughter and I were asked to play a duet at a winner's concert (we'd won the Parent/Child Class in a festival). Bear in mind, that I was by then a teacher and again I totally lost it and 3 times kept stopping at the same part. I'm ashamed to say that I openly blamed my daughter (after all, teachers don't mess up (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) ). Anyway, don't get me wrong, I'm not a confident performer, but as I'm older now I think there are far more important things in life to worry about than making a mistake in a performance. Only the other day I was told by an examiner that a lot of professional performers don't even attempt to perform until they've taken a beta-blocker.
Remember, that no-one in the audience would have been laughing at you - they would have just felt sorry for you. Think about all the musicians who won't even dare to perform!
Good luck at your next concert. Remember it's normal to feel nervous after such a shock, but YOU CAN DO IT!!!. Let us know how you did.

[Alias]

That must have been dreadful at the time, but later on, when you become a professional musician(if...) and are playing for an audience of hundreds, you be grateful that this happened. It will be a good experience to learn from. EVERYONE, experiences failure, and as was once famously quoted by (cant remember): ''Success is the ability to go from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm''

If it makes you feel any better, i started playing the wrong piece at our school prizegiving today and i was playing the bass part so everyone could hear! The fan was also on, so halfway through another piece, my music got blown away! But eventually, you learn to deal with such situations. I also had my confidence battered earlier this year after an awful choir incident, and felt that i lacked competence, because if i were good enough, it wouldnt have happened-but this isnt true, everyone makes mistakes. Believe it or not, you WILL get your confidence back. Start by playing to a few friends, then the class, and if they let you, the school. This way, you can show everyone- and most importantly, yourself, what you can really do.

Hope this helps