Sorry, Sorry, Sorry..etc Etc Etc, enough!! Options

[AmyB]

Does anyone else have any over apologetic children. I'm currently teaching a 9 year old girl who has developed this compulsive apologising over the last couple of weeks.

I'm teaching her guitar so it doesn't interrupt things too much, but I think it's really bad that she feels she has to apologise for mistakes. I've told her over and over about not worrying about mistakes and being extremely encouraging and praising her good playing in the hope that this will boost her confidence.

Does anyone have any methods for getting rid of this, I don't want to make too much of an issue of it as I feel it will make her more anxious, but I just want her to relax and enjoy herself.

If I think about it it's normally when she's reading from music and when we're playing games and improvising she's more relaxed and doesn't curl up. Maybe she just finds the reading a bit more stressful than I thought.

Anyway, I'm chasing my tail a bit here, any ideas???

[nicki_flute]

I can't help you, but I am interested in this thread - I am always apologising over errors.

[Semele]

Yes.I overcame this problem,by asking them to stop apologising.

Then I played some pieces and made some mistakes.I didn't apologise to them.I merely said...when you sight read ignore mistakes...but I used that to demonstrate a point....ie the art of sight reading.

[SteveHopwood]

You could try adapting my 'how many marks do I finish with' game. This is a very useful game.

The child starts with 10 marks. Every time she apologises, you make a circus of deducting a mark. This will draw her attention to the problem.

Of course, in the early games you will have to refrain from deducting a mark her for apologising for apologising :lol:

Steve :D

[noodle]

Yes.I overcame this problem,by asking them to stop apologising.

I've tried that, but the reply is invariably 'sorry'!

[chocolatedog]

Of course, on a variant of Steve's idea, you could play Hangman - start with a gallows, and every time the pupil apologises, add part of the man (you could get quite detailed if it's a real problem - eyes, nose, etc!!) - it's amazing how it focusses the mind! I tried it with a 14 year old boy the other day when he was making mistake after mistake in the same scale - of course once I'd drawn the gallows, the scale suddenly became note and fingering perfect!!! Didn't even have a chance to draw the head.......! :( :lol:

[amanda41]

I might use some of these tips on myself as well the students!

I've been told off for apologising too much by friends, and if someone walks into me in the street, I'm always the one who says "oh sorry!"

I need to get out of the habit :rolleyes: I think it undermines your own confidence to always be apologising to people.

Amanda xx

[oboist]

I find my adult pupils are the worst for apologising. I teach two great guys (about 30ish in age) who start the apologies before they've hardly got through the front door! :lol:

I've pointed out to both the amount of energy they're wasting when playing by all this apologising and they're slowly getting better. ;)

I like the "hangman" idea (and variations on same) for the apologising kids - thanks for same, I shall put it into action.

:)

[AmyB]

Thanks for the great ideas, I'm definitely going to use them and hopefully she'll relax a bit.

Once again the fatastic folks of the ABRSM forum sort out another problem! :D

[dcmbarton]

I banned apologising in my lessons!!! Also, any negative (i.e. I didn't play that very well) has to come alongside a positive (i.e. but bar 'x' was better than before).

David

[jm-hamilton]

I banned apologising in my lessons!!! Also, any negative (i.e. I didn't play that very well) has to come alongside a positive (i.e. but bar 'x' was better than before).

David

I banned the word 'can't' in my lessons. I had one pupil who kept saying "I can't play this bit or "I can't get the fingering right" or would stop in the middle of a piece and say "I can't play the next bit". I told her I didn't want to hear her say "can't" as it was very negative and suggested there was a physical reason which prevented her doing it (not relevant in her case). She gradually replaced it with things like "I'm having some problems with the rhythms in this bit", or "I find the fingering difficult" - much less negative, and it seemed to make her think a bit more about exactly what the problem was and ways in which she herself could remedy it resulting in increased confidence.

[Tess]

I might use some of these tips on myself as well the students! 

I've been told off for apologising too much by friends, and if someone walks into me in the street, I'm always the one who says "oh sorry!"

I need to get out of the habit  :rolleyes:   I think it undermines your own confidence to always be apologising to people.

Amanda xx

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Incidentally, our daughter's teacher does apologise to her for nagging! Not much but still quite a bit from time to time. Personally, I don't mind but I'd prefer that he doesn't so I have said, "Please, don't!" with a smile but he still does!!! :rolleyes:

Well, Amanda, how do I stop you or folks like you from apologising?! AmyB can explain the bit abt wasting energy but that'd be condescending for a parent to use on a teacher! :(

[amanda41]

I might use some of these tips on myself as well the students! 

I've been told off for apologising too much by friends, and if someone walks into me in the street, I'm always the one who says "oh sorry!"

I need to get out of the habit  :rolleyes:   I think it undermines your own confidence to always be apologising to people.

Amanda xx

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Incidentally, our daughter's teacher does apologise to her for nagging! Not much but still quite a bit from time to time. Personally, I don't mind but I'd prefer that he doesn't so I have said, "Please, don't!" with a smile but he still does!!! :rolleyes:

Well, Amanda, how do I stop you or folks like you from apologising?! AmyB can explain the bit abt wasting energy but that'd be condescending for a parent to use on a teacher! :(

The fact that my behaviour might rub off on pupils is a good incentive to stop! If I conciously try to set an example for them by not apologising for every little thing, I'm bound to start acting differently outside of lessons as well.

I think part of the habit comes from upbringing. Good manners were drummed into us so effectively, it's becomes an obsession! I'm exactly the same with thanking people a thousand times for things as I am about apologising! I suppose it could be worse though :D

Right - next time someone stands on my foot in the street I'm not saying anything until they speak first! I'll let you know how it goes :lol:

[Tess]

:lol: :D :)

[noodle]

Good manners were drummed into us so effectively, it's becomes an obsession!  I'm exactly the same with thanking people a thousand times for things as I am about apologising!  I suppose it could be worse though  :D

Funny you should say that. Some of my students continually thank me.
Me - 'That scale was much better today' - student 'thanks'
or, 'the fingering in the first piece has improved this week' - student - 'thank you!' or, after each arpeggio/scale if I say 'good' the student replies 'thanks'.

Thanks for reading this!!