Feeling Bitter.., whilst also feeling proud! Options

[andyamg]

Just had word from one of my adult pupils - she is not continuing with me anymore! - in her words, she has "got fixed up" with a teacher closer to her home.

She was coming to me from a fair distance, and it was taking 45 minutes either way on top of an hour's lesson (an hour because it was more worthwhile with the distance).. She was a beginner pianist, and was not perhaps the most natural musician. She had some real plus points though, and always worked hard, achieving more than the average adult beginner....

So whilst I of course wished her the best of luck with her piano studies, i cannot help feel slightly bitter that i have done all the hard work getting her to read, play and enjoy music and achieve great things. I don't know the teacher she is going to, but i feel convinced that they would not do a similar job to what I did. If they had been presented with her from scratch then i am sure the outcome would have been rather different... This is compounded by the fact that she told me that:

"i don't think, or at least... no, i know that it won't be the same. I had a lesson with him last week just to see (i was still teaching her at the time!! - what a weird feeling!!).. and i know that it's not going to be as good, but i have to be practical"..

I had to draw on the full ten years of experience plus everything i learned on teaching training to make sure that this pupil's learning was met in every positive way possible.

It's all very sudden, and although i am really pleased that despite circumstances she is going to continue, i never expected her to just leave without warning or any kind of discussion based around the fact that she might need to look for a teacher close to home.

It is as difficult in taking on someone else's "work" as it is to give away something you have fostered carefully and intelligently..

Does anyone agree? Anyone felt like this before?

Apologies, it's been a strange evening..

[diapason]

Hi andyamg

I know how you feel. I've had to deal with situations like that in my course of 30 years as a teacher. To redress the balance, I 've also taken on many students (young and older alike) who have come from other teachers so it's swings and roundabouts.
BUT.......it doesn't stop ME feeling exactly like you are feeling when it does happen.
I feel let down, I keep asking myself where have I gone wrong, what has this other teacher go that I haven't......etc.etc. It's like a slap in the face.

I feel let down, because I allow my pupils the privilege (and I'm sorry, I make no apologies in believing it IS a privilege) to look through and borrow from my personal music library, I take the more experienced pupils on "field trips" to play various organs in churches and town halls, I help them through their exams ( I have one of the highest pass rates at distinction for organ and modern piano in the region) I put on student concerts.......and more.

and I've had some very ######y mothers who have said things like "it's time he/she moved to a better teacher" (only to find out that some of them haven't moved at all but have stopped lessons altogether).
Things like "he/she/I prefer a lady teacher"
and then there are those that leave for one reason or another and then try to come back to you because things have not worked out. I usually refuse !!!!

When you've been teaching a few more years, it'll happen again and it DOES hurt (yes HURT!)

Cheer up andymag... you are obviously a thoughtful and sensitive person/teacher and this will score overall. You'll get over it, but it may happen again.

(offers shoulder) ;)

Diapason (sometimes thinking I'll give it ALL up and go work in B&Q)

[SteveHopwood]

Lots of sympathy. This happens to all of us occasionally.

Look at it from her point of view. 90 minutes driving is a long time. I spend 70 taking Heidi for her singing lesson; that is bad enough and these are easy driving conditions. I take a supremely talented young singer to the best teacher in the universe; I would not take the trouble were H not so talented.

Try not to feel hurt.

Steve :D

[oboist]

I'm sure it's the driving (time/distance) and not you. She seems to have realised that she isn't going to get as good a teacher but may just feel she's got to move to someone closer.

Try not to take this personally. On a slightly separate note, did you have a contract with her? If so, you can ask for some of your fees in lieu of notice - sometimes that concentrates peoples' minds about giving up.

I hope someone else will arrive shortly to replace her. Put it down to a painful experience (yes, it's happened to me too from time to time) and try to move on. I'm sure it's nothing you did. Sounds like you showed her a very professional care.

:)

[Roger]

Forgive me for saying this and I don't mean this with any disrespect, but you sound like a classic case of "sour grapes"

Travelling for 90 minutes round trip is a slog at the best of times, and then to concentrate on a full hours piano tuition must be terribly hard for the student.

Unless you already know the other teacher's capabilities, how can you pass judgement on her/his teaching skills, and how do you know your pupil will not be better off or learn more.

I'm a doctor and some patients of mine whom I have treated for months or even years decide they can do better with someone else. I don't let it worry me though and I don't think it's anything personal.

You shouldn't get paranoid about this, it is probably no more than a rare episode in your otherwise fulfilled life!! <_<

[diapason]

I have several pupils who make more than a 90 minute round trip to see me and have been happy to do so for over 5 years in all case. I should be particularly sad to lose any of them to another teacher after all that time

Do you teach music Roger?

[Roger]

I have several pupils who make more than a 90 minute round trip to see me and have been happy to do so for over 5 years in all case. I should be particularly sad to lose any of them to another teacher after all that time

Do you teach music Roger?

No I don't teach music, as I said I'm a doctor. I passed grade 8 piano when I was in my 'teens, before going up to university, and I now play for relaxation and enjoyment.

However, to address your comment, I do not see what that has to do with my reply. I am not saying that the teacher in question shouldn't feel some regret or sadness at losing a pupil, but I do think "bitterness" is not a good trait in a person. It becomes a negative force and is counterproductive in the long run, and this applies to whatever profession or job you do.

[diapason]

I only asked out of interest! :(

[Kflute]

i've had that happen twice to me in the last year so I know exaclty how you feel. It's a very strange and hurtful feeling. However, I did have one of the two ring me up two nights ago and ask if she could come back!!!!!!! The new teacher obviously wasn't worth swapping to!!!! That put a big smile back on my face!

[SteveHopwood]

i've had that happen twice to me in the last year so I know exaclty how you feel. It's a very strange and hurtful feeling. However, I did have one of the two ring me up two nights ago and ask if she could come back!!!!!!! The new teacher obviously wasn't worth swapping to!!!! That put a big smile back on my face!

What a lovely feeling.

Steve :D

[noodle]

Andyamg, I think that happens to all of us now and again.

i've had that happen twice to me in the last year so I know exaclty how you feel. It's a very strange and hurtful feeling. However, I did have one of the two ring me up two nights ago and ask if she could come back!!!!!!! The new teacher obviously wasn't worth swapping to!!!! That put a big smile back on my face!

One of my former students who left to go to another teacher wanted to come back to me but I declined.

[stevensfo]

Travelling for 90 minutes round trip is a slog at the best of times, and then to concentrate on a full hours piano tuition must be terribly hard for the student.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. Who knows what other commitments this person has. I drive my son 25 minutes to his piano lesson once a week and that's quite enough!

Personally, I would never consider for a second spending 45 minutes travelling to a lesson, only to have to return home after only one hour. That is far too long.

It must be very upsetting to lose a student, but we have to look at it from her angle. It's probably upsetting for her as well.

Steve

[noodle]

I know children who are driven 100 miles (each way) for music lessons. If their parents aren't available, they are sent in the train. It isn't as if they are being taught better than they would with teachers who live closer. Its a case of their parents having this bizarre notion that if they are paying about four times the local rate for lessons, than they are better lessons. As most teachers here will agree, that isn't always the case.

[Boo Radley]

Travelling for 90 minutes round trip is a slog at the best of times, and then to concentrate on a full hours piano tuition must be terribly hard for the student.

Personally, I would never consider for a second spending 45 minutes travelling to a lesson, only to have to return home after only one hour. That is far too long.

I do, in fact it's more like an hour each way, and that's not including walking to the station.

[sarah-flute]

Horses for courses - I for one could certainly not cope or concentrate if I had to drive 45 minutes to my lesson and back - others would not find it a problem.