I Feel Sad About Giving Up Options

[the-shy-pianist]

I feel very sad as I have made the decision to give up my favourite hobby- the piano.

I am an adult piano learner. I always wanted to learn the piano. The first time I asked my parents I was only 4 but waited until I was 17 before I had my first lesson as they couldn't afford it.

I started from scratch and did grade 5 in 2 years. Reluctantly I had stopped for 8 years because of university study followed by postgraduate exams and numerous job relocations. I finally settled in one place, found myself a teacher and restarted last year after an 8-year break. I somehow managed to fit all that practising into my life with a full-time job with long hours and passed grade 7 this summer.

Once again I changed jobs this autumn, I decided to continue playing and have lessons. However, arriving home exhausted everyday, I gradually realised that I can no longer physically manage to fit all that in. Finally I made the decision today to take "a break" from lessons as beng an adult I cannot face going into lessons with inadequate practice.

I understand I can still play without regular lessons, but I have experienced this before! I know without the lessons ("the deadline") I will gradually play less and less, feel frustrated as mistakes are not corrected properly, get stuck somewhere and eventually give up after a while.

I have very few hobbies as my job is very demanding. The piano is my favourite. Unfortunately this hobby requires hardwork and time which I don't have any to spare anymore.... I feel so sad to have to give this up.

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This post has been edited by the-shy-pianist: Dec 17 2005, 10:31 PM

[nannyjay]

Sorry to hear about your dilemma. Couldn't you take lessons at less frequent intervals? I was an adult learner (many years ago) and had to juggle a part time job, three children and the running of a large old-fashioned house with hubby abroad most of the time, but with determination I managed it and have now been a teacher for over thirty years. It can be done - perhaps you could just keep it going for a few months and have, say, monthly lessons to get some imput from your teacher. Then, if and when, your hectic lifestyle calms down, you could continue again.

It seems such a terrible shame to have got this far and then to completely give it up, but you have obviously got to a stage in your playing where you can play for pleasure, and if you keep playing, you should not completely lose it. After all your effort to get to Grade 7, I hope you have second thoughts and perhaps just cut it down and bit instead of giving up altogether. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[stevensfo]

Hi,
You sound very similar to me, only I think I've been through that same stage many times.

You probably do need a break, only, I bet you one thing.

Sooner or later, you'll come back to the piano with even more enthusiasm than before! Sometimes we need to have a rest. It's not the end of the world. I had parents who didn't allow me to learn ANY instrument.
I taught myself the guitar when I left school, stopped for about 5 years, then started again. It was as though I'd never stopped.

I was taking piano lessons in my thirties while holding down a stressful and unpleasant job, in deep depression, and trying to be a good Dad and husband. I'm sure there a few lessons when I nodded off...

Last year, I went off the clarinet (I've been learning for 2 years). I don't know why. I just felt it wasn't worth it....waste of time...too many other things etc. After a few months, I felt a sort of spark ignite inside me...difficult to explain. In actual fact, that absence from playing had helped a lot. I went back completely refreshed and it was if I'd been subconsciously practising all that time. Now, I'm a lot more focused and disciplined, and try to use my time more profitably than I used to.

So don't worry. Have a rest. But I promise you that you'll be back on the piano - or perhaps another instrument. Once music has you in its grip, it never lets go!

Steve

[carys]

Ahhh, don't feel that you've 'given it up'. Much better to think that you're taking a temporary break from it. To have reached Grade 7 you must be really good. Sometimes weeks go by when I don't touch an instrument - I always love picking up and carrying on where I left off though.

You are still a pianist!

[SteveHopwood]

I take a harder line here than others.

You either want to play the piano or you do not. If you do, then you will.

Most of us here make sacrifices in order to carry on playing. I sacrifice income; I have done this throughout my career. Others sacrifice time. Some sacrifice both.

Steve

This post has been edited L Cleverdon on 19 December at 10.01am

[diapason]

I get so annoyed - and, yes, I mean annoyed - when people say "they will have to give up" playing the organ, piano, keyboard, whatever. Another expression that has been used in my direction, in a manner of speaking is (parent saying of child) "He's grown out of it" !!!!!!!! Whaaaaaat - you don't "GROW OUT OF IT" - music is not a pair of shoes or trousers.

One doesn't give up other things that take time, I bet! You find time in the day/week/month for all things. I have one pupil in particular who is a VERY busy (and very well-known) person who has a lesson once a month. During that 90 mins, we play, listen, chat, discuss and learn......and he loves it AND it keeps things simmering until his busy lifestyle will allow him to return to regular weekly or fortnightly tuition.

[Jen W]

and he loves it AND it keeps things simmering until his busy lifestyle will allow him to return to regular weekly or fortnightly tuition.

....this is the point: the-shy-pianist, if it's your favourite hobby you'd be daft not to keep it 'simmering' at least (I realise the problem about your job, as I remember what you do for a living from other threads) - it might be rewarding to go to the piano at the end of a tiring day, without the pressure of having to prepare for lessons - after all, at grade 7, there's so much for you to play - don't think of it as hard work now, save that for when you have time for lessons again (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) !

[Cyrilla]

I really hope you don't give up entirely. I think the suggestion to keep things 'simmering' is the most helpful I have read here. Can you have one lesson a month, maybe? It would be just enough to keep things going and to help you not have the feeling of failure that 'giving up entirely' can produce.

Good luck and let us know how it's going.

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[chocolatedog]

I take a harder line here than others.

You either want to play the piano or you do not. If you do, then you will.

Most of us here make sacrifices in order to carry on playing. I sacrifice income; I have done this throughout my career. Others sacrifice time. Some sacrifice both.

Steve

Oh boy - the wee early hours of the morning don't agree with the genial nutcase!!! (Read laughing smilies here - my computer isn't working properly!!!!)

[SirPrancealot]

the-shy-pianist, i sympathise being a business person myself.
there isn't always time to do everything and u have to keep the wolves from the door.
from some replies here u get the idea that being a hobby pianist is some kind of sacrilege!!! it isn't. u obviously have music in u so u can always take it up again later. u might get rid of the piano but u won't get rid of the music it's part of your make up and self expression.

i play when i feel like it. i ain't destined for the albert hall. who cares? i don't.


good luck.

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[Kflute]

I teach an adult student (well many actually), but this one in particular used to come to me once a fortnight for an hour, and got up to grade 7 and took the exam. When she took that exam she was two weeks from popping a baby out!!

She stopped her lessons for 6 months or so to get used to motherhood. She now comes for her lessons fortnightly again, but I know not to expect much, if any, practice. She juggles her baby with her job, and her husband working away a fair bit, and her parents don't live near to help either. I love teaching this lady, though do find it frustrating, but I accept this is the way it is. She knows that if she didn't come to me, she would find even less time to get her flute out, and would end up not playing at all. SHe'd rather spend £20 a fortnight, with maybe only one practice session the night before, and keep it all ticking over until things settle down and she has more time.

I wouldn't recommend stopping lessons altogether if you're busy. When she had 6 months off, her standard had fallen tremendously. She's now working towards her grade 8. It'll take a long time to get there but she will. If you can get an arrangement with your teacher, or another one, like I have with this pupil, then it'd be worth it

[thouston]

the-shy-pianist, like you I also try to hold down a demanding job while fitting in music (in my case singing) lessons pus rehearsals for whatever show/concert/whatever I've got myself into. And like you, sometimes I'm so tired I can barely muster the energy to go.

But...I firmly believe that it is vitally important to hold on to some part of you that is not work-eat-sleep, so regardless of exhaustion I continue (and I'm always glad in the end that I have). In the end you need to achieve some kind of balance and I would urge you to try to keep at least one non-work related activity going on with some regularity (even if it's only stamp-collecting).

To paraphrase my hero Terry Pratchett, music is not part of what I do, it's part of what I am, and to let it go would diminish my life.

Sorry to come over all existential on you, but do try to keep it at least ticking along - you may otherwise end up just as tired but even less happy...

[Kflute]

You should work to live not live to work!

[janexxx]

My three pennorth!

I remember a few years ago Anthony Clare with Ken Dodd in his "Psychiatrists Chair". He asked Doddy why he had never married, and the answer was "I never had the time" to which Dr Clare replied "You will always find the time to do the things you want to do". I think this is a very telling comment and one I remember a lot.

I think I am much the same as Kflute's student (except I don't have the baby!) in that I always try and fit in a hour's lesson once a week even is there has not been much practice time, I am making slow progress I know, but I am making progress, and I have goals. I have been juggling my violin commitments alongside a full time and a part time job, one of which took me on jaunts to London frequently, and running a home.

But my violin has kept me sane amongst all this. Now thankfully I have 2 part time jobs only, (but my life seems just as full, still not enough practice time!). One thing's for sure though, the violin and my music are staying as my music is very very important to me.

So I think if you have decided to give it up, then it is just not so important to you, and that's fine....give it up. If you really don't want to give it up, then you'll find a way!

Good luck in whatever you choose

[katyjay]

Hi the-shy-pianist

I'm sorry that you feel you can't balance everything in your life, and that the piano playing has to go. It must be a terribly hard decision. I can understand the feeling.

From when I started having singing lessons until some months after I took my ATCL I was working in a series of incredibly demanding roles - first as the main financial modeller and deputy treasurer for a big privatisation, then as the interim european finance director for a company going through a major merger, then as the interim divisional controller for a very large American company and finally as the reporting accountant for a company preparing to float on the London Stock Exchange.

All of those had long hours and great pressure - and my singing was my safety valve to let that pressure out. My teacher was aware of the challenges I faced, and accepted that during the week I would simply be too tired at the end of the day to sing, but I would make an effort at the weekends. He accepted that my progress might be slowed down by this regime, but that I would make effort when I could. Sometimes I managed 10-15 minutes' sing in the evenings, other times I didn't. And we carried on in this fashion for two years and I got my ATCL.

But I felt that something had to give if I was to achieve all I could in one sphere or the other - and for me that eventually meant ditching the accountancy.

Assuming you're not able to ditch the job like I did, you still have choices:

(1)You can keep trying to burn the candle at both ends and go full tilt at both the job and the piano lessons.

(2)You can go full tilt at the job, negotiate with your teacher that your musical progress will be slower but jog on with the piano lessons

(3)You can go full tilt at the job, just play the piano casually and when you can, and accept that your achievements will be fewer and further between

(4)You can drop the piano altogether and just concentrate on the job.

At the moment you seem to be suggesting the only option you have is the last of these. But honestly, it isn't the only choice.

Music doesn't actually have to be an either-or decision. You don't have to be pressing on for the next exam, you can just play for the fun of it and have the odd lesson to discuss ideas or technique or get help with something that you're stuck on.

Don't give up entirely if your music is important to you. Just ease off a bit. And maybe, just maybe, think a bit about whether you should really, for your own health, be doing a job that tires you beyond enjoying yourself at all in your free time.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Cheers

Katyjay