Old Ladies' Traditional Values Association Options

[petrat]

Liddy, those two old has-beens may have auditioned but have they actually got the parts dear? I suspect not! Some of us have it and some of us don't and it would be a miracle if they were anything near as talented as our good selves. After our triumph in Chester, and my superb solo spot with the male voice choir, not to mention our regular slots at the Purple Camel we are true pros and they really are not. That's all about it Liddy. I will be amazed if they do make it to NY but time will tell.
Harrods ay? No Oxfam shopping for them then. I told you that I didn't believe a word that Great May said about being poor, penniless landed gentry. Still no sign of that brother of hers though!
How is your Bert now Liddy. Surely you could have found yourself a fellow with a better name than Bert Skuttle Liddy? You haven't asked me about my mystery date yet Lidd. Just pretending not to be interested are you?
Will chat again Lidd. Must take old Dobbin out for a burn-up down to the village.

[The Old Lady]

Hey Dilly, isn't it great that we can spend some of our ill-gotten gains in Harrods. Bet Addy is green with jealousy (IMG:style_emoticons/default/dry.gif) Those red shoes do suit you dear, pity they are so big, I can't borrow them (IMG:style_emoticons/default/mad.gif)
Now then , I ordered the tickets from 1st class, and we have shampagne during the flight, but don't you go getting tiddled now, we need to be alert in case the plane crashes in the sea and we have to get in one of those life crafts (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif) You'll have to take those stilletos off because they'll puncture the ship.
Don't forget to pack all your tablets, but don't take your water tablet on the morning of the flight, you won't be able to make it from the airport to the plane in the air without an accident (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif)
I am so proud of you getting the Mrs Farthington role Dilly, and me as your daughter. Life is bliss sometimes. I wonder if those 2 old reprobates will come to see us on Broadway??
Great Aunt May.

[jod]

Good afternoon May, its Elsie here. I feel like a new woman now I've had that hip done. Sorry I haven't visited for a while, its taken me ages to get back on my feet again.

[The Old Lady]

Gordon Bennet Elsie, you did give me a turn, we thought you'd gone and died (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif)
Glad you are back with a new hip. Will you be going back to the Salsa class where you broke it, or now that you have a new one, will it be the BB Sea and that dancing programme. You might find a toyboy there you know (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)
Great Aunt May.

[petrat]

Hello Elsie. Who are you then Dear? You aren't that old has-been ballet dancer that used to pop in for a pint to the Purple Camel are you?

[The Old Lady]

Hells Bells Addy, what are you doing up at 0521hrs, you should be asleep (IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif)
May.

[petrat]

I had an early night and went to bed at about ten oclock but then realised that I didn't actually need an early night so I was wide awake by five. So I got up and did some work, had a cup of trick tea, (that is milk and hot water. Tea without the tea!) and wrote out some music on the computer. We aged ducks don't need our beauty sleep you know. I couldn't do any singing at that time though as it would have frightened the hens.
Going down to the Purple Camel later any one?

[The Old Lady]

Addy. I'd love to come down the Purple Camel with you. Didn't think you'd want me there, being just a music hall singer (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif) Can I really come with you. What do they sing in there?? Is the landlord scrumptious??
Is Liddy coming too? BTW, I would need to stop over, any room at yours or the Pub??
Talking of sleep, I need loads my dear, at least 8 hours per night (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)
Great Aunt May.

[petrat]

Of course you can come to the Purple Camel Great May. They let anyone in! Liddy and I have a regular spot in the limelight there at least once a month and when we are on the audience tends to be a little more highbrow but I expect that you could give them a song or two if you still have any voice left. I know how you music hall singers hammer your chest voices but I suppose you could manage to churn something out! The Landlord is now a landlady since his recent operation and he really isn't scrummy in any way, although he stroke she is quite popular in certain quarters. I don't advise stopping over there. You can share old Dobbin's stable if you like but as he snores a bit I would stay at the Grange. It is a rather exclusive place where you might find yourself some more work if there is a conference on. Some of those reps might enjoy your company.
Liddy has not been around for a few days. I think that she and her old Bert may have eloped but more than likely she is just busy working on our pieces for the New York trip. She is coming as my musical director you know so she is spending several hours each day with her copy of "Teach Yourself Conducting" in one hand and a long twig in the other waving her arm around to recordings of Lily Ponds (Do you remember her May? She was a fair singer in her time but nothing like myself).
That Elsie seems to have vanished again. Back to say hello and then gone again. I bet you upset her! You are so tactless at times, asking her back to the salsa dancing indeed!
I must go now as I have some dusting to do.

[The Old Lady]

Oh no Addy, I didn't mean to upset Elsie (IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif) It was just that she was so good at the salsa. That woman could bend into positions that would make your eyes water and your false teeth amongst other things, fall out (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif)
I hope she comes back to chat with us (IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif)
THanks for letting me come down the Purple Camel, I would love to see you and Liddy sing, hearing , well, that's another thing (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)
The Grange sounds a nice place. Do they have roaring log fires and cut glass??
I'll call by for you and Liddy then, what time?? Do you dress up or down at the Camel?
Great Aunt May.

[petrat]

The Purple Camel can be quite a rough place at times so we don't tend to overdress. My shell suit and a nice hat is about right. They search you for weapons at the door as you go in and if you haven't got one they'll lend you one for the evening.
The Grange is full of log fires and cut glass so it will be a bit like a home from home for you as you say that you and that "Brother" of yours are landed gentry. By the way, Liddy and I never did really believe that story. And we are concerned as to where that Hudson fellow went too! Still don't trust you entirely Great May (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ph34r.gif)
You can call for us at around eight next tuesday evening if you like. We have our grand opera night then and I will be singing some of my best dramatic arias as well as the quartet from Verdi's Regulator. Liddy and I double up a bit for that one and we are going to end with our version of the Anvil Chorus where I sing with a chorus effect on the Karioke machine and Liddy plays some old scaffolding poles with a mallet. It always goes down a storm.
Sorry that I cannot invite you to stay at my place May, but I do have my reputation to keep and you do have something of a name after your trip to that Hamster Jam place if you don't mind me saying so.
Wear a hat Great May. That one with the silver kipper and the poppies on is quite nice.

[The Old Lady]

I think I'll put my new leggings on with a red tunic top and my high heels, that will match the hat with the red poppies on, although I lost the silver kipper last Tuesday after the window cleaner had been. Heavens knows what he's going to do with it, although it might have something to do with unpaid bills (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)
I won't be mutton dressed as lamb will I Addy??
Shall I bring some Welsh cakes with me Addy? They are my speciality. The flour was out of date, but I remember Liddy saying that it was just a joke to get us all to buy more. Can't see what would be wrong with flour in date untill 2001 anyway (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif)
I did them on the griddle, although there may be some ginger cat hairs in them as Tiddles was on there having a warm before I cooked them (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)
Great Aunt May.

[jod]

Well me dears, that Salsa Class was wonderful, but I was so disappointed... Mark Ramrakash was not there in he spangly sequinned shirt. I might go to that Latin Class and learn how to Tango, after all we know what that Arlene off that BB Sea programme said about the tango, and I'd like a bit of that.

May dear, the Welsh Cakes are wonderful. I'm still using flour I saved from rationing. It's got a few weevels in it but they just add to the flavour of my Steak and Kidney Puddings.

And Addy, I don't think you had had your cateract operation before I had my hip done, so you might not have known who I am.

Must go, I've got to collect my pension from the post office.

Elsie

[petrat]

No, no Elsie you twit! I wasn't having a cateract op, it was my cat that was having an op to stop her having kittens. I stopped having kittens many decades ago! Nothing wrong with old flour my Old Flower! Liddy has some stuff from before the war that is still going strong. She has bags of it in her cellar. And Great May, why exactly was Liddy's old Tiddles warming herself on YOUR stove? Some things are beyond me. I think that Lidd must be busy with her conducting still as she hasn't been writing to us for a while.
Mutton dressed as lamb Great May? Yes, of course you will. I thought that was how you wanted to look!
I'm off for a look at the radio now. There are some good things on later in the evening. See you all at the Purple Camel tomorrow. Addy.

[The Old Lady]

Look at the radio Addy?? You are supposed to listen to the radio (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)
You are thinking of Liddy's Tiddles, this one is my tiddles, he's a lovely BIG ginger tom. Gorgeous, bit like Damian Lewis or Toby Stephens (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif)
Ooooohhhhhhhh men, don't you just love 'em?? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wink.gif)
Liddy went to the loo last week and hasn't been seen since (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif)
I'll pick you up in half an hour Addy. Elsie, will you be coming too??
Great May.