Old Ladies' Traditional Values Association Options

[appleblossom]

'Ello ladies! Tryin' to sneak out wivout me were ya??! I can see ya now you know! I woz indeed stuck- "Oh dear what can the matter be- my old Liddys stuck in the lavatory!". That woz all the 'elp I got from stoopid Bert! Mind ya, a good excuse to get them luvverly fire boys out agen. Hehe! You missed a treat there May!

May- what on earf do ya look like darlin'? We only goin' to the Camel! You fink old Oscars gonna be there? Oscar's a fing on the telly, ya great wazzock! It's a statue fing ya get fer actin'. You get one every time fer actin' so daft.

Addy me old pal. I'm right sorry I ain't bin in touch. I tried to write from the loo, but the paper ain't so fick as it woz is it darlin'? D'ya remember the fick old paper we used to 'ave, do ya sweet? Cheap old stuff we got now. Me pen nib went right froo it. Still, I'm back now in time fer us to go to that Big Plum place in Americka! Cor- I'm right lookin forward to that sweet. Are we gonna 'ave anuvver big Lino to travel abaht in? I fancy one of them Yella Cabby fings.

Mean time, I'm gonna go and jump on that Jack Oozy fella! 'Ow many tins a baked beans do you 'ave to eat before goin' in there then? That's 'ow you get the bubbles, innit?

Laters loveys
Liddy xxxxxx

[The Old Lady]

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) If you eat all those baked beans Liddy, you'll be back on the loo before you can say"Trumps". (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif)
We're all up the Purple Camel Liddy, are you coming too...... go on, be a devil (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)
Cor blimey Addy, that landlady is a bit odd, so's that smell from those funny cigarettes (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif) Glad I don't smoke (IMG:style_emoticons/default/unsure.gif) Still, the beers good, and that hot pot was interesting, what was the meat in that Elsie?? I wasn't too sure. Very tasty though.
Lovely singing Addy, if you like that sort of thing. Not sure what the bikers thought of it. That big one with all the tatoos liked my leggings, he couldn't believe I was only 49 (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif)
Oh, I am having a nice time Addy.
Great Aunt May.

[petrat]

Oh no, you didn't eat the hotpot did you Great May? It isn't fit for man or dog! Chef uses road kill so it could have been badger, hedgehog or anything! Don't ever, ever try his ratatouille!
My solo spot was another triumph, as usual. I did a lovely top E flat in Chester, but my top G at the Camel had to be heard to be believed. I can still do it after all these years.
You only 49 May? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif) I don't think so Dear! I looked you up on the WWW interweb thing and read all about you in the Who's been Who section. You are 88 if you are a day! And you've got some rather unsavory songs listed in your repertoire too if I may say so May. I may, may I May? I can't imagine that your concert programme "My Mule and my Elbow" had many takers! You should have stuck to birds and bees like that Katyjay. There's a lady who knows about programme building. You could learn from her Great May.
(Even at your age, Dear.)
Liddy! Glad you could make it too. We had been wondering where you had got to. An evening at the Purple Camel just would not be the same without you. That Great May was a bit of an embarrassment to tell the truth. She kept chatting up the men, asking them if they wanted to drop in to see her Tiddles! And she was drinking pints all evening too! Gin on your porridge is one thing, but a lady drinking pints really is not on, even in the Camel. Only a few days to go until we jet off to the U.S. of A now Lidd. Come over tomorrow and we can look at the music in more detail. We need to produce some of our usual stunning performances there. I have told my agent that we will need another limo so we'll see what he manages to get for us. Oooo, I am looking forward to it. X Addy.

[The Old Lady]

I was there Addy, and I still can't believe it. Your top G that is (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif) Don't think anyone there had ever heard anything like it in their lives (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) Did you have to sit on a hedgehog to get that high?? Ok, OK, just asking (IMG:style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif)
Yes, New Yorkers is coming up, and I have been practising with my co-star, Dilly, who I think may have also fallen down the loo and been flushed away (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif) Anyone know anything???
Had a bit of a gippy tummy this morning Addy, I'll remember what you said about the hot-pot. Hedgehog pie isn't quite my cup of tea. Thought it would be like Betty's in the Rovers (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)
Must go and pack , have to leave the Grange in the morning. One or two little things to do before I go................... just coming Hughie dear (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif)
Great Aunt May.

[appleblossom]

May- what are you on abaht swee'eart? You ain't comin' to that Plummy place wiv me an' Add surely? Tell me it ain't so Add, fer gawd sake. I can't cope! I'm gonna shut meself in the loo agen, I reelly am. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif)

I just 'ad a fine old time wiv that Jack Oozy, now I'm all stressed agen. Ten tons a baked beans won't make enuff bubbles to calm me down if May's comin' wiv us Add. I wanna go to 'ave breakfast at that Tiffany's place. Nice gel so I 'eard. That May will make a right show of 'erself. Can't we just pack up an' go Add? Ay Add? What d'ya say Add? Say nay ta May Add! Please darlin'.

Ah well, sweet, we can still 'ave a good time eh? We can run orf agen when she ain't lookin'. We can take 'er to that Cape Carnival place and 'ave 'er blasted up to the moon!! She'll 'ave a fine old time floatin' around by 'erself. Mind ya, she'll probably get hitched to the man in the moon!! Hehe! That sounds like a plan Add!

I gotta song, darlin' we can sing:

"We're gonna ride in a Yella Cabby fing, a Yella Cabby fing, A Yella Cabby fing!" Sing along swee'eart!

"We're gonna ride in a Yella Cabby Fing...." Can ya sense me excitement Add? Can ya Add? Can ya reelly? I'm gonna start packin' right now!

Love Liddy xxxx

[petrat]

Watcha Lidd. Great May says that she and daft Dilly have parts in a Broadway show but I still don't believe them. Another of her scams I expect. If it is true though they will be so busy in rehearsals that they won't have a spare minute for man-hunting let alone tagging along with us. We superstars must keep together. We'll ask or a few bouncer type body guards when we get there. The choir are flying out on friday but I have told them that we will meet them there and that we wil make our own way there. They are paying all expenses so we have first class flights booked for the night flight this evening. We need to be at Manchester Airport for the check in at 6.00p.m. so finish your packing quick as you can and we'll make a move. Have you got your own Tiddles sorted out? That May has even copied your cat's name! She'l be calling herself Liddy-May next! Don't let her anywhere near your Bert! Unless you want to get rid of him once and for all of course Lidd.
I am off now to finish my packing. I have developed a taste for jellybeans so I'll put in a bag of those too. See you soon. X Addy.

p.s. get the first class express train into London and then you can take a hop-on flight here. We have a nice little airport a couple of miles away. I'll bring Dobbin to collect you.

[The Old Lady]

Gordon Bennet Elsie, they are a bit behind in Wales! Addy's taking Dobbin to get Liddy, a horse (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif) I hope she doesn't put Liddy on to Dobbin, poor thing'll collapse (IMG:style_emoticons/default/huh.gif)
Dilly and I are going on the private jet belonging to Brichard Ranson. He is a big fan of mine and loves music hall style (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) We are having champagne and caviar on the way, and there are big comfy lie back arm chairs to sleep in if we have a bit too much. There is room for Addy and Liddy, but get the feeling they don't like us much, and probably wouldn't come if I asked. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif)
Full scale rehersa;s for a week, and then the show. Afterr that the world is our oyster Dilly, shall we go to San Fran for a week. I've always wanted to ride the trams since "The Streets of San Francisco" was on telly, when I was a little girl. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)
Be prepared Dilly, for complete adoration from the fans, hopeyou are quick with a pen for autographs. Now then, I wonder if that tall dark handsome pilot is the same one as last time........................ (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wink.gif)
Great Aunt May.

[jod]

I think I'll risk the road kill stew. During the war a good bit of road kill always went down OK. Mind you round this way it was mainly pheasant, but beats powdered egg anyday.

That was venison - munkjack wasn't killed on the road just hit, I got that nice local farmer to finish it off with his shotgun then went 50/50 on the meat. The young man driving his 4 x 4 didn't fancy getting rid of the dear so I got him to put it in the boot and drove it to the farm.

The handsome young service man will take me to the music-hall in his Apache. He'll do anything for a jar of marmalade that young man. Thinking of inviting him to the "latin" class... after all it does take two to tango and now I've got rid of the Zimmer frame, I want to take full advantage.

Elsie

[appleblossom]

Oi! Oo you insultin' May?! You tryin' to say I could lose a pound or two?! What about you then? That Richard Brazen runs a company named after summink you'll never be agen. Bloomin' cheek- I'll get me boys on ya. I will, gawd 'elp me if I don't. Ya better 'old me back Add. I'm gonna do for 'er one a these days. I needs me Jack Oozy more than ever now. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/mad.gif)

I 'ad a fine ride on that Dobbin when I woz in Wales. Solid as a rock the old boy is. More than I can say for Hughie. Limp as a lettuce 'e is. You livin' wiv the cuckoos you are.

Blimey Add, me bags are packed and I'm ready for the off sweet. Can't wait ter get out of 'ere. You gonna stick up fer your old pal or what. I'm cryin' real tears 'ere. Never sin such a wet 'ankey in me life. She won't ever be as good as us. She's jellus and don't we knows it?

Anyway, we got all them Welsh fellas singin' to us all day long. That'll be smashin' won't it darlin'? You gonna warble a toon or two along wiv 'em are ya Addy darlin'? I got me 'ands all manured so they look good ta play the piana. Lovely red nail polish an' all. Got me 'air done special, though I'm gonna wear me Chester 'at as it went dahn a storm diddun it darlin'? I got me boy Wiggy in the middle. You wearin' ya pink wig again are ya darlin'?

Well, I'm almost ready darlin'. I'll just wipe these tears agen.... (IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif)

Be wiv ya soon lovey
Yours ever so upsetly
Liddy xx

[petrat]

Ay Lidd, comfy seat these! I like these first class plane things. We'll be taking off any minute now so let's get our seat belts on. Old Dobbin did well getting us back from Mona airport with all of your bags. Just as well that he has learnt to pull a cart otherwise we'd have been a bit short of space on his back.
That Great May is still pretending that she and daft Dill are in a show. We'll go to see it while we are there to check it out. Still don't believe it though.
They'll be getting drunk and disorderly as we speak I expect. We both know what they are like don't we! Man mad and no mistake. I am surprised that they drink so much too. I hardly ever do. I have my vocals to consider and I hope that they will last a few more years yet. My public needs me. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) Old May's voice left her years ago! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif) And as to Dilly, well, words fail me, they really do.
Ah well. They are off to San Fran after the show so we won't be going any where near there, where ever it is.
Ay, we're taking off now. This is better than the ride on the helecopters at Menai Bridge fair.
I wasn't wearing a wig at Chester Lidd. That was my new styled pink rinse that I had done at that posh place in the city. Good though wasn't it? As to your hat, I'll bet that it is better than anything that those NY designers can make. I've put in my new one with the aardvarks and anthill on, and a tea cosy incase it turns a bit nippy. We can get some new things there if we want to. I've still got some cash left from my scratch card win.
Oh goody. They are bringing us a meal now. Let's sit back and enjoy it and then we can watch one of these movies. Which one do you fancy Liddy?

[appleblossom]

Oo-er darlin'. Ain't never bin in a plane before! 'Ow does it stay up in the air then? Clever innit? We can watch a film an' all ay darlin'? Cor- this is grand livin' swee'eart.

I fancy that film wiv that Jenny Dipp fella in. 'E wears long 'air and make up. Almost the dead spit of my Philma when 'e's done up posh. Mind ya, don't wanna get near the bloke wiv the hooky hand darlin'. Could do ya a right mischief there.

Ooh would ya look at them clouds! 'Ope we don't get none of that flatulence stuff- I 'ear the plane wobbles all over the place! Bit like Great May wiv 'er foundation garments off. Hehe! Can you imagine it! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ph34r.gif) Shall I open the winda a bit love? It's a bit stuffy for my likin'. There don't seem ta be a winda opener fing. Why's that then?

Cor Add, I'm right excited. Bein' up in the air like this! Whoosh!! Hehe! I'm like a big kid ain't I? I 'ear the loos ain't sa big though. I fink I'll wait til we get ta Big Plum else I might get stuck agen. I don't wanna show you up Add, as you're my bestest pal an' all.

'Ere Add, that wing just fell off! Is that supposed to 'appen.......? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif)

[petrat]

That wasn't a wing Liddy. It was just one of those trolley things reflecting in the window. Stop getting so jumpy! All is well, the pilot said so. I did enjoy that supper. Especially the strawberry shortcake pud. A pity that we had to pass on the free champagne though, but we must remember our voices. No good going all the way there only to get dry tickly coughs is it? Pass me a pineapple juice instead lidd. We can enjoy that just as much.
I fancy watching that film with the queen in. How they got her to play herself I don't know. It must have cost a fortune. I wonder if she will win an Oscar for looking so much like herself? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

[appleblossom]

Oooh- you right clever you are Add. Fancy knowin' that was one of them trolley dolly fings! Don't they look funny wavin' their arms about, tellin' ya you ain't gotta hope if the plane crashes! Don't fink I'll be 'eadin' fer the exit if we fallin' to earf faster than a stone, ay sweet? Sorry- am I depressin' ya a little bit?

'Ave a drink wiv me Add. Go on Add. Just one won't 'urt ya. I drink to your good elf! Bottoms up! 'Ere, that Pilots got a nice rear ain't 'e? 'Ave ya sin 'im darlin'? There's summink about a Pilot ain't there? 'Ere, what's this Mile'Igh Club people told me abaht? "Ya gotta join, Lidd" they sed. "Ask the Pilot fer details". Shall I ask 'im Add, eh Add? Is it safe fer 'im ta take 'is 'ands off the steerin' wheel?

'Ere, Add. I wanna go to the loo lovey. Will ya come and stand outside in case I get stuck agen? Come on then, ducky. Don't fink I can wait any longer... (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif)

[petrat]

Just sing loudly when you get in there Lidd. You'll be fine. Don't get stuck in there again though. We land in a few minutes so there really isn't any time to ask the pilot about joining his club. Perhaps we'll find out about it on the way home. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)
The choir is flying out this evening and I told their conductor that I would meet up with them for a rehearsal on Saturday afternoon. I'm going to sing Rose of Bangor and You'll Never Walk Alone with them as my backing group as well as a few solo items. I hope that all of that Teach Yourself Conducting work has paid off Liddy. We'll be a sensation, that's what we'll be. Was it the copy that you found in that Harry Clari's dustbin Lidd? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)
I hope that they have got us a nice big limo at the airport. I asked for one. We have to look out for a man carrying a sign with our names on when we get there. He is going to take us to our hotel. We have our own penthouse suite. Do you know what a penthouse is Liddy? And don't tell me that it is where the pent lives!
Come on Lidd, hurry up. Time to fasten our seatbelts for landing. Exciting this isn't it?

[appleblossom]

Stroof darlin'! Them loos are no bigger than a tin of corned beef! fought I woz gonna need a tin opener to get out agen! Ain't goin' in there on the way 'ome even if I'm desperate. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ph34r.gif)

I bin 'avin' a right good time while you bin warblin' wiv the Welsh Rarebits Choir! I bin to a big field in the middle of Big Plum. Central Heatin' or summink it's called. Some young gel went flyin' past on a pair of them roller blade fingys so I got meself a pair! Ain't never moved so fast in me life! Woz a bit wobbly at first, and me poor old derry air took a few bashes. Good job I'm well padded innit? I'll lend 'em you when we get back 'ome.

I bin in a yella cabby fing an' all. I reelly wanted ya wiv me darlin' but couldn't wait, so there! "Where to, lady" says the fella! Me- a lady!! "Dunno" I says "Just hit the road Jack!" Clever of me to know 'is name innit? We bin all round sweet. I gotta right crane in me neck from lookin' up at them tall buildin's. Fink I'm gonna spend the rest of me days lookin' up peoples noses! Blimey, darlin'. What a fought ay?

'Ere Add!! We got our own show on that Ever So Wide Way! It's a moosical called "Two Old Ladies and a Lino". We gonna be stars Add! Some bloke saw us at Chester! You can do your toon, and I'm gonna do me "Over There" number! Good innit? 'Urry up then darlin'. We gotta choose new 'ats and frocks! Put them men dahn fer a minute, do! Our public await! hehehe! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)