When things go wrong, and how to recover. Options

[corenfa]

Those of you at Gloucester today will know *exactly* why I am posting this. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

But more seriously, before I go into it, I want to say that I don't intend this to be denigratory of anyone at all and that includes myself. I know that we are all meant to be supportive of each other at adult learner concerts - and I do not want to stray from that - however, I would like to discuss the things that went wrong when *I* played (focus on *I* because I do not want ANYBODY to feel that they need to dissect their own performances). I believe that learning includes discussion of the things that did not go according to plan in a supportive environment - which I believe this to be - in a matter-of-fact, objective way, without any hint of beating oneself up.

Consequently if anyone feels that this is not appropriate and is against the ethos of the adult learner concerts, then please let me know and I will remove this.

Today, two things went very wrong when I was playing - one in an accompaniment and one in my solo. I recovered from both, I am told. So I just wanted to talk about what I was thinking and feeling, in the hope that it may be helpful to people who get nervous during performance, and that includes myself.

In the accompaniment that went wrong, I was playing from pages printed out from IMSLP and taped together in movements. I had played from this at home many times turning pages with no problem, so when I was asked if I wanted a page turner, I said no. When I came to do the first page turn, the pages stuck, and they started to slide off the music desk on the piano. I managed to rescue it, but only for a few bars, whereupon the score fell off completely.

I managed to get it back on the music stand but by this point the soloist had been playing unaccompanied for a few bars. I was somehow able to resurrect the piece only because I knew it very well and could pick up where the soloist left off. I am told that I kept a straight face (though what was going on in my head can be pretty much paraphrased as "%?&$*?! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ph34r.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ph34r.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ph34r.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wacko.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wacko.gif) $?!"^%*" and kept playing. At the end of the movement, I apparently flung the music onto the floor next to the piano and went on to the next movement (I am actually laughing thinking about it now). I was thinking to myself: ??? CAN ANYTHING ELSE GO WRONG ??? I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT JUST HAPPENED and somehow I managed to suspend disbelief for long enough to finish the piece.

This was all a bit nerve-wracking, and though I do not normally get nerves, they came back big-time for my solo. So as a consequence, I had a memory lapse (I was not playing from score) where I have never had one before. It was obvious to me that I was totally lost. It was that awful heart stopping "I have no idea where I am" kind of moment. I decided to just jump to the next mental checkpoint that I had, a cadenza-like passage, and just keep going.

Somehow I managed to finish that piece too, and the curious thing was, I really enjoyed playing the second half of it.

Several audience members tell me that neither of the above was terribly noticeable, by which they meant that it did not unduly interrupt the flow of things too much. I have been told a lot of times that one has to play through mistakes, and done so many times, but this is the first time that I've been faced with such really drastic things going wrong.

So what have I learnt from this?

-- No matter how much I prepare, I just won't be able to account for unexpected things like the piano music desk being slightly broken so that it won't prop up all the way (definitely contributing to the music sliding off). I will just have to chalk this one up as experience (and bring clothespegs to the next concert)

-- The memory checkpoint thing that I do really works for me when it comes to memory lapses. I knew where I could pick up and was able to continue from the next checkpoint.

-- If I can somehow keep going, I am capable of recovering and getting back into the flow of things.

-- While I wish today had been uneventful, it is a boost to my confidence in a different way: The worst *did* happen, and I still managed to recover.

-- Mistakes that seem huge to us as performers are really much less noticeable if not brought to attention.

[BerkshireMum]

I think your post is very helpful, corenfa. I particularly agree with the last point about mistakes seeming huge to the performer and tiny to the audience. I've noticed this when recording my playing at home - even when I think I've really messed up, on hearing it back there is only the smallest glitch to be noticed provided one keeps going.

Playing on a strange piano can be awkward for page turns. I recently went to a one hour recital by two 21 year olds (ex-Purcell School). During the recital the pianist (a) turned over two pages instead of one (b) turned a page so forcefully that it came away in his hand and he barely caught it on its way to the floor. On both occasions he just carried on playing somehow and retrieved the situation, but I imagine his heartbeat increased no end! The audience members were really impressed by the way he dealt with it; the playing just flowed on regardless.

I'm sure we learn more when things go wrong than when they go smoothly. As you say, the worst happened, and you coped. That's brilliant! And you enjoyed performing rather than collapsing in a heap just because you'd had a memory lapse earlier. You should be very proud of yourself. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/clap.gif)

[Mad Tom]

-- If I can somehow keep going, I am capable of recovering and getting back into the flow of things.

-- Mistakes that seem huge to us as performers are really much less noticeable if not brought to attention.

!!! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif)

[Tenor Viol]

These things happen and I thought you handled it remarkably well: in a friendly environment a couple things went slightly awry (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif) But (important thing) you coped with it extremely well and you learnt a few useful tips for future performances (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif) Sounds like a win-win to me (IMG:style_emoticons/default/clap.gif)

My chamber choir recently gave a short recital at an international medical conference at the International Conference Centre in Birmingham (part of the Symphony Hall complex). By way of explanation, our MD is a professor of medicine and he was the chairman of the conference... We all travelled down by train, he was speaking at the conference and the only time he would know we were there was when we were introduced and walked onto the platform for him to conduct. We sang a short programme of English folk song arrangements by Holst, Vaughan Williams etc and finished with RVW's 'Wassail'.

Now, we're in an accoustic we've never tried, huge auditorium (1,000+ seater - there were 600 people in it), relying on an iPhone app for being given our notes, there's a huge video screens behind us and around the auditorium with images of us on it ( (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ill.gif) ). Everything went well until the last item - the Wassail. This is a tricky number, very fast one-in-a-bar, with off-beat entries adn tricky words. It was an unsettled performance and I couldn't work out exactly why - I thought the sops had come in slightly early at one point. The MD admitted at the end that he'd turned over two pages in the score and hadn't noticed, other than his attempt at bringing people in didn't match what they were doing (IMG:style_emoticons/default/rofl.gif) BUT we kept on going, we didn't fall apart, we knew there was a hiccup, but I doubt if the audience noticed - it is meant to be a bunch of drunken revellers anyway (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

I'd rather he'd had the 'turned two pages by mistake' experience in rehearsal though (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[Scooby Doo]

I think it is just a fact of musical life that if you do enough performing, these things will eventually happen, through no fault of yours. I?ve done them all - ripped out pages, sent the score flying, turned two pages at once. It is amazing how the adrenaline somehow carries you through the moment, when you would never have managed it in rehearsal. The idiosyncrasies of strange pianos can be a bit of an obstacle course.

Personally I dislike playing from a very wide score (lots of pages taped side by side) because I start to miss notes - it?s to do with my glasses - I always have a conflict between missing dots (not wearing glasses) or missing notes at the periphery of my vision (wearing glasses)! I usually have a ring binder with the music photocopied and put in plastic sleeves. This works well for rehearsals and always lies flat, but can backfire in performance depending on where the light falls - glare can be a problem.

You?re absolutely right about keeping a straight face and carrying on - I?m sure everyone thought the same as me - oh whoops, oh good, she?s sorted it out, on with the show? Likewise, when you had a memory lapse, it was momentary and most of us who would never dream of playing from memory were mightily impressed by what went before and after. Also just goes to show that a memory lapse isn?t the end of the world. I wouldn?t have batted an eyelid if you had said "stuff it" and gone to fetch the copy!

[BadStrad]

-- If I can somehow keep going, I am capable of recovering and getting back into the flow of things.

Well done you on finding the positives out of what I'm sure felt awful at the time. I think you have really hit the nail on the head with this one (see quote) though. It's one of the reasons teacher makes me work on improvising - if I get lost or forget where I am in the music I can make it up until I get to a checkpoint, as you called it.

He once told me about a "breath-taking" concert that he attended. A young cellist was playing a well known piece, lost his place and "made it up" until he got back on track. Now teacher is not one to suffer fools or bad playing lightly, but he said (well I'm para-phrasing) that he would rather re-watch that concert than a thousand concerts when every note is perfectly matched to the score but there's no feeling to it. I am sure most people would feel the same - better to have slips but keep going and give some passion than to play perfectly accurately with nothing to say. It sounds to me like you are definitely a member of the first camp, Corfena.

So again - well done you for keeping going.

[Tenor Viol]

It was that awful heart stopping "I have no idea where I am" kind of moment.

My singing teacher, who was a professional counter-tenor, was performing Handel arias at the Purcell Room with I think either Hogwood or Pinnock on harpsichord. He went on stage to sing without the music and in one da capo item got 'lost' on the return - Hogwood/Pinnock looped round (twice!) - and they finished it. Hogwood/Pinnock said to him afterward he did wonder if he was just going to loop round indefinitely! After that experience, he always had the score to hand, even if he didn't use it.

[Blackbird77]

Thank you for your post Corenfa - I think your honesty and your clarity will help a lot of people, me being one of them. I've had things go wrong at learner concerts when I cannot get my nerves under control and when I failed my exam I did consider giving up completely.

I've learnt a lot from these experiences and I think in some way they have helped me "grow" because having experienced what I have feared most, I have realised that I can come out the other side and that I am going to need help to address some of my issues.

My teacher has given me some great advice and yes I am going to make mistakes but what I need to learn is to let them go and move on instead of thinking I am the biggest idiot on the planet.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and the importance of focusing on the positives - it is going to inspire a lot of people.

[BadStrad]

Thank you for sharing your experiences and the importance of focusing on the positives - it is going to inspire a lot of people.

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/agree.gif)

[Tenor Viol]

Thank you for sharing your experiences and the importance of focusing on the positives - it is going to inspire a lot of people.

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/agree.gif)

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/agree.gif) +1

[Devonclari]

Thank you for posting this as those of you who were at Gloucester will know, my nerves got the bettter of me to the extent that I didn't play one of my pieces for which I feel a bit daft now. This will remind those of us who are very good at the negative self talk that even when things go wrong they don't detract from enjoying a great performance

[corenfa]

Thanks all... I am glad someone is getting some use out of thinking about this besides me.

The person i was ten years ago (when I was a music student) would never have thought this way ("biggest idiot on the planet" - that sounds familiar). I'd have thought, then, that to allow myself to "recover" from mistakes was the same as sugar-coating them - as saying, they don't matter, it's OK to not practise because people can't spot the mistakes. It isn't that the audience can't spot them - that may be true for a couple of missed notes but let's face it, if the entire score falls off, or the phrase just suddenly stops and continues somewhere else, that's not possible to hide. Rather, it's that even though they noticed it, it wasn't so awful that it wrecked the entire performance. Of course I don't want things like this to happen, but they did, and they will do again, so I can either go nuts trying to prevent them or find a way to not completely collapse when they do.

It would also be a reasonable question to ask: OK, so *you* recovered - what about your poor soloist? Didn't you mess it up for them? In an absolute sense, yes I did and I wish that it hadn't happened. However, I think this is different from messing up because of lack of preparation; I do feel that as an accompanist I have a bit of "duty of care" to make sure that I've done my best to learn the part, and if I have done so, I then have to acknowledge that I still can't control the random factors. (Again the person I was ten years ago would have said: Don't make excuses for yourself, but I've largely managed to get it to shut up now)

[Benjy]

It would also be a reasonable question to ask: OK, so *you* recovered - what about your poor soloist? Didn't you mess it up for them?

I think he was far too worried about his sticky B flat valve to even notice what was going on (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blush.gif) Well recovered by the way! I was particularly impressed by the 8 bars or so played from memory. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[corenfa]

It would also be a reasonable question to ask: OK, so *you* recovered - what about your poor soloist? Didn't you mess it up for them?

I think he was far too worried about his sticky B flat valve to even notice what was going on (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blush.gif) Well recovered by the way! I was particularly impressed by the 8 bars or so played from memory. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

Haha you've entirely proved my point in a different way - random things that go wrong!!! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) When I was trying out the piano in my run-throughs with other people before everyone else showed up, one of the piano keys got stuck and wouldn't come up, so that could easily have been me too...

[Roseau]

My teacher once told me that one of the biggest difference between a professional and an amateur is how they deal with mistakes. He said that everyone (including top professionals) makes mistakes; when an amateur makes a mistake they are thrown by the mistake and then promptly make another because they are thinking about the mistake they've just made rather than the notes they are currently playing. According to my teacher, a professional is always concentrated entirely on the present moment; once a mistake has been made it has been made and you can't take it back so professionals just carry on. He said this doesn't mean professionals are unaware of their mistakes but rather that they have a separate brain "compartment" in which they file away the mistake for analysis after the performance is over.