Family support, Are your family supportive or not? Options

[katemorrisviolin]

I spend alot of time on music, comparable to how much time my kids spend on all their extracurricular activities. Anyone who thinks I should spend less time on my own pleasure and even more of my "free" time being my kids' and OH's personal assistant can take a running jump. My needs are as important as theirs. But it is a two way thing.
I like to think I am setting an example of the pleasure of lifelong learning, an example that yes first you have to earn a living but also life is to be cherished and enjoyed to the full doing things you enjoy, and time should be allocated to creative activity. It's good for them to see their mum being creative and learning new skills, and important to learn that sometimes they have to give support to me, just as I happily support them by ferrying them to lessons and attending their performances etc.
Sometimes I do get carried away with the length of my practice time, and my OH has to remind me not to get carried away and not to forget him. But that's ok, I am aware that I have an addictive personality so don't mind being reminded not to over-do it. We have an understanding that we have arrived at through love and negotiation.
I've been set a good example myself. My father age 67 has just completed a degree with the open university, and just taken his grade 3 piano. My mum has just started art lessons and is learning to draw. To me this is completely normal and healthy behaviour. My in-laws are constantly baffled by our strange ways...........

[Yoshifumu]

I'm probably relatively young, but I've mainly found support so far, some slight disinterest from the previous generation of family, and very little reproach.

I usually end up trying to encourage friends and family to take up an instrument (or restart one from childhood as is often the case) as they moan about never being able to play anything properly. Maybe they would be more negative towards me if i was part of their generation? but as a young adult I am excused from this stigma?

Either way I would put it down to who matters the most, and if your partner and children are happy with it. What right do they have to judge? If anything your playing should motivate your family to join in with you, possibly learn their own instruments. Not push them away. And if that happens those who are critical have absolutely no grounds on which to base their judgement.

[corenfa]

One of the most destructive mental habits that I used to have (since thankfully grown out of) was that once I was out of school (including university) I would never have the time to formally learn anything new again. I'm glad I dumped that one some years ago.

Completely agree about not spending 100% of time doing stuff with or for family - if my situation changed and I had children, I still wouldn't spend 100% of my energy on them. I think it's good for children to know that parents have interests too, and that parents don't exist just to serve them. That's how it was when I was growing up.

[flobiano]

...
I like to think I am setting an example of the pleasure of lifelong learning, an example that yes first you have to earn a living but also life is to be cherished and enjoyed to the full doing things you enjoy, and time should be allocated to creative activity. It's good for them to see their mum being creative and learning new skills, and important to learn that sometimes they have to give support to me, just as I happily support them by ferrying them to lessons and attending their performances etc. ...

I quite agree, not that I have kids myself, but I agree with the philosophy.

I've been set a good example myself. My father age 67 has just completed a degree with the open university, and just taken his grade 3 piano. My mum has just started art lessons and is learning to draw. To me this is completely normal and healthy behaviour. My in-laws are constantly baffled by our strange ways...........

brilliant - well done to your Mum and Dad (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) What a great example!

I think it is probably a bit more acceptable for me, as I don't have children. My OH is very supportive - and my practice has encouraged him to get his guitar out and start writing songs again. Which is great! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) My friends are generally benignly disinterested but I haven't had any disparaging comments. I have one lovely friend who is very supportive and always wants to come to my orchestra concerts. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) Thinking through the friends that I have, a large number of them also have their own "thing" that they do that also takes time/ money so they probably don't think it odd that I do - a lot of them also play musical instruments as that's how I've got to know them, but others are into rock climbing, going to the gym, crafts, singing in choirs, photography, amateur dramatics etc. I suppose that because I am not in that Mums network I don't come across people that are completely focussed on their family...and any friends that I had that went into that mode I gradually drifted apart from as we didn't really have anything in common anymore.

So in answer to the OH, it sounds like you need some new friends. Beware the frenemy - those who prefer to have company in dullness and misery. A true friend will encourage you to do the things that make you happy and fulfilled.

[niobe]

I've been set a good example myself. My father age 67 has just completed a degree with the open university, and just taken his grade 3 piano. My mum has just started art lessons and is learning to draw. To me this is completely normal and healthy behaviour. My in-laws are constantly baffled by our strange ways...........

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/party2.gif) That's fantastic, congratulations to your mother and father.

Happy Easter!

[LearnerFlute]

Hello,

Luckily my friends have been very supportive. My mum friends and work friends are brilliant. Opposition is mostly from family (including my own parents). My my mum won't even listen to me play. My dad thinks it's good I play the flute but doesn't want me to learn the violin. It seems I had more support when I was just learning one instrument but now I want to learn a second, the general feeling is I won't cope or that the flute playing will suffer. I just really want to learn. As training for my flute exam I had to listen to loads of classical music and I love the sound of the violin!

LearnerFlute x

[Sunrise]

Hello,

Luckily my friends have been very supportive. My mum friends and work friends are brilliant. Opposition is mostly from family (including my own parents). My my mum won't even listen to me play. My dad thinks it's good I play the flute but doesn't want me to learn the violin. It seems I had more support when I was just learning one instrument but now I want to learn a second, the general feeling is I won't cope or that the flute playing will suffer. I just really want to learn. As training for my flute exam I had to listen to loads of classical music and I love the sound of the violin!

LearnerFlute x

Have you thought that it might be the thought of the sound the violin beginner is known to make that is worrying them??? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif)
Just a thought.... (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif)

[katemorrisviolin]

Hello,

Luckily my friends have been very supportive. My mum friends and work friends are brilliant. Opposition is mostly from family (including my own parents). My my mum won't even listen to me play. My dad thinks it's good I play the flute but doesn't want me to learn the violin. It seems I had more support when I was just learning one instrument but now I want to learn a second, the general feeling is I won't cope or that the flute playing will suffer. I just really want to learn. As training for my flute exam I had to listen to loads of classical music and I love the sound of the violin!

LearnerFlute x

Have you thought that it might be the thought of the sound the violin beginner is known to make that is worrying them??? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif)
Just a thought.... (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif)

Ha ha yes indeed! But you can get a good mute. And being already a musician, and an adult, I'm sure you will be sensitive to working towards making a pleasant sound from the start.

[Blackbird77]

I used to have a "friend" who would put me down at every opportunity when it came to music - they would say I sounded awful, that I would fail exams etc etc - needless to say this person is no longer a friend. Generally friends and colleagues are very supportive - offering to come and hear me play or listening to me waffle on about my lessons, music, instruments...... (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blush.gif)

My OH is particularly supportive - he offered a shoulder to cry on when I failed, a new flute when I passed and has recently driven over 100 miles just to bring my violin to my new location as I happened to mention in a phone call how much I was missing playing.

I'm very lucky.

[Tenor Viol]

I used to have a "friend" who would put me down at every opportunity when it came to music - they would say I sounded awful, that I would fail exams etc etc - needless to say this person is no longer a friend. Generally friends and colleagues are very supportive - offering to come and hear me play or listening to me waffle on about my lessons, music, instruments...... (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blush.gif)

My OH is particularly supportive - he offered a shoulder to cry on when I failed, a new flute when I passed and has recently driven over 100 miles just to bring my violin to my new location as I happened to mention in a phone call how much I was missing playing.

I'm very lucky.

This rings bells (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif) I had a long-standing "friend" who would denigrate anything I did including being disparaging about my singing yet had never heard me perform in a concert.

I eventually realised his put-downs and behaviour were his "entertainment" and that I was being used for his amusement. Took me a while to understand this, but he became an ex-friend. It was remarkable how many things straightened themselves out after that decision.

Sadly, there really are people who enjoy putting others down - probably because they can't do it themselves, so it's a form of jealousy.

[GMc]

I agree totally with those who like to demonstrate life long learning to their children. Be it an instrument or a new language or a new sport etc etc. Lots of my work colleagues play something as well. And now I am of a certain age where I am seeing the decline of my own and friends' parents I can say that it is the beginning of the end when you have no interests in life apart from moaning and your health. The healthiest older people are those with continued enthusiasm for life and new learning opportunities.

I am lucky in having a DH who has always been used to me travelling away for work, training for sporting events, playing music.....And I happily wave him off to wherever the National Sailing Championships are and to weekly sailing, golf etc. We are happy to hold the fort and tend to the children alone to let each other do these things. I have friends who have a separate holiday each per year - he cycles vast distances with cycling mates and she does cultural pursuits with friends in various countries and cities. Children never stopped them doing that even when they were very young.

Now if only I could train DH to cart the harp about for DD with more skill and confidence.....it scares the life out of him especially steps and car loading. I get advice seeking texts like crazy if I am away from the moment it gets the covers on to the moment it gets back into the house!

[Susie]

Now if only I could train DH to cart the harp about for DD with more skill and confidence.....it scares the life out of him especially steps and car loading. I get advice seeking texts like crazy if I am away from the moment it gets the covers on to the moment it gets back into the house!

Well, that's ok. Practice makes perfect, even with harp moving skills. And if that's what it takes to let you have time away doing what you like then that's ok. Try convincing him that harp has been ok so far, so he's very competent. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

[lottie]

I think I'm quite privileged in my position: OH ( (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wub.gif) ) goes out to work, I work from home and we have no kids. He has his interests (mountain sports.. so days/weekends away climbing then) and I have my music and we share the dogs. For context I was a semi-professional clarinettist but gave up in my early 20s so I had a musically saturated early life!

When I started violin about five years ago (aged 39) OH was very sceptical and I could only practice when he was out. He made it hugely clear on a regular basis that he "hated" the sound but of course I was free to do as I liked when he was not around.

When I switched to viola OH said he was much happier with the sound and when I bought my 'good' viola last year he did admit it had a "glorious" sound and was less painful on his ear. With my string of high marks too for the beginners exams he has developed some respect for my music and will quietly help out even to the extent of encouraging me to practice leading up to an exam! But I still have to play two rooms away with all the doors closed (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

The rest of the family is different though sadly. My brother always hated me practising when I was a child so when I offered to buy his twins (aged 7) starter violins, or ANY instrument they chose, he was extremely rude about it. Thankfully his wife understands the benefits to concentration of music etc but she also has no respect for anything I do so refused the instruments but at least enrolled them in choir .. which they love. They also have a piano in the house but no lessons as yet. I am not allowed to mention music to any of them without accusations of snobbery.

My Father still loves his own music and although he can't play his violin any more he manages to play the mandolin and enjoys it. But although he happily will chat for hours about music and instruments it's generally only about his own interests and doesn't want to hear about my viola playing. He certainly doesn't want me to play to him in case I make a mistake which would distress him as it did when I was a child (and yes, you can imagine the damage that did to my confidence). But he is on the Aspergers end of the Autistic spectrum so as an adult I don't take it personally. He has never seen my viola but is actively trying to get me to play the mandolin... because it's HIS interest. (No, I'm not (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif) )

My Mother-in-Law seems to hate all music although she did tolerate her husband's interest in Opera on a small level. When I began violin she told me just how much she "hated" it! Luckily she lives far away and when she came for the weekend I just didn't play and said nothing about it. Over the years though, and with the high exam marks, I think she has developed some respect for me and my dedication. Although she has never heard me play, and probably doesn't want to, she will ask how I am getting on with practice, will phone to wish me luck and again to see how an exam went, and will send me birthday cards with violins on them!! I think her attitude is now very sweet (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

My non-musical friends know I play but we never discuss the subject... if anything they express some admiration for my interest and are never derogatory.

And my musical friends know me well (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) It's all about fun (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif) It's only my 'hobby' (loved the interesting post from TenorViol back on page one and agree with him) and I have no intention of professional ambition (I love my current day job). So really I don't care who is supportive and who is not because I am doing it out of love for the instrument and am having a great time (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) !

[schraeubchen]

I am in a lucky position too. Husband leaves home for work soon after I am back from work. Thatfor he seldom is at home when I am practising. But he is very supportive. He will take some days of work when I will be away to take a masterclass, he will take a day off, when I will have exam, he travelled with me when I sat grade 5 theory and if he is at home he sometimes is giving me feedback.
Mother in law is also very supportive. She wants me to tell everything that happens on my flute journey and asks from time to time to bring my flute so she can hear me playing.

My own parents are not supportive. Just some month ago they stated, that I can only do this, because whe don't have children. But maybe it is a general problem with my parents. They seem to want me getting good results in exams but they also seem to not want me to put time, money and other things into learning music. Someone here said something about jealousy and maybe that is right.

Most of my colleagues have no idea about classical music and think the only true music is the one you need electric guitars and other electronical stuff. Maybe they think I am crazy loving classical music or they feel dumb that they don't know a thing about it, I don't know.
And from time to time I got asked if I still can not play the flute after such a long time of taking lessons. Maybe it is just foreign to some people that there are things in life to learn, that need more time than just a few days.

All in all I have to say I now get much more support from people around me than I got when I was younger and first of all I have to mention my teacher, my husband and my best friend.

[Tenor Viol]

...
And my musical friends know me well (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) It's all about fun (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif) It's only my 'hobby' (loved the interesting post from TenorViol back on page one and agree with him) and I have no intention of professional ambition (I love my current day job). So really I don't care who is supportive and who is not because I am doing it out of love for the instrument and am having a great time (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) !

Aww shucks (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blush.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)