Pushy Parent Rant! Options

[dorabella x]

I know we all have to suffer the above, to a greater or lesser extent - its part of our job. But I wonder if anybody has any tactic to offer that I haven't used already.

For instance, child number one passes grade 1 (only a pass!) mother comes in with grade 2 book next lesson and tells me child will do the exam in December. I point out that if would have been nice to be consulted, as I intended to do some fun pieces, theory, hands together scales etc before new syllabus comes out in July. After a very heated discussion, I have agreed to help child with one grade 2 piece per lesson, but mainly concentrate on theory, where said child is extremely weak. It is not a happy atmosphere.

Older child - same thing, but warned mother NOT to get grade 6 book, as no time left on this syllabus. She disagrees - the exam must be done in December. I point out that child has not got the appropriate Grade 5 theory. Do that at the same time was the reply. I get the ABRSM regs out and point out this cannot be done.
I give her telephone number of the ABRSM. She then states her husband will not be pleased with me. I politely state that I would be delighted to discuss this with him (I've never seen him in all the years I've been teaching the children). She then reiterates what she wants (they are English, so no language problem) I say it can't be done. She walks out.

Question - what on earth do I do if she starts this again this week? The children are lovely, and I would hate to loose them, but how do I get through to her that her children are not robots, and that I will not be dictated to in this manner?
Anything considered - help!

Dorabella X

[Aquarelle]

Oh Dorabella x, how awful!

I don't really know what to offer in the way of helpful suggestions but I think I might suggest that the mother herself enters the older child for Grade 6. I think the Board will accept a Grade 5 Theory entry in the same session but will only give the certificate for the Grade 6 after the theory paper has been done successfully. You could ring them to find out. There must be other cases - not necessarily involving a pushy parent - sickness or first time failure of the theory paper so they might allow it if you ask. You could even suggest to the mother that she contacts the Board on this one herself. Make her do the work and take the responsibility.

For the Grade 1/2 child I suppose you could do the same and then invite the mother to sit in on the lessons. Perhaps she would see how much more difficult Grade 2 is than Grade 1. In my view it is unfortunaltely a weak point in the syllabus as the jump is far too big at this stage, particularly as far as the technical requirements are concerned.

The only other thing I can think of is, sadly, that you tell her to find another teacher - who will no doubt say the same as you. Or just enter them both (if the Grade 5 theory problem can be overcome) and tell her straight that you cannot be responsible for failures if she won't take your advice.

[Louise H]

I think you have to stand your ground, if you can, and explain, as the teacher, that mum's expectations are unrealistic. Does mum have a particular reason why these exams must be taken in December? She seems to be intent on putting a lot of pressure on her children as well as on you. Have they just taken Grade 1 & 5 this last session? Doing Grade 5 theory and Grade 6 practical at the same time is equally unrealistic - although the current grade 6 would still be valid next Spring. It's still a tall order though. I'm guessing they are doing piano since you mentioned doing hands together scales for the younger one.

I think you can explain that you would be happy for the pupils to start working on requirements for the next exams in terms of technical work, fun pieces with a purpose without being grade x specific, perhaps a grade x piece but not necessarily what's on the current syllabus etc so they are building up to be able to work on the next grade syllabus when it comes out. Are they likely to have a significant gap in lessons over the summer holidays?

Ultimately, if mum thinks she knows better than you and isn't willing to listen to your advice, then you don't need that stress, however sad it would be to lose the pupils. You say you've been teaching them for a number of years - has mum been this pushy before? Learning an instrument is about becoming a musician, not ticking off exams as quickly as possible!

Good luck with this one - mum sounds more than pushy to me to the point of dictating how you teach her children.

[Pianotimes]

I can't believe this is for real! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif)
Did she give any indication of why it had to be december? I sounds as though you didn't get much of a word in to ask mind you...
Not sure if I'm right in this so please check (or whether its any help) but I think there is an overlap so the pieces can still be used the following spring session? So you could maybe get grade 5 theory out of the way first?
I've had pushy but not that pushy. I went along the lines of we need a little time but we'll aim for ... and they were happy. Sounds like that didn't work here. You could say thanks for making me aware and its great that you care that much so it would be great if you could support x in .... (give her something useful to do with them eg making sure they've done their theory homework haha.) Mind you if that were my mum I'm sure I'd hate to have her helping me (or interfering) with anything!
Are you able to really set the agenda before she gets a word in (in strong purposeful tones!), eg making it very clear at the end of the lesson what will be happening next week so she sees that you're in charge? Would say to share longer term plans with her but its sounds like she might become awkward if you have to change the plan.
Sorry this may not be much help! Not sure what to say as it doesn't sound like there is much reasoning with her. Hope things improve for you with her.

[Bagpuss]

This makes my heart sink, dorabella x.

There will be plenty (all?!) of teachers here who know EXACTLY what you are trying to deal with. In agreement with what has been said already, you must stand firm here. You are talking total sense and, after all, YOU are the professional here....

Stick at it and try and get the Real Message across. If that fails then it'll be Plan B....

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Plan-A-Bag x

[Tixylix]

Regulation 1.d) Prerequisites for Practical Grades 6, 7 and 8: candidates must already have passed one of the qualifications listed in the Exam Entry section. This must have been passed before the closing date for the Practical exam and the certificate or mark form must be supplied at the time of entry, except for ABRSM qualifications gained in or after Period C 1993 and taken in the UK or Ireland (for which supporting documentation will only be required in cases where ABRSM is unable to verify the qualification from its records).

There does not seem to be any wriggle room in this, and that it's part of Regulation 1 would imply that they take it very seriously. If the mum wants to waste her time arguing with the board about this then she can go for it, they're just going to tell her this. I'm not sure exactly what they do if the theory prerequisite cannot be supplied but the regulations are very clear. There is an overlap with session A in the UK so the 2012 syllabus can be used in spring 2013 but it doesn't sound like that's the point.

I know you don't want to lose these pupils but if the mother refuses to believe you about something as black and white as the board's regulations I can't see anything positive coming out of this. If she will not listen to you then tell her to find another teacher because you will not tolerate this sort of behaviour - the comment about her husband not being pleased with you sounds rather sinister to me and thinly veiled threats will not change the rules or the fact that her expectations are completely unrealistic. If she can't get her own way will she get her husband to come and intimidate you?

[Misterioso]

I know you don't want to lose these pupils but if the mother refuses to believe you about something as black and white as the board's regulations I can't see anything positive coming out of this. If she will not listen to you then tell her to find another teacher because you will not tolerate this sort of behaviour - the comment about her husband not being pleased with you sounds rather sinister to me and thinly veiled threats will not change the rules or the fact that her expectations are completely unrealistic. If she can't get her own way will she get her husband to come and intimidate you?

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/agree.gif)

Sad as you feel it would be to lose these two, no-one needs this kind of stress. I've only had one parent as pushy as this; I said that his son would not be ready for Grade 5 violin, so he went behind my back and entered him for it with the son's piano teacher. Fortunately, the mother was more reasonable, and I was able to explain that I would do my best for him since the entry had gone in, but wasn't going to guarantee anything. Extra lessons followed.....

I'm sure you've explained to this delightful mum that it's not really a good idea to go from one exam straight into working for another, and backed it up with all the reasons. Can you tell her straight that they won't be ready that quickly, and ask her why she is so adamant that they are done in December? And have you asked the pupils themselves what they feel about all this (obviously without making it sound like you are taking sides or criticising mum!) You sound as though you have been clear, calm and rational with this parent, and she isn't listening. I agree with those who say that if she is going to dictate to you, she needs to find another teacher. And definitely have her ring the Board and argue with them rather than you having to do it; likewise, get her to put the entry in, but tell her you are not responsible for the results as she has gone against your advice.

Here's a virtual hug. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/grouphug.gif)

[Susie]

I do agree with everything everyone has said so far and send you my commiserations as well. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/grouphug.gif)

Does she make her points before or after the lesson?

If after, then I would proceed during lesson exactly as you intend to do because it makes sense professionally.

If beforehand, then you need to keep cool and not get agitated in yourself (maybe you're good at that - I tend to get un-nerved and a bit pink) - draw yourself up to your full height and make a speech along the following lines: '"drawing on my x years of experience" I strongly advise against the course of action that you wish me to take. Have you any reply from the Board regarding your queries?' You could go further along the path that the exams are not designed to be taken "one a year" especially at higher grades and consolidation needs to take place.

Best of luck. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/fingersCrossed.gif)

[Scooby Doo]

Sympathies, been there. My pet hate is students and parents who immediately start pressing for the next grade (sometimes before the result of the last exam is even in....yes, I've had that too!)

How about showing Mum the marking criteria in the "These Music Exams" booklet and showing her the differences between grade 5 and 6? - expectations are considerably higher for grade 6 and it is really important that a serious amount of consolidation goes on between exams at this stage in order to get a good feel for the different periods and styles of music.

In situations like this I've usually laid down some ground rules about repertoire in particular - the student has to learn to a reasonable standard (ie not completely perfect, but getting the overall feel and conquering any technical issues) a number of pieces at the new grade level - I would usually suggest 3 Baroque, 3 Classical, 3 Romantic and 3 Modern, covering a good range of different techniques. Only then will I consider working on exam pieces again. A motivated student can cover this ground in a term or so if they really want to.

I think parents will usually back off once you acknowledge their agenda and explain your reasons for taking a particular route towards a shared goal. Yes, we are working towards grade x, via whatever technical and repertoire work you deem appropriate.

[FullofWind]

I didn't think people like this actually existed! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif)

[maggiemay]

Oh dear. I'm afraid I would find it REALLY difficult to resist handing the book back to mum, with the reply ' in that case, you will be teaching the lessons'.

However if you really don't want to lose them, you've had some really good practical advice in previous posts and I don't have anything else to add. Stick to your guns and good luck.

I inherited a grade 5 (passed) student last term, who already had the grade 6 book - which I am studiously ignoring, as I feel she has faulty technique and is not a solid grade 5 across the board. Now into the second term, I am expecting to have to argue my case fairly soon, but have made it clear we are working on lots of repertoire etc etc.

[Bagpuss]

I had a pupe not so long ago turn up to its lesson clutching the dreaded Yellow Book of the next grade pieces as said pupe's parent thought it was "time we got cracking." (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif)

I made the pupe take it back and emailed the parent to say we wouldn't be using any of the pieces from that book, they should get their money back and I would let them know when the pupe was READY for another exam...

I sweated it out and stood FIRM. We Bags can be quite tough sometimes....

Oh, and yes, the pupe went on to gain a distinction for the Next Grade....

Gahhh.

OP - you stay STRONG here - you have a lot of support amongst your cyber-colleagues here.

Bag (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) x

[Ayshah]

You have had very good advice from other members. I would like to add that if you do relent and put these children in for the exams, you actually put in writing that you, in your capcity as a professional teacher of several years experience, etc, will not be held responsible for the outcome of the exams, should they be well below standard, as the timing of the entry in December 2012, was against your advice. That Advice being the pupil would be ready to take the exams in a later session.

Good luck.

[Scooby Doo]

Er no, if you as the teacher are not happy that the student is ready for the exam, don't enter them, it's a simple as that. I have a clause in my contract now to cover exactly this situation - it says that no public performances (including exams etc) are to be given without teacher's consent. Also I as the teacher won't enter anyone for exams, competitions etc without permission, so it works both ways. If a parent decides to ignore my advice and enter a child for an exam against my wishes (hasn't happened yet, thank goodness) that is grounds for termination of our agreement.

[CBDPHILLIPS]

I completely agree with the responses. I'm a fairly new teacher (been teaching for just over a year now) and I'm very lucky with my parents. I would agree that you are a professional, and the parent should go with what you recommend, especially if you have been teaching both her children for a few years. I wouldn't let her undermine you again and if it continues then you should stop teaching her children. You never know, the very promise of leaving may stop her.

Good luck! xx (IMG:style_emoticons/default/goodLuck.gif)