Parent Problem Options

[Seer_Green]

I've recently taken on a new 15 year old piano pupil. Their parent came with them to the first lesson, and sadly, all my questions directed at the child were answered by the parent. They don't come across as particularly shy or unable to answer for themselves (and I make a particular effort to speak directly to the child rather than across them to the parent, particularly in that age group). After the first lesson, said parent said could they come to the next few until child got used to it.

They've now been to two more - last week they sat in silence, but this week there were some interruptions which I wasn't very happy about such as parent interrupting with "Can I stop you there because I don't think child is understanding this" (partly I'm quite experienced enough to be able to judge this myself, and also, the first few lessons are inevitably going to be about guaging where the child is at). I do make it clear right from the start that it's not my policy to have parents in lessons, and had made (regrettably) an exception in this case. I get the impression though that the parent is here to stay. I'm quite clear in my mind that the lessons aren't going to work like this, and I felt that some of the things said this week simply undermined my teaching. Trouble is, I'm not sure how to best put this across without offending them! Tricky thing is that I don't think child wants parent there either.

[Czerny]

Was the exception proposed as temporary or permanent, or was that never specified? Either way, I think you probably have to bit the bullet. Perhaps you could suggest a "temporary" trial of the parent not sitting in and then follow that up by explaining that it worked much better as a one-to-one situation and could you stick to that henceforth.

I did something similar with a parent recently, albeit with much younger children (siblings) having a shared lesson. I was finding the (whispered) interaction between the parent and the child whom I wasn't teaching very distracting (not to mention the room being too full of people!) and asked him if he'd mind not staying for a week to see how it went. I worked much better that way and we have kept to that arrangement since. Now I am unarguably the one in control and the "extra" child is expected either to sit and listen, quietly read or do a puzzle, or sometimes to participate (sorry - I know that's not directly relevant to your situation).

[DaisyChain]

Unless the child has some kind of learning disability, the parent needs to be told that they're not to stay in the lesson- particularly if the child doesn't want them there. I would say to parent that now pupil has had a group of lessons, it's now time to leave you both to it. Stipulate that this is the way you work, and your decision is final. After all, does the parent tag along to all school lessons at the beginning?

Easier said than done, but the child is old enough to decide if s/he wants parent there or not. It's their lesson at the end of the day. Most of my fifteen year olds would cringe at the thought of parents being in the lesson. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif)

[Scooby Doo]

I wouldn't say anything about the kid not wanting the parent there!

Definitely time to sort things out now, before the situation becomes entrenched. I think I would try to speak to the parent on the phone, rather than have a discussion in front of the kid. Why not say something along the lines of "now you have seen how I work and you have a reasonable idea of what goes on in lessons, i need to continue with teaching one to one as I do with my other students. Having someone else in the room is too distracting for me, so please could you leave us to it, now." if they insist on continuing to attend, then you can say that perhaps you are not the right teacher for them and let them go. Make it all about you rather than saying things about them, then they are less likely to get defensive and argue with you.

Good luck, it sounds very awkward. Let us know the outcome..

[ansatz496]

In all the years I have had music lessons (from age 11 through now, age 19, when I have occasional lessons with my teacher from before university) my mother almost invariably stays throughout my lessons when she drives me to them, as do most parents of my teachers' other students. She would almost never interfere during a lesson (she usually does her own work or naps), and I can see why interference is problematic for a teacher, but we both would find it very strange and off-putting if the teacher insisted that she leave... (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/ph34r.gif)

[maggiemay]

Some parents of my younger pupils stay for the lesson, and I am quite happy for parents to stay if they wish.

Nevertheless I find it very strange that parents of teenagers would stay.

[sbhoa]

Some parents of my younger pupils stay for the lesson, and I am quite happy for parents to stay if they wish.

Nevertheless I find it very strange that parents of teenagers would stay.

I have a 13 year old student whose granddad stays but if it's mostly that going home and coming back to pick him up would not be practical.

[ansatz496]

Some parents of my younger pupils stay for the lesson, and I am quite happy for parents to stay if they wish.

Nevertheless I find it very strange that parents of teenagers would stay.

What's strange about it? Lesson times are usually at most an hour, which often makes it inefficient for a parent who is transporting said teenager to go anywhere else in the interim. The comparison to parents staying at school with a child is ludicrous for this reason, since a school day is several hours longer. Of course, depending on where you live most teenagers may be able to transport themselves, but this often doesn't apply in a suburban area, and where I live the minimum age at which teenagers can drive unsupervised is 17, so most teenage students would still have to be transported by parents. And even besides the issue of practicality, what's wrong with a parent wanting to watch a teenager's lesson (I do mean watch, not interfere with) if they so desire? I think I'm going to have to put this down to cultural differences because I find this attitude completely bizarre...

[maggiemay]

My teenage students often travel by public transport. I have a feeling the very last thing they would want is a parent sitting in. Suburban here too.

Likewise!

[ansatz496]

My teenage students often travel by public transport. I have a feeling the very last thing they would want is a parent sitting in. Suburban here too.

Likewise!

Not all suburbs are equal - where I grew up there are quite literally no viable options for public transportation, so unless something is within biking or walking distance driving is the only option, and as I explained before in most cases it needs to be a parent who is doing or supervising the driving. I suppose this is something I'm going to have to be wary of in choosing teachers if I ever become a parent of musical children... I don't want to be sent off driving in circles or be perceived as an overbearing mother for being interested in my children's musical education. I guess you live and learn (IMG:style_emoticons/default/blink.gif)

[Seer_Green]

To be fair, I didn't intend this to be a discussion about whether or not parents should remain in the lesson. I already have a policy on that, and at the end of the day, if they don't like it, they can go elsewhere. I think in this particular instance I made an exception as the parent asked to stay for the first few. I think I will see what happens next week, but if they still look like they're set in for the remainder I shall have to just say something.

[Scooby Doo]

Staying and sitting quietly, not interfering or commenting is one thing, but chipping in and interrupting the lesson is quite another, and that seems to be what is happening in this case.

Like it or not, the dynamic of a lesson does change quite significantly depending on whether a parent is present or not, and that an be a positive or negative thing, depending entirely on the particular personalities involved!

Even sitting in compete silence, there are some people who can make you feel very uncomfortable! Some teaching rooms are also too small to comfortably accommodate extra bodies in the space. A lot of people don't like being watched while they are trying to concentrate on a difficult task, and I can quite see how this would apply to teaching. Nothing bizarre about wanting a one to one lesson to be just that, without the feeling of being observed.

[ansatz496]

Staying and sitting quietly, not interfering or commenting is one thing, but chipping in and interrupting the lesson is quite another, and that seems to be what is happening in this case.

Like it or not, the dynamic of a lesson does change quite significantly depending on whether a parent is present or not, and that an be a positive or negative thing, depending entirely on the particular personalities involved!

Even sitting in compete silence, there are some people who can make you feel very uncomfortable! Some teaching rooms are also too small to comfortably accommodate extra bodies in the space. A lot of people don't like being watched while they are trying to concentrate on a difficult task, and I can quite see how this would apply to teaching. Nothing bizarre about wanting a one to one lesson to be just that, without the feeling of being observed.

What you say is sensible. I do agree that there are circumstances in which a parent sitting in may have a negative effect on the lesson (whether because it makes the teacher/student feel uncomfortable, the room is too small, etc.), and of course in those circumstances it makes sense for a teacher to ask the parent not to sit in. What I strongly take issue with is the idea that a parent sitting in on an older child's lesson is somehow wrong even if it doesn't have a negative impact on the lesson otherwise, as maggiemay suggested. But it is true that this is off-topic, so I'll leave now and just be sure to stick with teachers who don't have this attitude in the future, which should be easy enough since I've never encountered it outside this board. Anyone who so wishes can feel free to believe that I and virtually everyone I know who has taken music lessons in a(n American) suburb has been helicopter-parented (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

[Susie]

This is slightly unusual behaviour for a parent of a teenager. I wonder whether there is some particular background that you are not aware of, or a particular reason for the adult to remain?

I think it is important, particularly for someone as old as a teenager, for the pupil to take responsibility for their own learning. It is a safe way in which one can learn useful life skills as well as learning music.

I would ring the mother and enquire whether she would mind sitting outside in the car, or in your hall if you have one. In that way, you and the pupil can establish a working relationship where you get a genuine response from the pupil (who is not worried about what mother thinks of their response) and you can see what the pupil is taking in from the lesson. At the end of the day, if the pupil doesn't understand a point, they can tell you next week if something's not clear, or you'll see that for yourself. It's not the end of the world.

It can be very hard, as a parent, not to interfere with a teacher talking to your own child if you can see what the child should be doing, or if the child offers an inaccurate explanation for something.

[dolce@piano]

I wouldn't have the parent of a 15 year-old sit in. End of. . . .

I think that a 15 year-old person is pretty grown up and that the dynamics of children/teenagers when their parents are about and when they are not is completely different. I think the one-to-one relationship is very special and productive and that a parent's constant presence should only be for exceptional circumstances.

I quite understand that the parent needs to stay if they have transported the child but in that case I would provide a separate room (or mine stay in the car - no one's ever complained, no one's ever asked otherwise).

I think you simply have to tell the parent that now that you and said teenager have got to know each other it is time for the lessons to resume on the normal basis, i.e. on a one-to-one basis. I would promise to keep the parent up-to-date and informed. And to see how things are working out in a month's time.

I understand that other people may not see things the same way but the bottom line in this situation is that the mother is present and that you do not feel that this is having a positive effect, in fact quite the reverse.

PS have just read Susie's post and I quite agree . ..

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