Music Practice and Mental Health, Anxiety/Depression Options

[artstar]

Hi folks,

I just wondered if anybody else suffers from an anxiety disorder or some sort of depression and if so, how do you deal with this when it comes to practicing your instrument?

It might not be the same for everyone, but a common symptom here is a short attention span. I have a lot of work to do for my upcoming piano exam, but after all the teaching and lesson preparation, I can barely sit at the piano for 10 minutes.

A recent performing disaster has knocked my confidence drastically and my medication makes me extremely tired. I find it hard to keep focussed and forget about all of my other worries.

I thought I would ask, as I'm really struggling to find any motivation or energy to do my practice so thought maybe others could shed a bit of light my way.

Many thanks xxx

[anacrusis]

In the months leading up to LTCL, I was becoming increasingly depressed after a series of severely stressful phases at home: I didn't dare start medication in the immediate run- up because I didn't want to become even more anxious, as can happen with some meds in the early stages of treatment: it was a difficult balance to reach - try to get treatment under way with the chance of performing a little better by the time of the exam, but having got less done immediately before, or defer treatment and perform whilst moderately severely depressed. I swallowed the first antidepressant pretty much on emerging from the exam, and yes, did manage to pass it, but with markedly different results for technique (a good mark) and musical expression (scraped pass and no more). The examiner was also rather lukewarm on my expressivity, so I comfort myself now with the thought that without depression, I could perhaps come across as more musical than I did then (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wink.gif).

So, how to practise when depressed? I was glad not to be memorising anything, because as you say, it's much harder to do so when struggling mentally. I did lots of short bursts of practice, which worked very well for learning the difficult passages but didn't help me so much when playing long solo works, especially the ones using avant garde techniques which tend to sound uncomfortable and edgy even when played well. I practised in the best parts of the day, not when tired, and stopped when I could tell I wasn't concentrating - I'd also do several bursts in the one day which, because I wasn't setting out to do an hour, or two hours, in a stretch, felt much more possible to tackle. And when going into that exam, the depression did at least flatten my responses a bit, so I was rather thinking, "what the heck, if I fail, there's a reason anyway" - not perhaps the most positive way to go about things, but at least not actively assuming I would fail. It did help that I was playing with accompaniment, and that my accompanist was a dear friend, as was his page turner, and that they got to stay in with me for the whole thing: even with having muted emotional responses, their presence was a huge help.

Oh, and I got better from the depression: took a while, as it does, but things are much better now (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif).

[artstar]

Wow, thank you so much. I find smaller bursts of practice sessions are best, but when I'm busy I put it off for "more important" jobs. I'm glad you have recovered, this has given me some hope (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[violincjj]

A close family member has found that Bach inventions (which were already known) made him feel significantly more able to cope with the world when he was very troubled by mental ill health. He couldn't cope with new material at all.

I think that exam pressure for you might be really unhelpful...use the music to help if the test does not?

[anacrusis]

Wow, thank you so much. I find smaller bursts of practice sessions are best, but when I'm busy I put it off for "more important" jobs. I'm glad you have recovered, this has given me some hope (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

There is also often that feeling of overload, isn't there -where it feels like there are a hundred important jobs, and which to do first....? In that situation, I'd let the lot go hang, on the basis that I wasn't going to do any of them that well, and use my music as the ideal procrastination tool, especially as I was promising myself only ten minutes at a stretch, at the worst times. I also did do non-exam stuff in those times when practice was being frustratingly unrewarding, just to remind myself that music can be a pleasure in its own right. violincjj is right, new material can be difficult to take on: thankfully the music I loved most, the baroque material, was in such a familiar genre that I was okay learning it, and the modern tripe, erm, material, was sufficiently edgy and cacophanous that the examiner won't always have known where the mistakes were (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif).

The issue of dented confidence is also troublesome, I know, but again, when the rest of life is so bleh, you can find yourself shedding that "I must do my best, I must, I will let myself down if I don't....." vicious circle of thought, in return for, "well, what's going to be, will be, and is it really such a big deal?" . The week before my grade 8 exam, I diagnosed my son's diabetes, and that was the first time I'd had that experience of having performance anxiety put into proportion by something bigger and more important: three years later, when facing the licentiate exam, that sense of proportion had thankfully stayed with me, even though so much else was bleak then.

Depression is a condition most get better from - not always forever, and sometimes recovery is frustratingly slow, but the treatments do work. I probably see about four or five depressives in every surgery I do, sometimes more, only occasionally fewer, and I've seen amazing transformations in some, slower, steadier recoveries in most, and only a few whose condition has proved less straightforward to manage: most of those will have other compounding factors in the mix (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif).

[Tixylix]

I have bipolar disorder and both the illness and the medication have an effect. Some days I feel like I am dragging myself with all my energy towards the piano and then not getting anything 'productive' done so it feels like there's no point. I write down how much practice I do each day and it looks like someone throwing darts blindfolded, anywhere from 10 minutes to 3 hours and often in runs, like 12 hours one week and 2 the next. On an average day I can concentrate for about 45 minutes but it can be a lot less, occasionally more.

When I'm having a bad day I try to find something really easy to play and this can help with the confidence as it makes me feel like I can at least play something even if it isn't whatever the current major project is. Break the exam stuff down into little chunks - for my Grade 8 I did this literally. I photocopied each piece and cut out the bars I was struggling with which I glued onto flashcards, shuffled them up and picked out a couple from my stack each day. It was a lot less intimidating than looking at pages and pages of music sitting in front of me and I got a lot more useful practice done. I've cut new pieces (again photocopied) into strips and put one line at a time on the piano and then built it up, or put a sheet of blank paper over the rest of the page so I can only see the bit I'm working on.

I generally find when I'm practising that it blocks everything else out from my mind, though putting those things aside long enough to actually start can be hard work. 10 minute chunks are better than nothing, part of the problem with depression is black-and-white thinking so it can feel like there's no point in doing something small and doing something big is too overwhelming. I agree with anacrusis that you should find when in the day you have most energy and not try to push yourself to practise when you're tired or losing concentration. I nearly pulled out when I found out my G8 exam was at 9.30am and it took me 5 days before the exam to artifically alter my sleep and meds schedule so I could get there and be in a fit state to play on time, and it completely drained me for about another week. I was over the moon when I passed and didn't care about not getting a merit or distinction because I knew how much effort I'd put in to pull it off.

Depression is treatable, although it definitely doesn't feel like it at the time, and for some people it needs to be managed long-term but it can be done. The side-effects of the medication, particularly tiredness get on my nerves too but if you need them it's because the benefits outweigh the costs - and heaven help anyone who suggests I would somehow miraculously get better if I stopped taking them. (*cough*Mum*uncough* (IMG:style_emoticons/default/glare.gif))

[Misterioso]

Hi artstar,

I really feel for you as I suffer from cyclical depression for around 4 months every year. The first time I had it, I was planning to take a piano exam, but pulled out just before the deadline for entry as I couldn't cope with it, and most instrumental practice completely ceased for a while.

I would endorse what others say about practising in short bursts: promise yourself that you will do even just 5 minutes, and the chances are once you have begun that you will do more than that. Try to have an aim when you sit down to practise: to just work on 4 bars from a piece that you find tricky (as Tixlix suggests) or some other small aim. When you achieve that, it might actually make you feel more motivated.

I'm so sorry to hear about your recent performing disaster; that kind of thing can be very hard to deal with, but remember that was just one incident, and try to concentrate on other times when you've played / performed well.

I would also endorse what anacrusis says about getting better. It really does happen; but in the meantime, please be kind to yourself! You can only do what you can do, and work for your piano exam does need to be tempered by other things that you enjoy doing.

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/thereThere.gif)

[anacrusis]

Depression is treatable, although it definitely doesn't feel like it at the time, and for some people it needs to be managed long-term but it can be done. The side-effects of the medication, particularly tiredness get on my nerves too but if you need them it's because the benefits outweigh the costs - and heaven help anyone who suggests I would somehow miraculously get better if I stopped taking them. (*cough*Mum*uncough* (IMG:style_emoticons/default/glare.gif))

That's the other thing: mental illness and the social stigma, both of the illness itself and of the medication: having made that first huge step of being able to acknowledge the illness to yourself, you're already well placed for recovery. The medication tends to be subject to so much hype and ignorant conclusion-jumping: it does work, it's not a crutch.

Oh - final thought, I came across this quotation some time back: depression is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of having had to be too strong for too long.

[limh]

So much good sense in one thread. Depression seems to me very personal, surprisingly common, and utterly horrible (that was how I felt about it a few years back anyway). But it is "just" an illness, not a reflection on your personality or value as a human, and in some ways it's not desperately different to appendicitis or a broken leg: it doesn't last for ever (honestly!), but both it and the treatment do make it impossible to live and work at the normal flat-out rate while they're going on. You are so sensible to accept that the medication is affecting you. We have to work with what we have, and if 10 minutes practice is all that works, I think you're doing pretty wonderfully to identify that fact, and go with it. I just thought I should carry on as normal, and got myself more and more messed up.

Another thing I realise now: many of us work in fairly pressurised environments where achievement matters, and tend to let that demand escape into the rest of our lives. I don't know whether you're a professional musician or whether it's "just" a strong passion or interest? Good luck with your exam, but if you decide at the last minute you're not feeling up to it, or if you don't do as well as you'd like, please don't feel you're letting anyone down, and please keep playing. I'm sure you will - you sound too level-headed. Easy to say, hard to do. I still struggle to get the balance right between desire to aim high and achieve, versus the need to accept myself at the level I am, and realise that not being the best all the time doesn't actually matter. I shouldn't write this on an abrsm site, but exams really are very much a double-edged sword: a hurdle can encourage me to leap to new heights, but when I hit a hurdle at a bad time in life, it can just encourage me to stop in my tracks and stay on the wrong side of it (but that's a very personal view of mine and not one that necessarily fits anyone else on this site!). Good luck, anyway, anyone reading this thread and dealing with depression and difficulties in life.

[pianophrase]

Hi artstar,

Having cared for someone with this condition and gone through 3 periods of extreme crisis with them, I realize how it takes over evey waking moment of your life.

Hope you have people in your life who love and care for you and can just be there when you need them.

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/grouphug.gif)

[katemorrisviolin]

Thankyou OP for starting this thread. I suffered horrendous anxiety disorder a few years ago which had built up slowly over several years, probably rooted originally in undiagnosed mild postnatal depression, and eventually ended up on medication, having to leave my job and unable to talk to my loved ones or face any social situation, I completely isolated myself. My music practice became obsessive and another way of avoiding social interaction, an excuse to shut myself away and avoid facing real life. I'm well now, having learnt over the years how to manage myself if it creeps back in, but always practice with a clock in full view, and force myself to stop after an hour if others are in the house. I don't know whether music practice helped or hindered my recovery. It less unhealthy than drink or drugs anyway.
artstar I have no answer to your problem, but suggest you try enjoying some listening/music appreciation if you can't face practicing. Exhaustion is a symptom of depression, and anxiety is absolutely exhausting too.

[corenfa]

I think that music has saved me from becoming depressed - the last couple of years were horrendous at work (I'm "just" an office worker, not in a real high-stress job like doctor or teacher, but the politics were awful) and being able to come home and play the piano really kept me from going under. There were both good and bad sides to this - it was great to be able to whack the heck out of Pictures At An Exhibition for stress relief, but it wasn't so great that I channeled my anger into saying "I will learn the Debussy Toccata if it kills me". I gave myself tendinitis with the latter which has only recently subsided.

I did have to be conscious of not practising when I wasn't in the mood, rather just playing music. I was prone to frustrating myself if I tried to practise when already stressed about other things, however I am lucky that music is just a pastime. I do not take exams and my living does not depend upon it.

I don't know why playing music helped - I didn't want to talk to anyone about the work nonsense but I did spend hours just playing the piano to myself and expressing what I could. It wasn't even always pounding the keyboard (quite physical) or playing sad stuff, just playing *anything* at all seemed to help, emotionally.

All the best to the OP and others dealing with this. I know it takes a while to recover.

[artstar]

Thank you so much, everyone for all of your well-thought out responses, that alone has calmed me down and cleared my mind a bit.

I think that exam pressure for you might be really unhelpful...use the music to help if the test does not?

This could be the case, although I like having the deadline to learn something as I would put it off even more. I managed to get some practice in yesterday in a much better environment and I just belted it out and soaked it up, not thinking about the exam.

"There is also often that feeling of overload, isn't there -where it feels like there are a hundred important jobs, and which to do first....? In that situation, I'd let the lot go hang, on the basis that I wasn't going to do any of them that well, and use my music as the ideal procrastination tool,

The issue of dented confidence is also troublesome, I know, but again, when the rest of life is so bleh, you can find yourself shedding that "I must do my best, I must, I will let myself down if I don't....." vicious circle of thought, in return for, "well, what's going to be, will be, and is it really such a big deal?" .

Depression is a condition most get better from - not always forever, and sometimes recovery is frustratingly slow, but the treatments do work.

I might try that, lately I've learned that I can't always get everything done in a day that I want to, so I shouldn't let it bother me, and just go at my own pace. I've always been "over-sensitive" and wished I was more like my brother who could let anything wash off his back. I read recently that this is part of my condition, when I find something upsetting, it's really upsetting, if something is funny, it's really funny. This made so much sense! I feel like I'm recovering (25 years - slowly) and I'm so glad I have acknowledged it and seeked help, that alone seems to have halved my problem.

I have bipolar disorder and both the illness and the medication have an effect. Some days I feel like I am dragging myself with all my energy towards the piano and then not getting anything 'productive' done so it feels like there's no point.

When I'm having a bad day I try to find something really easy to play and this can help with the confidence as it makes me feel like I can at least play something even if it isn't whatever the current major project is. Break the exam stuff down into little chunks - for my Grade 8 I did this literally. I photocopied each piece and cut out the bars I was struggling with which I glued onto flashcards, shuffled them up and picked out a couple from my stack each day. It was a lot less intimidating than looking at pages and pages of music sitting in front of me and I got a lot more useful practice done. I've cut new pieces (again photocopied) into strips and put one line at a time on the piano and then built it up, or put a sheet of blank paper over the rest of the page so I can only see the bit I'm working on.

I generally find when I'm practising that it blocks everything else out from my mind, though putting those things aside long enough to actually start can be hard work. 10 minute chunks are better than nothing, part of the problem with depression is black-and-white thinking so it can feel like there's no point in doing something small and doing something big is too overwhelming. I agree with anacrusis that you should find when in the day you have most energy and not try to push yourself to practise when you're tired or losing concentration. I nearly pulled out when I found out my G8 exam was at 9.30am and it took me 5 days before the exam to artifically alter my sleep and meds schedule so I could get there and be in a fit state to play on time, and it completely drained me for about another week. I was over the moon when I passed and didn't care about not getting a merit or distinction because I knew how much effort I'd put in to pull it off.

Depression is treatable, although it definitely doesn't feel like it at the time, and for some people it needs to be managed long-term but it can be done. The side-effects of the medication, particularly tiredness get on my nerves too but if you need them it's because the benefits outweigh the costs - and heaven help anyone who suggests I would somehow miraculously get better if I stopped taking them. (*cough*Mum*uncough* (IMG:style_emoticons/default/glare.gif))

This sounds EXACTLY like me!! What a great idea about the flashcards and covering up the rest of the music, I must try this.

Hi artstar,

I really feel for you as I suffer from cyclical depression for around 4 months every year.

I would endorse what others say about practising in short bursts: promise yourself that you will do even just 5 minutes, and the chances are once you have begun that you will do more than that. Try to have an aim when you sit down to practise: to just work on 4 bars from a piece that you find tricky (as Tixlix suggests) or some other small aim. When you achieve that, it might actually make you feel more motivated.

I'm so sorry to hear about your recent performing disaster; that kind of thing can be very hard to deal with, but remember that was just one incident, and try to concentrate on other times when you've played / performed well.

I would also endorse what anacrusis says about getting better. It really does happen; but in the meantime, please be kind to yourself! You can only do what you can do, and work for your piano exam does need to be tempered by other things that you enjoy doing.

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/thereThere.gif)

Thank you so much, I think I aim too high and think that I'll do an hour, but I get so tired I won't do any more that day. I have performed well other times, so I need to remember this.

That's the other thing: mental illness and the social stigma, both of the illness itself and of the medication: having made that first huge step of being able to acknowledge the illness to yourself, you're already well placed for recovery. The medication tends to be subject to so much hype and ignorant conclusion-jumping: it does work, it's not a crutch.

Oh - final thought, I came across this quotation some time back: depression is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of having had to be too strong for too long.

I am so glad I finally decided to do something about it, I was so sick of randomly crying or panicking for no reason, now I am on the road to recovery, and apart from the odd relapse, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. (Shall I use a few more metaphors there?? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif))

So much good sense in one thread. Depression seems to me very personal, surprisingly common, and utterly horrible (that was how I felt about it a few years back anyway). But it is "just" an illness, not a reflection on your personality or value as a human, and in some ways it's not desperately different to appendicitis or a broken leg: it doesn't last for ever (honestly!), but both it and the treatment do make it impossible to live and work at the normal flat-out rate while they're going on. You are so sensible to accept that the medication is affecting you. We have to work with what we have, and if 10 minutes practice is all that works, I think you're doing pretty wonderfully to identify that fact, and go with it. I just thought I should carry on as normal, and got myself more and more messed up.

Another thing I realise now: many of us work in fairly pressurised environments where achievement matters, and tend to let that demand escape into the rest of our lives. I don't know whether you're a professional musician or whether it's "just" a strong passion or interest? Good luck with your exam, but if you decide at the last minute you're not feeling up to it, or if you don't do as well as you'd like, please don't feel you're letting anyone down, and please keep playing. I'm sure you will - you sound too level-headed. Easy to say, hard to do. I still struggle to get the balance right between desire to aim high and achieve, versus the need to accept myself at the level I am, and realise that not being the best all the time doesn't actually matter. I shouldn't write this on an abrsm site, but exams really are very much a double-edged sword: a hurdle can encourage me to leap to new heights, but when I hit a hurdle at a bad time in life, it can just encourage me to stop in my tracks and stay on the wrong side of it (but that's a very personal view of mine and not one that necessarily fits anyone else on this site!). Good luck, anyway, anyone reading this thread and dealing with depression and difficulties in life.

This response nearly made me cry! I am only approaching grade 8, but teach beginners, I feel I really need these next few qualifications to progress as a teacher as well as for myself as a pianist. So I think I'm putting pressure on myself, thinking I need to get through it as soon as possible.
I used to wonder why people got so worked up about music exams, no one is forcing them to do it. It is overwhelming though, all that work over a year or two is boiled down to about 20 minutes! I think I shall read this thread over and over again until it is engraved on my brain.

Hi artstar,

Having cared for someone with this condition and gone through 3 periods of extreme crisis with them, I realize how it takes over evey waking moment of your life.

Hope you have people in your life who love and care for you and can just be there when you need them.

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/grouphug.gif)

Thank you, it's nice to have an outside view that isn't "just snap out of it" (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) My family are the best, that's for sure!

Thankyou OP for starting this thread. I suffered horrendous anxiety disorder a few years ago which had built up slowly over several years, probably rooted originally in undiagnosed mild postnatal depression, and eventually ended up on medication, having to leave my job and unable to talk to my loved ones or face any social situation, I completely isolated myself. My music practice became obsessive and another way of avoiding social interaction, an excuse to shut myself away and avoid facing real life. I'm well now, having learnt over the years how to manage myself if it creeps back in, but always practice with a clock in full view, and force myself to stop after an hour if others are in the house. I don't know whether music practice helped or hindered my recovery. It less unhealthy than drink or drugs anyway.
artstar I have no answer to your problem, but suggest you try enjoying some listening/music appreciation if you can't face practicing. Exhaustion is a symptom of depression, and anxiety is absolutely exhausting too.

This is definitely true, nervous exhaustion is the cause of it all, but then I feel lazy for having to sleep so much! I've now learned you have to rest, or it just gets worse. So ###### to what anyone else thinks, I know I'm not lazy. (Plus it then makes me do all the housework till 11 o'clock at night?!)

I think that music has saved me from becoming depressed -

I did have to be conscious of not practising when I wasn't in the mood, rather just playing music. I was prone to frustrating myself if I tried to practise when already stressed about other things, however I am lucky that music is just a pastime. I do not take exams and my living does not depend upon it.

I don't know why playing music helped - I didn't want to talk to anyone about the work nonsense but I did spend hours just playing the piano to myself and expressing what I could. It wasn't even always pounding the keyboard (quite physical) or playing sad stuff, just playing *anything* at all seemed to help, emotionally.

All the best to the OP and others dealing with this. I know it takes a while to recover.

I used to be like this when I was little, I would wake up about 6am and play my keyboard then after school, play into the evening. Now I look at my piano and think, 'Eurgh what shall I start with?!' I decided to look back at my grade 6 pieces as I did really well in this exam, and I think I might need to accept this is just my comfortable level of playing and that's that.


Thank you again to everyone who has posted. It just shows how common this is and I'm so glad I spoke up now.

Much love,

Rachel xxx

[corenfa]

...

I think that music has saved me from becoming depressed -

I did have to be conscious of not practising when I wasn't in the mood, rather just playing music. I was prone to frustrating myself if I tried to practise when already stressed about other things, however I am lucky that music is just a pastime. I do not take exams and my living does not depend upon it.

I don't know why playing music helped - I didn't want to talk to anyone about the work nonsense but I did spend hours just playing the piano to myself and expressing what I could. It wasn't even always pounding the keyboard (quite physical) or playing sad stuff, just playing *anything* at all seemed to help, emotionally.

All the best to the OP and others dealing with this. I know it takes a while to recover.

I used to be like this when I was little, I would wake up about 6am and play my keyboard then after school, play into the evening. Now I look at my piano and think, 'Eurgh what shall I start with?!' I decided to look back at my grade 6 pieces as I did really well in this exam, and I think I might need to accept this is just my comfortable level of playing and that's that.

...

I found myself having a few "Eurgh what shall I start with" moments - I realised that at that point, I'd forgotten that it could be fun, and that I did think it was fun at some point. But I guess I'm not doing it for a living, which may make all the difference. I don't know how hard it would be for you to try and recapture the fun aspect of it while doing it as your day job? Maybe worth a thought.. It doesn't help that I can tend to be a perfectionist, so I feel that if I am not learning something when I am playing the piano, it's a useless session.

Us musicians (and I include myself in that even though I don't do it for a living because I simply cannot imagine living without playing music) can be so very good at thinking we're less good than [insert name here].

All the best in your journey.

[limh]

Artstar, thanks for being brave enough to speak up...