I think I've lost all faith in my piano playing ability now. A few hours ago I performed the piano at my school Christmas concert. I was going to play one of my Grade 7 pieces, the Esquisse - it was my favourite out of the three and it was one that I always felt most confident in. I got 27/30 for it in my exam, the rehearsal during the day went perfectly...

But I completely, utterly, messed it up on the night. In front of about 200 people, including friends, parents, teachers and music teachers. I started off fine, a little nervous - then suddenly I lost my place on the keyboard, I hit the wrong note, I lost my place on the page, my heart was pumping out of control, my mind was in blind panic... I played another wrong jarring chord, and there was no prospect of continuing. I stopped. Then I looked at the audience, and mumbled "I'm sorry, I have to start again", and started again. I managed to finish it this time, although I know I played about three wrong notes and there was a huge hesitant bit before a note so people probably thought I made a mistake again. I just wanted it over and done with, so there was absolutely zero in terms of dynamics, expression etc, which was meant to be the selling point of the piece. I could almost sense what the audience must have been feeling - "Gosh, this girl is rubbish" "Would she ever manage to finish?" "This is painfully embarrassing to watch" "Look, she made another mistake" etc etc. They probably all sighed in relief when I managed to finish. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. I felt marginally better when the deputy head (who was commentating) turned it into a joke and the audience laughed, but I still felt about a millimetre tall. I felt like laughing because it was so awful. I couldn't bear to look at the faces of my music teachers & friends; they all looked surprised & disappointed.

Now, I know that once I get over the initial humiliation, people will forget about it in the short term. But I feel like someone's just taken a great chunk out of my confidence. I'm terrified that the next time I sit down to perform at a piano, the memory of this awful performance would come back and throw me off, so that I would develop some kind of phobia against performing for ever. I feel as though I can't call myself a competent pianist anymore, because I wasn't even able to keep on playing despite the mistakes like any professional would do, but abruptly stopped and started again like a complete amateur. I don't think anyone will ask me to play again, wary that I might make a huge blunder like this, so that this nightmare would be the last time I perform publically.

And I feel so guilty. Guilty that if I had practiced more I could have played it better, and not messed up the concert for my teachers. My mum was sympathetic when I talked to her, but she was also sharp and told me that I really should have practiced more. I felt a little bitter about that, but it was the truth and it hurt. I had been under so much pressure from schoolwork, other problems and preoccupations these last few weeks, that I don't think I practiced nearly as well as I could've done. Perhaps I was too cocky, arrogant, complacent; because I managed to do well on previous concerts I will be able to do this one well too without the practice.

To cap it all, I have to perform again on Monday for the annual Old People's Christmas Party. I guess I feel more confident with the pieces I'm playing then, but I am absolutely dreading it. I don't think I can ever play in public anymore.

I'm sorry to hear that you had a dud start to your performance. It must be very disappointing.

But you managed to re-start and complete the performance, and that's good. Not only that, but you've discovered a secret all performers know and never let on - that public performances always have mistakes in them. What takes practice is to get used to the fact that things will go wrong and to keep going through that.

And a re-start is sometimes the best the best thing to do - I've re-started in a performance and still got applause at the end of it.

Don't beat yourself up about it any more. You've learned a valuable lesson about coping under pressure, and no performance will ever feel this bad again. And whether more practice would have helped, no-one can ever tell what "would" have happened.

I can empathise. Was doing a duet once with another flute, missed out a quaver beat, and confused the other flute. She stopped and I played about half the piece on my own. I had the exact same feelings - guilt, disappointment, feeling like a failure.

It is painful - I remember texting my flute teacher about I was sorry that I was a failure...

But you know how you can play, unfortunately not all performances go to plan *another performance springs into her head where she panicked in a fast piece and it went awfully*, but you got 27/30 in that piece which shows you can play it.

*hugs*

PM me if you want to talk.

Brave of you to share this. Reading it you sound like someone who has thought about what happened and you have tried to work out why; I admire your honesty. You said <...had been under so much pressure from schoolwork, other problems and preoccupations these last few weeks> there is your answer. You CAN play the piano.

I remember, when I was a student, a famous cellist had to start a piece again which he had been playing from memory; he opened the music and restarted being quite honest about the reasons.
Things do go wrong. I was playing some Messiaen in a recital (my organ teacher was turning) and I got hopelessly lost. I was playing to an audience of organists!!!
Take it from me, instead of removing a chunk of your confidence this will have made you a better and wiser performer. You are young, you will bounce back. If your friends really are your friends, get a few round and play it to them again explaining your reasons - just a thought.

I'm really sorry to hear what's happened, PurePianist. You've had a really demoralising experience, it's no wonder you feel dreadful about it. Hopefully writing it all down and getting it out of your system has helped. And if you read what you've written, carefully, you'll realise that in spite of how you feel right now, there's no reason why you shouldn't perform successfully next time...

You've been brave enough to admit the truth - and that takes some doing. So you know what it's going to take to get through a concert successfully next time. It's been a very hard lesson, but that means you're all the more likely to learn it. Some people would never have admitted the truth, and would never have learnt the lesson, so would never progress. You've actually done really well to work out why things went wrong - and you know how to put them right.

Incidentally I was talking today to a very experienced mature teacher, who said she still finds it worse performing to people she knows than strangers. Maybe you're the same, so provided you've practised as much as you know you need to do, you may find that you feel completely differently about the Old People's Christmas Party. Try to remember that you are there in order for the music to give them pleasure. Concentrate on making sure that they enjoy themselves and try not to think about yourself - of course it's easier said than done, but try and put yourself in their shoes and just help them to enjoy it.

I'm sure you'll get a lot more advice, from people who are a lot more qualified to give it than I am. Take all the advice you can, you can't alter what's happened so try and get over it, practise more, and work on getting your confidence back. I really hope it goes well on Monday - do let us know

I'm sure something like this has happened to everyone! It's definately happened to me.

You'll find that the audience did appreciate your performance, and most of them would not be thinking about the piece critically in terms of dynamics etc... the way you do yourself. In reality they probably heard a very difficult piece of music which they wouldn't be able to play themselves, and though no less of you for the "false start"

I got all my pages mixed up one year accompanying singers in the retirement home. After 4, the choir started into "O Come, All Ye Faithful" while I enthusiastically belted out "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" on the piano....

The old ladies pretended not to notice as I frantically threw sheet music about looking for the right piece. They all smiled at me on the way out as if they thought perhaps I was a bit simple

I also took an attack of the nerves at a festival when I was 10. I felt bad as my uncle had brought his new girlfriend along to see how talented his neice was... When we got home I insisted I play them again for everyone to redeem myself!

You feel bad now but performing again right away is probably the best thing you can do! As Nicki pointed out, you didn't get 127 in your exam for nothing.

xxx

I've done that too.
I was asked to play at a church event by the lady who was our choir director and had been my piano teacher for a while.
I totally lost it and couldn't even finish one piece.
She suggested I try something else (I was planning to play 2 or 3 items) and later on in the programme I was given the chance to have another go at the first one and did manage to get to the end.

It is really hard to take at the time and does rock your confidence but you can get up and rebuild it.

You made some mistakes in this one performance and you have looked at the situation objectively and worked out why it happened. There's no need for you to worry tha tthis situation will be repeated in your next concert. Try not to think about it again and concentrate on being better prepared the next time.

The old people will enjoy your playing and for them whatever you play will be a treat. Relax and enjoy yourself at the next concert.

I'm sure it didn't come accross as bad as you thought, and everyon makes mistakes in performances...I know I certainly have, and it's awful at the time...but i guess the onl way to deal with it is to learn from it, and go out there and prove to yourself you can do it as soon as!!

It's like falling of a horse, you have to get back on straight away!

Please don't let it knock your confidence too much...remember everyone has been there or will be there, and judging by the mark from your exam you are a very talented musician, so get up there and go for it! You'll be sooo proud of yourself when it goes right!

xx

I do so agree with these comments - don't beat yourself up anymore. We've all had similar experiences on our musical journey. You learn from them and then move on.

If it's any comfort to you, I was once playing in an orchestra with a highly-respected oboist (he was playing 1st oboe and I 2nd). It was a professional gig - so you'd expect pro standards. We were playing one of the Bach Oratorios and just heading into one of the big oboe duets. Come the first two bars he didn't come in! Who knows why, he didn't seem to - probably lost concentration. So our duet became a "solo" of just me!

It happens - analyse what you did wrong, pat yourself on the back that you got going again and finished the piece, maybe work a bit harder next time but rest assured loads of people will probably hardly have noticed and will have enjoyed your playing. There's no humiliation for you at all - you made a mistake, picked yourself up. You are to be congratulated on that very warmly - it takes courage to do so.

Go play to the old ladies - they'll love it. Relax and enjoy - you can clearly play well, so just show them that. No pressure on that one.... Best of luck.

Oboist

Sorry to hear about your experience - but don't worry, it happens to us all and that is part of being a musician!

Recently, at one of my choir concerts, I also got one of my pieces in the wrong order and started to play the introduction of the piece after that instead. The conductor stopped me after a few bars, I realised my mistake, raised my right index finger and exclaimed 'Ah yes!' - everyone in the audience laughed and that lightened the atmosphere, and the choir was more relaxed after that too!

We have all done it at some time. Don't worry too much about it. Mistakes happen in concerts, even professional ones. We get so used to hearing perfect performances on cd's etc but they have usually been edited by the studio technicians. It is a bit like looking at pictures in magazines of air-brushed models. It is not how they look in real life. Tomorrow people will remember only that you played, not what went wrong. Give yourself credit for having done it.

Why do I keep clicking that Reply Button before I've actually typed my reply. There you see, I've done it several times on the forums and it's quite embarrassing!!! Yes, it is embarrassing mucking up a piece in front of a large audience, but please please don't let it spoil future performances. It can happen to anyone, and has happened to me twice. When I was about 13 I was playing Fur Elise my 'party piece' which I knew backwards. I'd forgotten to take my music to the concert, but decided that due to how well I knew it, it wasn't a problem - little did I know..... It must have been the fact that, although I probably never really read the music due to me knowing it so well, the fact that it wasn't there as a back-up caused me to totally freak out in the middle, and after half a reasonable performance, my fingers just hovered above the keys and I realy panicked! I just stopped dead, and you could have heard a pin drop! The fear that ran through me was terrible as I just couldn't continue. This affected me for years (which is why you musn't let it). Years later, after partly regaining my confidence, my young daughter and I were asked to play a duet at a winner's concert (we'd won the Parent/Child Class in a festival). Bear in mind, that I was by then a teacher and again I totally lost it and 3 times kept stopping at the same part. I'm ashamed to say that I openly blamed my daughter (after all, teachers don't mess up ). Anyway, don't get me wrong, I'm not a confident performer, but as I'm older now I think there are far more important things in life to worry about than making a mistake in a performance. Only the other day I was told by an examiner that a lot of professional performers don't even attempt to perform until they've taken a beta-blocker.
Remember, that no-one in the audience would have been laughing at you - they would have just felt sorry for you. Think about all the musicians who won't even dare to perform!
Good luck at your next concert. Remember it's normal to feel nervous after such a shock, but YOU CAN DO IT!!!. Let us know how you did.

That must have been dreadful at the time, but later on, when you become a professional musician(if...) and are playing for an audience of hundreds, you be grateful that this happened. It will be a good experience to learn from. EVERYONE, experiences failure, and as was once famously quoted by (cant remember): ''Success is the ability to go from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm''

If it makes you feel any better, i started playing the wrong piece at our school prizegiving today and i was playing the bass part so everyone could hear! The fan was also on, so halfway through another piece, my music got blown away! But eventually, you learn to deal with such situations. I also had my confidence battered earlier this year after an awful choir incident, and felt that i lacked competence, because if i were good enough, it wouldnt have happened-but this isnt true, everyone makes mistakes. Believe it or not, you WILL get your confidence back. Start by playing to a few friends, then the class, and if they let you, the school. This way, you can show everyone- and most importantly, yourself, what you can really do.

Hope this helps

To reiterate what other people have said....well done for restarting & getting through it. I know how horrible it must have been for you but you have to give yourself credit for playing the piece even though you were a nervous wreck. And, although I know you'll keep thinking about it & agonising over it, believe it or not, none of the people there will have given it another thought.

My own awful experience was playing at the Harvest service at the end of October. The church was packed, I was playing a hymn during the offering & the pianist decided not to return to the prearranged place for the repeat but to go somewhere different. 1 of those samey but different ending to each phrase type of hymn so I played 3 notes & only realised he was somewhere different when there was the most horrible dissonance. Stupidly I thought he, (as the accompanist), would follow me. Like heck did he; after a disastrous attempt by me to try & work out where he was I simply had to give up (should have done that immediately!). I was so nearly in tears about it & still had the rest of the service to get through. I still cringe every time I think about it &, for me, the worst thing was that I'd not done anything wrong - I'd played the right notes in the right place but because of someone else I ended up sounding incompetent . I told myself that although it was awful it wasn't the end of the world, far worse things happen than messing up a piece of music.

Absolutely right - well done!!
You have done really well - we can tell from what you have written. And of course you feel disappointed and despondent. Make sure that passes and what you have done becomes a lesson in performance.
It clearly sounds that you can play and play well. The audience surely were not as critical as YOU are nor as you think they might be. You may have re-started, but you kept it together then.
I am sure you had far more sympathy than condemnation.

Someone else has said that you can analyse and learn from how it was. Move on. Leave it behind and good luck with all else that you do now.

Wow, thank you so much everybody for your supportive and encouraging replies. I felt really down yesterday but after a good night's sleep I don't feel as awful as I did yesterday. And today at school, a lot of teachers & friends told me that they didn't even notice it was going wrong until I stopped, it was really nice the second time round and well done. I think they're only trying to cheer me up, but I'm grateful for that.

I'm also reassured that so many of you fantastic musicians have had similar experiences in the past! I'm trying to think that everyone makes mistakes, and that I must put it behind me. That doesn't mean I won't cringe everytime I think about this , but hopefully I'll be able to redeem myself on Monday (still scared stiff about that though).

So thank you all. I'm really glad that I shared this because I feel so much better!

You'll be FANTASTIC on Monday

Yes - have fun!

xxx

So glad you feel better. Just two things I want to share with you:

On Wednesday I was at the exams with my pupils and was talking about nerves with the examiner, who told me that most of the professional performers out there take beta blockers before performing. Interesting......

Today, I had an informal Christmas Concert with my adult pupils in my home. They all did extremely well as the adults are much more nervous than the children. However, when each pupil had finished their performance they insisted on telling us all where they had gone wrong! Why didn't they tell us the things that had gone right instead? We are so self-critical aren't we? I once had an adult play a beautiful performance of a piece, but in the last section she totally lost it and had to give up. I'm not kidding when I say that the number of people who asked me afterwards what book the music was in. I could have made a mint if I was a sheet music sales person. Therefore, what to the performer was disasterous, to the audience was beautiful!

I reminded my pupils today that the trouble is we're so used to hearing perfect performances that have taken a long time to perfect in the recording studios. Most live performances are not perfect!

Remember this on Monday and allow for a few blemishes and just play through them and most of all ENJOY PERFORMING.

Look forward to hearing how it went!! GO FOR IT!!!!!

My teacher always says that mistakes sound far worse to the performer (because you know how it should sound and you're annoyed with yourself when the mistake occurs). You have a history of successful performances so don't let just one bad experience put you off.

Good luck in your other concert.

If it's a piece that's not that well known anyway, people surely wont notice a few slip ups? If you "allow" yourself to fail, you probably wont anyway

Bravo, PurePianist. You must be amazing to play in front of 200 people. I am one of those pianists who would not consider such a thing and really admire you and the positive reaction you are displaying in relation to your feeling that it did not go all right on the night. I am sure to the majority of the audience, who probably do not know much about music, that it sounded brilliant. I am sure the majority of us have played to non-musical friends who have admired what we have played even though we ourselves know that we could have done better. All the best for your next concert.

I agree with most of what has been said Junko, but I don't think it's true that your friends and teachers were only trying to cheer you up. It really is the case that lots of non-musical people don't notice these things. Which is why it's so much more nerve-wracking playing in front of musicians, and as Andy P-F said, there are much worse things to do in life than mess up a piece of music. If no-one ever got to experience the joys of your playing just because of one mind-blank, what a shame that would be. I love that quote from Alias as well!

I'm really touched by the amount of supportive comments everyone has given me. I told my piano teacher what had happened when I had a lesson yesterday, and she basically said the same sort of stuff to me - she also gave me a few examples of when she had messed up, which again cheered me up. I felt more paranoid than usual yesterday during the lesson (paranoid that I will make a mistake, I mean) but I'm practicing a lot during this weekend and hopefully I will be better prepared on Monday. I'll keep you posted on how it gets on. Thanks again!

GOOD LUCK + ENJOY IT

Am thinking of you.

Thank you, Glass Mountain & Nicki. I've just come back, and it couldn't have went smoother. I felt a bit sick before I began, because it was like dejavu of Thursday - but I managed to pull it off without a glitch (well, there were a few but it wasn't obvious). And I think the old people liked it - I was in a kind of daze after I finished so I couldn't really work out their facial expressions, but a lot of people told me it was good, so I'm pleased. Above all, I'm so happy that I managed to play again and that the experience on Thursday hadn't shattered my confidence & ability as much as I thought.

Thanks for all your support.

Well done.

That's the way to do it! One lesson learned, and you move on from there.

Well done!

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy go you

Just seen this- poor you for the first, well done for the second! I have always had very little confidence with performing despite outward appearances. Well, I did a school concert when I was at 6th form and totally forgot all the words to my song. Literally just didn't sing anything. My teacher and the accompanist were mouthing the words and still, didn't sing anything! But I don't know why that didn't cripple me- probably cos it was SO awful I knew it was really out of character!

I think just put it down to 'a blip' because clearly you don't ALWAYS do it, which means that you are not a bad performer- you just had a 'moment' And well done for the oldpeople!

F A N T A S T I C !!!!!!! Am so pleased for you I've just contributed to a post on predicting exam results where I put that sometimes these minor hitches help us not to become too complacent. However, it's hard when we're going through it, but it's a real lesson learnt, that we can't expect everything to go smoothly all the time. However, you have proved that you must get on the horse after it's bolted. You must be so proud of yourself. I'm proud of you, even though I don't know you. I've been thinking of you as much as if you were one of my pupils.

Keep up the performing, and I hope you go from strength to strength!

Well done PurePianist !

The really good thing is that you didn't allow your bad experience to restain you from playing.

Very happy for you .

Happens far more than people realise. At least you did the professional thing and started again.

A few days ago I was a very 'posh' concert in Caldana and a trombonist messed up his part of a Handel trombone quartet (or something arranged for trombones-haven't a clue). The conductor merely stopped them and re-started. These things happen. It's how you cope with them that's important.

My son's piano teacher told me that she made a similar mistake once, and started again, BUT pretended that it was supposed to be like that. She reckons that she got away with it!

Steve

Yes, I've done this before It really works out , especially when you know that the audience haven't got a clue of what you are playing and how it should be played ...

I'm glad I'm not the only one! Thank you everyone.