Reason I learnt the piano?

You can't stand a pint on a flute!!

I then played this sad song in A minor.... an elephant walked in sobbing his eyes out, I said, "Oh sorry, do you recognise this song".... the elephant replied, "No, boo hoo, but I recognise the ivories" !!

What's the difference between a seamstress and a beginner musician?


One tucks up frills, and the other F***s up trills!!!

How do you know there is a contralto at your front door?

Can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in...


Let me take you to the States and tell you about conducting over there...

A little old lady is sitting in the violin section, fumbling for notes in a difficult key signature. After a few minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with his music stand, and the poor old dear dies instantly.

Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours, one after another. They strap him into the electric chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily conducting the orchestra when the trumpet player goes sharp. Enraged, he lunges out with his baton, skewering the offender's jugular vein and killing him.
Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas for his last meal, and lo and behold, the electricity doesn't harm him. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a trombonist. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution. At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt.

Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret- "What is it with the bananas?"

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with the electricity," replies our friend. "It's me - I'm just a poor conductor"

Including recorders?

Beethoven has died, and been buried. Several months later, people start to hear strange sounds coming from his grave.
Concerned, they consult the priest, who goes to see for himself. Standing by the grave, he realises that what he's hearing is Beethoven's 9th played backwards. The next week he returns, only to realise that now, he's hearing Beethoven's 8th, again played backwards. Puzzled, he returns on the third week, and now he hears the 6th, again backwards.
He calls for a public meeting. The worried populace file in, sit down, and await his verdict.
This is nothing to worry about, he tells them. It's just Beethoven decomposing.

SORRY

More Viola Jokes on:-

http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/viola.html

Viohazard liked the violist's clef in your link.

His comment:

Take three bars of music written on a single staff and put them in front of a composer, a singer, a violist and a guitarist.

The composer sees it in 4D, with harmonies and descants invisible to the naked eye. The singer sees dynamics where none are written. The violist sees mostly mystery...and the guitarist says:

"Funniest damn TAB I've ever seen..."

In fact the site I mentioned above can be 'modifed' by changing viola to any instrument.

This made me laugh today:



EDIT:

When you've worked it out, go and enjoy freda_bloogs' post again here, which I only just found.

I saw that cartoon on Facebook just a few hours ago

Pahahahaha. You really should be aye

They also tell that one about sopranos...

Like it! Was just wondering where the organ and organist jokes were.

P4 (who's not a headmaster)

Maybe this is worth another airing, its a true story, but probably been on here before.

There is a story, quite possibly apocryphal, of the cathedral organist who had to go and check out a cipher after the service, leaving his assistant at the console. While the assistant is waiting for instructions, a little old lady from the congregation wanders over, and starts asking questions.

' What do all these knobs do? Why is this one called an tuba?' etc. Assistant patiently gives a little demonstration.

'And this one - the Vox Humana? What's that one like?'
'It's supposed to sound like the human voice..' ( gives a short twiddle, of the type that might generate a swift short slap from Edwardo's son's teacher)

Disembodied voice from somewhere up among the organ pipes: 'What the f*$!!&*'s going on?'

Little old lady 'My word! That's very realistic!'

cribbed from another site.... apparently true:

A certain choir was rehearsing one of Stanford's stickier pieces when the choir director noiced a kerfuffle in the organ loft. He called up, "Mr. Y, is there a problem?" Came the peeved reply, "Yes! My pedal light is out!" Silence followed for a moment, then- "Mr. Y, Bach never had a pedal light!"

To which Mr. Y retorted, "Bach never had to play Stanford in G!"

---

I also like this:

Organists' Biographies - What They Really Mean

"A rising star" = About to disappear out of orbit and never be seen or heard of again.

"Highly sought after" = Wanted by the Inland Revenue for not declaring earnings from recitals.

"Featured on Radio 3's Choral Evensong" = Played a chord at the start of the choir's unaccompanied anthem.

"Has played at Westminster Abbey" = An organist there gave him ten minutes at the console after the building closed one evening.

"International recitalist" = Once went on a day trip to Paris and visited Notre-Dame, where he played a few notes on the chamade reeds.

It has probably been told already, but my favourite is:

Q: What do you call sopmeone that hangs around with musicians
A: A drummer

Not jokes, exactly, but some great quotations:

"Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away" (Sir Thomas Beecham)

"Are you producing as much sound as possible from that quaint and antique drainage system which you are applying to your face?" (Sir Thomas Beecham to a trombonist)


Richard Strauss (conducting): "Tuba, too loud again!"

Violinist: "Maestro, he's not here today"

Strauss: "Well, you tell him, once he's back!"

This is how I think one of my conductors feels about the oboe

Q. What is perfect pitch?

A. The ability to lob your set of bagpipes into a skip without it touching the sides.

Q. What is relative perfect pitch ?

A. Your mother chucks it in, but with the same degree of accuracy.


Q. What is a true gentleman ?

A. A man who can play the bagpipes - but doesn't.



When the organist plays the last verse on flutes-chorus and Bourdon, you can be sure that he thinks there's another verse to come, if only because of the way he's eyeing up the stop jambs while he plays the last bar.

CB - Durham UK

Q. How do you make a bandstand?

A.Take all their chairs away.

Musical Theology:

What is the difference between Heaven and H*ll?

Heaven:

"Welcome to heaven. Here's your harp".

H*ll:

"Welcome to h*ll. Here's your accordion".

The accordion is not so bad, but if I was goiven Bagpipes.........

De gustibus non est disputandum. I think I'd prefer bagpipes, although I can't play either instrument. Maybe they give you bagpipes in Purgatory.

Intrigued that this forum won't let me spell the name of the Other Place out in full...

Pas devant les enfants! This is a very respectable forum.

I am always amused at another forum I post in. My original home town of Keighley has a suburb called Laycock, and it always comes out as Laythingy because of the censor.

I cant handle handel!

Unfortunately nothing to do with music, but I am reminded of an old associate who was invited to be a witness at a church wedding a few years earlier. The ecclesiastical part completed, the happy couple and witnesses along with the minister went into the vestry to ratify the legal paperwork. The minister asked the now fairly tired witness for his name to write on the register and marriage certificate. 'Bill Elliott' he said, the minister picks up his pen again and begins to write, B, i, double l, capital E, double l, i,.......

Erm, is that two T's??

Oh yes please says Bill, no sugars!

What do musicians do in their graves?

DE-COMPOSING!

(childish but amusing)

chrispiano

Here's a musical two liner:

Q. What do you call a piano made in Liverpool?

A. A piano la!

Sorry, must be thick this morning , I dont get it !