Reeds. The lack of workng ones, and the usual lack of a reed knife and know how to put it right!

Yeah, maybe. BUT definitely worth using with my youth band this morning

A few more for you.....


How can you tell there is a drummer at your door?
the knocking gets faster

What do you call someone who hangs round with musicians?
the conductor

how do you get 2 flutes to play in tune?
shoot one of them

etc etc etc

Soz to viola players again...

Q. What do you call it when two viola players play in unison

A. A minor second

This is a great thread!

This one came to mind just after I posted before. I think it's my favourite musician-joke of all:

Q. How d'you get your name up in lights as a jazz musician?
A. Change your name to "EXIT".

OK, since we seem to be back on the viola jokes...

The orchestra are due on stage for the concert in 5 minutes, and the orchestra manager gets an urgent call to the green room, where there's some "trouble".

Bursting in the door, he sees a great crowd of musicians trying to pull one of the viola players off the 2nd oboist. The oboist is backed into a corner, eyes bulging, as the viola player is trying to strangle him.

After a bit of struggle the manager separates the two. The oboist stands there massaging his neck and trying to get his breath back, while the viola player is restrained by most of the string section.

"Right", says the manager, "what's this all about?"

The viola player wails "He said he'd detuned one of my strings!!
"And he won't tell me which one!!"

This plan was actually used by a musical hall artist who changed his name to Nosmo King

Really like that one!!

While we're on the subject of oboes:
Q. What's the difference between an onion and an oboe?
A. No one cries when you cut up an oboe.

I think the same has been said about the viola! (Sorry!)

I like it! There's a similar bodhran-joke:

Q. What's the correct way to play a bodhran?
A. With an open penknife.

Couple of good ones:

Q: How do you turn a Duck into a Jazz artist?
A: Put it in the microwave until its bill withers =P

Q: Whats the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline =P

hehe

Good one.
Reminds me of a similar joke about Googie Withers.
Not for this forum though!


A

Well, I couldn't see it on this thread, so here we go.....

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second." Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.


EDIT: Oops, I just brought up a 2 year old thread...

My three (I couldn't find them on the thread, so unless you all know them anyway......)

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
It burns longer!

What is a bassoon good for?
Lighting a pile of accordions!

How can you tell if a second-violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving!


(apologies to the multiple instruments insulted there...... )

Q. What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?

A. A demented chord.



Well I found it funny...

Are there no recorder jokes?

Q. What's a burning oboe good for?
A. Setting a bassoon on fire!



Y'all know I don't mean it, being an oboist...

I like it too... I use the word 'demented' to describe a lot of things, though!

Q. How do you get two oboists to play in unison?
A. Shoot one of them.

I know, I know, a lot of these jokes were originally meant about bassoons...

Why couldn't the drummer get through the door?


Because of his high hat.

Now that is so bad that it is good!

I thought that was bagpipes - the perfect kindling for an accordion fire.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

How do you get two violinists to play in unison?
Shoot one.

And from the music dictionary,

Oboe, defn: ill wind that no one blows good.

Baroque, defn: what you will be if you play this music for a living

My favourite one is
Why is lightning like a violists finger?
It never strikes twice in the same place!

Q. What's wrong with pushing a car off a cliff with a viola player in it?
A. You could have fitted three more in.

Q. How many good viola players can you fit in a phone box?
A. Both of them.

Oh I love viola jokes.

A girl went out busking with her brother and his mate backing her on keyboard and guitar. She was pretty cute, and it wasn't long before the coins and even a few notes started to accumulate...but in between sets, while the guys were tuning, she would grab all the foldables and stuff them down her front. The guys weren't too happy at the prospect of a handful of coins at the end of the night, but a gig is a gig is a gig.

Finally, a few people figured out what was going on, and started a second pile a bit further away from the vocalist. The rest of the audience got right into it, and by the end of the next set, there was not much difference in the two piles. Everybody watched to see how they'd divvy it up...but some people were pretty sure they knew how it would work out...









...after all, everybody knows guitarists can never pick up the notes!

I'm afraid I love viola jokes...

Q: What's the best sound made by a viola?
A: Splash.

Q: How do you know when the stage is flat?
A: The violas dribble out of both sides of their mouths.

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a shopping trolley?
A: A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

This is a true story. At the end of a concert which I had attended with friends we were talking about the performance. I said "Of course I really liked the violins". The others looked at me in amazement and one of my friends replied "What do you mean, violence?!"

This is also a true story.

I was checking in my luggage at an airport and the check-in lady asked me if I had anything sharp in my hand luggage.

I replied "I have my flute, but it is only sharp when I play in the top register!".

The look on her face (something like ) proved that she was not very musical

Me too.
Years ago, when I played the viola a double-bass playing friend of mine said "I know a really good viola joke".
"Come on" I said, "you know I play the viola".
"OK" said he, "I'll tell it really slowly".

Of course there are jokes about other instruments (just not so many). Of interest to me at the moment are oboe jokes:
How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

Then again, considering a quotation from Wagner, I may be heading back to the viola section before too long:
"The viola is usually played by infirm violinists, or by decrepit players of wind instruments who happen to have been acquainted with a string instrument once upon a time."

The truth is that I've heard all the jokes, about every single instrument. I never understand the bias against viola players, since our amateur ensemble is desperate for them.

But never mind.......

Letter to an Agony aunt in a women's magazine:


Dear Maggie,

I've just met the man of my dreams. I love him so much. He plays viola in our amateur orchestra. He has made so much progress since leaving prison and his probation officer says that he has finally agreed to help the police locate all the bodies. His mother is still inside for smuggling cocaine and his father is somewhere in Peru being tracked by the CIA for his work with Al-Quada. His sister lives in Runcorn and is known as 'Miss Easy lay' and his brother is in Broadmoor.

Next week I want him to meet my parents. Mummy and Daddy are so fussy and rather old fashioned.
I want to tell them everything, but one can only go so far..... do I really have to say that he plays the viola?




Steve

Q. What's the definition of a semi-tone?
A. Two oboists playing in unison.

Q. How many oboists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A. Only one but he'll have to try out 30 or 40 to find the best one.

Oh I like that one. I suppose tomorrow he'll swap it for a different one because it's no longer bright enough.

I am a viola player and I rather like viola jokes.

A violinist, a cellist, a violist and a bass player are in the same room with a 500 euros banknote on the floor.
Who will get the money ?
The cellist because it's not enough for the violinist to go and get it, the bass player is too slow and the violist didn't understand what happened.

Another true story that made my laugh....

In 1996 David Brooks was taken to court for playing the bagpipes on Hampstead Heath. It was his regular practice and when his neighbours discovered an ancient byelaw that forbade music instruments to be played on the Heath they pressed charges against him. In his defence he argued that the bagpipes were not a music instrument, but had been classed as an instrument of war since 1746. The case went to court three times and he eventually lost because "in time of war the bagpipes are an instrument of war and in peace they are a musical instrument".

It seems to have been a complicated case that ended as a farce. I hope I got the facts right.

What's the difference between your brother's banjo and his brand new vi-sprung double devan bed. - You don't don't tell your kids off when they start jumping on his banjo. (I guess he hasn't got a viola)

Child:
Mummy, mummy; when I grow up I want to be a musician.

Mother:
Sorry, darling, it's one or the other - you can't do both.

How many bassoonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but they will go through four or five before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to do it, and one to say "Isn't that a little high for you?"
OR
None, they can't get up that high.

What's black and blue and lies in the gutter?
The lead guitarist that's told one too many drummer jokes. (A personal favourite of my drummer friend, who's band's lead guitarist is a rather cocky character!)

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
Nothing. The violinist's head is just big.

(Or vise versa with 'the viola player's head is just small') Please note I have nothing against violins, or violas. I am a violinist and a soon-to-be viola player.

How many second violinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They can't get up that high.

Hearing a scream coming from backstage, the conductor rushes down to see Betty, the viola player, pinning Jeffrey, a violinist, against the wall with a plastic fork from the canteen.

"What's going on?" shouts the conductor.

"It's Jeffrey!" screams Betty, hysterically. "He's retuned one of my strings!"

The conductor scratches his head. "Er, well... and so what?"

"He won't tell me which one!!"




Steve

Q. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
>
>
A. A flat minor

-And one for the organists on board-

Q. What do you call a short headmaster?
>
>
A. A 4-foot principal

From the Orpheus Chamber Orchestra Facebook page (they were asking for "good oboe jokes").

Just before a concert a hospital gets a phone call from backstage.
"Hello nurse. Our principal oboe has slipped and his reed is stuck in the roof of his mouth. What should we do?".
There was a pause, then the nurse replied "Use muted trumpet?"


Also from one of the Orpheus' violists "What's a good oboe?". Cheeky rat.

I'm not sure this qualifies as a joke per se, but I did find it mildly amusing when I read it this morning:

"I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don't understand" - Sir Edward Appleton

[size=7]
Saxophones should be melted down and made into musical instruments

http://www.messybeast.com/dragonqueen/mozart.htm

Wonderful!

What do you get if you toss a piano on top of an army camp ?

A flat Major

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.

The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down."

The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"



A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes off it, and finally asked how much it cost. The answer was ``$79.95, but if you buy it, you can't return it for any reason.'' The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it. As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking. Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to the river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped into the river and drowned. The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked in, the owner said ``I told you you couldn't return the stuffed rat!'' The man said ``No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any stuffed violists.''

From "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce (1906)

Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet - two clarionets.

Fiddle, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by the friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

Piano, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

Another viola joke - apologies in advance.

Why is a viola solo like peeing your pants?

Because no one can hear it and it's really embarrassing.

Sorry - but that always makes me laugh.

And another couple:
What do you do with a dead viola player?
Move him back a desk

There was the viola player who bet the violinist he could play demisemiquavers. The violin player bet he couldn't. "I'll prove it," said the viola player, and played one.

A viola player went to a piano recital and came back to tell his friends about it. "It was lovely, mostly Beethoven. I love that one that starts with a trill - I think it was called Fur Elise"

Accidental: a wrong note played on purpose.

I had always referred to a root position triad on the piano as being in "yes-no-yes-no-yes" position becasue of what it looks like. Nowadays, obviously, it's Vicky. For Vicky Pollard.