Jokes are always good aren't they? I never seem to have a goodun to hand though at a joke-sharing-sesh with friends.

Any very funny ones you've heard recently? Post 'em here! (Please )

If two's company and three's a crowd, what's four and five?

Nine.

I've put this one up before on my old account, but hopefully nobody remembers it...

'Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider and sat down beside her,
So she squished it.'

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

---

Whats pink and fluffy?

Pink Fluff

Oh har-di-har-har The joy of logic!

Hehehe, yeah these are good!

Have you heard my extractor fan impression?...











I used to like tractors.

I like this one

There were two sodium atoms walking down the street, and one said to the other: "Help! I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes - I'm positive!"

Don't take drugs when you're driving!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2nkzkLEek0

Is Masterchef being dumbed down as well?



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N99ZW55xyE8...player_embedded

And in a similarly geeky vein...

Werner Heisenberg was stopped by a traffic cop, who said to him: "Do you know how fast you were going just then?"
"No, but I can tell you my exact position."

What do you call Postman Pat when he's been made redundant?






Pat

double groan....one for this one and one for your previous one!

That's absolutely hilarious! For some reason it made me think of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tqd4aPs5WTA

(German forklift safety video!)

Aagh - I beg to differ. Here's something more innocent - no vomiting or bloodshed whatsoever...


It's mid-December some year, and Norway has had a new ambassador in the USA for about a month. He is, as a matter of fact not only new as ambassador to the USA, he is a novice ambassador of any sort.

He is just about getting familiar with his work, but he's not always sure about what to do. Suddenly the phone rings..

"Yees..." he says, a bit confused. (His phone hardly ever rings.)
"Good morning Mr Ambassador. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times. I'd like to know what you want for a Christmas present."
"Eh," said Sveind (for that was his name), "Christmas present... Eh... I'm very sorry Mike, I can't accept any gifts, but tanks anyway."
"Yes, of course... I understand," said Mike with a voice that indicated he didn't understand at all. "Bye then."
"Good bye Mike."

The day goes as usual. Sveind thought this was a bit unusual, but he soon forgot about it, and went back to the normal ambassadoring.
The next morning the phone rings again.

"Yes, Sveind speaking."
"Hello Sveind. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times again. I'm wondering if you're really serious about what you said yesterday?"
"Ah.. Hello... Eh. Yes, unfortunately I meant it. You see, ve're not allowed to accept personal gifts. They could be seen as bribes, and I don't vant to cause any scandal. I'm very sorry, but I hope you understand."
"Yes, of course.. Sorry... Bye."
"Good bye."

That was funny, Sveind thought. Didn't he believe what I said? Maybe some misunderstanding. After all my pronunciation isn't the best.
The next morning the phone rings again.

"Yes, Sveind heere."
"Hello Sveind. This is Mike Giordano again. I suppose you know what I want?"
"Yes I know vhat you want," Sveind said, not without irritation. "I thought I explained vhy I can't accept any gifts."
"Yes you did, but I don't think you...."
"Yes I understand," Sveind said, quite angrily. "I understand perfectly vell. Vhat do you vant really? Do you vant to get rid of me, or vhat? Anyvay, you von't have any success, I will go strictly by the book. No... Vait a minute. Now I know. I vant a fruit bowl." (He is sure a fruit bowl is absolutely harmless, and won't cause any scandal.)
"A fruit bowl?? Are you serious??"
"Yes. A fruit bowl. Is there anything vrong vith a fruit bowl?"
"No. Nothing wrong, but a bit unusual maybe.."
"Unusual?? Vell that doesn't matter, does it?"
"No. Of course not. Merry Christmas then, and bye bye."
"Good bye, and eh, Merry Christmas."

A few days later, this could be read in the New York Times.

What the foreign ambassadors here want for Christmas
During a few hectic days, I've been calling all the embassies here, and asking the ambassadors what they want for Christmas. This is the result.

EUROPEAN COUNTRIES:

Great Britain. Good economic welfare.
West Germany. Even better east-west relations.
France. Free trade between Europe and USA.
Switzerland. Better European cooperation, and better US relations.
Sweden. End of the starvation in the third world.
Belgium. Better environmental care.
Norway. A fruit bowl.

My mum ran off with the milkman when I was eight years old.





Watching them drive away on his float was the worst three hours of my life.......

So funny!

You normally expect those things to be done on a tiny budget but they obviously ploughed loads of cash into that one! Got to love the way Germans like doing things properly!

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement.

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do some the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

I tried to add this post three weeks ago................ Flippin' Royal Mail!!!

Two goldfish are in this tank - one says to the other "it's my turn to drive"

This is long, and groan-worthy, but.....

A talking duck walks into a bar and he says to the landlord:
“Can I have a pint of beer and a beef sandwich, please?”
The landlord says: “We don’t get many talking ducks in here; what are you doing in these parts?”
The duck replies: “I’m working on the building site over the road. I’m a plasterer. Got a problem with that?”
The landlord says: “No, no, that’s fine. Great!”
Over the next few months, the duck comes in every lunchtime and orders a pint of beer and a beef sandwich.
One evening, a circus owner visits the pub. The landlord says to him: “We have a great act for you- a talking duck!” The circus owner tells the landlord to tell the duck that he could be making millions in the circus.
The next day, the duck comes in for his pint of beer and a beef sandwich. The landlord says to him: “A circus owner came in last night and said that he was interested in you. You could make millions!”
The duck says: “A circus?”
The landlord says: “Yes.”
The duck says: “That’s where animals run around and do tricks and stuff, isn’t it?”
The landlord says: “Yes.”
The duck says: “Well what do they want with a plasterer?”

A White Horse goes into the pub and walks up the bar.
"I'll have a whisky, please" says the White Horse, "What brands to you have?"
"Well", says the barman, "we happen to have one that's named after you!"

to which the White Horse replies:

"What, Eric...?"

And why was the scarecrow promoted?


He was out standing in his field.

What about the Johnny jokes?



Neighbour sees little Johhny, over the fence, digging a hole in the garden.

"What on earth are you doing?"

"I'm diggin' a hole!"

"Why?"

"Cos my budgie's dead!"

Neighbour feels bad.

"Oh I'm sorry... er... but why so big?"

Johhny sneers.

"Cos it's in your ^%$#@ cat!"

Just seen Solari's new signature, which reminded me of the old one:

"I'll have a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!"

I was going to put "long in the tooth and living in de Nile" but I'm not really that old

Some four or five weeks ago, a sister and brother were knocked down on a pedestrian crossing in Liverpool. Whilst the children mercifully received only cuts and bruises, several passers-by were crushed to death when an enormous impromptu roadside shrine that sprang up within the hour, a forty-foot mountain of floral tributes and inexpensive toy bears, collapsed upon them.

How can you tell if there's an elephant in your bed?

By the letter 'E' embroidered on the elephant's pyjamas.

How do you tell little boy elephants from little girl elephants?







Little boy elephants have crossbars on their bikes.

A farmer goes out to his field one morning to find all his cows frozen solid. He is obviously devestated and sits on a hedge crying. A woman walks up to him and asks what's wrong so he shows her the poor cows. She tells him not to worry and go in the farmhouse whilst she sorts the problem. An hour later he comes out and the cows are absolutely fine. He thanks her and she goes on her way. Another man walks past her and says to the farmer "you do know who that is don't you?" "No" the farmer replies. It was Thora Hird!!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Biggish.
Biggish who?
I didn't know you were homeless!!

Customer : 'I'd like a return ticket please'
Ticket office clerk : 'Where to, sir?'
Customer : 'Back here, of course!'

Two men are out hunting. One of them tragically falls in a lake, however his friend manages to pull him out of the lake in the nick of time. He is struggling for breath and very close to death, so the second man hurriedly rings 999. However, as this happens, his friend stops moving and the second man cannot find a pulse. Somebody answers on the other end of theline, and he says "Help, what to do I do? I think my friend is dead!" the attendant says to him, "Please try to remain calm, sir. Now, make sure your friend is dead." There is silence for a moment, then a gunshot is heard. The man comes back on the line. "Right, what now?"

Two cows are standing in a field. One says "Moo!" The second says "Oh bother! I was going to say that!"

With just 24 minutes to go before it's too late...
...my Easter Joke...

What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

Two hats ona hat stand. One said to the other "You wait here, I'll go on ahead".

What do you call a chicken crossing the road? Poultry in Motion.

Just a sample. I know HUNDREDS of lame jokes. (They are all that I still remember from teaching in a middle school).

Could you stand any more?
Wouldn't you rather watch Michael MacIntyre?

You're just upset coz you don't know the answer!

If our little long-eared friend survived, it'd be a HOT, CROSS BUN of course!

Not really a joke as such, but it amused me:
Yesterday at my aunties, my dad was sitting on the couch with his eyes closed, looking very much like he was asleep. He was very still, adn my mam was convinced that his chest wasn't moving and he wasn't breathing. She went over to wake up him, but he was actually awake and had been listening to the whole conversation-he opened his eyes and goes "I'm not dead, I'm just in stealth mode"
I just about died laughing!

What do you call someone who used to like farm vehicles, but doesn't now?

An extractor fan.

You resurrected the thread for that!

I though it was pretty funny....... when the penny finally dropped........

An old one…

A panda goes into a bar and asks for a sandwich.

After munching apparently happily for a few minutes, he pulls out a pistol and shoots the guy sitting next to him then gets up and strolls to the door.

The amazed barman says, "hey, why did you do that?"

To which the panda replies, "well, I'm a panda. Have a look in your dictionary."

The barman flips to the "pa's" and sure enough there its is – "Panda: bear-like mammal, eats shoots and leaves… "

I know, terrible, terrible, terrible….

Worse however is:

Why are there no asprins in the jungle?
Because the paracetamol!!

A duck walks into a bar 'Quack Quack Quack. Got any raisins ?'
'No' says the barman, 'we dont welcome ducks in here , and we don't have raisins'

Next day, excatly the same thing happens, and again on a third day.

'Look here ' says the barman, 'if you come in here again and ask for raisins, I will nail your webbed feet to the bar'

Fourth day, in comes the duck again 'Quack Quack Quack, got any nails ?'

'No', says the barman.

'In that case, got any raisins ?' says the duck

Daddy Mole, Mummy Mole and Baby Mole live in a hole near a farmhouse in the country.
Daddy Mole pokes his nose out of the hole 'Aah , I smell bacon cooking' he says
Mummy Mole pokes her nose out of the hole 'Aah I smell fresh bread baking' she says
Baby Mole, desparately trying to get his nose out of the hole 'All I can smell is molasses'