That one should have gone into Dagwood - the musical!

Has Pianissimole heard this one or is he keeping very quiet about it?

What's the difference between a piano and an onion?






No one cries when you chop up a piano.





Sorry - very near dear daughter's exam and we can't bear any more L'Elephant

Q. Why is "bratsche" the German word for viola?

A. Because that's the sound it makes when you sit on one





Q. What's half of a tuba?

A. A oneba

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?

A bassoon is bigger-it burns for longer when chopped into firewood.


When you need a favour, who is best to ask-a good viola player, a bad viola player or the Easter Bunny?

The bad viola player-the other two simply don't exist!

(Apologies to bassoon and viola players )

But not to oboe players?

What is the difference between two flutes?

Half a tone.

Nope, purely because the oboe was spared being turned to firewood



How do you get two flutes to play in unison?
Shoot one of them!

(apologies!)

(One for the jazz forum really)
What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays three chords to thousands of people.....
(I'll get me coat).

Once I made my fluteteacher laugh out loud by saying:

"I have practiced semiquavers, do you want me to play one for you?"

My violin teacher frequently tells me that "I don't care how many wrong notes you play, but play a rest wrong, and I'll kill you!"

And along the same lines:
"What's the definition of a semi-tone?"

"Two oboes playing in unison."

And a joke from the conductor of a string orchestra I joined a few months ago.

Someone has put a £100 note in the middle of a football pitch and when the umpire blows his whistle the first person to get to the middle will win the money. The competitors are four string players (one in each corner): a solo first violinist, a fast viola player, a cellist and a double bass player. Who wins the money?

Answer: the cellist
(The solo violinist doesn't go anywhere for that price, there is no such thing as a fast viola player, the double bass player is still trying to understand the question).

why is 6 afraid of 7? Well because 7 8 9!

I still love the Tommy Cooper joke which went,

"Doctor, I keep having this dream, when a beautiful naked young lady comes up to me, and I keep pushing her away."

"Mr Cooper, what would you like me to do?"

"Break my arms!"

I love the one that goes something like:

"So I phoned this firm up and said I want a skip outside my house. He says, 'well I'm not stopping you!'"

And another Tommy Cooperism...

I came back to my car, and somebody had paid me a compliment. There was a a piece of paper on the windscreen that said Parking Fine.

what do you get when you throw a piano off a mine shaft? A flat minor!

And... what do you get if you drop a piano on a senior member of the armed forces? A Flat Major!

More old ones ..


A horse walked into a bar. The barman said "Why the long face"

A white horse walked into a bar. The barman said "Hey we have a whiskey named after you!"
"What?" said the horse ... "A whiskey called Eric!"

A man walked into a bar.
He said "Ouch!"


Here is a puzzle for you: A man pushed his car to a hotel and found that he was bankrupt.

Probably on the Mayfair space in Monopoly

Too smart by half!

I bought a grenade using my credit card......it all went wrong when they asked for my pin .......

Not sure if this should be in the joke thread or what's made you happy thread, but here goes...

My son just came home from an afternoon with my mother looking very pleased with himself and presented me with a folded paper napkin, which he proudly told me contained a tooth which had come out during a meal at a certain fast food restaurant. Now this got me a bit confused as he hasn't had any loose teeth in quite a while and would usually be playing with them for a good few days before they eventually came out. I opened his mouth to check and could find no gaps. When I opened up the napkin I found a piece of gristle from a chicken nugget! My son had felt this in his mouth while chewing, taken it out of his mouth and shown it to my mother who swore blind that it was a tooth.

Now, who should I be most worried about? My son who thought he'd lost a tooth even though he had no loose ones and no gaps? Or my mother, who should really have known the difference between a tooth and a piece of gristle?

I now have one very disappointed little boy who won't be getting a visit from the tooth fairy tonight, but at least it's made me laugh until my sides ached.

You could call it a McMolar!

I actually love this

Are part time bandleaders semi-conductors?

My friend was asking me if the person I spoke to about buying a car is a MECH-NIC - pronounce as spelt - (mechanic), I answered ''No he is not a MECH-NIC but a MECH-NISM'' ..

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes Sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my ######," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't #### out of it," the man replied.

That is how it *should* be in the dictionary.

In the joke it should be quoted as:- "eats, shoots and leaves" - ie: with the comma that should not be there (there is a whole book on this).

Q) What is so wonderful about bagpipes?

A) They make the perfect kindling for an accordion fire.

Why do they call it rap music?

Because the letter C fell off at the printers.

"Hoots Mon"

... as the Scotsman said to the Owl

(or was it the other way around )

I used to think a transistor was a nun that liked wearing men's clothes.

(posted this once before I think but it was relevant! )

I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked.

So I clicked "Add to cart."

I shall have to check the building insurance small print. We have both in the house.

Though the pipes are Northumbrian Smallpipes and the accordion is a melodeon (ickle button accordion), so they wouldn't hurt anyone.

Shall I just keep quiet about the viola?

Two silkworms had a race: They ended up in a tie.

The cartoon dwarves that failed the audition for the Snow White movie included 500 dwarves all called Psychic: A large number of small mediums.

If you bomb a French Kitchen do you get Linoleum Blownapart?

If puppies are born at the roadside would the owner be guilty of littering?

Vultures travelling on Ryanair were stopped from taking 2 dead rabbits with them: Only one Carrion allowed.

Two fish swam into a concrete wall. One turned to the other and said "Dam!" (will that come out with hash signs? No! Oh good)

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

So there's two fish in a tank. One says "It's my turn to drive!"

Yay!!

Chap parks his car and walks off to do some shopping. Suddenly remembers he's left his accordion lying on the back seat in full view. Horrified, he dashes back to the car. Too late! The back window has been smashed and 2 more accordions have been thrown in.

(Hope pushpull doesn't spot this one! )


PS. Must confess I actually like accordions... Tango's not the same without them.

Listen. Having played squeezebox and viola (and having a soft spot for bagpipes) I've heard them all.

I feel a change of profile pic coming on.

Bought a new mobile phone from my Church the other day. When I asked the vicar what kind of tariff it was he replied - Pray as you go.

The Milliband brothers

Did you know there are actually three Milliband brothers?

There's David Milliband, Ed Milliband and, of course the Glen Milliband !!

Brilliant!

Did you hear about the woman who couldn't find a singing partner? She had to buy a duet yourself kit...

A cosine went into a bar and asked for a pint of lager.
The barman said, "Sorry, we don't serve functions."

Ha, I posted one in response about two hydrogen atoms only to find out you'd posted the same one ages ago!

Oops.

edit: have another one in the same vein, and appropriate for today.

Q. Why did the programmer confuse Halloween with Christmas?
A. Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.