How many times do you as a parent worry that you are doing the right thing for your musical children? Do you make a decision and run with it or whilst they are taking a certain path, whether that be taking certain exams, entering festivals/competitions or choosing a more specialised route (choir school,JD etc), do you have "wobbles"?! BB hasn't even started at his new school and I go from thinking it's the best thing to being worried sick. Quite frankly, I find it exhausting and am worried that I will continue to have frequent episodes of worry and still feel this way 7+ years down the line and beyond. But it won't just end at dropping him off at the school gate. There will be exams, festivals, competitions and I'm not sure I have the will or capability to cope with it all!

About every six seconds, while I'm awake. But I've come to the conclusion that my anxiety levels bear little relationship to the rightness or wrongness of my decisions.

Yes, you can never be sure that you have all made the right decision but nothing is irreversible. What does he want? If he goes to one school and then tells you its the wrong place for him and he knows he wants to do something else I assume you will facilitate this. As long as he doesn't feel that saying anything would be a huge disappointment to you and that it shows lack of moral fibre to change paths. I did that at 11 - went to specialist music school for one term and told them and my parents I was in the wrong place at the end of that term. I must have been caught up in the audition and interview process and the joy of being offered a place and never really thought about what it meant or involved (and what I had to give up). I had had an entirely free choice of where I wanted to go - no pressure to go to the music school. I think I actually told them at interview that I thought I might be a vet! They all worked on my behalf to get me out and off I went to the highly academic non-specialist school that had also offered me a place who kindly let me in. I would never have discovered that I didnt want to do music as a career at that age if I hadn't been put in that environment. I reckon I was the only person there who had had enough practice after about 45 mins! All he needs to know is that you support his decisions and that if he is happy you are too.

I would facilitate a move but I think I would insist he stays for a year to make sure he did want to move as it must be a massive shock to the system initially. If it was still a no then we'd move him although we are in a tricky position that his senior school back ups only start in Year 9 and he'd leave at some point in Year 7.

But even if he loves it, I'm not sure I can deal with the stress of it all!

Perhaps it is best that you proceed under the assumption that the specialist music school will be great, and try not to think through every possible scenario. If you have had problems at previous schools then that might be impacting in on your thoughts, but perhaps that is not healthy.

It is also worth remembering that there is no such thing as the perfect school and you can never know what would have happened if you had taken a different course.

Your son is very lucky to be going to a specialist music school and it will mean some sacrifices elsewhere. Having said that, we all make sacrifices of one sort or another - as our children get older they just can't persue everything to the standard you might wish. Perhaps you need to remind yourself how lucky he is and enjoy the experience.

In addition, as they get older we have to allow our children to make some of their own decisions (obviously staying involved with the really important stuff while we can). Perhaps as the responsibility for decisions shifts from you to him you might worry as much but it might not weigh as heavy when the responsibility shifts.

One last thought! Trust yourself! You have found fantastic opportunities for your son, you have weighed up the pros and cons and made the best decision you could right now. You may make changes in the future but you can't plan for that now because you have already made the best decision you can for now.

Hope this helps, if not feel free to ignore!

This is something I can really empathise with. Whether we have made the right decision at the right time is a constant concern.

At the moment if left to teacher daughter would be working towards something that is more than a year away and we are trying to tweek this. No idea whether we are doing the right thing but desperately trying to avoid the wrong one.

The more they are put in positions where they get advice and feedback the more confusing it gets.

I've come to the conclusion if we make the decisions at least there is no one else to blame if it all goes pear shaped. There is only so much advice and discussion with the child that can happen. Sometimes the parent has to decide in the case of younger child or they have to decide themselves if they are older.

Someone gave me some advice recently to decide where we were going and stick with it and that's really all any of us can do. There's always scope to make the odd adjustment along the way.

Yes - I definitely do worry. Music can be such a big time and money commitment and you hear so many adults saying they wish their parents had encouraged them more or pushed them less, or let them take up a different discipline or ... the list goes on.

At the end of the day - we all just do our best - and keep listening (to our kids, to their teachers, to our bank manager ) and make the changes as necessary.

If your son wants to be a musician, MNW, then, undeniably, an education at Purcell is a wonderful opportunity and, if not, he will still be learning a lot about independence and self discipline that will stand him in good stead wherever he goes.

From my limited experience, I feel that things get easier as they get older, and you can begin to trust their judgement too. Epiphanya is 12 going on 13, and in general things are much less stressy.

I say "in general" because last week, i realised that for the last 3 months she's been working on 1 set A and 2 set C pieces for her grade 8 exam in 3 weeks - none of the pieces are in the book, so it's sheet music, and "someone" got it wrong (ok, I got it wrong, it was me). So she's got just 4 weeks to learn from scratch a Grade 8 piece - but hey, better 4 weeks than 4 days, I said! I am, officially, the Worst Mother in the World...... take comfort that it can't be you!

Thank you for all the thoughtful posts, maybe I am more normal than "we" all think!

My main issue is that he ends up being average within an elite bunch. Nothing wrong with being average but it is such a volatile career with no financial stability and it will be me that has the stress for the next seven years at least. I'm not sure I want to or can cope with the stress- blurgh!

Would it help to see it as the most suitable education for him at the present and maybe for the next seven years and let the career choices come when he's of an age to be thinking about it?
If he does turn out to have the talent and motivation to be one of the best then all very well but if not he's still had then benefit of the experience and will have learned plenty of transferable skills.

Yes, we all worry that we will do the wrong thing for our children. I always strove to keep open as many doors as possible, so that when they got to an age when they were better able to decide for themselves, there would still be choice available. At times I still wonder if a different course would have been better, but in the great scheme of things education is not the be all and end all. Look at John Major, who became Prime Minister despite a poor academic record. A person's own drive in later life has more impact on what they will do in life than exactly which schools they attended.

Going to a music school will be a wonderful thing for your son if he does indeed decide to become a musician, and if he doesn't he will still have done GCSEs. I feel you are making the right decision for the stage he is at, and as GMc says, if he hates it, you can always change schools. Try not to get so stressed about things, but let them develop naturally.

I think, being all lovely and thoughtful, you may have all got the wrong meaning. I am worried about the route we are embarking on but more from a selfish reason as I don't know if I can cope with the stress of comps/festivals/performances etc. I suppose the wobble is a selfish one...

I'm sure you will cope! The competitions etc only come one at a time, and you will either get inured to it or learn to live with it. (Having said that, I nearly died sitting through my son's A-level recital as I knew how shattered he was that evening and was not at all confident he would make it through the 20 minutes!)

If it's what is best for your son, you'll just get on and do it.

MNW - You are not alone!!! A while ago you said that you worried about what my state of mind would be this term (or something like that) and I just thought that it wouldn't be a problem!

Well, we are now half way through the term, Mrs D kind of sorted, NCO audition out of the way, run in with Deputy Head yesterday, and Tiffin exam looming (next week AAAAAHHHHH) and I am now suffering with chest pains and sleepless nights! DS is coping with the stress of it all much better than I am! Oh well just the Tiffin exam, then the Grade 5 exam, plus Christmas 'events' and then another entrance exam/interview etc to get through! What state will I be in on 1st March when we find out what school he's got into I dare not think. And if he does get into Tiffin will he struggle at the bottom of he class rather than being comfortably at the top where he's always been, if he goes to the local comp will he become known as a Geek, ........

Isn't all this just part of being a parent?!!! Maybe not - maybe I'm just a born worrier, but the worry of doing the best for both my boys is awful at times.

You're a fantastic and caring mum MNW and the fact that you worry so much is part of what has led to the opportunities that you have managed to give your boys.

I couldn't have done all that you have VM with such a little one in tow. You have put your son into the most competitive environments in the country. He is a little star and will go far, but like you I think we are playing catch-up! Have you got DS2 on viola yet, or better still, double bass or bassoon!

Don't say that - my blood pressure is high enough as it is!!! (1700 boys sitting Tiffin exam next week for 140 places!). Found out today that there are about 6 boys from DS' school doing the exam - what if they all get in and DS doesn't?!!!

DS2 has recently started making his own kind of 'music' - it's called whining and he can 'play' it very loudly when he's not getting enough attention! Goes lovely with the Strangled cat in DS1's bedroom! Can anyone tell me how to get fingers to grow longer within 5 weeks!

A friend of mine has a DD in the local Indie which is a very 'pushy' place, lots of pressure to do well, masses of homework, etc. Her DD has gained a place at their Secondary school, but the mum doesn't know if she can cope with the pressure herself! As an alternative she's put her in for Tiffin Girls! Now that shows how pressured it is!!! See - we stressed mums are all over the place!!!

Don't stress. BB won't even get into his brother's school so that's even worse as he will look like the inferior brother! Serves him right for being an utter....ahem, ahem!

Surely one of the advantages of sending him to a specialist music school is that decisions about things like competitions, exams etc will be taken out of your hands - that?s part of what you?re paying for, no? Leave him where he is or send him to another non-specialist school and the headaches will continue. If Purcell doesn?t work out, then you can think again, but for now, I would have thought it will be something of a relief? Even if you do get stressed at the thought of him doing these things, he will have the best possible help and back-up from school, so perhaps that will take some pressure off you..

Now this is where I think you may have things wrong. I don't doubt that some people will start at an early age and thrive, never look back and become the best. Others will start at an early age and by the time they have got to late teenage years they will be average. We can't know initially if our child will be in either of these categories.

I don't think it matters on wind instruments that the child didn't start until until 8 or 10 in the way it might on some others.

I also think as the child gets older they become less aware of players around them in some circumstances. In a competitive music environment there are all sorts of politics. Children get recognised long before they mature and then it's in the organisations interest to keep that recognition going. Starting at 8 on a wind instrument doesn't mean you will be the best at 16 or starting at 12 the worst.

It sometimes takes more strength and support to ignore political situations than it does to actully progress the instrument. The thing that will make the player successful is largely out of our hands. All we can do is recognise situations as the occure. make decisions and take action when things aren't working out.

At the moment I'm trying to encourage daughter to develop as many skills as possible including theory and piano (more than officially needed). I just hope that a broad grounding will be of as much benefit as instrument focus alone.




Doesn't work like that at Juniors. I know from a friend that the local specilist school discourages things like summer courses and hand picks entrants for BBC YMOY.

I think that the age at which BB is now is one of the worst for parental angst. The decisions being made are big enough to matter, and yet our kids are not quite at the stage of making all their own decisions from start to finish, even if they have a big say and the final decision.

I do agree that as time passes, a music school will be taking those decisions out of your hands, and you will also be less responsible for the things that your son decides out of school.

And just to really cheer you up, as time passes, the possible paths also dwindle, a few "too late" doors slam shut, and the whole thing inevitably becomes a bit more simple.

I think that a responsible parent does worry about encouraging a child in an area where it can be hard to earn a living. I suppose that we just have to accept the worry as part of the cost of music lessons!

Awwww..MNW, don't have wobbles! You do so much for your children, they are lucky to have you as a mother. You give your time, support and money to help them to have what they want and/or need.
Each new thing is unknown territory and we can't know it is right or wrong until we have trodden the path. So you and your son need to take each new experience as an adventure together when required and when as solo expedition, you as the teary-eyed but proud, supportive mum.
Wobbles are because you care, not because you are wrong.

Thanks guys but you have got me all wrong. I want to be selfish and stick my fingers in my ears and not think about BB's music every again!

But if it isn't music, it will be something else! So don't worry, you are just a caring parent!

If you care and are a worrier anyway you will probably always feel the same. My sons are 22 and 19, one a musician, the other embarking on an accountancy career. Even though one lives away I still worry about them driving, not eating well, falling out with girlfriends, having too many late nights, making the right career decisions - the list is endless.

All I can say to reassure you is that the decisions you agonize over now tend not to be that important when you look back years later, in fact I could kick myself now for losing sleep over very similar worries to yours. If children are talented and determined to persue a particular path they usually will. We tried to give them every opportunity, and some decisions turned out to be right and others less so, but they and us are very happy with the way things turned out.

But MNW, you may find you are like me and stressing over things just as much when they are adults; albeit a different set of worries!

Dear MNW
I don't know a single parent who doesn't worry about making the right choices for their children. The thing that's helped me is asking myself if my two are happy at their school and making progress. I also find it useful to remember a little bit of advice we were given when we got married. A kind, and much older, family friend said that there would be many occasions when there would be choices to be made. We were told that some decisions would be easy and some hard but once we had made our decision to stick to it and forget about the other choices. We were to forget about all the "what ifs", they had gone and worrying about them would only leave us feeling discontented. It hasn't always been easy sticking to her advice but it has helped.

Better to be average within an elite than elite in a setting of average, surely? Averageness providing something to strive for, and also a grounding which prevents complacency.

Of course all parents worry, and some of the parents on here have far less need to worry than they are: if your kids are healthy, happy, thriving and enjoying what they do, then the only thing left to hope for them is that they can also find fulfilling careers and relationships to round things off, surely? Anything more than that is bonus, and if you don't expect it as a matter of course, then it is all the more pleasurable when it comes your child's way. All I'd suggest is - gauge on how the child seems to be faring. If thriving, let them carry on, if struggling, rethink, and if necessary, think out of the box.

In a lot of ways my parents left me (not literally) to get on with my own life and find my own path from an early age.

From an early age I also knew I didn't want a "mainstream" job and was never going to be forced to go and get a corporate job, either. Some would say I've wasted some of my opportunity - I was capable of doing most subjects and could well have ended up in a "high flying" career.

Instead, I work for myself doing numerous things - music, refurbishing musical instruments, teaching, playing with classic cars. Basically, I "do" things that I love doing all day long and make a bit of cash while I'm at it. It pays for a house and a niceish lifestyle. I've worked out once I've built up to where I want to be I'll be earning around ?80,000 per year out of doing what I want. If I choose to have children I'll beable to be there for them and not have to work things around bosses at work. OK, I'll have to work round work but thats a different matter.

What I'm trying to say is stop planning your childs life for them, do your best and allow them to follow their dreams but don't try to push them into dreams they may not have. If you have an intelligent child they will find their own way and will find something they love doing.

It was his plan to go to Purcell, he decided to audition when his teacher mentioned it and I worked hard to put him off. I spoke to a few parents at the double reed day the other day and their kids all want to go to Purcell now but the parents are refusing. During the audition I showed him other normal schools with exciting facilities to entice him away but he has been dead set. He flunked the entry tests to both which has left me wondering if he did it on purpose as he is top of his class and has a high IQ. He also told me last year he intended to fail the Eton test! So I don't have a plan but his teachers seem to have a plan and that affects me on a stressful level as I don't like the angst that competitions, performances and exams bring.

I don't get why your getting worked up about it then? Your son has some direction which is more than what can be said for most kids!

Competitions, performances and exams are all a part of being a musician. Why are you getting stressed about it? If he wants to do it - let him and just enjoy the ride

I remember my parents used to love watching me perform in orchestras and weren't stressed about me doing so. Whats the worst that could happen - he makes a mistake. Fact - EVERYONE makes mistakes, sometimes big ones, sometimes small ones.

Stop worrying it sounds like you are very lucky to have a small boy who knows were he wants to be at this moment in him life - that in itself is fantastic

I'm not really worried about him, I'm worried about me!

The great thing is, if it all goes pear-shaped you can tell him it's his fault as he made all the choices and thwarted your every attempt to get him to do something else. Yes!

I am putting this comment on my early morning alarm clock!

Gawd, you don't want to hear me first thing in the morning, I can promise you!

I'll record it in the 1950's BBC News presenter voice to add a touch of pomposity!