Don't cry, diapason. I'm sure the uniform wouldn't suit you anyway.

arggh. nothing special, just very down and incapable/unwilling/not going to attempt to do anything constructive. i just want to be in bed, unconscious, all day and all night.

That doesn't seem right, the shelf packing wages. Based on the Sainsburys rate its more like 12K ! I can't think any supermarket could afford to pay someone that much more than one of its rivals...

i know people can't reply to every post in every thread in every forum every day, but is it too much to ask that somebody/anybody/any, any body replies to a post in this thread when it is clear the poster is very down? or am i looking in the wrong place for a word of company? many of the posts in this thread seem to be about very mundane issues. does this mean that when somebody is extremely down and possibly suicidal they must shut up because this is a light-hearted sort of forum? is this an "offensive, abusive or aggressive" post? most probably. but i don't care, because i'm damn well sick of being ignored when i am looking for acknowledgement or a kind word in the only place i can. believe me, i have tried other places. and guess what? nobody replies. i'm beginning to doubt my own existence.

Well, I'm sorry you're feeling down, benson

But sometimes people don't know what to say, or some would feel it would be inappropriate. In any case, many people don't check the cafe or are just skimming posts because they are busy.

I have to disagree about mundane issues bit - yes, as someone else reading them, it might appear trivial, but to the person involved, it might be upsetting/stressful/not pleasant. It might lead to people thinking "I want to get this off my chest, but is it 'bad' enough...".

I am pretty sure that people are not ignoring you.

Are you able to speak to anyone offline about this?

PM me if you'd like to talk about it.

Oh dear, sorry benson. I was just going to have a rant about my rotten week when it looks as if you have an an even worse one. Please don't feel ignored. I think the thing is this thread is more about letting off steam than anything else. Anyway, I hope you are feeling a bit more positive now. We do all get really down at times but there has to be a silver lining somewhere. Perhaps you should tell us what the problem is? someone might then have a helpful suggestion.

Here goes with my rant: I was told that my hours at the primary school / lycée will be cut as from next Christmas. I currently do two and a half days and this is to be cut to half a day. I am assured they want to keep me but there isn't any money. I am aware of the financial situation and have to accept that they are largely being honest in what they say. My instrumental teaching is part time and the net result is that I lose half my salary. I can't afford it and I have to find a solution.

Second part of rant: the nursery helper was off sick on Friday and the rest of the school on a trip to Lourdes. I had 17 two to six year olds ALL day, single handed, including preparing a "picnic" lunch with them as there was no canteen. That was followed by three hours instrumental teaching and I got home after a 12 hour day to find my partner in bed with a high temperature. I'm knackered!

sorry for the outburst. i know everybody has problems and everybody has bad times and i;m not trying to devalue them. just don't know what to do, and don't know how to express myself without sounding ridiculously sentimental and melodramatic.

Well, writing anything down might help:)



That's a shame Aquarelle. Are there any other schools nearby? It seems a lot to reduce from 2.5 days to half a day

Oh goodness, you must have been exhausted! Hope your partner improves

I hope things get better for everyone soon.

I don't think anyone should feel that they shouldn't post either because their complaint might be regarded as trivial or because it could theoretically be something quite serious. I know there are times when I can be as saddened by a sarcastic comment from someone as I would be if something major had happened. If it matters to you then it is important, but like Nicki said, sometimes people don't know what to say. There are other places available to those who could do with someone to talk to, and I know it's not easy to make the first step Benson. If you feel as bad as your post suggests then I really think you should talk to someone in the know.

On the other hand, we've PMed before and feel free to do so again. I hope you can feel better soon.

I hope things work out for you too, Aquarelle, and that your partner is well again soon.

I think one reason people don't reply to your posts is that you don't really say what is the matter. Human beings need one another, and I'm sure what you most need are friends to be with and to talk to - but no-one can give you that via a forum! We will try to respond if you share your problems with us, though.

Once you've got very down and depressed it can be hard to feel positive about life again. I've had two periods of clinical depression (but have been OK for 20 years now), and I remember with absolute horror how black everything can look and how hard it is to believe that life will ever be good again. But it will be good for you again - try to think of your current position as something which is sure to pass in time, and then try to ignore it and get on with the things you should be doing.

Hope that doesn't sound too harsh. If you're feeling really bad, do visit your doctor and get some medication. It isn't the answer to your problems, but it might help in the short term.

as i said before:
i know everybody has problems and everybody has bad times and i;m not trying to devalue them.

it just seems that everybody seems more than willing to commiserate about bad weather, broken office equipment, shopping problems, timing problems and things that happen every day, but nobody can offer even one word to somebody who really needs it - because they just happen to have nobody else to turn to.

But it's easier for most people to relate to, for example, 'I had to wait so long in the chemist today' because we've all been there and been annoyed by it. Not everyone knows how isolating depression or even just feeling really down (because as you know, there is a huge difference) can be.

benson - I'm really sorry to read that you feel you have nobody to turn to. That's not a nice situation at all.

Sometimes words seem inadequate, and perhaps that's why it can be difficult to know what to say.

But I'm sorry if you feel you have been ignored. I'm sure that's not the intention at all. I hope this week turns out to be brighter and the clouds start to lift - which they will do, as Berkshire mum said.

Do please let us know how it's going.

this is what is the matter, then: i don't care about anything. i want to be unconscious and in bed all the time. it takes copious amounts of sugar to keep my mood above the bottom of everything. i seem to have lost all my friends, as they all have new friends while i don't want to make new friends. i hate my father for no logical reason and don't really care that there is no logical reason to it. i am almost estranged from my brother because i don't get on with him. i have been at school for twelve years and hated every minute of it. i am sick of working for no reason and there is nothing in this world i want to do. unfortunately i don't have the courage or stupidity to do anything except try to stay out of the world. and listen to all my friends complain about their boyfriend/girlfriend troubles, their work, their lack of sleep, how they mess everything up. this isn't a "oooh now i'm at university i'm young and helpless and miserable and trying to adjust help me" thing, because i have had periods of depression/anxiety/panic attacks/delusions (from what i have read about mental health issues i think i can make that judgment) since i was about twelve. the last period of misery before this one was in january; before that: last easter holidays, last january... and before that i lose track. during these periods i don't have any desire to come out the other side again, because i only come out to a neutral mood anyway. and i'm afraid it is impossible to ignore. you try practising for hours a day on no motivation apart from trying to get to the next time you can sleep. i shouldn't be burdening anybody with this, i know. and i know this isn't a forum for discussions or support for those with mental health issues. i have tried those forums too, and all i got was: see a doctor/get rid of your "friends"/take a break. if i see a doctor i have to psych myself up to do so and probably write everything down because i'll end up not speaking at all. if i get rid of any friends i will never have any friends again. if i take a break i will be barred from writing exams and so fail the year and be in an even more useless place.

that is all that is the matter. i just didn't put it down the first time because it is really not the sort of thing people want to read.

. Benson, perhaps you could print off what you've just written and show it to someone? Maybe your doctor, one of your teachers or just someone you can trust. As much as we would like to help you, letters on an internet forum can't help you People around you can and will, if they know that you need help.

Another thing to consider, benson, is that it's so easy to hide how you really feel when writing. I know there are people on this forum, and hundreds of others too, who are not as happy as their posts might make out. It's very easy to click in that little box on the left and appear to be smiling. (By the way, I'm not actually smiling...)

I don't know enough to help you, but I wish I could because I can relate to what you're saying in quite a few ways. I've posted here before about some things but decided recently that this wasn't the place. I'm not saying you shouldn't if you feel you need somewhere to air things but I stopped because it was only making me feel worse, and I have some pretty good friends here who (whom?) I know I can ask for advice privately.

Bearing my first paragraph in mind, do you know how many of us might have tried 'practising for hours a day on no motivation apart from trying to get to the next time you can sleep'?

I probably sound condescending and I have no right to but I really want you to understand where I'm coming from! People do care, but words can have so little meaning. (I can't believe I just wrote that - I love words).

About your friends - Most of mine don't know how to act around me when I'm anything other than bright and chirpy. Most of them go as far as to say 'Why are you being so cynical/pessimistic/negative/###### annoying?!' but don't wait for an answer. I think they might be more understanding if they knew exactly how you felt.

Benson, I'm so sorry that you feel so black about everything. Of course it doesn't make pleasant reading, but if it's helped you to write it all down, it can only be a good thing.

I actually think that what you should now do is to print off exactly what you've typed, and show it to your parents. I'd also encourage you to make an appointment with your doctor and take it along to show him/her. Unless those who love you know how you really feel, how can they help you? And your doctor is the best person to decide whether medication or counselling would help.

I'm sure your friends haven't really gone at all - they probably just aren't sure how to be friendly with you at the moment, as you do sound very negative about life. Part of the depression is this feeling that there's no real point in getting better anyway, but do try to ignore that and help yourself.

from the end to beginning:
my friends don't know how i feel. if i say anything they ask what's wrong as an afterthought. i have just born the brunt of a friend's misery about something that happened to her years ago and which she hasn't told anybody else. not exactly my dream week.

if words have so little meaning, why do people talk? why am i advised to talk to somebody when words have so little meaning? or is talking to somebody just the step into medicated neutrality? i don't want to take anti-depressants, because i know how addictive they can be. my sister has been on them for years, as has my brother. and if i have to take medication to stay happy i would rather take something that makes me over the moon.

i know all musicians battle with motivation and practising a lot. i just happen to be doing a music degree in which missing one rehearsal without a doctor's certificate means failing the year. my teacher thinks there's something wrong with me/i'm weird/i don't speak at all, ever and i almost throw up before every lesson (which is tomorrow, incidentally).

i also know that a great number of people are depressed and miserable and hide their feelings. i find it impossible to hide my feelings all the damn time. if people posted about being very miserable or depressed i would respond, because i can sympathise. i have a friend who shows everybody a happy face - except me. i am her confidant, and it is a damn hard job. i just have to be there when she's down and then disappear when she's happy again. so i get it that people are down.



it hasn't helped to write it down, because writing it down doesn't solve anything. i know i'm being ###### selfish and idiotic and repulsive but at this moment i can't help it. my friends don't see me. they are somewhere else with new friends.

I've probably misinterpreted some of what you've written but please don't direct your anger at me.

I meant written words, not spoken ones. I can write this sentence, edit it multiple times before I post it and then change it again if I'm still not sure it's right. When I say something it's got to be right the first time.

I'm glad your friend has found a confidant, you should be pleased that she feels she can trust you. Doesn't her unhappiness ever make you think you should maybe be a little more grateful about things? I'm not saying you should be - I don't know you or anything about you - but I know that when my friends confide in me about various things it can put my own situation into perspective.

If depression runs in your family, even more reason to seek help. I'm reluctant to post my own experiences with this because as I said before, I don't think this is the place for me to do that.

Yes, I agree, and I am sure that whichever university you're at has some provision available to help you through this. They are there to help.

Its the way words are said and so on which makes them have meaning. Like music - without meaning behind it it is just a bunch of sounds.

Your teacher has noticed theres something wrong... If you told her what it was, I'm sure she would be able to help you. If you need to get a doctors certificate for the rehearsal, then do. Your health is more important than a year of a degree - you can repeat the year but it'll be harder to pick up the pieces the longer you leave getting help

Why did you decide to take a music degree? Surely when you choose the course and your University accepted you you had a lot of motivation. Could you find that motivation again?

Also, if you get it on record that your health is suffering, they might be more leniant if you have to miss something. By saying nothing, they might presume that everything is ok and you're just missing rehearsals because you're lazy or something./

i know i'm being ###### selfish and idiotic and repulsive

no, I don't think you are.

Nicki may have a point about letting people know. Is there any chance you could talk to your teacher tomorrow?

what if i can only rely on written words to communicate my problems? does that lessen the meaning of the issue? it sounded as though my anger was directed at you because it was. i did find your post very condescending.

i also find this very patronising: that i must be grateful to be a confidant of somebody. that my problems could be put into a perspective and made to seem less terrible because she tells me all of her problems. i have the same sort of things that i thought about - the sort of debates she has told me she has had - but these i do not find depressing, because they are completely detached from myself. every time she has a tough week she moans to me and to nobody else. frankly i am sick of providing comfort and trying to think up different kind words when i would like nothing better than to be non-existent. there are things in my life which still make me very sick to think about, but i haven't burdened people with them. these are secret things that are not going to be told. if all you are going to do is remind me of how i am not alone in feeling down, i shall no longer bother coming here for anything.

and to everybody who has suggested going to get help: i am planning to do that as soon as possible. thanks for taking notice.

I can't say I've had experience, but I would imagine that getting help is the hardest step.

I think you are directing your frustration at the wrong people. If you are expected professional counselling from forum members that just isn't going to happen. All miss ross could do was to try and offer some advice and comfort, but none of us are miracle workers.

When she says you are not alone in feeling down she is right. I've battled severe depression before so I know what it feels like, and so do many others. Words from strangers can be a comfort but not a permanent solution. It is an illness that needs treated and proper medical advice should be sought.

I hope you feel better soon.

Find me condescending then. I find the fact that you were annoyed because nobody replied to your posts offensive.

I don't even know why I'm replying to this. This discussion has revealed a side of new side to me that I'm not particularly fond of. I apologise to those of you I have probably offended but benson, ignore everything I've said. I know nothing about depression, I only fight it myself.

'if all you are going to do is remind me of how i am not alone in feeling down, i shall no longer bother coming here for anything.' But you're not! For goodness sake, why can't you see that?! There are thousands of university students out there who might feel the same way as you and could help you. Of course, if you want to be alone, and believe that only you can feel how you are feeling, fine.

believe me: i have directed frustration and anger at all the people i know. i'm not expecting professional counselling. miss ross, however, sounds as though she is trying to offer professional counselling by trying to talk me out of something instead of just accepting that from such a distance there is nothing constructive one can say. i know, i know, i know, i know how the whole ######ing world is suffering and everybody is miserable and depressed. I LIVE WITH AT LEAST THREE OF THEM AND HAVE AT LEAST THREE MORE FOR FRIENDS. i am sick of being patronised and condescended to. i know that half the people here have the "been there, done that" t-shirt, but i bet they didn't have to beg for a response, only to get reminders to be grateful and count their blessings and remember the other people who are also down.

Judge me as you wish, benson. Believe me, I'm beyond caring now. I was not trying to offer professional counselling, everything I said was taken from my own experiences which I am now certain are worlds apart from your own.

offensive, because i don't really come on here enough to merit any response? if you fight depression yourself i am more than happy to offer support or advice if you ask. except i am not about to jump straight in with: don't feel too bad because you're not so badly off. if you really want to know: i would like to be alone. i would like to be alone on the earth with nobody else, because then i would feel absolutely nothing to stop me from topping myself. if you are down because you suffer from depression and don't believe that anybody could feel as you do and could do with a bit of sympathy - that's fine. this doesn't belong here anyway.


i am not judging you. i just resent your reminders of how i should be grateful and rational when i have passed that stage. so have i just plunged you into a depressive episode? apologies. so are you saying that in your world nobody ever allowed you to be so demanding, selfish and thoughtless as to say the things i've just said? you didn't have the luxury of indulging in your misery to such a ridiculous degree?

benson, I'm really sorry that the world looks so black to you at the moment. As others have said, it's very difficult to know how best to respond and maybe that's why people haven't responded up to now. People *have* now responded, but not in a way that you find helpful. It's virtually impossible for anybody here to know what you would find helpful because none of us know you. At the risk of offering yet more unwelcome advice, I can only urge you to break the cycle of despair that you're in by confiding in somebody who *can* help you. Until you break that cycle, you cannot begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you will get there more quickly if you find someone to help you - preferably your doctor, or failing that, talk to a professional group like the Samaritans if you have something similar in your country. You've said that other people have given you that advice but you haven't taken it. There is no better advice to give, I'm afraid. If you want to stop feeling such despair, then that's the best way forward. It may take quite a time for you to feel as life is worth living again, but anything worth having takes a long time, like learning an instrument. Nothing worth having comes easily. I wish you well, benson, and I'm sorry if this response has been the wrong thing to say too.

I didn't realise you had passed that stage. I should have known.

I'm going to leave this thread now because it's apparent that I have done more harm than good. I shan't answer your questions, benson, because the answers will have no bearing on anything. Perhaps at some point we could have a rational discussion about this because the bad feeling which has amounted isn't going to help anyone.

Please, please benson, go and get some real help. And if the first door on which you knock doesn't provide the answer, try to find the strength to try again. There has recently been a campaign on television here, helping people to recognise the symptoms of depression and encouraging them to go and talk to their doctor.
I am very fortunate in that I have the kind of temperament that usually bounces back but I have met people who can't and I don't think it's anything to feel ashamed of. Some forms of depression have physical causes and others seem to be the result of difficult life experiences. But whatever, the medical profession should be able to help. That's their job.

If you do manage to get some relief please tell us about it - it might help someone else.

This is going to seem terribly trivial compared to how others are feeling at the moment, but I feel I have to post this...

MSN

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Why won't you work properly???????

I can't play the pieces for my recital!!!! ARGH!!

Today wasn't too great...

This morning i was still extremely jet-lagged (hadn't really slept properly, then didn't really appreciate getting up at what was effectively 2 in the morning )

Then got to college to find they'd started a major new topic and the lesson was building on the stuff i'd missed and noone was planning on letting on to me what they'd learnt, so spent an hour staring blankly at the board and trying not to fall asleep.

2nd lesson i had free, so had planned to sit quietly with my book, or have a bit of a snooze, but no, we had a long and boring assembly on choices for next year...

By the time it got to physics, i really wasn't in the best of moods...then the teacher announced that we had a test (baring in mind they were most likely warned about it in the lesson on Monday, and i hadn't even looked at the stuff it was on for about 2 weeks) So that didn't go too well...

Get home to find that my brother's in a mood with my mum about something vaguely guitar-related, and in an act of rebellion decided to walk home from school (at least 3 miles along country roads with fast cars). So i had to go off on my bike to find him...grrrr

Having not gone near a piano or recorder for a week and a bit, they've both gone from being good, to not great...

so basically, today's not been too wonderful ... hopefully things pick up a bit tomorrow!

that's some day you've had! better luck with tomorrow.

Nasty! Tomorrow should be better, most of the jet lag should be gone by then

And again.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

msn again? good luck...

eeeeeeeeeeeeeek! today i was "practising" (ahem) in the practice rooms, when i heard my teacher screaming and banging on the desk... from a floor above. and the practice rooms are soundproof. so instead of letting that get me practising for my lesson tomorrow, i sat around with a churning stomach and played with a friend's penknife.

Steady benson..are you ok now?

yep. don't worry... i'm too petrified of pain to even consider anything un-ok. i won't even have blood taken, so...

Ok..Pm if you need to

...my teacher doesn't realise that I'm really unhappy at not being able to practise properly for several days and thinks that I'm just using being away as an excuse not to practise

But you know you'll get back into it. Hope you feel better soon.

Skylark

ARGH

I have 4 extra girls here tonight.... I'm a glutton for punishment.... but youngest can't do many sleepovers in term time as she has gym on fri and sat nights and music club Sat am tc.... so I let her catch up in the hols... only gym carries on in the hols... so she has lots of friends together..... but today they are from different years and the girls are falling out. My daughter just stropped off upstairs, leaving the others behind.... the yr 6 girl is being mean to the yr 3 girl.... My other 2 children have just gone back to school so they need their sleep. Thankfully I live in a big house... but why oh why do I agree to these things...?
Also due to stupid easter hols and children at different schools, this is the 4th week I've had one of my children off school.....

Thank you Flossy and Soph15, I really needed a virtual hug! I guess it's just withdrawal symptoms with not being able to play properly for days

Are you both OK?

Confused would describe me again