Actually you did this thread a favour. It lightened the load. Cancer is heavy stuff, and I'm there for Flobiano, however I'm sure we all want something on the irritant level to deal with too whether it is car trouble of mis-matched socks.

I know you love your cars Pixie and the Jag is not going to be this time. However thanks to bringing us back to triviality. (relatively speaking).

My emergency was anaphalaxis last Thursday. It was life threatening... it is now over until the next time. However I still want to hear about flooded dishwashers and broken cookers and waiting in for parcels that don't turn up as these minor irritations still are just that... Irritations.

just had the week from H*ll! Must equate with the worst week of my entire life so far .....

I can't elaborate. Too close to the bone but needed to just scream here

AaaaaaaaAAAAaaaAAaaaAAAaaAAAAAAaaaaAAAGGGGGGGggGGggGGgGGggHhHHHhhHHHHHHHH!

Sorry to hear that. Hope it all comes right tomorrow.

I have just been to the bank. I find a prissy little notice fixed to a grill replacing the entrance informing me that they have the pleasure of serving me better by closing in the afternoon and that afternoon customers will now have to make an appointment. We are left with the cash withdrawal and the deposit machines in the outer porch. I was not the only customer fuming with rage at their impertinence. Several people were there with small ? but important to them ? queries which did not warrant making an appointment. I can only assume that the banks take us for idiots if they think we will swallow their rubbish about serving us better if they are not there. And I think they have the utmost cheek to cut down on customer services while they rake in billions and tell the world what to do.

An embarassed bank employee finally came out from behind the grill and got a mouthful from several customers. I am sorry he was put in that position as it isn't his fault but I admit to having told him that he soon wouldn't be there even in the afternoon as he also would be replaced by a machine.

Banks rule the world OK. Aaaaaaaaaagghh.

Post deleted - got very confused!

Hope you find your car soon Pixie.

DawnF - very sorry to hear you are having a bad time. Hope things get better soon.

Oh dear. Hope things look up soon.


Also to flobiano and OH.

Sorry to hear this DawnF hope things improve for you soon

and to everyone else who needs one

I thought it magnanimous of Flobiano to acknowledge her need of trivial irritations aswell as the big things. One must remember that a flat tire on the way home from work is as big a hassle as some of the greater problems that we face.

ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR
RRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Had a terribly low day today :-(.

Aw Cyrilla,

Awww Cyrilla... Hope tomorrow is a better, brighter, happier and more positive day (and not so hot!!)

Thinking of everyone else too - especially Flobiano, Dawn F - and Pixie Porsche...

Hoping things look up soon...

Here's a hug for everyone who needs one...

hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Hope everyone who has posted in this thread has a good day tomorrow!

*hugs* for both.

I have a small 'argh' : I STILL can't get completely rid of this cough I've had since the start of the month...

to all that need one - especially DawnF & Flobiano/OH, but also to Pixie, that car will turn up sooner or later for you, and Barry hope you stop coughing very soon x

Mine is small to alot of peoples problems, but it hurts, none the less.
I posted a long one in my masterclass thread, but I got offered some fantastic violin tuition yesterday to fix my tight technique, and got told that I could end up playing in a professional orchestra in Andalucia as all 5 have vacancies for violinists that they can't fill. That is just the dream job I've wanted since I was 8. He didn't know that.

I was so excited and then told OH who promptly said "you have to be kidding - no chance" and then carried on ranting. So that is that, I'm left with dodgy technique and now don't feel like I'm in a position to teach, I'm gutted. Might as well pack up and quit music now. It would be a much quieter homelife....
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Thanks, Dawn.

As for your 'argh', the orchestra opportunities sound like a really good chance for you sometime. Let it lie, and see what happens...

A big hug to you all. So many people here having to deal with such terrible things.... I wish I could send you all some comfort. Stay strong and keep posting, letting off virtual steam has got to be good.
My own problems are miniscule in comparison. Thank you for putting me into perspective!

Is it the extra lessons he objects to or the idea of orchestral playing?

I know my OH can get impatient when music seems to take over everything and it sounds the same in your case but writ large.

Hope you find a way through this; perhaps he feels low on your list of priorities? (Don't know why they get these odd ideas.)

. How dare he! Do what's right for you. He has no right to stop you. In fact he should be pleased for you. If it were me, I'd pack up and go to Spain and let him get on with it! It's a once in a lifetime opportunity. Don't give up your music at all. If he had a similar opportunity, I can't see him letting you stand in his way.

Both! The time investment (even though I've been told 1 hour a day practice, no more, certainly whilst the technical stuff is going on) with 2 lessons a week. I was planning to reduce my working hours slightly more in Sept to give me more teaching/practice time anyway. Plus yes, the orchestra as he thinks they will never see me, that I'd be touring all the time. Kids are 7 & 12 - I think that is the issue more than anything.

I also guess OH doesn't think I can really do it and that it's blarney from the guy. But I don't think he would have said that if he didn't think he could transform my playing - and he teaches at various conservatoires around the world (including Moscow) and plays a strad!! He was keen to say he doesn't like timewasters and is doing this more for the love of music than anything. Trying to up the number of good violinists around here. I would love nothing more than to play without the tension and the nerves!

I'm leaving it a few days but will have to send the tutor an email soon...



LOL I don't have to pack anything as I'm already in Gibraltar! He appears to not have a passion about anything like that so doesn't understand.

He probably thinks you are growing away from the family with your musical interests, and that he will lose you. Sounds like a lot of reassurance and TLC is called for, even though that is the last thing you think he deserves at the moment.

People are often grouchiest when they feel least secure.

True - but also he just likes to be in charge and doesn't like being organised by other people. I haven't changed, I've just reverted to how I used to be, and I think he's not so keen!

And now my lunchtime student (yes, teaching in my lunch from work) has just cancelled with 5 mins notice - and I'd put off 2 other separate one hour students to keep her (rearranged) slot free. Grrrr. Ah well at least I can get some practice done instead.

Sorry about yesterday's but I really felt so awful.

Much, much brighter today, thank goodness!

Hugs to all who need them...

Hugs to all.

Dawn - if you want to play professionally GO FOR IT You should only regret things you haven't done and if your partner holds you back from this, that is awful. You must put yourself first.

As for me more Jag woes .... been to see one this evening - meant to be absolutely beautiful, it was at 10 paces but had a crumbling sill which was full of filler! Thing is I'm not looking at cheap examples! What a load of absolute rubbish there is out there at the moment!

I really don't think that should be that. It's your decision what you do with your life, after all, and if you don't pursue your dreams what's the point of living? Think of yourself 20 years on, with the children grown and gone - won't you regret passing up a chance like this?

If I were you, I'd certainly take the tuition and see what transpires. Of course your children have to be a big priority, but you would not be the only mother playing in a professional orchestra, and others manage. Orchestras don't tour all the time, after all. Your husband has no right to dictate what you can and can't do, and if you carry on and do it anyway what's he going to do about it? At the moment he realises that when he makes a fuss you do less practice, which suits him fine. Teach him that when he makes a fuss it makes no difference, and he'll stop bothering.

Thanks for that - but if I were to do that, then he would leave, and possibly back to the UK. I have thought about it! BUT - if he were to go then I wouldn't be able to afford it, or my singing lessons. The rent is more than I earn presently. And even if I did manage the tuition then I wouldn't be able to do the orchestra because of childcare issues too! My dad is 81, I can't rely on him to be fit and well all the time.

I can't believe how many people there are saying do what you want and ignore your husband. You are quite right Dawn, when you are married you cannot just do what you want. It's about teamwork.

yup - doesn't stop it hurting badly though. Listening to the proms last night was so so difficult, but had to do it for my Dad, and attempt to pretend nothing was wrong.
I can't even log on here in front of him at the moment, he's that cheesed off with everything.

I also agree, that it's teamwork if you are married. But teamwork also says more than one person has to be willing to find an agreement. Maybe there is much more on the way than the problem with music.

I used to ask my husband if it is OK if I practice, when he was at home at that time (he normaly isn't because he works in the evenings and that is the time I am off work and have time to practice). It took a long while to find out more about this. In fact he says it was a hard time for him during the first nine month after I restarted, now it's a pleasure for him to listen to me.
When I was a child, my father used to endlessly repeat a sentence by Willhelm Busch, saying "Music is often disturbing, because it makes sounds!"
I must have taken this very deep in my heart, and this caused me to think my husband will dislike my practicing too. But now I think it was a big mistake to ask him every time if it's OK if I practice, because it's not his oppinion that it is disturbing. Anyway I am still sometimes struggeling with this.
I don't want to say, you do something similar to your husband, Dawn, I just wanted to show, that sometimes things are different than you first think. I am sure, it must have hurt my husband to realise I am looking on him this way.

Just hoping for you, things will sort out soon and you will find an agreement with your husband both[u] of you will be comfortable with.

I can see both sides of the arguement. A marriage is indeed a partnership, the thing is, opportunities like this are so few and far between.

Dawn, I'm so sorry to say this but from this and other posts you have made, your husband doesn't seem to be a very nice person, or if he is, he doesn't seem to think music is important and if it is important to you, you should stand your ground over it.

When your older, aged about 80 and life is slowing down for you and you've got grandchildren etc. Would you like to beable to look back at lots of happy memories playing to a really high standard in a good orchestra?

I understand you have children to care for but where is the husband on this one?? Too many men just seem to leave beinging up children entirely to their wives. Too many men seem to have this unbarerable level of control over their wives, telling them what to do all the time and don't spend enough time helping their wives with keeping the house and looking after children.

However, I do not know anymore than whats been written on this thread, what I'm saying is a partnership is not just for the husbands benefit but for yours too.

I know what you mean, and me being aspie does not help in this area...when this all hit he said he wants me more "in the room" with everyone - and mentioned the fact that even watching TV I'm usually knitting or doing something on the computer. So last night I didn't. I just sat there. And then he got annoyed as I kept falling asleep in the program even though I really wanted to watch it (which is one of the reasons I knit!!). And then he went off into the spare room to sleep.

I don't think I have it wrong. He wants me to scale back the music. I was without it for at least 5 years, missed it badly, and it has simply exploded back out of me after being supressed for so long. He hates me playing in the band because I come in from work 2 nights a week, teach an hour or have my singing lesson, and then go pretty much straight back out. I was playing in another and I've left that one (even though he had agreed to me doing both originally and pushed me to do it) but it has made no difference to him. I am banned from going to any of the band social functions that don't include the kids (our bandmaster is leaving next week for example), which is hard to explain to people without making him sound like an ogre. He likes the idea of me doing a string quartet (think money), but doesn't want me to go out regularly to rehearse and I can guarantee that when the gigs came in he would grump every time too.

Rock..hard place. And here I am, can't concentrate at the job I hate. Sucks.

The thing is he has been grudgingly supporting me, in that I can't complain. He cooks tea so I can go to band, and looks after the kids until bedtime (which is sitting Luke infront of the TV and getting grumpy with Kate needing to do some practice and then sitting down to watch TV). But every rehearsal he hardly ever even says bye - certainly never a "have fun" or "good luck" or anything like that. Oh and I'm never encouraged to talk about the evening. Oh no, that is not a good idea.

He doesn't go out. Sits and faffs on the computer, you tube, or pulling the damn thing apart, or making things so complicated you need to be a rocket scientist to work the thing.

I guess, I may have finally had enough. Oh and his Mum comes to stay in 2 weeks time. Going to be interesting, I think.

Good luck with the mum coming to stay....! I really hope if music is what you want, you go for it.

Just a thought, is there something you enjoy doing together? Perhaps, once a week or something?? Thought being, it could get your husband out of the house and maybe then he'd be more supportive of you going out to rehearse?

I've tried. He doesn't want to - but complains that we don't! We used to go to bike rallies but that was in the UK and there aren't any here (and his bikes seem to be off the road most of the time as they are old). I wanted him to join the bike club here and go out for runs with them, but nope. We used to go to watch live bands in the pub (I used to play in one in the UK) but he doesn't want to any more any time I suggest it. Last weekend I suggested we went out for the day as a family, but no, he didn't want to. So the rest of us had a picnic at the pool instead - he doesn't want to join us there, even after insisting I buy him a season ticket (he hasn't been once all month).

I've suggested hobbies rather than computers (seeing as that is what he does at work) but he isn't interested.

I am out of ideas.

My mother always said I should have married a musician, I'm finally starting to think she was right!

Oh Dawn, you do have my sympathy....many many years ago I was in a relationship that sounds just like yours...musical activities were resented leading to a bad atmosphere at home, so I started to do more and more to escape the house, which led to a worse atmosphere...in the end it all imploded and we split.

But 3 things were significantly different: 1 - we were never actually married; 2 - I was a lot younger (still in my 20s) and 3 - no kids.

This makes your situation more complicated.

And in the end we are all just a bunch of strangers on the internet who have no real idea of the details of your actual relationship, so none of us is qualified to offer advice. Only you can work out what (in the long term) is best for all of you.

But I can offer a and send good vibes your way for whatever transpires.

Very much so...but sometimes people suggest something you haven't done/tried, or a fresh perspective which makes you think. And if nothing else, it helps to be able to spill it to people that actually understand a bit instead of bottling it all up.

Thank you to everyone, I know I would be in a much worse way right now if I wasn't on this forum!

Oh Dawn this is so hard as you seem to have irreconcilable priorities in your life right now. You have responsibilities to your OH and your family which should never be underestimated, but you also have the opportunity of a lifetime that calls you.

I am hoping you can find a compromise rather than one or the other decision. There are big regrets in choosing either over the other, and being able to support your children must be the no 1 whatever you decide to do. I know it sounds like it would be difficult to sit down with OH right now and discuss this, you may have to wait until the time feels right, but I think this is what you must do - but when you do be prepared to give something up in order to gain a foothold into the life you aspire to, so that it is clear you are compromising for the sale of the relationship and the family. For example maybe if you had the lessons and gave up the bands, then you would not be taking on additional time commitments at the moment, and then put the orchestra on the back burner for maybe 5 years or so (sounds like a long time I know) by which time your children would be older and not so dependent, your technique will have improved in leaps and bounds, and your relationship will have had longer to either cement or crumble and you would not feel that you had been the instigator of anything drastic.

Whatever you decide, think of them as different decisions, not right or wrong decisions. Once made you can have no idea what would have actually happened if you had taken the other one, so no regrets!

Hi Dawn,

just an idea from my side. I am a Geek too and sometimes it already has been an issue between huby and me too. Maybe you can try to gain some interest in what he is doing with the computer. I know, it is his job and thatfor hard to understand that he likes to sit at the computer when he is off work too, but it seems to be very important for him. I'm sure it is not easy, but maybe it will help to show interest in this.
Beside that I still think it's not OK, that he tries to rule what you are doing or not.
And it sounds a bit like he's jealous if you spend time with other people. The good thing is, you seem to be very important for him and he seems to fear loosing you.
If I where you, I would think about leaving him, the way he treats you. Somehow he seems to work hard on what he don't want to happen (I impute he doesn't do this deliberate).

I know that being aspie makes things even more complicated, but there is no reason to feel guilty for that, because it is not your choice. And maybe as an aspie music is even more important for you, 'cause it's a good way to express yourself.

and a big bunch of good vibes to you from here.

Thanks! Mmm problem I have is: the band is essential as it is paid and so actually helps fund my and kate's lessons. I have already given up the volunteer band 2 months ago.

OH earns alot more than me but wants me to contribute equally - which needs me to get paid for teaching and playing as I reduced my work hours to enable me to start building up the musical career - this is what he said to go for. He was talking about me reducing job hours more to enable me to teach more! But to do this I now feel like I really need the technique lessons too, and the singing lessons to continue to enable me to teach that - although I could drop them to fortnightly. Here in Gib you need many strings to the bow!

I would be fine with putting the orchestra thing on hold - so long as I'm working towards it as yes, my technique should just get better and better - but I'm 40 and if I'm going to do it I can't put it off too long.

Dawn, you're getting lots of advice from the heart here and I having nothing to add to it, but I just wanted to send

Dawn - is there any way in which your OH could see this opportunity as an investment in your future? The expert tuition you would receive plus the opportunities as a professional musician would increase your earning potential as a teacher. There would be an opportunity for OH to help you in perhaps designing and maintaining a website for you to attract more pupils?

I do understand that marriage is about teamwork but it's also about compromise and wanting the very best for those you love. My OH doesn't really understand why music is so important to me, just as he doesn't understand why I would be willing to take a kicking from a horse and why I don't understand his need to go around chopping and fixing things or to watch the same tv programme. But I do understand it makes him happy and I wouldn't prevent him from doing something that would fulfil the dream of a lifetime.

I may be completely off track and please feel free to completely ignore this, but I get the feeling OH is very insecure about your musical career. I can't even begin to understand how difficult this is for you, but if you were to miss this golden opportunity, would you end up resenting your OH?

Is there any possibility that a possible compromise would be to come to sort some of agreement to try this path for a year or so.

I do hope that you get the chance to follow your dream.

Exactly. I would do the same.



And yes, I think I will end up resenting him for it. I do already....I feel I at least need the chance at this.

He thinks it won't happen, that I won't see it through. I have already said that I feel I need the tuition to give me confidence in my playing and teaching to him even if I didn't do the orchestra and he just scoffed at it. Made snide comments about my singing ("wasn't that supposed to be another life long dream?") well I think he expects things to happen overnight. Ive gone from no proper technique, through grade 8 and then to dip (whether I pass or not) in a year's singing lessons through sheer hard work, not helped by him grumbling at me practicing. I would be doing a lot more practicing if he wasn't around. I've explained I need to train more if I'm to teach, to be mentored by my teacher. I think he really has no idea, but won't listen either.

I've done virtually no violin or flute/piccolo practice at home in the last 6 months, despite really needing to for progression/security in the band and he grumbles if he ever sees me sitting at my piano - even with the headphones on.

He won't listen at the moment. Hardly will speak a word to me except to snipe or comment/grump. I'm seriously thinking about suggesting I take a different week's holiday (or don't bother) as the thought of being around him and his Mum everyday for 10 days like this will drive me crazy. We aren't going anywhere so I could. I could use the extra holiday days. I'm leaving it at the moment to see if it settles.

It's fraught enough getting involved with relationship problems of people that you do know, as opposed to those of an anonymous forum poster. But I will just say that if someone were to try to stop me going to a bandmaster's leaving do social, without a really good reason, that would set more than a few alarm bells ringing. Can't offer any useful advice beyond that, but good luck in whatever you decide to do. And trust your gut instinct - wish I'd listened more carefully to mine on many a previous occasion

Many hugs to you Dawn - sounds like a very difficult situation.

Aaargh childrens holiday club prep in a group where out of four leaders I'm the only one that's done it before. Trying to get the other three to listen to the voice of experience whilst trying not to dominate too much (as I'm not even the main leader) didn't really work......

Pretty difficult to keep it in balance. All the best for you.

Best of luck!! They'll learn...the easy way or the hard way

Just want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who has commented or just sent hugs etc to me over the last few days. Every one of them has been appreciated and needed, and glad to say I'm feeling a bit better. Things have calmed down (although anything to do with music is still a taboo subject) but at least hubs is now not biting my head off every other minute. Still don't know what to do about everything, but I'm letting sleeping dogs lie for a little while.

I my teacher, who is also now a great friend. I had my lesson last night, and went in feeling very apprehensive as I hadn't practiced all week. He knew something was up, I ended up spilling the lot to him, and then he went on to pick the perfect pieces to make me feel better (including Piangero, full of sadness and then anger and swearing revenge!!). He made me laugh for the first time this week and nearly cry. I love music, and one thing is now for certain after that experience, I will never live without it again.

Hearty thanks to you all xxx

Well just an update for all...we were watching the proms on TV last night, and out of the blue he said I can go do it all, but with a caveat...that I give up my day job at the beginning.

I nearly fainted.

But I have to (quickly) earn enough a month to cover my lessons in everything and my 1/3 of our rents (which is ?400 without lessons ) but in return i get to treat it like a degree and actually have time to do an hour's practice + on each instrument during the day. He understands that the teaching has to happen 3.30-6, and expects me to continue at the band as that is solid income, and get on with the string quartet.

He is also expecting me to expand on that income.

Somebody pinch me! I could hardly sleep last night.
Scarey too, though....lots of things to think about/do before I jump, including another talk with the teacher to be sure it was for real

Thanks again, everyone. I hadn't said another word about anything to him, and it just goes to show they can sometimes really suprise us.

Dawn that is absolutely wonderful news - I am so, so happy for you.

I truly wish you well on your path to making your dream come true - it is meant to be x