Hi guys,

I've got a fried who suffers from anorexia. She has her first hospital appointment on Monday, but she looks really ill. I was wondering if any of you have or had friends who have suffered from the disorder and wondering whether you could give me any tips on supporting her on getting through it. As yet she won't admit she has a problem which is hard, but is there anything I can say/do to help her get better?

Thanks,

Lizzie

I've been on the verge of it, I think I still may be on the verge of it now

Lizzie, I know of some who had anorexia. We (my family and I) helped her through it by being there as a shoulder-to-cry-on, and it helped her knowing there were people there to help and support her if anything was upsetting her.

Ceri

How long did it take her to recover from it? And was she hospitalised at all?

Really sorry to hear about your friend. . PM me if you would like to - I've been there (a long time ago now), but it's not something you ever forget

Several of my students have suffered from anorexia. One was particularly ill and in hospital for several months at a time. As long as she knows you are there for her that's the main thing. I hope your friend will be ok!

Don't ignore her if she's not in school, don't treat her like an invalid, don't avoid looking at her, praise tiny accomplishments, coz if you're ill, little things get a lot harder!

Don't make her eat, if she wants to do a diet in the future, say you'll do it with her (even if you don't stick to it while you're at home) and then you can say realistically that what she might try and do isn't good for her.

Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear about your friend. One of my (ex) friends had mild anorexia as well as a few other problems. She had several appointments with our school nurse, which seemed to help. The best ways of supporting her were to let her know that we would help her / be there for her when she needed it, not making a big deal of food and not talking about diets and clothes sizes.

I hope that she recovers soon, PM me if you want to talk.

So was I. I ate hardly anything for about a year when I was 10 following the death of a pet.
I agree with the others. Don't talk about food!

It's more a case of talking/behaving normally about food. It's not normal to avoid the topic of food completely- if you're hungry you say so, & still should, even round that person. But don't make them feel that you're watching them to see what (if anything) they're eating & don't question them about what they've eaten or not. And if they want to talk then please listen

Yes, what I meant was, don't start a topic on 'what you had for breakfast' or stuff like that. I agree it's best to behave as normally as possible around the person.

Is there any way I can help her to realise she has a problem? At the moment she just denies any evidence of a problem. Her dad used to have obsessive compulsive disorder, and I think it's beginning to show in her through her obsessiveness about eating and the calorific content of food. Am I right to feel like this?

She might know she has a problem but be too scared to admit it to herself, let alone anyone else. Not sure about OCD & anorexia - anorexics simply are obsessive about the calorific content of food - they feel that they have to be in control over what they eat. Knowing the calorific content of everything is part of that

I've had 2 relatives suffer from anorexia, and know 3 other people who have it currently.

What you say about her not accepting a problem exists.. that's quite a commen symptom of this particular illness. Also, if someone hads a serious case, its not something that you suffer, and then miraculously recover from.. most people who've suffered continue to have 'anorexic thoughts' lifelong. That doesn't mean that they will continue to suffer from the illness, but that they have a predisposition towards the illness, and often have to battle with these feelings longterm.

Yeah, its like what everyone else has said... be supportive, be there for your friend... don't try and force her to eat or anything.. leave such things to the doctors. Preferably avoid commenting on her figure or appearance in either a positive or negative way.. if she's really obsessive, then even commenting on clothes can lead someone to think you are judging them... we found jewellery, shoes, accesories, bags, all that sorta stuff was great to comment on, as there was no link with body-image! so your friend won't feel you're being disapproving by never saying anything. (mind youi, if you usually wouldnt notice/comment, then dont change suddenly wither)
Basically, above all... be yourself! If you usually go up and hug her, then do that! If you'ld tease her, or make stupid faces at her, or whatever.. well just be you. Give her that stability

Good luck with all this, and hope she recovers quickly!

I had a close friend who had it badly. She did not admit she had a problem. I was there a shoulder to cry on etc and stood by her through it all. She got through it and is now OK again. Although she may need a shoulder to cry on it might also be very hard for you too so make sure your family know what is going on and try and have a close group of friends who will help you too

xoxoxox

I have a friend who suffered from anorexia. She had it when she was taking the fact that her mum was dying from cancer hard. She went through a stage where she wouldn't eat anything that contained flour. She wouldn't eat anything at school, but would eat at home so that her dad didn't know about it (he still doesn't know about it). She would give away all of her lunch to people who were hungry so that her dad didn't get suspicious of her taking her lunch back home. We just tried to convince her to eat something even if it was a banana, but knew that she would eat at home. We just told her that we were there for her, and even though we hadn't been through what she was going through we would do our best to help her. She got through it, but it took her awhile, but thankfully she never ended up in hospital. I don't think her dad or her little sister would have handled it (she has had to take on so much since the passing of her mum) and her little sister looks up to her so much. I think her dad just wouldn't have known what to do had he found out about it so I think it's a good idea that he never found out.

3 of my friends have suffered anorexia: one is still in hospital.

The girl in hospital is an exceptionally talented violinist...

Another of my friends, rendered infertile by her condition, had been on the stage since the age of four, and stopped eating because some acting job she'd applied for said she needed to lose weight.

The other one is terrified of germs and refuses to eat in case the food contains germs.

I don't understand it, but it's horrible to watch.

I used to do that. I wasn't anorexic though, I was just hyper cautious!

What I don't get, is how come teachers don't notice something going on. It's easy to deceive parents, by just eating breakfast and sayong "oh I had a big lunch" when you don't eat tea, but surely the teachers must be able to see a drop in concentration when they don't eat lunch etc.

Well I think the main reason that my teachers nticed her was because at the beginning of year 10 the school does what is known by students as the "anorexic check". Becky was one of the people called in and so they school hav been on high alert for her ever since. The thing is, that she is so clever that a drop in concentration slightly wouldn't do her any harm, she can still sail through.

I've had anorexia. The best thing any friend can do is NOT to lecture them but to give them all the support you can give.

Anorexia is the worst thing thats ever happened to me. It's the feeling inside that makes you sick and just looking in the mirror just makes you want to die. You start to wonder why you bother living. If it wasn't for my friends and family I'd still be anorexic. My family started taking me to doctors, my aunt thought i was on drugs and i fell into a vortex of depression.

When i tried talking to some of my friends about it they thought i was "fishing" and it really got me down and made me worse. Then she realised how bad i was. Please support your friends with anorexia, I know what it's like and it's horrible. Let her know that you aren't accusing them of anything and tell them that you're there for them if they want to talk.

The friend of mine who had it is also the one that plays 11 instruments. I think loving her music that much and playing that many instruments helped bring her through it. If she was stressed in a class on a day which she had a music lesson she could just say to her teacher, oh I have a music lesson and then go down to the music block. This was especially useful on Wednesdays (her mum died on a Wednesday (whether her breakdowns on a Wednesday had something in common with that I don't know, but they usually happened on a Wednesday)), as she had two strings lessons a Wednesday and her strings teacher also used to be her piano teacher, so she would be allowed out of class and she would go down to the strings room and either get out a cello and start playing it or she would sit down at the piano and just start playing (the teacher never really asked questions, but just let her go for it). It was amazing that really managed to calm her down. One day she had a breakdown and her dad was going to pick her up an hour and a half later or something and take her to a special music program, so she had to find a way to calm down before her dad picked her up to ensure that he didn't find out. She sat on the couch in the PE storage shed (she had PE and her PE teacher was one of the teachers that really helped her through it) and then after awhile of that she went and sat down and played the piano for awhile. Amazingly she had really calmed down by the time her dad picked her up and he was none the wiser. Not sure whether her brother knew, but hey.

strange that, isn't it? i also find that playing the piano calms me down: i don't have any serious problems or anything, just your average blues (overworked underpaid etc) but playing the piano really does seem to help.

i'm glad it helped this girl as well... it seems it can extend to more serious problems too.

I think any type of music helped her during this time. When she would wake up to her mum vomiting she would often listen to music to help her get back to sleep. I do admire her though for how she coped with the situation she was dealt with and how she put it behind her to help other people in their times of need.

I know a girl with anorexia, and what you are all saying is ticking all the boxes - an exceptional musician, but it had been going on for a while and I and another friend had talked to her and asked "was she ok" etc etc and she denied all knowledge of any problem. It came to a head 2 months later (and probably a stone less as well) and she has been diagnosed by a docter and is currently recieving help. My sister's friend has also been diagnosed with anorexia and is also finding it hard to talk to her, considering that this girl sees another of their friends, who is thin but healthy (she's an athlete) as having the perfect figure. In reality she is far thinner that her friend but just cannot see it.

It's just heartbreaking to watch someone doing it to themselves but it's more than just "I won't eat you can't make me", because it's there inside the mind, it's almost something else telling you not to eat. that's the reason why it's so hard to help. I think that it's always been around, but there's such pressure for girls to have "the perfect body" that there has been such a rise

What I found the hardest with my friend was watching her do it to herself, and not being able to help her. I wanted to help her so much but because I knew that there was another issue that wasn't helping with the Anorexia, I knew there wasn't a lot that could be done. I look back now and I think how on earth did she get to the stage where she pulled herself out of it. She has said to me that she had faith in her ability to do it and she said if she didn't let what was happening with her mum get to her then it wouldn't get to her and she would pull herself out of it.

There were so many times when I wanted to talk to someone about it, get some help for her, just something. Some days, I would talk to the person she would talk to when she needed help, just telling her that I was worried about my friend. She would sometimes just talk to her and we figured out that she was okay. One day, I went to the Guidance Officer at school because I was so worried about her. I let him know what was going on (it wasn't just her I was worried about, other people I knew as well) and told him what I knew and that maybe her brother was struggling as well. I asked him to keep an eye on her, he then brought it to the attention of the other teachers (without her knowing about it) so that they could be aware of the situation. BAD MOVE On my behalf. I then told her a couple of days later and that was the stupidest thing I ever did. She then went right off at me and wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day. Then again the timing of telling her wasn't the best, I didn't know it at the time, but her mum had taken a turn for the worst had been admitted to hospital, and subsequently passed away the next day. I now know that it wasn't just that that had made her angry, she was stressed out from what was going on at home, and she has since forgiven me, and I have forgiven her over it, it is no longer a big deal. From then on, I was scared of telling anyone about it, or seeking help for her. I was scared that she would turn again and begin slipping again. I didn't want to see her slide back to where she was before again.

I sometimes see things in her now that I am worried she may not be entirely coping but I no longer know what to do. I no longer attend school, so can no longer entirely monitor the situation, I don't want to ring her and talk to her about it because she will be wary of saying anything about it around her dad. I am totally confused and no longer know what to do. Anyone got any ideas?

Hey, good luck with your friend I hope all goes well.

Thanks, now I am going to bed it's 2:30am here and I have been unable to sleep but now I'm very tired.

Becky had her appointment yet, but nothing is seeming to have come out of it. She still refuses to eat with us or eat when most of us are there, and denies all evidence of a problem. She has told us all that it's because she's supposedly allergic to white flour that she has lost weight because she can't digest her other food properly, but it doesn't make sense. If she knew she couldn't have white flour then why not just have brown flour and stuff to keep her carbs up? Surely the fact that she didn't think of that shows there's something wrong. On the one hand I would like to believe her, but on the other I just can't.

I don't necessarily think it was a bad move. I've just done training to be a class room assistant and we got told that if we got told something like that,we'd have to tell another higher up teacher, who would decide if it was appropriate to tell other teachers. Otherwise, teachers could get accused of neglect or if they don't know the truth, assume that there's some sort of neglect at home. Yes it is annoying having everyine knwing and thinking that they can solve a problem you don't even think you have, and asking if you're ok all the time, treating you like an invalid etc, but it's probably better people know.

Purple Dolphin, you can't make her see she's got something wrong with her. She needs to see that herself. She'll deny it because she doesn't want it to be true, not because she wants to make her friend's life a misery! You obvioulsy understand she has a porblem which is good, but the next bit has to come from her. There is nothing more annoying than people telling you that there's something wrong and stopping you from doing things, and then finding out that they were right after all.It makes you feel small and insignificant for not noticing, and thinking that a lot of people are sat there shaking their heads when you realise, saying "I told you so". Even if people don't do those things, you think that they are!