Hi everyone,

I went to a Voice Workshop recently with other members of my choir, and it was run by a delightful and well respected Vocal Coach/Opera Singer. It was a brilliant day, and I learned so much, and the difference in the sounds we were making at the end compared to the beginning were enormous. Our Choirmaster looked very smiley and happy.

To break up the day a couple of us had volunteered to sing solos, yours truly being one of them.

I'd prepared well beforehand - the chosen song was one which I'd planned to sing in Egham, so no excuses for not enough practising or anything. My family are truly sick of this song!

But..... when it came to the performance, yet again my nerves detracted from what I am capable to delivering. It was rather a diluted performance, and although I tried to look relaxed nevertheless I suspect that I had that bunny-caught-in-the-headlights look on my face. It wasn't dreadful or anything, except I was a bit wavery at the beginning and my breath was working against me rather than for me. But it is so disappointing to not sing to the extent of my capabilities, and what I really need is very regular exposure to performing just so I can get a bit more used to it. I need to be actually out there doing it, I feel, in order to get over this hurdle.

But.... here's problem number two. I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH. The Vocal Coach picked me up on so many innacuracies. I don't dispute any of them. I don't think there was anything that they said that my teacher hasn't already said. I started working on correcting them the very next day, but some I'm still struggling with. The big, big difficulty here though is the awful mental process I went through afterwards. Because the Coach didn't actually say anything good about my performance I feel really useless and unhappy, and questioning will I ever be good enough. I said, jokingly, to my mother that it was a case of deflated ego, but to be honest there's so little ego there to begin with I'm not sure there's enough to deflate! The Coach wasn't horrible or anything, and I agree totally with their comments, so mostly I've just got on with practising the song the way they suggested. But I have gone through a very sad and painful process as well. I'm due to be going to Summer School for the first time this year, and I have to address this problem of lack of confidence/self belief before then. Otherwise I fear I will come out crushed and defeated by the whole process. If one person's criticism leaves me feeling this bad, then goodness only knows what I'll be like after ten of them.

It's a bit weird at the moment. The rational side of me is able to accept the feedback and get on with sorting it, but the emotional side of me is still feeling battered and bruised by the whole thing and very, very unhappy. I feel sort of ashamed that I did the solo, when I'm obviously not good enough. The other soloists got some positive feedback as well as constructive criticism.

Does this make sense to anyone, and has anyone got comments/advice? I don't want to give up singing. I really do want to progress with it. But at the same time, maybe I should just admit to myself that I haven't got what it takes. I don't know, I'm really confused. I hope this isn't coming across as all victimy and pathetic, because that's not what I intended nor do I want. I just need to find a way of taking criticism in a positive way, not as a way of destroying myself. And I'd also like to work out how to get over this nerves wrecking performance thing - well the nerves didn't actually wreck it, but they certainly didn't help.



Amber
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Oh Amber, first have a big hug. Of course it's deflating to volunteer to do something in public, and then have the coach only note the negative. While you may not dispute anything s/he said, I would say that it's very poor teaching practice not to let the person you're working with know what they've done right, as well as what they've done wrong. Particularly when you're in such a vulnerable and exposed position - and giving a solo at such an event IS vulnerable and exposing.

I can really relate to your sense of deflation. I have a lovely teacher, she's just fantastic. But on a day when I've had a bad voice day, I can sometimes walk out of my lesson and cry, because it feels like all I've had is negative feedback. Now, there's a degree to which that's also in the ears that hear the feedback. I have a tendency to pick over negative feedback, and blow it up into something much more powerful than I do positive stuff. (For example, when I get feedback on my lecturers, I don't notice the 97% positive feedback - I'll hone in on the one student that was dissatisfied).

Your voice is so much a part of you. When someone criticises it you feel it, I think, more sharply than you would criticism of, say, piano playing. Because it's so very much an expression of yourself - it comes entirely from your body, your thoughts, your emotions.

Amber, it must have been just nerves - having heard you in a 100% pressure-free environment, you sounded great.

Everyone has off days, and there are people out there who aren't noted for saying kind things about performance. In spite of everything you read on these boards, examiners usually are, so get out your old comments sheets, read through them, count the positive comments then repeat after me "I CAN do it, I CAN do it".

Well, I think you're very brave to have volunteered to sing solo anyway, as hardly anyone else did. I've always thought you had a lovely voice, and I was really sad not to be able to hear you at Egham!
Are you coming to the Forums concert at Leicester?

First of all, big CONGRATULATIONS for doing it. I'm proud of you for volunteering.

Second, as Deborah and Jo have said, you have a lovely voice. Don't let anyone tell you different.

And third, I know you tend to focus on the bad news when people give you feedback. It is good that you've been given suggestions on how to make your song even better. When you come to do your next Grade, you'll knock the examiner's socks off!

Don't be defeated. Your singing is worth more than that. And a Summer School will be a positive experience, I'm sure.

Cheers

Katyjay

Hi Amber, I did a small course based on self-esteem and belief in your own capabilities and although I have fortunately never yet been depressed or suffering from low ego, it really taught me a lot about how our brains work and process information about ourselves. I really can't recommend it highly enough, it would honestly do you the world of good in believing in your own ability (which I haven't experienced first hand, but would love to one day ). Here is a link to their homepage: The Pacific Institute I did the course at 6th Form but I am sure they have some other options to use at home.

I think the problem stems from the fact that you're wounded self-esteem has not been boosted from these comments. Whereas maybe a year ago you would have viewed the comments as constructive, your damaged ego has taken them to be negative and therefore deconstructive. Think about the coach's intentions, do you think he wanted to make you feel that there's no point in you carrying on singing or do you think he wanted to try and help you develop your singing by pointing out a couple of areas that he perhaps thought you had overlooked slightly? If he had realised that your self-esteem is low at the moment, I'm sure he would have been much more upbuilding to show you how good your voice really is.

Anyway I really hope I haven't been to philisophical about it all, I know it's not easy and really genuinely hope that you carry on with your singing, even if it is just as a hobby, but I would really encourage you to look into a Pacific Institute course if you can, it will bring you back the belief and self-esteem that you deserve. *hugs (while no-one is looking, Trebor might get jealous)*

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your kind supportive comments, they have helped me keep a sense of perspective on this. I told my teacher all about it today, and he suggested that I take it as a compliment that the Coach didn't treat me with kid gloves, that they obviously thought I was up to receiving the very blunt direct feedback.

At least if the same sort of thing happens at Summer School I will have been prepared in part for it. Hopefully.....

I'm now going to give this particular song a rest for a bit, or else it won't just be the rest of my family who are sick of it.



Amber
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