Picture the scene - my music room - 13 year old oik with my guitar which I have allowed to borrow - He is taking Grade 2 guitar in a few weeks He has not practiced his scales - his chords - does not know his theory

Mum is sitting there reading a novel
I asked Scrote if he has practiced

Nah he says
Why not I enquire
Dunno he mumbles

I explain forcibly to mum that he will not even pass this time - does he want to carry on playing guitar Mum says she wants to carry on (I suspect it is only regular activity that Scrote carries on that does not involve slobbing or football)

She looks vague - she is a nice woman who is well educated and bringing up two layabouts as his elder brother is even lazier I explain to her that her dragging her son along is a waste of her money and time at present She looks even vaguer

We leave it that he will practice more - she never once asks what he thinks he is doing
Passive or what

One query, Tony, why are you persevering with this young man? What is stopping you from sacking him if he's so dreadful?

I would threaten to withdraw him from the exam if things do not improve. I've done this with one of my own students this term, to hopefully shock her into practising more. If she doesn't, then I will follow my threat through.

I've never sacked a pupil as such - but I have had chats with parents about where we all think lessons are leading (ie nowhere) and asked all concerned to have a good long think about it all.

Will you actually let him take his Grade 2?

Did he take his grade 1?

I think I echo katyjay's question. There's only so long you can go on with uncooperative families!

Don't see how you can stop him if the entry has gone in... after all they paid for it didn't they?

I have a feeling he won't practice (hope I'm wrong) and I think your patience is being seriously tested.

If he does practice more, it's worth keeping your pupil, and you can see what happens in the future. If he doesn't, and the family keep on being uncooperative, I feel it may be time to go your separate ways. Really, there's only so long you can put up with this Tony.

Definately vague!

I give out a form which parents fill in and return along the exam entrance fee. It states that if pupils should fall below the level of expectation required in the run up to the exam that they may risk being withdrawn from the exam - and that they will lose the fee if this happens. Parents happily sign and return this with the money! I only do this through similar experience of your situation.

Good luck - keep us posted!

A

One thought enters my mind: your pupil is 13 and at a notoriously difficult age to get young men, especially, to be vibrant and engaged. What is his mother doing sitting in on his lesson?

I think you are removing all possibility of building your own relationship with him by having his mother there. If he's having a typical "I don't like my parents" phase then, no matter what you do, his guard is not going to drop with her sitting there.

Personally, I'd remove mother, read him the riot act, set him some realistic but focussed targets to achieve by his next lesson and tell him (and his mother) that

(i) you are going to withdraw him from the exam and, if they insist it proceed, it does so without your blessing and on their heads be it and that

(ii) if he doesn't buck his ideas up, you are removing him from your practice.

(iii) I'd get your guitar off him - he doesn't deserve it!

Unless you absolutely have to teach him for the money he provides, I think I'd be looking to shift him unless you see some definite improvement.

I have mum to sit in because he cannot organise to attend lessons on his own and also for my protection. He is a repulsive child and now as soon as half term is over I will be heavily advertising for new pupils and if there is a good response out he goes

Thanks for the support Tony

Couple of questions Tony,,,

Have you got kids of your own?

Are you mistaking laziness for ...he just ain't interested in what you are teaching??

Sorry to be blunt, but sometimes I think we have to look at ourselves, our pupils, what the parents want e.t.c. in a bit more of a give and take way.

Kids aren't bad, they aren't robots and when we expect them to all do the same and want the same...well, then we've lost the plot.

I have put the question to him - do you want to play and he says yes - his mum wants him to as well

I don't have kids and I do not see I should be a parent substitute for his mother who cannot motivate or control him especially as she sits in on every lesson My complaint is not with the child - 13 year old boys are a law unto themselves - my main contention is with the mother who lets it happen and will do nothing

Well, yes, I suppose he is bound to say he wants to learn with his mother sat there!

Of course she won't be able to motivate him, he is a young adult, trying to find out what he wants in life. Sounds to me like it's not fair on you or this child.

As for the mother letting it happen and doing nothing, well, there is one thing she should do and that is to drop the lessons, or drop out of the lessons, so you can form some sort of relationship with the child to find out what he really wants.

Is there any way the mother can sit in another room while he has his lesson? You say he cannot be organised to attend lessons on his own, so mum could still bring him, and then read her novel in another room. Maybe, if mum wasn't sitting in the same room, he wouldn't be so repulsive and, as miochy says, you could start to build up some sort of relationship with him. This doesn't address the protection issue, but I'm afraid I don't know what to do about that, none of my pupils have their parents stay with them.

If he wouldn't manage to get himself to lessons without his mother to bring him it sounds as though he is not very interested.
I wouldn't expect input from a parent at this age to be very useful anyway.... parental interest (seen as interference) could be more of a negative that a positve influence.

Tony, have you quite clearly told parent and child that he will not pass his exam at this rate? Give him a mock exam and give him marks (I have a lesson with exam conditions about 3 weeks before the exam itself, but I don't usually give marks) to make it really plain.

This is a really odd situation - I mean the way the parent is behaving - does she want her son to fail an exam? It's not very good for his self-confidence (nor for your exam statistics). Or is she hoping to use it as some sort of wake-up call?

I have to agree that mother must go I recently asked a parent to stop sitting in because I felt that I wasnt able to build a good relationship with the pupils ( two boys who come together for half an hour each). She resisted but in the end "gave in" and the change has been nothing short of astonishing! We have so much fun in the lessons now, both boys are much more relaxed about how they speak to me and each other without mum there

Give it a go and good luck

It may be worth digging deeper. Ask him more open questions. 'Do you want to play?' forces him into a yes/no answer and 'no' may feel naughty/wrong to him or incur parents dissapproval. Society conditions us that 'yes' is the right answer.

Try asking him about his music 'heroes'. What he thought learning the guitar would be like before he came. What he thinks of a particular style or piece of music. What the pieces remind him of. Why he decided to learn the guitar as oposed to other instruments. In other words discover what his own hot buttons are rather than trying to impose what other people think his motivations should be. You may find he is only doing this to please someone else and has no personal commitment, but maybe all he needs is to be treated as a person and his own motivation will blossom. ( By the way a good laugh and personal annecdotes stop this being an interrogation!)

You will either have your worst fears confirmed or discover a real person waiting to get out and have the satisfaction of seeing him grow up.

I was about this age when I stopped practising although I really wanted to and enjoyed it. But I was just a crazy mixed up kid who wanted someone to care about the fact that I wasn't practising enough, to get to know me.

There is a good article in Music Teacher this month about how we can misunderstand a childs musicianship by not learning about how they listen to music.

That sounds incredibly familiar, as I was the same myself. No idea why, as it seems ridiculous to me now! In retrospect, I needed a firmer hand, I think - as in someone to say, "Wise up, ypu're good at this, you have the potential to do well, now get the finger out, or stop wasting your time." But more important than anything in this type of situation is that the pupil gets the feeling that you care. I am usually a teacher who really can't be bothered with ditherers - so they generally don't dither for long - but teenagers are unique in that the underlying reasons for the dithering can be complicated. They may not say much, but you can rest assured that everything you say is being absorbed in some way or another, and whatever their emotional resonse, it will be intense. It will just be a bottled-up intensity! My instinct in this situation (I've been there) would be to get rid of mum and then go flat out to show him that you care about his progress. You may not get a verbal "thank you", but you will see little flickers that might just generate into genuine focus.

How's this situation going Tony?

Mum has wised up to the fact that the exam is now imminent ie July 9th and is putting pressure on child as she can her exam fee going down the Swanee Kid is football obsessed and truculent but obedient so far

She is a single mum with two oikish boys and heavy work commitments

I'd still try putting "mum" in another room.

Don't dismiss this kid as "repulsive" he may be at time but this kind of attitude colours your perception of him.

What do you think he's going to do in the lesson if "mum" is not there assault you?

I've worked one-on-one with teenage boys and I'm a 4' 11" woman. I've never come to any harm. On their own they are more likely to react as people. the "dunno/ don't care thing" is probably an act for mum and mates. He wants to appear cool. Call his bluff.

Sounds as though boundaries may be missing in this lad's life. His acting out could be seen as a need to test how far he can go. So don't be hesitant to lay down the rules - you'll be doing him a favour in the long run. Good luck with it all.



Amber
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