No problem Addy. I'll get a pole from somewhere. Now where????????????///
Goes off in search of a pole.
May, thinking hard.

Mornin' ladies- 'ow are we this fine day? Well, I got news fer yous twos- there's an 'ole in my Bucket, dear May, dear May!!!

Laters luvvies. Goin' out now. Back after me singin' malarkey. I'll pass on some tips to ya May darlin'.

Cheerio now
Liddy xxxx

Dare we ask what the hole is for dear Liddy dear Liddy
Well Addy, I have the pole and some help to put it up too Red Watch are quite willing to lend us their pole for the May Dance, and all the hunky fire fighters are coming too. How about that then Ladies???
Was May good, or was she brilliant
May.

Hehe May! Ain't tellin' ya sweet! Good fer you gettin' the fire fellas! I'll "look after" the blue watch, you can 'ave red watch and Addy can 'ave no watch at all cos she's got far too many fellas for 'er own good that one 'as, she reely 'as, honest she 'as May.

Well, I'm right disappointed me singin' woz cancelled taday gels. I woz up all night practicin' me breavin' an' everyfink. We'll 'ave ta go to the music 'all so's I can belt out a toon there. Gotta get this frustrayshun out me system. Ain't that right gels? Yous bofe a paira divas so's ya get what I'm talkin' abaht ay? Maybe we can do a treeo type fingy. I gotta new number fer the Weddings Orf do- "'E may be a big old fireman, but 'e's got a slippery pole". Salright innit gels?

Come on then- let's get ready to hit the tahn ladies..

Stroof- that's the first time in ages ya ain't 'ad nuffink ta say,ay May, ain't that so May?

Well, I spent me time bein' right clever darlins. I bin rahnd the tahn and I kidnapped all the fellas what call themselves "Morris". I gave 'em all some a Tiddles collars wiv the bells on and a loada Berts dirty old 'ankies. They gonna come an' do a jig or summink at the Weddings Orf fiasco party. Good innit?

I fahnd an' old crutch (from the hospital May ) an' I bin chargin' up an' dahn the back yard jabbin' it at a pilla on the washin' line. I fancy avin' a go at that joustin' business. Gonna see if I can send Rusty and Harry flyin'. I 'ad a collander fing on me 'ead an' all. Looked just like Rustys 'elmet it did!! Cor this gets better don't it gels?
Wonder if that nice katyjay will give us a bitta the "Hay Nanny Ninny" song. Ya reckon she will darlin's?

You ask 'er May-go on...ya can't leave everyfink ta me ya know...

Oh, me Philma's got up ta "little eye, little eye, little eye.." Ya sent 'im barkin' May. Ya did May ya reely did.

Watcha Girls! I have been busy today too. I got three more horses for our jousting match and I've been busy training them around the washing line. I ran out of knickers so I sneeked round to Haddock Lil's and stole hers off the line. You should see them Lidd. All flowers and lace and things and not a stitch of extra fabric anywhere! I bet you wear tarty things like that Great May.
I have got a couple of pitchforks and some straw bales sorted for tossing the bale, a set of stocks so that we can throw rotten food at people who have wronged us, a set of handbell ringers, some jugglers and a camel. Great isn't it, Great May.
I am so looking forward to it.
Any more news of Arthur Spitwell May? You lost a good chap there you know. Do you fancy him Lidd?

Oooooh no I don't fancy Arfur Spitwell ta very much! Stroof darlin'! I'm fed up not 'ard up! I'm surrounded by me Morris fellas anyways. One or two of 'em are pleasin' on the eye if ya get me meanin', sweet! Poor you- seein' Haddocks draws on the line. I 'eard she wore them fong fings! Yuk! Ay Add? If I put one of them fings on I'd never find it agen! Ladies of our age need good sturdy foundation garments don't we gels?

Poor Larry! No wonder 'e ain't 'ad nuffink ta say lately. Poor lads in shock I reckon, We oughta hatch a rescue plan diddun we? Put kettle on then Add. Let's get ourselves workin' on the "Get Harry Out Safe An' Sahnd Before It's Too Late (If it Ain't Too Late Already) Camp Ayne"

We'll use your 'ouse as the HQ Add, seein' as it's the messiest biggest. I still got me tin 'at and wall map from the war. May, you's can make lotsa them little flag fings ta stick on it.

Any ideas where Haddock lives anyone? Ain't gotta clue meself. Would 'elp poor Harry if we noo where 'e was wouldn't it?

Haddock Lil lives down by the docks in number eighteen, Horsefaced Loach Lane. Hers is the one with the empty washing line!
Let's get planning! And my house is not that messy Lidd you mean pig it is just very lived in. My friend Cyrilla loves my interior designing skills. She said so only last week at the Purple Camel Upstairs, so there.
I'll bung the kettle on. Try to keep Great May away from the alcohol this evening Lidd. We have work to do.

Righto Add. Now we knows where poor Clarice 'is, we can get our Camp Ayne off the grahnd.

Right, let's get this map on the wall then. Addy dear, who's this old fella in ya drawin'? Can we take 'im dahn a minute? Goodo! Now..Horsefaced Loach Lane is.....here....and we are.....here. That's about half an inch on me map. What's that in miles Add? You work it out seein' as yous so clever.

I got us all a bally clarver fing ( ). No May..the slitty bit goes at the front...gawd Add ay? I got rope, tea bags, milk and sugar (case we get firsty on our mishun), an old sack ta put over Larry's 'ead(don't want 'im screamin and 'ollerin do we gels?) and some noo lolly sticks fer 'is clari fing. We gotta bribe 'im ta come back wiv summink ain't we?

Where's the tea Add- it's firsty work bein' in charge of such a dangerous mishun sweet.

Have a big mugfull Lidd. And have two, Great May! (If we fill her full of tea she won't have any room left for booze!)
Horsefaced Loach Lane is about two and a half miles away by the back roads. We can take candles in jamjars too, and a big bag of barley sugars and some of that Kendall mint cake stuff; that's good for expiditions.
Just why are we rescuing Harry Parry by the way Lidd?

Dunno- summink ta do innit? Ain't much on the telly tonight is there?

That's true, and it is too dark to ride the new horses, and May is no good at scrabble. Let's go. Shall we sing as we go?
1 2 3 CAREFULLY ON TIPTOE STEALING ow! Stubbed my toe!

Blimey Add! keep ya racket dahn! We don't want Haddock ta know we's gonna steal 'er man away! Ya'll ruin all me 'ard plannin'. Shhhhh- we almost there..May..frow the rope over the wall..not all of it ya great lemon...now what we gonna climb over the wall wiv? Bet Nappy Oleon wouldn't 'ave yous two in 'is army. Give us a bunk up Add. Ooh...careful where ya puttin' ya 'ands darlin'...no! don't push just yet...Ouchhhhhh! I'm bloomin' flat out in the yard now...can't rely on no-one..might as well of gorn ta the front door and rung the bloomin' bell...now ya set the dogs howlin', or is that you May?

May? Addy?? Oi- ya gorn an' left me ya pair of turncoats..stroof now what do I do....?

No Liddy, we're still here. We came in through the gate! How are we going to get Larry out then? Suppose May and I sing carols at the front door, and when Haddock Lil answers you could race round to the back door and get inside. What about that?
Ready Great May?
GOOD KING SOME ONE OR OTHER LOOKED OUT ON THE FEAST OF SOMEONE. (oops we forgot our words Lidd. )

Good finking Officer number 2! Get yaself rahnd there and sing summink ya bofe know fer goodness sake! We want 'er to open the door, not frow water over ya. Go on then..I'll be waitin' by the back door..'ere Add..supposin' the back doors locked..then what?

Let's try again Great May.
CHRISTMAS IS COMING AND THE GOOSE IS GETTING FAT. PLEASE THROW SOME FISH HEADS TO LIDDY'S OLD CAT"

If the back door is closed just kick it in with your welly Liddy.

Good grief what on EARTH is that noise?

I was just settling down with my cocoa and a good book when I heard the most appalling din outside.

"Maud" I said to myself, "it's probaly the hooligans who were here earlier stealing the contents of the washing line. One doesn't like to trouble the police with such matters. Better to deal with it oneself. Now where's the rolling pin? And the cast iron frying pan?"

Yeah- good finkin'. Let me know when's she's at the door..step on May's toe or summink..



stroof Add! We got the wrong 'ouse!! Run for it gel!!

And who might you be, Madam? And what are you doing at my back door? And what is that noise?

Run as fast as you can Great May!

See you back at my HQ Lidd. Don't be long.

Keep running May.

Errr..can I interest you in some clothes pegs fer when ya get ya clothes back madam?

Those look rather like the pegs that were taken from my line this morning. Where are the clothes that were with them?

Run Liddy!!!

I can't Add... she's got me by me ear'ole!! Come an' get me out fer gawd goodness sake!

Ok. We'll create a disturbance at the front again.

GAS.....GAS..... Run for cover..........unexploded tuba in the garden.........................wild jack russell terrier loose....................... more gas.................help, help. SOME BODY!!!!!!

Did it work Lidd? Are you a free woman again?

Now, would you please tell me what you are doing? And why you are disrupting the neighbourhood in this disgraceful fashion? And where is my laundry?

Tell her that you are from Public Health and that her knickers were a risk to the general populace and had to be taken to a place of safety and burnt.

Addy... I ain't never bin so scared in me life..Maude wants 'er clothes back, but me Philma took 'em..what am I gonna do..Add.. take control Officer No 2...NOW!! Ooh I'm right scared of Maude Add....

In that case, I expect compensation. I will need your name and address so that I can start my claim forthwith.

Say a false name Lidd!

Me name darlin'? Adeline Nuffield Owen, That House There, Anglesy Goo Ga Goff Land, Near England, but over on the left a bit by itself...

And don't try lying to me. My Civil Service training has made me very effective at detecting untruths.

Now, I'll need some paper to write this down....and a pen. And where are my spectacles....

You haven't stolen those as well have you? Er, where are you?

I say! Come back! How dare you run away like that!

I wouldn' dare lie to ya sweet. Liddy where are ya? I'm all confused now...ooh dear..

Just run Liddy! You still have your bally clava on so she won't know you again, and she looks too frail to follow you.

Oh yeah!! I forgot me bally clarver! 'Ere madam, look at that loose tile on ya roof dear...

That's it Add...I'm free agen!

Quick..put the kettle on..Larry can get 'imself out when 'e's ready...

'Ere Add...where's May gorn..?

Oh dear. What an unpleasant evening. And I can't find my spectacles. How will I finish the crossword without my spectacles....

She doesn't know how else to run! Leave her alone you old hag! VERY RUN NOW LIDDY!

well done Lidd. Don't know where May went! Harry Parry can get himself out if he likes.

Hold a chicken in the air, stick a deckchair up your nose....la la la !

Ya what sweet? I fink ya lost the plot gel!!

Aga doo doo doo put a dustbin on your head...

OK, if you insist! Now what?

crashes around quite a lot because of dustbin on head. Decides that it was a silly idea and removes bin.

Let's go back to mine for a panad and perhaps on this occasion we deserve a few sips of Great May's decanter.

Oooh dear- you alright are ya sweet? Got ringin' in ya ears 'ave ya? Not surprised goin' round wearin' that old dustbin! I worry abaht you sometimes Add, I reely, reely do.

Gin or whiskey lovey?

I can't stand the smell of whiskey so I'll have some gin please, and a dash of ribena or marmite or something to take the taste away because I don't like gin either.
Iechyd da Lidd.

Drinks pint of gin and gravy browning and falls over

That's better. Night Lidd.

Crawls up the stairs and falls into bed.

Blimey darlin'! You can knock 'em back ay? Ah well..

Finishes off both decanters and goes to bed singing..Aga doo doo doo Addys lost it, poor old gel, Aga doo doo doo I'm the sane one, just as well.....

Night Add, sleep well darlin...oh she's snorin' 'er 'ead orf already..

Gordon Bennet Lid, that was a close thing. She nearly got me. It was just like the black-out in the war. Not that I was alive then, just from the films you know.
She was a civil servant, but she didn't sound very civil to me. Did we get the wrong house then Lid??
Poor Addy, she must have been very scared, look.......... she's gone to sleep already. Must be the stressful situation
Wonder where Larry is then Lid. What shall we do now???
Haddock Lil would be laughing her knickers off, that is if she wore any, if she knew what we'd been doing.
Where's the whisky?
May.

Good old May..abaht a week be'ind the rest of us!! Where d'ya get to then? 'Idin' be'ind the bushes wiv Gordon Bennett I s'ppose. Well, yous too late me old duck. Addys in bed, whiskeys all gorn, Harry swears undyin' love fer Haddock and I'm soon off ta me bed.

Dyin' fer a cuppa though if ya wanna put the kettle on, sweet.
Ta lovey x

MORNING HAS BROKEN Oh my head! Must have been the weight of that big dustbin that Liddy asked me to wear. I don't understand why she did that. I don't think that Maud would have run after us without her glasses. Classic move thet was Lidd, taking them away. Perhaps we should get them back to her today though, otherwise she'll be in big trouble trying to read her food cans. She might end up with sponge pudding and pilchards or something. Perhaps we could bribe the paper boy to say that he found them outside her gate.
Kettle's on, sun is shining and sunday papers are on their way. Panad anyone?

'Ello Addy sweet! Recovered from last night 'ave ya darlin'? Onestly Add- I never noo you was so gully ball! Ya reely diddun need ta put that dustbin on ya 'ead sweet! Anyways, I'm sittin' 'ere in me curlers an' nightie and I ain't gonna do nuffing all day- so there. I'm fair worn out chasin' after Larry an' gettin' away from that Maude! Stroof Add- ya should see me ear-'ole this mornin'. Swollen up like a goodun it is. I got the old gels specs right 'ere. She can 'ave 'em back when I gets me apollo gee. Ner ner ay Add?

What ya up to then? Gorn out on Jim 'ave ya?!

Morning Lidd. Want several panads to get yourself going? How about a few chocolate biscuits to go with them? I gave up chocolate for Lent and if someone doesn't finish these off they will be too old to enjoy when it ends. They are about three years past their sell by date already, but they smell OK.
I don't really think that we can ask old Maudie to apologise because them she'll know that it was us! As we had bally clavers she won't have seen us. Let's just post them back to her, some time next month
I have got all of these new jousting horses out and have got them trained them to go nose to tail, like elephants do, so now I am going to take them all off for a trip around the village and then we'll do a few more turns around the washing line, just to keep then in practice. Those knights had a lot of fun, it seems.
Shall we go out for our lunch after that Lidd? Great May may want to come too, or she may not. Have you seen her yet? I fancy a nice big Yorkshire pudding.
Tally ho Liddy!

Oh. You are up then. I've been up since six, went for a 10 mile jog and the early morning service. Called in at the fire station for a panad and then bought the Sunday papers. Roast beef with yorkshire pud and onion gravy sounds fine. With treacle sponge pud and butterscotch sauce for afters.
Shall we have wine or not Hmmmmmmm.
Then a brisk afternoon walk followed by tea and crumpets by the fireside, and maybe a swift one at the Purple Camel. Anyone coming??
May, in a good mood.

Ohhhhhhh- ya mean I gotta get dressed? Bring me back a doggy bag or summink gels- yous far too ener jetick fer me. Anyways, I got me own big Yorkshire Puddin' right 'ere- you alright then Rusty?

I might joins ya at the Camel laters.

What's that ya say Rusty? Ooh yeah annuver cuppa tea will go dahn a treat darlin'. Ta sweet.

Enjoy yaselves gels- don't go gettin' up ta no mischeef now!