I'll 'ave a quick cuppa wiv ya sweet. Good job ya got ya compooter sorted out. Was that when ya realised ya 'adn't plugged it in?

It was plugged in you cheeky old cabbage, but I was pressing the wrong bits. I got it going in the end though. I trained it!
It has been very quiet here today. Are all of the old ladies busy or just not talking to us Lidd?
Soon be open season for dandelions Lidd! I may be on the telly again!

Oi....who you callin' an old cabbage, you...you..great parsnip!!!
Dunno where everyone's gorn darlin'. May's probably wiv Arfur Spitwell and Summat Else is electricutin' everyone what can't speak proper.
I bin right busy meself swee'eart. Word's got rahnd in these parts that yours truly was a great pianistic virtuo-so at one time. Got people wantin' me ta teach 'em now. Stroof, me poor finger. Gives me a bitta lolly ta add ta me pension. Don't get much nowdays do we Add? Poor old folk what did our best durin' the war. Never mind eh? Bought me Tiddles a nice collar wiv sparkly bits on as a treat. And I bought meself a noo bedspread in case that stoopid Rusty changes 'is mind. If 'e don't, I'll make meself a nice outfit to watch that fella on 'is organ when we's in Leeds.
Won't be long now will it darlin'? Couple of mumfs an' we'll be serenadin' our adorin' public agen. Can't wait can you lovey?

I gotta go agen sweet.

Ain't no rest fer me nowdays lovey.

Be in laters if ya wanna chat. Go off an' fiddle wiv ya knobs darlin' so's you can use ya compooter proply.

Laters darlin'

Liddy XXXXX

Wish I was goin' ta Leeds! It's not a bad journey from Ely (change at Peterborough and Leeds to get to Hedingley) Not that bad a drive... A 14, M1 or A14 A1 M62. I just wish family would let me live a little.

I could do me Queenie Hellish racket from that thing about an enchanted flute.

Elsie

Oooh dear, Summat. Ya sahnd right dahn in the dumps ya reely, reely do. Can't ya tell ya old fella you's goin' out to 'ave ya 'air done? Men ain't gotta clue 'ow long it takes to 'ave a perm and blue rinse. My old Iva used ta love me goin' out. Every time I shut me front door, I could 'ear 'im inside cheerin' 'is 'ead orf. Good of 'im weren't it swee'eart?

You's could always do a concert in your Burp Well place. Then we could come an' stay wiv ya in ya luvverly 'ouse. Me, Addy, Great May, Lavvys ghost, Larry and Rusty Bucket, all under ya roof darlin'! Be a hoot wouldn't it? Fink abaht it deary.

By the way, ta everso fer puttin' the road names on 'ere, darlin'. I wondered 'ow I was gonna get ta Leeds!! You're a diamond, Summat, ya reely are.

Take care of yaself luvvy,
Lidd XXXXXXXXX

'Ere, Addy!!! You's got the bestest singin' voice I ever 'eard in me life darlin' ya reely 'ave!!!

April Fool!!! Hehehe!! Cackle cackle!

Ok, ok , I'm only jokin' wiv ya swee'eart. Blimey, where is everyone?

More gin on ya porridge, Tiddles?

Ya do know Queenie's Hellish Racket from that flutey thing don't ya?

Errrrr..yes darlin'. I am familyer wiv that particular racket aria. Why d'ya ask sweet?

We sing about that Queen for a Night very often in The Purple Camel Upstairs don't we Lidd? I usually change the word to SaintGeorgo though, especially when he is there with his mates. Just who was that Sara Astro anyway? Ay Lidd, do you remember when the director cast you in the role of Florence Foster Jenkins? You always thought that it was such a compliment! (Great Cabbage!)
I'm back from my travels now. I went to Frankland Prison the call on Haddock Lil's sister, Prawn Patty. She was the one who had the nasty slip and accidentally killed her old fellow when he was standing a little too her to her in the filleting shed that time! Three times her hand slipped. Took his head clean off it did. A gross miscarriage of justice as I recall. I tried to take her an Easter egg but they wouldn't allow it so I ate it instead.
Leeds looms Lidd. Fancy a run through our song in a while. Maybe May may too. Where is she by the way Lidd?
By the way I ignored your April Fool joke! Tut tut Lidd!

Oi ask cos it's me party piece! I don't sound like Flornce Foster Jenkins. Even in me dotage them top F's are spot on!

Cor- stroof Add! Ya bin ta prison 'ave ya darlin'? Sure it weren't fer not 'avin' no tax on ya Land Ranger fingy? I noticed it was outa date when we got stuck in ya field that Sundy. Still, I won't tell no-one darlin'. I 'eard Prawny Pat 'ad gorn a bit crackers!! (Prawn Crackers..geddit Add? Oh never mind sweet). Strange 'ow someone can stab a fella by accident fifteen times innit Add? I might try it on stoopid Bert when 'e comes over agen.

I dunno 'ow we can practice fer Leeds when I ain't gotta bloomin' clue what we bloomin' well singin'!! Stroof darlin'. I ain't as sykick as I used ta be. That naughty Larry is sendin' 'is sometime this year, and old Lavvy and that...that...Rusty Bucket (oooh...I can 'ardly bring meself to utter 'is name Add) want me ta do summink wiv them an' all! I'm 'avin' one of me turns Add I reely am.

I'll meet ya at the Camel and see what rubbish delights ya can come up wiv.

Laters luvvy
Lidd xxx

That Queen number is our party piece too isn't it Lidd? I've got a brilliant piece lined up for Leeds. I'll show it to you when we three shall meet again at the Camel.
Aren't these new smiley things good? I wonder if old MaudEEEEEEEEEEE had a hand in designing them. One or two of them have a touch of the look of her embroidery about them, especially this one.
Is George going to sing again then Lidd? I did enjoy the last one. About YOU going to prison as I recall.
Prawn Patty is having a whale of a time in there. She has made lots of new friends and is taking courses in safe breaking poetry writing and cat burglary pet care.
Still no music from that Harry Parry Lidd? You'll just have to make it up as you go along Lidd. (Not much change there then!)
What are you up to tomorrow? Fancy a day out on Dobbin and Eddie?

Ya cut me ta me 'eart Add ya reely reely do..takin' the mick outa me piana bashin' playin'. I was jokin' abaht ya voice not reely. I ain't gonna say no more abaht me moosic. I'll sit 'ere in me usual patient, quiet way an' wait fer it ta come frew me le'er box. But the 1st June won't be no good cos I won't be 'ere!!

Fergive me little outburst darlin'. That's what Virtuous Pianists such as meself do. It's called a hissing pit or summink like that.

If ya get me moosic 'ere I'll take me 'at off to ya darlin'! There- said I would diddun I??! I love these fings don't you? We gonna 'ave a laff wiv 'em ay sweet? I asked fer some old ladies ones and annuver one in honner of me boy Wiggy. 'Ope we get 'em!!

Where shall we go tomorrer then AddEEEEEEE!!

Come an' pick me up when ya got ya car tax ready, sweet. Ta everso.

Toot Toot! That is me Lidd. I got bored so I am parked outside your place now. Bring your stuff and we'll go for a midnight drive about to do some ghost spotting or something before getting back to the Camel. You can carry on talking on my laptop as we go if you want to. The Camel have an all-night party on so we have lots of time for singing later. Perhaps we could do Terrapin and Queen for a Night in counterpoint.

Righto darlin'. I'm 'ere now. Oooh this laptops' a lumpy old fing innit? oooh sorry darlin'! They's your knees!! hehehe! Ok ok I'm on the real laptop now. Ain't much goin' on from what I can see. What does this knob do...? 'Ere it's all gorn Add. What did I do wrong Add? Oh yeah..I pressed the orf button diddun I? Great plant pot ain't I Add?

'Ow we doin' them songs? Counter what? Ain't never 'eard of it. I'll mime while you make a twit of yaself.

We 'ere now Add. Cor there's a right old crowd 'ere tonight int there? Anyone ya know? I'm in the mood fer a party, me.

"Just wanna dance the night away.." D'ya know that song Add? Or is it too trendy for ya?? Hehehe! Ooh the barman's a looker Add. What ya 'avin' gel? Drinks are on me.

**Fights way through crowd to the bar...**

Some party that was Lidd! Time to go home now though I think. We've missed a night's sleep as it is. Our songs went down a treat, as usual. I think that they were particularly impressed by our pocket sized version of HMS Pinafore and our grand finale of variations on The Lass of Richmond's Ill. As to your rendition of She went to Heaven and flip-flap she flied, the less said the better I think. Just don't sing it again with actions when you have a pint of best cider in each hand Lidd. That poor old twit man in the front row had almost drowned by the end of line three.
I think that I'll give bed a miss and get Eddie ready for a run. Fancy a go on Dobbin? He'll go slow today as he has just had his new shoes fitted and he'll have heavy feet!

'Ello darlin'. I fought I 'andled me cider very well sweet. What about you an' that fella what asked ya ta dance wiv 'im? Poor bloke got took off in the amboolance wiv ten broken toes.

What ya bin doin' taday then Add? I just got back 'ome. 'Ad meself a nice 'ot curry wiv me pals. Luvverly it was. Don't tell May..she'll be wantin' ta do me in agen like last time.

Fancy a panad do ya darlin'? I bought some curry back fer me Tiddles..you watch 'im go Add!! 'E'll be flyin' rahnd me kitchen in a minnit wiv 'is poor little mouf on fire! Hehehe!! Shouldn't laff ay darlin'?


See yous in a minnit then..
Cheerio ducky,
Lidd xx

Hi Lidd, I don't think that his toes were actually broken; not all ten anyway! That'll teach him never to try to dance to The Dambusters' March again. A very silly idea of his! And he kept turning the wrong way too. I never did like a tango much!
I've been round the local charity shops today Lidd. I parked Eddie outside the town hall and did all six of them. I needed some new stuff for the spring, now that the weather has turned. I got a couple of lovely new hats ready to decorate and a nice posh evening dress ready for my next concert. Pink crimplene it is with lace round the edges. I couldn't get any dainty shoes though so the wellies will have to do. They don't look bad when they've had a scrub.
These new smiley things are great fun. I like them best in rows, a bit like leeks!



Those look like the local keep fat fit ladies trying hard to loose their flabby upper arms.
I'm off to have a bowl of porridge now. Then I am going to do the washing as another bright and sunny day is promised. I might run my new hats through the machine to see how nicely they'll turn out.
See thee Later Lidd.

Coo-ee darlin'. I like ya dancin' ladies..is that what we gonna do in Leeds then luvvy?? We'll look a right pair of leeks ay?? Can't kick me legs too 'igh nowdays..I'll do meself damage if ya get me meanin' darlin'. We gonna get old May an' Maudeeeee on their feet sweet?? Be a laff won't it? Ya outfits an' 'ats sahnd right posh swee'eart. I got me safary gear all ready. Are we goin' on that bloomin' 'olidy or not? Me doc keeps freatenin' ta stick a needle in me derry-air every time I go rahnd to the surgery. I says "Watch what ya doin' doc. I ain't goin' nowhere yet matey." 'E says "Stroof Lidd..I can't wait ta stick me needle in ya." What sort of talk is that then Add?? Bit odd if ya ask me. Mebbe 'e's one of them pretend docs you 'ear about nowdays. Quackers or summink they called int they?

Cor you was up early again luvvy! Won't do the bags under ya eyes no good sweet, I'm tellin' ya straight. Ya need ta get a coupla slices of marrer and stick on ya eyes. Supposed ta be good for old bags!!

I'm gonna get meself a cuppa. S'ppose I'll be drinkin' on me own again. Tiddles 'as 'ad 'is'ead stuck in a bucket of water since 'e ate me curry.

Might sees ya later then duck,

Lidd xxx

Your doc sounds a bit fishy to me Lidd. What kind of talk is that for a professional medic I ask? I don't know where Great May has gone. She promised us a holiday on safari being chased by wild things that want to eat us and being bitten by bugs that want to eat us and then she goes awol! And Harry Parry spent all that time on practising his lion and tiger taming too! Still, it will come in handy when he goes up to Yorkshire.
It is a beautiful day here. How would you like to come to the local horse show? You can ride Eddie and I'll have Dobbin. We can go in for the best turned out horse and rider and the best trekker too. Get one of your hats and some sensible shoes ready!
Off to look at my new solar panels not Lidd. I made them from an old fish tank covered in tin foil and lots of sticky tape. I am thinking of making a wind generator next, seeing as Great May isn't about t the moment.
See you later. Tally ho Liddy.

Hehehehe Add!!! You's so full of hot air you'll send that generatter fing spinnin' orf like a goodun!!! Can't wait ta see it darlin'!! I got me outfit on fer the 'orses. Cor these white trouser fings cut ya in 'arf don't they?? Stroof- me walkin's bad enuff..I's gonna be bow legged fer the rest of me days now. Remember your bloomin' old nag run off wiv me last time. 'E ain't gonna do it agen is 'e?

Everyone's gorn Add. Only you an' me left now darlin'. We gonna go on safary wivout the uvvers ya reckon? Might as well go to the zoo. S'ppose it ain't much different to the jungle is it?

I'm gonna be doin' some decoratin' darlin'. I got meself some nice wallpaper. I stripped it off the walls in me bedroom cos I fought it would look better in the livin' room. Gotta stick it all back togevver before I slap it up on the walls agen. Got meself in a fine old mess wiv paste..got paper in me 'air an' everywhere ya can fink of. Still, saves me a few bob don't it gel? Fancy givin' me an' and do ya darlin', ay darlin', what d'ya say then sweet?

Laters darlin'.

Lidd XXX

Well done to us Lidd! We won best pair of ponies, best veteren riders, second best turned out riders and best fancy dress and I didn't even know that we had entered for that one!

How about giving up on the wallpapering and just painting pictures on the walls instead? You could have a nice bluebell wood on one wall, a seascape on another, a picure of that safari that we never went on on the third and a very large notice board on the fourth where you could pin things.

Fancy a glass of homemade lemonade? I ran out of lemons so I used a couple of cucumbers and a melon instead bit it tasted quite nice.

'Ello sweet..am i glad to se ou *arlin'. i'M riiiiiiighttttt feddd uuup wiv this pppapperin' llarkk..I cant wrrrite properrr..I ggott ppppAAPPer stuck ooooonnnn meeeee finggers.

gggggiss aa limonaaaddddeee ta lyvveeee.

Luddeee xx

Ay Lidd, you do look a bit of a state. Have you noticed that some of the sheets are the wrong way about? Ah well, at least it covers the walls. Just when did you write all of those poems on the walls Lidd? I can understand why you need to paper over them. I did my spare bedroom out in sheets of newspaper once when I was a bit short of cash. That Larry Llewelyn Bowen fellow would have loved it. Was the wallpaper on special offer Lidd? I just ask because the wombles would not be to everyone's taste.
Fancy a bit of supper at The Purple Camel later Lidd? They have a hypnotist in tonight and it can be quite amusimg. Actually he isn't a real one.....he's just the local baker but he seems to have the knack.
Are you going to put your rosettes up on your bedroom wall too? There is another horse show on next weekend. Want to try a jumping competition next? Eddie is good at heaving himself over things.

Gordon Highlanders Add!! I got meself in a right old palaver wiv me paperin' darlin'. Ain't never gonna do it agen long as I live so 'elp me I ain't Add I'm tellin' ya I ain't never gonna touch a bitta wallpaper in me life agen. Fine old hows ya faver 'onest it is. I 'ad ta buy some more after all seein' as Tiddles ended up wearin' most of the old stuff! Stuck to 'im all over it is. He's walkin' arahnd wiv Uncle Bulgaria on 'is back. Stroof I 'ad ta laff Add!
Anyways, I rung the people what 'ad the 'ouse before an' asked 'ow much paper I would need. "Six rolls" they say. I got two left over ain't I Add? So I rings 'em back an' says "'Ere you, I got two rolls a paper left!" They say "that's funny- so did we!!" Stoopid lot ay Add!! (The old ones are the best ain't they darlin'??).

I might sees ya dahn the Camel sweet. I gotta get this paper out me 'air yet. I could always say it's me noo 'at I s'ppose. OK darlin' give me a minute an' I'll be there. I got me rosettes on me wall darlin'. They hide that damp stain a treat. Did well diddun we? Dunno abaht jumpin' over no fences though Add. I'll 'ave ta fink abaht that one when I gotta drink or two in me belly. Ya gettin' 'em in then Add? Mines a large one! Oooh your mind Add 'onestly..hehehe.

They have a special offer on the cocktails this evening Lidd, so I have got us two large ones! Mine is a Scabby Mary and I got a Screaming Hangover for you. Both with ice!
Let's see if this hypnotist is any good. Shall we boo and hiss like we did in New York at Great May and Dilly?

Booo!!! Hisssss!! Boooo!! HiiSSSS!!

I am growing sleepy...I am growing sleepy..I am going to walk round clucking like a chicken..cluck, cluck, cluck I am going to lay an egg...oooooooohhhhhh Add..this blokes got me in a trance fing..ooh I feel right odd I do honest..did I make a twit of meself Add??

Yes you did Liddy. You were singing "My Old Man" whilst standing on your head and pretending to ride a bicycle
Great Aunt May. Still alive

I can see Great May...I can see Great May...'ang on..I reelly can see Great May!! Stroof and blimey where ya bin gel? Ya can get me an' Add a Scary Mary each while ya tells us..ta darlin'.

What abaht this bloomin' safary fing an' all...are we goin' or what??

Yeh, Great May! What happened to you and this safari thing then? You promise us all a holiday and then you go away. Some friend you are! By the way, what were you doing in the Camel last night, pretending to talk Martian and juggle pints of pale ale? It was very funny May, but you were pretending weren't you? You weren't really under his spell were you? And when he told you that you would think that you had seen Liddy standing on her head singing and waving her legs in the air did you really think that you had? Do tell!
Another lovely day and the nags look fit to win Miss World, except that they are boys. Shining like a shampoo advert they are. Fancy a ride anyone? A good way to clear the head you know!
Afterwards I am off to learn a few more operas for my debut in Spain. Anyone else coming? To Spain I mean, not to hear me learning operas. Do you think that Bucket-Head, Harry or Maudeeeee will go Lidd? That would be a hoot.

Dunno darlin'. They've all gorn orf an' left us. Mebbe we needs to change our dehodarent or summink. Or mebbe we need ta start using dehodarent!!! I fink Great Mays flipped darlin' I reely reely do. As if I'd do summink silly like standin' on me 'ead an' wavin' me legs abaht!! I got meself a bit more deck- orum than that ay Add?

I given up on goin' away Add. We's always let dahn by folks ain't we? We can go orf somewhere ay? When ya bin ta Spain, we can go ta me Bognor Roll place. We'll 'ave the time of our lives darlin' I'm tellin' ya. We be the two fat ladies they shout abaht in the bingo 'all!!! HEHEHE! I bin on a diet though Add. I lost a coupla pahnd I fink. Only need a single bedspread fer me outfit instead of a double! That's good innit? You still need a king size one do ya me old pal??!! I'm only joshin' wiv ya darlin'.

I'm gonna finish me paperin' now. Stroof will I be glad when it's done. Me stoopid Bert reckons I put it on upside dahn. I says "Don't be daft!! Koaly bears are from Ostraylia! They supposed ta be upside dahn!" I got meself some wildlife paper ta remind me of the Safari That Never Was.

Laters Add XXXXXXXXXXX

If you have got wild animal walls now Lidd we could just dress up in our safari gear and sit under one pretending that we were there. It would be a lot safer.
I took old Dobbin down to the beach today but it was full of cars and a large group of very noisey people having a barby in the middle of the car park. Two miles of sandy, empty beach and they choose the car park!!!!! Dobbin was not at all impressed.
Next week is supposed to be even hotter than today so I am going to sit in the sun in my bikini. That'll frighten away any tourists! I always think that brown fat bits look beter than white fat bits.
Must go to do some work on my terrapin song now. I have another request to sing it at the Camel again. Want to join in with your drumkit?

Sorry I've been away girls, family stuff, you know
Anyway, we have a holiday to go on don't we girls
Are you all ready. Passports, injections, safari clothes, a good book, a rolled up news paper to swat Georgie if he gets a bit fresh, phrase book and a supply of Rich Tea bickies for if you get the "runs".
So then, it's May of course, Addy, Liddy, Elsie, Clarry and Georgie. WE fly on Saturday courtesy of Virgin
(Well, it was just the once) airways Tricky Dicky is an old pal of mine
See you all at the airport on Saturday.
Toodle Pip.
Great Aunt May.

Well well, Great May is back! You didn't tell us that old Toodle Pip was coming too. We'll have some fun with old Toodles! I don't know what phrase book to get May, as you haven't exactly told us where we are going yet. We know that it is a safari but where too? I have had all of my stuff ready for ages. We had almost given up on the idea by now. I hope that Harry Parry has been working at his lion taming. Then he can use it to keep YOU in order May!
Are we going to be anywhere near a concert hall Great May? Lidd and I culd perform there if so. My terrapin song is brilliant now that Lidd has added some bits on her drumkit.
Perhaps I won't bother with the phrasebook after all. I'll just yell a lot and wave my arms around. It seems to work in Tesco's. Where are we flying from May? The only trouble with flying is that it makes your arms ache! No, it was a joke May you big twit! Lidd, where are you? May is back. (She isn't drunk yet either! We might get some sense out of her about this safari holiday place.)

Drunk Addy, I'm never drunk, just a bit tipsy on my birthday
Heath Row Airport Addy. The flight is at midday. We are in first class. LIddy had better behave herself, and no mile high club for Georgie
Can't wait Addy. We are going to Bush Tops Safari Club. " Everything the jungle watcher could need" They wake you up EARLY in the morning for the animals. Then you get an after noon nap Then you see them again after tea. Then you go back and have dinner and some drinks. You may be able to sing for the club then Addy dearest. Entertain the folks, so to speak. It may keep the lions away too
Ok OK I was joking, not.
So where are the others then??
May.

What IS all the hubbub in this thread about anyway?!

Hey Ladies, there is an intruder in our midst! He has been reading our personal and private letters and it really will not do at all. Perhaps if he were to begin at page one and read through the entire thing he might understand a little more of just what we are about, but just to glance at one or two posts will do him no good at all. Shall we set that Harry Parry onto him? He could shout "Go away, Loony" in his best ferocious voice and that would sort the cheeky lad out.
Where are you Lidd? May wants us at Heathrow on Saturday with all of our safari gear. I haven't finished adding net to my hat yet or shortening my canvas skirts. I made tham from an old tent that was left on the field after the Wedding's Off party.
I hope that they won't expect us to eat any of those revolting jungle grubs. I am a vegetarian through and through and I can't be doing with stuff like that.
Is your Philma coming here with Tiddles to babysit Dobbin and Eddie Lidd? I have left lots of tins of food for him and some bashed about Easter eggs and some bunches of flowers too. I did the bins outside Tesco's last night.
When we get back I shall be rather busy getting ready for a TV appearance. I am going on S4C singing "Hovis Angelicus" with the male voice choir Lidd. Then we have Leeds, and then Espania. Oh how busy the life of a pro singer.

Hi-de-hi ladies!!! I bin away ta Hastings ta see some pals. Me frend 'ad 'erself a little gel diddun she..ahh!! Anyways, I'm back now wiv me old ladies..and some Irish fella!! Who's that then?

"In the jungle the mighty jungle the Loony sleeps tonight..!!"

So we orf then are we? Heafrow on Satdy ay? 'Ow we gettin' there then? We gonna 'ave a minibus fing so's we can all go togevver? We'll camp out at Mays Mansion on Friday night so's we can 'ave a goin' away party. That's a good plan innit May? I better get meself to the quacks tomorrer so's I can get 'is needle in me derry-air at last. That'll please the old goat!

You's better keep me away from that Bucket fella if 'e's comin' an' all. I won't be responsible fer me actions, Add I reely reely won't.

Me Philmas comin' ta sit wiv ya Eddie an' Dobbin along wiv Tiddles. 'Ope ya got plenty of gin in Add. Me Tiddles is addicted now.

Gonna get meself a cuppa. I won't eat nuffing yet...I got the sight of ya in ya bikini in me 'ead Add...

Laters darlins'
Liddy xxx

Lidd, I don't think that the thought of my in a bikini really called for a green yuk smiley sickie. Well, perhaps it did. I haven't got any gin for your Tiddles but I'll do the Tesco bins again tonight and see if there is any. It is amazing what they throw away there. Half of it isn't even past the sell by date. A shocking waste I call it.
Has Great May still got her mansion Lidd? Have you May? I never know what to believe about May anymore. I wonder if this safari trip is just a rescue mission for her Hudson boyfriend? If so I hope that the natives are a bit more civil than that Maudeeeeee from Horsefaced Loach Lane. One of the worst nights of my entire life that was. Even worse than when old Edgar from the canning factory dressed himself up as a bishop! Do you remember that day Lidd? Awful it was!
You are going to be awfully busy for the Leeds thing of Lavvy's Lidd? I am surprisedthat Love-em-and-leave-em-Larry has asked you to play after the way he let you down Lidd. Do lots of wrong notes and play one of them a semitone higher! That'll be funny. Everyone will think that he can't play it properly.
I want to play my kazoo in the finale there. When they do The Lass of Richmond's Ill I could make the ill noises. Cheeky man asked me if my kazoo was at concert pitch too! It is when I use best san izal reeds. None of your Van Doreen rubbish. Hey, do you think that Van Doreen was a relaive of Luggage Van Beethoven Lidd. Maybe she was really his immortal beloved after all.
By the way Lidd, we have done 100 pages. We could be a full length book by now A short one at least.

'Ello darlin'. Yeah I remember Edgar. Always did 'ave a likin' fer purple diddun 'e? I 'eard 'e went orf wiv Nancy Nunn from Nantwich. Strange old affair that one ay?

I'm gonna play an octave 'igher than Rustys singin'. 'E'll 'it the high notes if 'e knows whats good fer 'im. I'm gonna take me umbreller wiv the very sharp bit indeed on the end.

We could 'ave a party for an 'undred pages ay Add? Wonder if the uvvers are arahnd? I got some twiglets I just used ta clean me ears out wiv. I'll clean 'em off so's no-one will know. I got some of that packin' stuff an' all what looks like them cheesey crisp fings. They be alright won't they? Won't me much of a party- just you an' me Add. Got the number fer Rent A Mob 'ave ya darlin'?

We can have a fantastic party Lidd, and without those old twiglets of yours and the packing stuff too, because I did Tesco's and Morrison's last night and got loads and loads of things. They are both throwing away tons of Easter eggs and bunches of flowers so I got dozens of both of those. But, and this is the good bit, they had thrown away hundreds of cans of beer and cider because they were a bit dented, and biscuits, cakes, ready made butties, salads ready made up in those little plastic trays, pork pies, chicken pies, cheese and onion pasties you name it and I have it. I was getting supplies in for when your Philma comes to babysit Dobbin and Eddie. There's plenty left though. My pantry is fit to burst. I got some magazines and old newspapers too in case he fancies a read when we are away.
Are you going to encourage Georgie to sing his high notes with the duck end of your brolly Lidd? I can't wait! You know that he hit the headlines of the Chester Chronicle after that last time don't you? I had requests from every comedy show in the north asking who his agent was.
Has May gone away again, just when we need her? I want to know if we can stay at her mansion before we fly. And I want to know if she still has a mansion, after that story of hers when she said that she was homeless and penilless, and she camped out in your coal pit.
I thought that you would remember Edgar. I had forgotten about him and Nancy Nunn though. I thought that it was the woman who cleaned the Ladies' Loos by the bus stop that he ran off with. Ooooh he did have a job explaining to the magistrates just why he was spending so much time hanging around them, and his first wife on the council too!
I am going to open up one of these cans of cider Lidd. The beer ones have some mightily funny names. Do you fancy an Old Git's Peculiar to whet your whistle?

You's on good form tonite right enuff Add me old pal!! I bin 'avin' a laff meself taday. I knocked me potta paint flyin' from me decoratin'. Bin skiddin' arahnd like Bourneville and Bean on the telly. Got that Rivel fellas toon in me 'ead an' all...you know the one...bah bah-bah bah, bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah, bah bah-bah bah...I expect old Lavvy will say I got me quavers in the wrong place agen. She don't know nuffink abaht quavers do she Add?? Ner ner ner-ner ner!!

Ya pantry sahnds well stocked up Add. Fink I'll stay 'ere an' 'elp meself while you lot go orf on ya mystery toor of where-ever it is you ain't goin'. I don't fink May will be arahnd luvvy. What d'ya reckon? Still, me old docs satisfied cos I 'ad me injecshun taday. Stroof it diddun arf 'urt an' all!! Me derry-air's got bigger Add, I swear it 'as. I fink 'e put botox in me botty!! Hehehehe!!

Let's 'ave a drink then swee'eart. You're Old Git's Peculiar an' My Old Man's A Bit Odd. Good ain't they?

Botox bottoms up darlin'!

Cheers Liddy! This canned stuff is a bit too good to waste on your Tiddles, and I read somewhere that the folks in the Middle Ages were very healthy because they supped ale and not tea and coffee so I am going on a Middle Aged diet from now on. Wey, Lidd, that was a long sentence. It must be all of my breathing exercises that I have being doing ready for Spain. Would you like to try one of these Pickled Spotty Richard cans? They taste a bit like treacle with a hint of melon and a ginger finish to me Lidd. Ay, I am becoming a beer buff. Cheeky little beggar eh Lidd?
Another lovely hot day here Lidd. We should take the horses off to the beach again. If we offer to take pictures of brats on Eddie we could offer to sell the prints for £3 a time. What do you think Lidd? We won't tell them that we haven't put any film in the camera. I'll be the photographer and you can collect the money and the addresses. We won't tell them that the camera doesn't work either. I found it in an organ loft many years ago when I was singing at a wedding. Gwladys Dobbs it was. Do you remember her Lidd? She always took out her false teeth to sing and used them as castenettes to keep time. She had some right funny hymns too. Fight the Good Fight and Rescue the Perishing. What kind of music is that for a wedding?
Here, have a can of Speckled Duck.

Well, a fine lot of friends you lot are! I am stuck in a traffic jam on my way to Heathrow and ther is no sign of any of you! Mean I call it. I have all of my safari stuff in a huge back pack, and a butterfly net under my arm and I don't know which station we will be leaving from and I don't have a ticket anyay. This is no fun at all Great May! I am on my last can of Old Git's Peculiar and I am fed up with being in a hot taxi with a driver who won't let me sing.
So tough, you lot! If you don't turn up with tickets soon May I shall be heading home again and I shall take my safari stuff to a car boot sale. So there! I may keep the butterfly net though. It will make a good hat if I pad the top with some old stockings, and take the pole bit away. I could add some flowers and a sign like Liddy had on her hat in Chester. Hers said "I Love Wiggy I Do I Do I Do" or somehing of that ilk. (Great word that isn't it Lidd?) Mine will say "I hate Safaris what do not happen, I do I do I do" if I can fit it around the brim.
I am going to sing anyway, despite that misery of a taxi driver.

LET THE BRIGHT TERRAPIN IN BUr-UR-UR-NING ROW, YOUR SOMETHING UPLIFTED SOMETHING TRUMPETS BLOW.

see, I am so upset that I cannot recall the words any more. Stuff it all Great May.

ADDY!! Will ya calm yaself darlin'!! I bin 'ere all the time..but I's bin locked up!! I was standin' on the road wavin' at ya but ya couldn't see me. So's I jumped up an' dahn like a mad fing, wiv all the bloomin' great airplanes flyin' over me 'ead. Right low they were an' all. Anyways, some fella in an orange suit started wavin' table tennis bats at me. I was goin' "Coo-ee darlin'" finkin' 'ow nice of 'im it was ta wave at an old gel like me. Next fing I knows the Polis are chargin' arahnd tellin' me ta get on the grahnd and be quick abaht it!! Bit rude innit Add? They took me to the office...shoutin' an' carryin' on. 'Ow was I supposed ta know I'd gorn on the runaway bit!!

Stroof I needs a cuppa and I needs it now. Stop ya sulkin' darlin' an' get ya poor old pal a panad there's a sweet....

No sign of no-one is there....?? Just you an' me agen Add..

Here Lidd, I got two large mugs for you. One tea and one coffee. I asked the girl to mix them both together. See what it tastes of. There is no word from Great May and no sign of Harry Parry. How can we go on a safari without a lion scarer? There is no sign of the rest of the gang either. If they don't show up soon I'm going back home. I don't even know where we wre supposed to be going. Might be Africa....dunno.
I wonder if they sell Old Git's Peculiar in the bar here.

BLLLAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Addy!! Ya tryin' ta kill me or what gel?? Ya knows I don't drink coffee oh lay! Stroof and whatnots that's bloomin' 'orrible! 'Ere- you drink it! They ain't got Old Git's Peculiar but they 'ave got My Old Man's a Nutter. Try that an' all.

So, we like two old wall flowers ain't we? Bin stood up agen. No Larry, no Rusty (No surprises there!) no Lavvy woo hooin' an' rattlin' 'er chains, no Summat Else wiv 'er Queenie Racket, and worse of all, no bloomin' May! Fancy a trip to that Winser place do ya Add? Or are we gonna wait an' see who turns up then? Waste of time 'avin' me needle ay sweet? Do ya wanna see the big broose on me derry-air do ya Add? I'll show it ya shall I? 'Ere...take a look at this then...bet ya ain't sin nuffing like it in ya life sweet....

Put it away quick Lidd! You're right, I haven't seen anything like that since we had boiled liver for supper in the Camel Upstairs the other week. It looks horible, and all to no avail I fear. No sign of anybody yet. I don't know when the flight is but I don't fancy spending te day here only to find out that they didn't turn up if you see what I mean Lidd. Lets cut our losses and stay in a posh B and B and then go to that Windsor Safari park place tomorrow. It will be just as much fun and a whole lot safer too. I think that Great May has another of her schemes up her sleeve and I bet it is to do with that Hudson man.
We couyld dress up in our new safari clothes to go. It won't have been wasted then.
Do you think that they will have lions and tigers there Lidd, or camels with humps?
This My Old Man's a Nutter is quite nice when you mix it with that tea and coffee muck mix. Hic Hic. Pardon me!

Hehe!! Fought you's be impressed darlin'!

Well, it looks like a stoopid trip ta stoopid Winser stoopid Safari stoopid Park for stoopid you an' me then don't it Add? Still, I got me safary gear on so's we can at least pretend ay?

Come on then sweet. I wanna 'ave a laff at them monkey fings wiv the bright pink...well, you know what hehe! Maybe we'll find some what look like our so called pals!!

Let's load old Dobbin an' be on our way. Don't go up the runaway fing though cos you's make people cross..

Laters
Lidd xxx

For goodness sake, get on the plane the lot of you. I told you I'd be here didn't I??
Addy, do you think we have to wind those propellar thingies up a bit, and will they last to Africa..........oh good, that's not our plane.
Ah, here it is, ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhh tha's a big one Yes, young lady we are in first class. I'm a personal friend of Mr Bronson. Come folks.
Ooooooooh, I LURVE take off. Sit still Georgie, and keep your hands to yourself. Clarry, you look a bit green Never mind, have a mint humbug.
Adeline, we can have a drinky in a minute, just got to get up in the air. Oh look, Clarry's gorn down the back to the loo already
May.