Make sure Eric's good an' dry...I'll stick 'im on me 'at on me 'ead lovey! Can't say as I fancy a leek right now darlin' ta all the same. Got any nice bread 'ave ya? Could swaller a nice bitta toast if you'd be so kind. Ta ducky.

Me piana's goin' dahn a treat sweet! I fink I got me old touch back. Right lookin' forward ta Sundy. Got a noo frock from me bedspread an' some luvverly pink lippy!! Gonna look smashin' fer me gest I reely am! May ain't gotta clue darlin'. Just nod ya 'ead up an' dahn and say "Yes May" she'll be alright in a decade or two. I 'ope she don't getta nuvver Straddy Addy...'ad enuff trubble wiv the last one...

Keepin' you's awake at night is she sweet? Don't envy ya one little jot hehehehe!!! Wonder why she picked on you Add? Ya must look desperate fer pals or summink!!!

'Ere steady on gel...you's burnin' me toast...!

'Ere Add! Where ya gorn darlin'? I fahnd a noo frend...Nora Clari- Batty!!! Funny lookin' old gel, but it's annuver one ta take the mickey out of to the Camel ay sweet??

funny looking?

FUNNY LOOKING?

*looks in mirror*

*mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all*

*mirror mysteriously replies - well, it isn't you for a start*

'Ere Nora...don't ya be doin' yaself dahn gel!! Well, yeller reely ain't ya colour if ya don't mind me sayin' swee'eart! You stick wiv me an' the gels...we'll soon 'ave ya lookin' human smashin'!

Hey Addy, I'm not posh. You can have baked beans if you want them. I can do a mean bean burger.
Liddy, you may not want to get too close to Addy tomorrow
Who's this young lady resplendent in yellow then Liddy, a friend of yours? Is she coming on the razzle with us then. It's a speed dating night at the pub tonight. Should be interesting.
May.

Watcha May. This mutton-dressed-as-lamb-old-duck- young friend is Nora Batty-Clarri. I am not sure that I can do speed dating again May. It may not be what you think May. They all sit around smoking weed and then spend the next three hours talking absolute rubbish. On second thoughts it could be just your sort of thing May. Give it a go!
What are mean beans Lidd? May is threatening to make some into a burger for me. I know mung beans, dung beans, soya beans, green beans, string beans, red kidney beans, moth beans, runner beans and has beans but mean beans? I have no idea. Would I enjoy them do you think Lidd?
Let's see if Nora wants a go on Eddie. We could go to the beach and do our camera hoax again. You know....the one where we let brats sit on Eddie to have their photos taken and then you take their names and addresses ans £5. And we promise to send a photo on and then we don't.

That's mean Addy How much did you make last time??
Hi Nora, glad to have you in the team of Old Ladies, well, they are all old except moi. I think you look OK in yellow, but maybe peach might be a tad better.
Here you are Addy, a mean bean burger. Tasty eh?? Do you like my home-made cats claws chutney
I don't like weed Addy, just scotch, so I don't think I'll go. Shall we have a rehersal instead. I'll put a vegetable stew on with some garlic bread. Can someone bring the pudding??

May.

'Ello gels..ya like me noo pal, Nora, then do ya? Fahnd 'er wanderin' rahnd the 'igh street. Not a safe place fer such a dainty lookin' person of the female persuasion. So's I dragged 'er kickin and screamin' invited 'er 'ome fer some tea. Good ain't I? Don't fink peach would go wiv 'er compleckshun to be 'onest May. She'd look better in green in me 'onest opinnyun.

I got a good dollop a puddin' fer laters gels. I made one of them summer fruits fingies...only I ain't got no summer fruits so I used mashed potaters instead...be alright wiv cream ay?

Fancy some do ya Nora? Quiet int she?

I have done a pud too so we can have two. I've done a raspberry pavlova but I have had to use blobs of jam instead. I made some custard too; the real stuff from eggs and cream. Not that tinned cornflour muck.
I hope that cat's claw is some kind of herb and not something that one of the Tiddles left behind in a cushion. It is very confusing having two cats called Tiddles around.
How are you doing Batty Clarri old Bean? Are you enjoying your time with us? If she says "No" give her a kick, Lidd.

Righto darlin'. my Tiddles left summink on the cushion today which was most deffynatly not a claw... ...still, I frew it in the pud...we'll make sure May get's that one!!

'Ow's ya Leeds moosic then Add? I gotta start agen wiv a noo bit...bloomin' 'eck...ain't no rest fer one of such high pianistick virtuousness such as meself ay darlin'?

My Leeds song is brilliant Lidd. I had to choose something a bit easy for poor old May though. None of my usual colourtura stuff with her in tow. I hope that she won't get carried away and start being wild there. You know how she can be at times.

Best tell her that the pudding is chocolate in case hers tastes odd. Was it a chewed mouse that you put in do you think? It is hard to tell. Think I'll stick to me pavlova.

May, old bean, we made well over a hundred pounds at the beach with Eddie last time. Good fun it was.

No darlin'...it weren't no dead mouse...ya choclit descripshun is closer to it swee'eart!

I'm gonna be doin' me June River number by meself by the looks Add...stroof...a virtuous hoppera diva an' all now..is there no end ta me talents Addy???!!!!

May didn't seem to mind what ever it was Lidd.
Hey, Look here! I've borrowed Batty Clarri's mirror. Let's ask it who is fairest.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who is the fairest of us all?

Ooh, what a rude mirror. Why did it say "well, it ain't you sunshine!" and then laugh aloud?

I know; It will be because my hair is pink and not fair. That'll be it Lidd.
Here, you have a go.

Oooh err...Add....I feel right daft talkin' ta this fing...ah well 'ere goes..

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the fairest of them all?

Bloomin' cheek... it reckons I got more 'air on me chin than me 'ead!!!

Don't like this mirror..shall I smash it ta pieces Add? Shall I Add? What d'ya reckon?

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who is the fairest of them all.
Why 'tis you, my fairy queen,
a veritable s*x pot,
Loves' young dream.

There you are girls......it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
May.

Gordon Highlanders Add...the mirror's gorn barmy.. or is May sufferin' from dee loosions agen??

That mirrow was either lying through its teeth or else Great May was playing a trick on us and throwing her voice. Who wants to be a sock pot anyway May? I wonder if it works in the same way as that singing fish that you have in your downstairs loo Lidd? You know, when you stand infront of it it starts a recording. I bet it plays the same few messages over and over. Let's try again.

Add stands infront of mirror again.

There Lidd! I knew it! It IS a trick, just like your singing fish. It told me then that I was loves young dream. What a hoot. Let's see if we can get it to say something rude to the next person who uses it. Look here. There is a "record your own message" button on the back. We'll leave it and see who sets it off next. Let's smuggle it back to May's place before she sees us.

There, that's done. Bung the kettle on Lidd. We'll invite ourselves for a panad with Great May. Shall we yell for her?

MAY, WANT A PANAD?

Oh, I don't remember that mirror being there.

What's that? "You are a miserable old bat with a voice like rusty nails. And your dress sense is horrible!"

Oh charming!

I'll bet that Addy did this just to upset me.

Darn it Lidd. We got the wrong house! We should have waited until it was lighter. We turned down Horsefaced Loach Lane instead on into the lane to Great May's house. Now that mirror is in Maud's place. We need to get it back asap before May finds that it is missing.

Here, you have my gardening coat and this old hat that the scarecrow used to wear and put on a gruff voice. Then go to Maud's and tell her that you are a knocker, collecting old mirrors and ask her if she has any to give away. Be quick though! May won't stay in bed until much after midday.

Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnn. Time to get up then. That's funny, where's the mirror gone. How odd
A panad would be great Addy. Is Liddy there too??
May.

Hi May. Have a panad. No, Liddy isn't here yet. She had to go out for a while but I hope that she won't be too long.
Show me the new double bass May. I trust it isn't an old wreck of a thing like the Straddy watsit that you used to use. What a pile of rubbish that was and no mistake.

(Any sigh of that mirror yet Lidd?)

You haven't had a go on old Dobbin recently. . Do you fancy going out for a short ride before it rains? We could go on a short tour of the docks by Horsefaced Loach Lane if you like.

(I may be on my way Lidd. Do your best until I get there. )

( Lidd, Where are you? I have kepy May out for hours on Eddie and old Dobbin is looking a bit tired too. I can't keep the poor ponies out any longer so I am going to turn for home and trust that you have managed to get the mirror back to its rightful place on May's wall by the time we arrive.)

OK May? Time to turn back for home now. We have had a lovely ride and your seat is getting better all the time. Don't sing to him though Dear, he keeps putting his ears back flat to his head. I don't think he likes it.

Here we are at last, back in my field. Shall we have a quick panad and some toast at your place May?
Yes, fine, a whisky if you must!

(Oh well done Lidd. I see that you have managed to return the mirror. )

That's strange. I could have sworn I saw a mirror there this morning. And it spoke to me too....

No, I must have imagined it. Get a grip, Maud, mirrors don't talk.

Especially not to say the rude things that one said...except it didn't 'cos it isn't there.....

Oh dear, I am getting confused....

Oh heavens Addy, my backside is sore What a long ride dear. I feel I am getting the hang of it now though.
Gordon Bennet..........the mirror's back. How odd Addy. The mirror disappeared this morning, and now it is back. What a mystery
Nice cuppa Add, and a chaser for us both.
Shall we watch my Fleetwood Mac DVD??
Great Aunt May.

'Ello ladies..I bin very busy wiv me VIP guest darlin's!! I bin playin' the piana an' got a note or two outa me old clarry net type fingy what ya blow into type intsrooment fing...ya know what I mean don't ya gels?!

What you's still on abaht that mirror for? Bloomin' rude it is..still it's ere if ya want it..

Mirror mirror on the wall
Old Maude's 'ere let's 'ave a ball!

Come on then gels..fancy a bit a fun ay?

Anyone 'ere then?!............

I am all here Liddy, but most definitely not all there
May.

Oh well...you's better than no one May!!!! Fancy a knees up do ya? I 'ad a reelly good day so's I wanna dance the night away!! (Until me 'ips give way anyway!)

Well me and Addy have already started dear, have a scotch.
"Just say that you want me.............TUSK
May.

Ta May darlin'. Bottoms up lovey...oooh no not your....never mind...get up May you's makin' a show of yaself already!!

Knees up muvver Brahn, knees up muvver Brahn..

ooh me poor old knees...

Where've you lot gorn then??? No stammyner some people....

Have you two been up all night partying and drinking? Ah well, no point at all in going to bed now. Let's have some breakfast and then do some rehearsing for our summer recital.
First things first though. Who would like a big dish of uwd? Lidd? May?

(Well done for getting that mirror back Lidd. I don't suppose that May even noticed.)

What's "uwd" then Add? I 'ad me own little party by meself seein' as everyone else left me to it. Got that anvil chorus fing bangin' away in me 'ead now...oooh me poor 'ead.

cuppa panad anyone? Can't sing yet Add..me mouf is like a bird cage if ya get me meanin'...

Let's rehearse then Addy, and plenty of tea to oil the works
( Got to go to work now, so see you later )
May.

Uwd Lidd? Well, you have just eaten two large dishes of it. It's porrige old bean! That was a good practice despite you having a bad case of birdcage throat Lidd. We will be a triumph at Leeds. Chester was good but this will be even better, if we can stop May from doing anything too wild.

He he he. I am going to record something else on this mirror for May when she gets back from work. She was very quick in finding a job Lidd. I am surprised that washing goats is her thing but fair play to her for giving it a go. I wonder how she will get on with old Dave the goat keeper though. He is quite eccentric at the best of times.

"I'm so pretty, I'm so pretty, I'm so pretty and witty and bad"
I like Dave Addy, he's VERY unconventional. LIkes unusual things
Had a great day Liddy and Addy. how about you????
May.

His goats like him May. Glad that you do too. His most unusual thing was to hammer a nail through a hot cross bun back in 1973 and then to bash it up on his wall of his kitchen to see how long it would keep fresh! He had heard that buns made on Good Friday never go bad. His pinned together old vest curtains are a bit odd too, but I can see the logic in doing that. Not the bun though!

Go on May! Try your mirror out again.

May stands infront of mirror and asks it who is the fairest one of all.

I, the mirror on your wall
say you are the fairest one of all.
But that's because you die your hair.
And you are going bald. So there!

I did last year, but it's grown back now you stupid mirror
I am going to put this mirror into the charity shop tomorrow morning Addy.
Bacon sandwich anyone, veggie burger for you Addy
May.

Yes please May. Perhaps I could swap your mirror for something else at the swap shop?

So what would you swap it for then??? A man, another horse, a pet rat, piano, veggie burger, free holiday........??????
May.

I've swapped it for something for your new cottage May! Fair's fair now. What about THIS?

Add reveals a superb Billy the Singing Bass

You can put it on your wall where the mirror used to be and when anyone walks past it sings. Listen!

Take me to the river, put me in the water.

Good isn't it? Don't you think it sounds a bit like Maud? She is forever singing that in the bath.

Ummmmmmmmm, thanks Addy, it's...........different, I'll say that.

Walks past the bass
"'Lovin you is easy 'cause you're beautiful"
Yes, I could get used to this Add.
May.

Well, at least it is better than that talking mirror May. I wonder what else it can sing?

Add leaps around in front of the singing fish!



Idmfue dheow mxswo kxiqwpqwdl wnfo ,msol ,,sk!


May, I think that its battery might be going flat, unless that was something from that new Forumites Go Large cd of Lidd's.

Nah, battery Addy. I'llput it on charge. We can play with it later.
Guess what...............I have bought a new double bass. Can't wait to bring it to jazz night at the Purple Camel. My feet are tapping already.
Righto, off to see Dave. We are going hunting.
May.

'Ere! I wondered where me singin' fish 'ad gorn!!! Bloomin' cheek ya got Add, when I got the mirror back an' all! Stroof I dunno.

New Straddy Wotsit May? Where'd ya get the dosh fer that then? Where'd she get the dosh fer that then Add?? Any ideas 'ave ya Add?

May...if you's not gonna send me the moosic fer bloomin' Leeds, at least give me the bloomin' name of the bloomin' song so's I can bloomin' well see if I've already bloomin' got it swee'eart!! Ta darlin'.

Cuppa tea anyone?

Play it backwards Lidd! That'll learn her not to mess with you Lidd. I swapped that mirror in the swap shop in our village for the singing fish. It isn't the same one as yours is it? If so how did it get there?
Bung the kettle on Lidd. I need a panad. Got a dry throat today.
May has gone and got herself another double bass, as if we didn't have enough trouble with the last one. Still, it may keep May out of mischief for a little while I suppose.
How was your duet with that Batty Harry Parry then Lidd? Did you show him how to get the twiddly bits right?
Want a gingerbread with that Panad anyone? I made some today, only I had to use curry powder as the ginger was all finished.

It is entirely in the hands of the post office with a first class stamp on it
If you don't get it tomorrow, tell me and I'll have to send it again
May.


You haven't been twiddling Clarry's bits have you Lidd??
May.

Here May. Have another slice of currybread. I hope that you and Dave Goats enjoyed the hunting. was it for glow worms by the old water works?

Eels Large ones.
However, I feel it is not my forte to hunt unless there is a juicy salmon or trout in it for me. AND he didn't notice my new hairdo. So I won't be going out with him again.
May.