I'm gonna settle fer Chopsticks Add! Whatever May's playin' I'm playin' Chopsticks!!! Should be a laff ay Add?

Yeah...I sorted out Harrys twirly bits..."Twirl..Twirl!!" says I..."I'm twirlin'..I'm twirlin'!!" says 'e..."Well twirl a bit faster then!!" says I...poor lad turned blue!! 'E can alf 'old 'is breaf a long time gels. I fought 'e was gonna fall flat on me floor! Stop takin' the mickey you's two! 'E's a fine boy is Larry!

I'll 'ave a bitta ya currybread Add, if you's please. 'Ere! What's that racket? Stroof...May's on 'er Straddy Wotsit! Sing up Add...we's gotta drahn out that awful din!!!!!!

You are a very rude lady, and I use that word loosely Liddy.
My bass playing has been compared to a summer's day. I am very #### on the double bass, I am a natural jazz player.
What exactly is curry bread Addy???
may.

I was about to sing Lidd, but then Great May stopped to call you names. What did you say May, that caused the censor to bleep it out? Currybread is gingerbread made with curry powder 'cause I'd run out of ground ginger you great noggin May.

I am going to sing anyway, so there. And very loudly too!!!

Batti, batti, o bel Masetto, La tua povera Adeline

See, that was louder than that old bass.

It was S*xy Addy. Which is what you have to be to do jazz.
May.

Well, you's are a very loose lady May!! Hehehehehehehe!!!!!

Well done Add! Sing up darlin'!

Batti, batti, o bel Masetto,
La tua povera Zerlina;
Starò qui come terrapin
Le tue botte ad aspettar.

You what, darlin'??!

I can't yell any louder Lidd. That May is making one hades of a noise on that bass of hers. It made me sing a wrong name. I sang Zerlina instead of Adeline. See the effect that she is having on me Lidd.

I know me old duck! Don't take long do it??!

I just wondered what ya words meant lovey!!

I haven't got a clue what it means Lidd. I am a singer! I just sing them. I don't have to know what I am singing about as long as it is loud enough to drown that row of Great May's bass!

( Actually, I do know Lidd, but I don't want May to see. She will think that I am weird. You know how she misrepresents things don't you? She does it all of the time.)

She played till around four in the morning Lidd. I am going to superglue her strings together if she does it again. She was doing a sort of upbeat version of My Old Man's a Dustbin and I just couldn't sleep. SHe'll have the neighbours complaining if she carries on like that. Hang on Lidd. I AM the neighbours!

May, May, I have a complaint.........

I return to East Anglia for a few days to tend family, Snowy and spend a day singing and you have a blooming knees up. Lets take another virtual trip to Wales.

That bass of yours is singing flat, he tried to seduce me singing his part of "La ci darem la mano" , and I had the stupidity to continue the duet.

Really Addy you shouldn't have encouraged it to have sung Mozart.

Else

OK, I want you to own up, and I'll be calm and reasonable.
Who put a family of bats in my bass I can't move them by law, so who did it
Just when I was getting really good.
May. P.S Liddy, please tell me you got the music

Not me. I have relatives who have bats, but not me. No wonder with "batti, batti" your bass is stuck on Don Giovanni.

Maybe it was Addy - not blaming you me dear its just you did mention them when singing. I'm surprised May's not got Terapins in her pond too.

Talking of terrapins, anyone want to get rids of the little blighters from my bath please
May in a moody

I got you's moosic at bloomin' last May!! Shame it's too hard fer me to play in the short time I got ta practice....sorry darlin'.


















Only joshin'!!! Ta everso sweet! xx

You had me for a minute there Then I thought, hang on, she's a piano teacher
May.

I can only play wiv one finger though May darlin'!!

What a great shame about your bats May. It wasn't me!

(Yes it was, but don't tell May. I had to do something to stop that racket though. I put lots of bat food inside it and then put it outside the back door after she had gone to bed.)

We could play that accomp with a hand each Lidd. You could do the top and I could do the bass end. That would be good fun and we could make it really loud and get faster and faste too. Good idea or what?

We've got a storm here so I've got Eddie and Dobbin in the front room. Not too much room for anyone else but you can pop in for a quick panad and another slice of currycake if you all like. Shift yourself Dobbin.

SHIFT, SHIFT I said you rude pony!

There are times when I think you two are witches
GOODNIGHT
May.

There are times when I think you two are witches
GOODNIGHT
May.
[/quote]


There are times when you are quite right, Maybeline!!!!

Lidd, I think that we may have upset May! Those terrapins in her bath may not have helped matters either. I'll take them back to the sea zoo in the morning. I liked the idea of doing her accomp as a duet with an end each but clearly she isn't keen. Some musicians can be so snooty can't they Lidd?

I hear that the Leeds lot may be a bit low in their tastes Lidd, so I suggest that we give our grand operatic stuff a miss and do something on their level. It would be such a pity to waste good opera on them if they won't understand or appreciate it. We'll keep the good stuff for the Purple Camel. They like us!

I couldn't sleep. If it isn't Great May's double bass playing, if you can call it that, it is her singing. She is on the twenty-third repeat of the Anvil Chorus and she is doing sound effects with her cooking utensils by the sound of it. I'll have to hide her wooden spoons tomorrow unless I can get a few of those bats to roost on them too.

Off to make some earplugs.

All I can say is that it serves you right
May.

My goodness, not only are there bats in the bass, and terrapins in the bath, but now a wretched Anvil has arrived in the garden. That's not to mention the catalogue of conquests that fella she bought back had made. 1003 in Spain! That must have been a good holiday. Trouble is has he bumped off a young girls father too? Next May will be reporting talking Statues.


Better stay in Wales. Me ruby slippers keep staying on and so far there the best form of transport I've ever found.

Else

Zing, Zing, Zingari. de dah de dah de dah de daaaaaaaahhhhh

This anvil is brilliant May, and so loud. I brought my big hammer over to try it out and it is great, Great May! Go and get your bass out here and we'll do a duet version. Actuslly we can do a quartette if we both sing too. The bats won't mind.

By the way, who was the bass singer that Summat Else is on about? You kept him very quiet May, if I may say so May. I didn't see him. Has he gone now. Perhaps Summat was just seeing things.

Hey, May, we could get the farrier down to put new shoes on Dobbin and Eddie. He could use your anvil too.

BASH BASH THUMP BASH

Let's take it to the Forum Bash in Leeds May. Perhaps Batty will let us play it in the grand finale of The Lass Of Richmond's Ill. He had banned my kazoo. Can you believe that May and Lidd?

Fancy banning your Kazzzzzzzzooooooooooooooooo Addy, not a nice thing to do at all. There are many musical snobs in this world
Let's make music Add. Da dum dum dum dum dumby dumby dum.
A COMPLAINT to the moderators, where is the Double Bass alone on the little pictures???
Where has Lydia got to then?? Off with Clarry again, twiddling his bits I shouldn't wonder
No idea who this chap is that Else is on about Addy, did she imagine him, who's he murdered then?? And why did he do it?? It was Boris in the conservatory with the trombone It just slid me honour!
May.

I'm sure you bought a so called "single" man back from the Camel the day you moved in. Well it was his catalogue of lovers found on the side.

You'll have to go through the local rag to find out about any murders...but I see you're not denying anything about the talking statue.

Yoo-hoo!!!

Stroof what a lotta racket goin' on!!! 'Ow's a concert pianist supposed ta practice then??!! Bats..terrapins..anvils..it's enuff ta drive ya ta drink it reelly reelly is!!

'Ere May...I turned ya moosic upside dahn by mistake...sahnds better if yous don't mind me sayin' swee'eart. I 'ope you's practicin' an' all...

Cuppa panad anyone?

Yes please to a panad Lidd. If you can't beat us then join us Lidd. Would you like a bash on the anvil? We can do Mule Train!
May didn't have a talking statue Summat, it was a mirror. It was a trick but she didn't like it and so I swapped it for a Billy Bass fish. The fish is real class!
I agree that your tune sounds better unside down May. You'll have to play your flute backwards too, to make it harmonise. Shall I add the anvil Lidd?

Would anyone care for a slice of banana loaf? I made it today after a trip to the market after closing down time. I got some lovely ripe ones to put in.

Coo-ee!

I don't fink I'll be bangin' on ya anvil fingy luvvy...I gotta problem wiv me ear..this ear 'ere..no not that ear..this ear..me right ear...can't 'ear proper darlin'. gotta see the old doc agen..

Still, I'll 'ave a bitta a ya banana cake sweet...I bought some 'ome made lemon curd taday..fancy some on a big bread door step do ya's gels? 'Ere, we ain't upset the old gel 'ave we Add? What d'ya reckon then?

Ya moosics reelly pretty May..upside dahn, back ta front or the right way up...it's bloomin' luvverly

**Is that enuff grovellin' do ya reckon Add?**

Yes, I think so Lidd. May doesn't seem to sulk for long. Not like that Rusty Bucket head. He has been gone for ages and never a word.
Sorry that your ear's bad. Do you think that you have got a bed bug stuck in it? That happened to a great uncle of mine once. We got it out and kept it as a pet for several years after. It was named Ethel because it looked a bit like Ethel from the shoe mender's.

I remember Ethel. She had the gammy leg and the false eye Her old man used to keep ferrets, in his trousers
May.

That's her May, only it was a false leg and a gammy eye. She had one blue eye and one brown eye and the blue one always looked sideways. Her old feller used to breed ferrets and was a leading figure in the local ferret breeders association. He even edited the Ferret Breeders Times for a while. Lidd and I had our photos in it once after a particularly brilliant recital that we performed for their annual dinner back in the forties a couple of years ago. We sang all of the songs that have ever been written about ferrets. Do you remember that Lidd? I found the programme the other day.

Mi chiamo ferret.

Der Ferretfanger Bin Ich Ja

O Ferret und Osiris

Waft her ferret through the skies

O mio ferreto caro

Where'er you walk a ferret has walked before

Ferret through the tulips

Ferret, ferret give me your answer do

and Senza Ferret as the big finish.

Happy days those were.

A ferretable concert then
May.

A ferretable triumph, no less Great May! Bung the kettle on and we'll have a panad and then you can come out for a pad around on Eddie and Dobbin if you like. It is too cold and wet to play the anvil outside today.

Ferrets??! FERRETS??!! This place is goin' dahn 'ill an' it's goin' dahn 'ill faster than a ferret!!

Ferrets a jolly good feller!!!

Oooh me ear 'urts...ferrets got good ears 'ave they Add?

"Ferrets, countrymen..lend me your ears!!"

Hehehehe...

Laters Loveys,
Lidd XXX

But surely you remember the ferret concert Lidd? You played the piano for me! It wasn't so long ago. The Ferret Breeders gave us both large bunches of flowers and boxes of chocolates to go home. That was when I had my first hat with the cherries and ferrets on. You wore red and I wore green. We must have looked like a traffic signal.
Ere, Lidd, is your ear better? May keeps singing about two little boys in blue today. Let's get another practice in this evening and teach her some Verdi or something else operatic with a bit of culture to it.

"Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag, and smile, smile, smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
Nothing like a bit of music hall to lift the spirits
Nice ponies Addy, I liked the ride. Lovely day, we could see Snowdonia in the distance
Fancy ferrets do you Lidd?? Nasty sharp teeth, they've got Wouldn't want one down my trousers
Reminds me of that song my dear old Aunt used to sing " Aunty Mary had a canary up the leg of her drawers, she............." Do you know , I've forgotton the rest
May.

stroof may!! You's on good form already..'ave a good night did ya?

Course I remember that concert Add! I'm in me dotage but I ain't daft! That bloke 'ad one clingin' on the end of 'is...finger!! Cor, that's gotta hurt ay?! Hehehe!! That one on ya 'at wouldn't keep still eever...jumped on me back and frightened the livin' daylights outa me. Bloomin' vermin they are Add.

I gotta busy day tomorrer. I'm recordin' me Leeds moosic fer old Lavvy and Bucket features. Though why I would do it fer 'im after...after..you know what is anyones guess. I must be daft after all ay?

What's that ya say abaht me ear?! Oh yeah...doc reckons I got some hearin' loss in it.. Bloomin' noosance, but I can still 'ear ya dolcet tones and Mays Straddy Watsit. Never mind ay?

Gotta go agen
Laters Loveys
Lidd XXXXXXXXXX

Thought she was a bit deaf Add. Lid didn't hear me offer her a glass of wine the other day
We'll have to use semaphore. Waves wildly at Lidd.
Panad anyone??
May

Double panad plaese May. I am having a lazy day today. I am off to the library to find some new songs to sing for the next Pint and a Song evening at the Camel. I wonder if they would like some Wagner? I do a mean Brunhildaogden.

Would you like me to accompany you on my Muriel??
May.

Is Muriel the name of your new bass May? Thank heavens it isn't one of those old straddy things. That one was so old that it was beyond sounding good at all. There is nothing like as nice red varnished modern instrument May. Don't be fooled into buying some antique rubbish again. It is never as good. I will see what Wagner I can find for soprano and double bass and perhaps Lidd will add some percussion too.

My Muriel isn't red Addy, it's an old one again, but this time it's been updated by a decorator friend of mine. He's done it in a distressed rag rolling pinky/lilac/orange hue. Pretty isn't it?
Where's this Ragner then??
May.

WAGNER you old buffer, WAGNER!!!!!! Really Great May! You do let yourself down badly at times. Quite a lot of the time actually. I am working on it as we speak. We'll have a bash at it tomorrow. Any sign of Lidd recently? She went off on the bus the other day and hasn't been seen since. I hope that she hasn't run away with Love-em-and-leave-em-Larry. And I think that the bass looks horrendous May!

So does your pink rinse So there, with bells on the end, and knobs on and so forth.
May.

I LOVE my pink hair Great May! It has been admired by many the world over so there! I cannot imagine that any musician would admire your double bass. I suppose that you could chop it in half and put the bits into the local art gallery but I don't think that it would command much attention even then. Just get the paint stripper on it and then we can do some practice today May old bean! I have made a shortened version of the Ring Cycle for Soprano, double bass and drum set, called "Wagner, The Mini-Series" and we should get busy on it. Lidd has to dress up as a swan for part of it. She'll like that, if she ever gets back from her travels with Larry. That woman never learns! Want a panad and some toast May?

Still think it would be better if it was a peachy colour Your hair that is!
My bass has been sanded down and I'm wondering if you want to help me varnish it Add?? Do you think matt or shiny???
I think Liddy and Clarry have run orf to Bridlington, to a little Bed and Breakfast for a week of general naughtiness
Do you think they'll be back in time for Leeds Addy??
May.

I hope that Lidd will be back in time for Leeds May. It will be a flippin' funny trio if there are only two of us! "Add, Lidd and May but Lidd isn't here!" Not much of a ring to it in my opinion. Talking of rings May, how is your Wagner getting on? Do you like the bits where you have to sing and play at the same time? Good job that you aren't a french horn player!!!
I don't think that it is Lidd that has run away with Larry May. He was going to Maud's place earlier. They pretended it was for a singing lesson, but I think that he was really going to lend Maud one of his flowery shirts for her scarecrow!
Right May, back to Wagner. I don't think that you should be in a rush to varnish the bass May. My friend Lawrence Ll-B is coming up on the weekend. You could ask his advice. He'll know what will suit it.

Hey, May. Lidd is back. Let's party. Well, rather let's play Wagner. She won't tell us where she has been I bet!

Coo-ee!!! I'm back agen gels!! Can't keep an' old lady away fer too long ay! I bin gettin' meself sorted fer Leeds lovies. I'm goin' up there before you's two, so's I can 'ave a gander at the luvverly fellas sights before I get lumbered acquainted wiv you lot. Gettin' me 'air done on Satdy. Fougt I might go Strawberry Blonde wiv cream highlights! What d'ya reckon then?

Got some cake 'ere what's 22 years outa date...should be Ok if ya want some wiv a panad...