You's right wicked to me you's lot are, ya reelly reeelly are wicked ta me honest ya are.

Ain't they wicked Jennie? Wake up Jenny fer goodness sake will ya wake up!

Stroof- I'm orf ta 'ave a barf..ain't 'ad one since Christmas, so that's pretty good goin' ay?

Remember ta turn you's floot sideways May...ya look a right narner if ya try ta pluck it darlin'.

Laters luvvies
Liddy XXXXXXXX

I cannae remember who's who! Do you think you could make another list dearie?

*smiles to reveal sparkling new falsies*

Ma fella - weeeell, I'll tell ye, he seems tall tae me, mind I'm only 5 foot 3 though love! Some of these young 'uns these days would probably say he's too old for me, but he's nae that old - 82. Still life in the ole dog yet so there is



I'm sure they don't mean it love (probably going a bit senile, but shush!! don't tell them that!)

I am awake!!!! The nice man didn't give me my pills today!

You's lucky 'e's 82 deary..May likes the younguns even though she's 96.

Cor...would ya look at them bright old teef a yorn! A credit to ya orfa orffy dentist darlin'. Mine look like they come outa the old grave yard. One of 'ems got "RIP" on it...what's that about then?

What d'ya wanna list of then hen?

Umm...how can I put this politely...

Which person is pretending to be which old dear...

It's a wee bit confusing you see

Pretending...PRETENDING!! We are old ladies true and dear..all for one and one for...oh never mind...I'll see if I's can 'elp ya deary..

Lydia Coal- Bunker (MOI!!) The piana player extrordinare! Has free kiddies..Arfur Coal-Bunker, Philma Coal-Bunker and Indie Coal-Bunker. Is the widow of Iva Coal-Bunker who was a bit of a womaniser if ya get me meanin' darlin'. 'E's chasin' the gels up above now, gawd rest 'im. Liddy is the life an' soul of the place swee'eart! Stick wiv me an' you's be fine....

Adeline Nuffield-Owen (Addy Nuff) is Petrat! She's a bit of an oddbod from Wales. Speaks goo ga goff lingo. (Panad is a cuppa tea, if you's wonderin'). She was a bit of a singer in 'er prime, but 'as lost it a bit now, bless 'er ay?

Great Aunt May (The Old Lady) is ...er....well...knickerless but likes red sparkly shoes! Claims to 'ave money but ain't got two bob to 'er name. Plays the floot and says she's a singer, but when asked ta sing, says she ain't a singer after all

Summat Else(Jod)..ain't around much nowadays since she got 'erself caught by the harem in Egypt..very painful..I fink she is a singer, but possibly not really.

Maude (katyjay) an old bag lady ya need ta watch out for...very scary in the dark when she's caught ya in the hallway...

Lavinia (Lavvy) (Skylark) she was in Liddys 'ouse when the gas ring bloo up an' is now sadly departed, but pays a visit now an' then..Ya believe in ghosts do ya Joan?

Sometimes, we 'ave MEN payin' us a visit.

Harry Larry Barry Parry Clarice Clari(Barry-clari) stole Addys limo so's she ain't too 'appy wiv 'im. He plays a bit a wood wiv 'oles in but uses lolly sticks instead of reeds. Bit daft innit, sweet?

Rusty Bucket (St George) You gotta watch this one very carefully Janey! 'E said 'e would marry me but didn't! Left me standin' like a narner in all me weddin' finery. 'E's disappeared lately, which is just as well.....

I fink that's everyone sweet.

Put the kettle on then Jinny ..Ta darlin'

Excuse me!

If you must insult me, madam, at least please spell my name properly.

Maud Worthington. Pleased to meet you.

And me name's Judith

Updated List:

The Lady Members of OLTVA (Old-Ladies' Traditional Values Association)

1. rosfrog ~ Renie (Founder)
2. Boo Radley ~ Gladys/Mabel
3. sarah-flute ~ Doris
4. Cyrilla ~ Gertrude
5. andante_in_c ~ Peggy
6. bobifier ~ Maricia
7. katyjay ~ Maud
8. sbhoa ~ Ethel
9. Amber ~ Winifred
10. janexxx ~ Edna
11. Choddy ~ Agatha
12. Oddball ~ Deirdre
13. Car Expert ~ Judith
14. diapason ~ Great Aunt Dilys
15. noodle ~ Agnes
16. Chaos_91 ~ Venetia
17. nicki_flute ~ Dorothy
18. benjaminja ~ Gretchen
19. barry-clari ~ Beryl
20. JudithJ ~ Martha
21. Deborah ~ Enid
22. maggiemay ~ Flo
23. jod ~ Elsie
24. superpyroman ~ Mildred
25. Rainbow ~ Iris
26. The Oboemeister ~ Vera
27. SuzyMac ~ Lillian
28. lucietake2 ~ Alma
29. Frederic Chopin ~ Claribel
30. Bob ~ Doreen
31. Lady Bobbington ~ Joan
32. hazel ~ Flossie
33. elliewelly ~ Olive
34. Susie ~ Queenie
35. The Old Lady ~ Great Aunt May
36. petrat ~ Adeline
37. violin-ann ~ Mathilda
38. Charlies Aunt/appleblossom/DaisyChain ~ Lydia
39. jazzfan ~ Lavinia
40. Miss Ross ~ Jeanie

Hope I haven't missed anyone out on this list

Judith

Stroof...look aht, Maude's abaht.....

Thankyou all soo much me lovelies!

I've never met so many aquaintances in one day so I haven't!

Oh gosh; isn't Judith a man?! Traitor in our midst, traitor in our midst!!

Help!! I need me pills...

Oh, my fella just arrived with that 'water' I wis tellin ye's aboot afare...

No, I'm really a woman

Judith















































I'm wearing a wig

Ooh dear...you's alright are ya Jonny?

Judiths bin stuck behind me fridge for the past sixty years. She still finks there's a war on! If she ever get's aht, I can stick me fridge back proply. Move yaself Judy!!

'Ave ya taken ya pills Jacky?

Ah sure have dear. The silly old codger lowered me dose though, so I willnae be drifting aft mid-conversation.

and it's JEANIE love - JEANIE!!

Dear me, dear me...

It's nice and cold here, though

Judith

Judith, yer in luck. Ah just finished making a wee rug so I did, nice bit of crochet even if I do say so meself. Yer welcome tae have a borrow af it if ye want?

Cuppa anyone whilst I'm on ma feet?

Lidd, what's going on? That Maud was shouting about something, and Great May has gone out, taking her flute and her bass with her, Summat hasn't been seen for ages and Georgie and Larry have vanished off the face of the earth!

I'll bung the kettle on and we can have some hot chocolate and some rice pudding.

Would anyone like to have a go at my Wagner after supper? Or we could sing the quartette from Verdi's "Regulator" as Jeanette is a singer too.
I'm just off to put Eddie and Dobbin in the parlour. It's rather cold and windy outside for them.

By the way Jeanetta, Dobbin and Eddie are my faithful fell ponies, except that Eddie is a dales pony. When it is cold I let them come indoors.

Are georgie and Harry the ol' faithfuls then?

My word, how things ave changed around here. A kettle for rice pudding?! Horrendous.
An I though you were different Adeline...

(What an old fool Lidd!)

Janette Dear, Georgie and Larry are definately not old faithfuls in any way, shape or form. Larry is known as Love-em-and-leave-em-Larry because that's just what he does! He has had a string of lady friends as long as something that is very long indeed, and at the end of the month sure as anything he dumps them and moves on! He always sends flowers though! He has a standing order at the local branch of Interflower. It must cost him a small fortune! And as for Rusty Bucket-Head, he used to pretend that he was Saint George, just because he and the real Saint George share the same birth date! he is seen dressed up in a suit of armour, crashing about on a wooden hobby horse! He was going to marry Liddy after Larry left her for Haddock Lil.

And the kettle is for the hot chocolate you stupid old bat and not to make rice pudding in. We'd have to suck it out through the spout!!! Ugh1

It's not lady-like to mock the afflicted!

Poor Liddy, that Larry sounds like a right... daft ol codger, passing up an opportunity like that

And what happened to 'St George' after all that dear?

*listens intently, trying not to fall asleep again*

Blimey Jasmine..there ain't no need ta shout ya 'ead orf darlin'!!

Stroof Add....Justine's a bit tetchy ay gel? Fancy finkin' Georgie an' Larry were old faifuls..hehehe..she got a lot ta learn 'as old Juney!

'Ere Add...'ow come old May an' Jemima can write in big letters an' we can't??? Ain't fair that is it?

Would love an 'ot choclit swee'eart. Ta darlin'. Me poor froat...I'm coffin' like a goodun. Won't be able ta sing, but I can 'um fer ya if ya like sweet.

Georges suit of armour got rusty so 'e ain't no good ta me now. I frew me old tin opener away so's we can't get 'im out. Serves 'im right ay Jonty?

Tetchy? So would ye be if ye'd been lumbered with an other 'alf like mine, so ye would! I tell ye, he has me up all hours making tea and waterin' the petunias...I'd rather be kept on ma toes by sum'n like one ah those pair ah rascals

'Ot chocolate sounds lovely dear...nae too much sugar though (it isnae good faer the ol arterioles)

Jeannie, Gemima, Ginny, Jimmy, Johnney, Gerturde, Gillian, Jeanette Me xx

Forgot ya name 'ave ya Jeannie ???

I did it Add...I did big letters!!!!

Jeanie?! Who's Jeannie?!?

Some friend ah yers or sum'n no doubt. Or an arch - enemy per'aps?

Don't upset Greenie Lidd. She's new even if she is very old indeed. Maybe she is as old as May.
Pity you aren't well enough to sing. Never mind. Have another try tomorrow. Fancy a dish of porridge our aged Scots duck?
GREENIE
Where is she Lidd?

Ah'm here you dingbat! (sorry)

hmm...porridge sounds good...have ye got any treacle love? I ken it's bad for the teeth, but they're nae real anyway dear...

Ah've forgotten how old ah am. 69 last time ah looked at the calendar.

Who are you calling a dingbat you old gastrapod? 9Liddy, what is a dingbat? Is it good or bad, and should I be cross?)
I haven't got any treacle but i do have some golden syrup. Will a blob of that do?

Only sixty-nine Greenie? Even May admits to being older than that. You must be eighty if you are a day. It is no good just choosing your favourite number and then pretending to be it. I am a bit short on bowls so you can use the washing up bowl for yours. Here, coming up!
Can you talk in that funny garlic language Greenie? Lots of Scottish people can, especially the very old ones I think.

I fink a dingbat is what ya use ta play ding wiv Add!? Eiver that or it's someone what ain't sa clever in the old brain department.....


Cheeky that new gel int she? She can lead the solos at the Camel tonight..see what kinda talent the old gel 'as ay Add? She ain't ever 69 eiver. She's 80 wivout no shadder of a doubt darlin'.

What you's up to taday then? I reckon I got meself a froat infection now Add. I'm fallin' apart swee'eart I reely reely am...give us a toon ta cheer ya old pal up a bit, there's a chum..

Ta everso
Lidd xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Addy, singinmg loudly but as always, very beautifully : "

Under The Greenwood Tree, My dog just had a p found a bone la la la

Get out of my Garden Maud,

Over the quiet hills

Orpheus broke his lute

Seated one day at the organ, I was itching and full of fleas

Moon River, sets your heart a-quiver"

Feeling better now Lidd?

It is a lovely day so I am going out on Eddie for a burn-up around the village soon.
Get better by the time i come back Lidd. It is not the same when you are ill.

Luvverly darlin'..I feel much worse better already! Ta sweet!

(To the tune of Moon (bloomin') River)

Dear Addy, ya sing so bloomin' well
I wish that I could do the same
Oh dear Addy, your pal Liddy
Is ever so grateful
For hearin' you sing

Dear Addy, I got meself so dahn
But you pick me up agen, it's true
We'll go to the Camel tonight
And hear that Jeanie sing
(If she can, the silly fing)
My pal Addy and me!!!!

Laters lovies
Lidd XXXX

Well that will go down a treat in Leeds Lidd. Glad that you are better. Eddie is standing outsede in the wind with his tack on waiting for me to fix his cart on so I'm off now. I'll look out for Georgie, Larry, May and Greenie as I go.

Liddy for goodness sake, don't encourage Addy to sing so much, we'll get complaints from the neighbours
I've told you before, I am only 45. Not 90 You may all be old codgers, but I am young lithe and very supple. Look Addy, I can still do the splits
May.

(Off to do my very first piano concert. In the Adult beginners group. TERRIFIED.)

Good luck May!

My oh my, you lot don't believe I can sing?! By Jings. As sure as old Hector MacLeod's incon rich as a pauper, I can sing!

I can write stuff tae, I'll have ye ken!

Oh dear me,
What am I tae dae?!
Ye's show me such spite(!)
But I don't want to fight =(
I have so much respect for ol' May

Good luck to ya May!! Or should that be good luck ta Mays audience!! Hehehe! You'll be alright gel. Meet us at the Camel after an' tell us all abaht it. We'll be right bored delighted to hear how ya got on.

'Ere Add, I noo that Joanie couldn't sing..wouldn't mind if I could understand a word of it. Who's Ken then Jen? Is 'e ya signiffycant uvver?

I was merely tryeen to talk like the locals... seems like it didn't work, eh!



Pfft, maybe me petunias need tending to...

Ah..don't take on so ducky. Get yaself ready an' come dahn the Camel wiv me an' the uvvers. I can't say a lot, but I'll write me answers in a book for ya's. I might fall asleep an' all, but pay no heed ta me hen!

You got pet unias 'ave ya Jean? What kind of animal are they then? I got me pet cat Tiddles. You'll meet 'im one day if you's unlucky darlin'.

Put the kettle on then lovey. Ta sweet.

Is it a cuppa tea yer's wantin' dear? If I remember ah've got some greyying Earls somewhere in this cupboard...

Me pet unias are lovely darlin', I'd offer you a cutting but they're a wee bit fragile at the moment. Ah've also git a human-guzzlin'-rabbit-type-thing but ah'm too scared ov 'im tae even talk ov 'im...

Yes..just a normal cuppa darlin' if ya please...I ain't into this Pearly Grey stuff...tastes like me old deodarant !! Yuk darlin'.

What's that ya got Joanne? A big rabbit what eats hoomans? Ain't ever 'eard nuffing like it...I bet you's pullin' old Liddys leg ain't ya? You bin on the gin agen sweet?

Tally ho ladies! That was good fun. We had the cart going at a right old speed and then Eddie had a nasty fright! We heard a horrible clanking noise. I thought that one of the wheels had come adrift but no, it was old Rusty Bucket-Head charging around on that hobby horse of his spouting sonnets. Eddie was quite shaken up but we followed May's advice and Eddie lifted his tail at just the right moment. The locals will have to treat it as a mini-roundabout until someone steals it for their rhubarb.
What are we going to sing at the Camel then? Music Hall songs would be good for a laugh, and even May can get them right.

Just like the ivy, I'll cling to you.

No love, I'm no pullin' yer leg! It bit me evil twin sister the ovver day when she tried tae give it a carrot. Ungrateful critter (the rabbit, not the sister dear)

GIN?! Where's the gin? I can usually smell it a mile orf, must be loosin' me marbles

Music Hall songs sound good Addy love...

I'll 'ave ta sit an' hum while you's lot guess what I'm 'ummin'! We could play that "Name that Toon in One" fingy. All prize money goes ta Liddy charity..

So's ya sin Rusty ay Add? Daft old fing on 'is 'obby 'orse! Shall I show a bitta compashun an' rescoo 'im then? What d'ya reckon? I'll 'ave a cuppa tea while I fink abaht it...

No, don't bother Lidd. He looked happy enough in a sad sort of way. Leave him and his hobby horse to do their own thing, for a while anyway.
I've got a brilliant song for Leeds, with no terrapins in it at all. And I am going to take my bass duck caller too. If that Harry Parry is short of bass instruments in his finale he should be very grateful. It can quack lower than a bassoon on a good day. I'll make that lass of Richmond sound really ill!

OK sweet..we'll leave 'im ta go rahnd and rahnd then..

Sahnds like you's gonna sabbytarge Larrys moosic!!! Is that what ya gonna do is it Add? Are ya really Add? Ooh dear!!! Hehehe...should be a laff ay? I got loadsa lolly sticks fer 'is wooden fing wiv 'oles in!! Not long ta go now ay darlin'??

How d'ya reckon May's concerts goin'? Shall we go an' boo, cos we're good at that int we Add??

Yes, let's! We could join in the choruses too, very loudly!

Holds up a sign with...

Boo! on one side and Get orf May,do!! on the other!


These will do won't they Add, seein' as I can't shout at the minute!!

Yes, those are good.

How about these:

That's the worst thing I ever heard!

It wasn't that bad!

You're right. It was quite good!

Yes, Great! Best thing I ever heard!!

I think that the flea spray has affected my Lidd. I don't know what I am saying any more. O for a good psychiatrist!

I could highly reccommend my pyshc physch shrink (if I could remember his name!) He's very nice, so he is.

Poor May; is it really that bad? Surely not!

Hehe!! Joanie! Our Addy lives wiv a psychiatrist!! Bloomin' luvverly 'e is too...don't tell May though!

Is May bad darlin'? Well, if you's ever get a fire in ya house, don't yell FIRE!! just yell MAY'S GONNA SING!! Ya 'ouse will be clear in no time swee'eart!!

May was probably very good in her time but, unlike me, she hasn't kept up her daily practice and, as a result she has totally lost it. No muscle tone, no decent (Plenty of very indecent) repertoire and no recent concerts to speak of. When she goes to chapel she clears the place in minutes and at the local festival the poor adjudicator looked at her after a particularly interesting rendition of some Mozart and said "The kindest thing that I can say to you May, is Thank you for coming!"
She is very kind though and didn't make too much of a fuss when we destroyed her Strad bass and burnt an old Chippendale chair. She is a man stealer though, so watch her with your feller!

Thanks for the tip love, I'll certainly keep my eyes on 'er!

That reminds me, oh dear, I haven't practiced me singin' for a while - it's me breathin' ye see, it's gettin' worse.

Ach, methinks I'll go an' pop the kettle on...

It was a triumph, a total triumph.........my fans, my adoring fans all came to support me. Ahhhhhhhhh, the adulation
Thank you for all the good vibes girls, I could feel them in my water
Everyone played well, some had false starts, but managed to keep going, and no tears
I played , so I thought, appalingly. BUT, my dearest God-son, Matthew, had recorded it on his telephone, and as I heard it played back, the notes were all there, in the right order, and the correct rhythm. I felt my dynamics were levelled out a lot, but as my fingers were like carrots/parsnips/leaden sticks, it wasn't bad at all. First time over now. (My daughter was good too, age 6 and note perfect, and a little bow......no one else did that, couldn't wait to get back to their chairs )
May.

Well done darlin'!!! Leeds here we come! Ain't no stoppin' ya now sweet!