Sahnds to me like she took a wrong turn an' ended up at the bloomin' norf pole swee'eart!!! What she on abaht slay bells for this time a year??? Are they six mumfs ahead of us in the Trossachs May? ay May? are they May?

What ya worryin' abaht Fantom Fanny for? Fought you's diddunt beleeve in 'em???

Wheres' Add?


WWWWWWWWWwoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

'Ere...what was that then???

Oh look...it's that Randy Lord Webster...doin' anuvver moosical...go an' ordishun May..go on May...I dares ya May....

Sings The Phantom of the opera.................
Was that any good Liddy, was it, was it, go on, was it????
May.

BOOOOO! There! Bet that scared you all. Who wants a go with my new ouija board then?

Stroof...me poorly ear just got even more poorly darlin '...don't call us lovey...

Hay May...you's in luck!! Randy says they needs a Zombie as a nextra!!! Ya gotta stand at the back an' look scary...suit you ay sweet?

Oh 'ello Add...I'll 'ave a go on ya washin' board sweet...

Okay,,,, IS THERE ANYBODY THERE?




It says not Lidd!

You ask it....

Helloooo...anyone?

I seem to 'av lost me way and me marbles...

Ow, what's that? Bloomin' great rock, so it is...

HELP!!

I'm gettin' scared now (more scared than when me an Lidd got stranded on the beach...)

OI!!! Is there anyone there or not??! Oooh Add...it's movin'...what's it sayin'??

"L"......."A"........"V"......."V"........"Y"......

Blimey, Add....fought we could do better than that....

Jeannie....what are you doin'?

Flippin' noisey weejee board this is turning out to be Lidd. Did you hear it yelling HELP then? It must be a trapped spirit. What shall we do Lidd?
Ah not a raal spook, just Greenie messing around as usual.
Lavvy! She hasn't come through has she. Is that you Lavvy? Can you get some of your friends to come in for a chat too? This will be a hoot Lidd.

Dunno abaht no trapped spirit but I's gotta bitta trapped...never mind...must be that rubbish we 'ad fer supper.

Helloo! trapped Spirit....Speak and we will ignore help you oh poor wretched soul.....


Are you's impressed Add? Are ya Add? Good innit Add? Ay Add?

Oh, there y'all are...'av I missed the tour?

I don't know what 'appened there loveys; one minute I was keepin' the mulled wine company, the next, everythin' 'ad gone dark and I couldn't see where yous 'ad gone...

What ever are yous doin' gels?! Playin' snakes and ladders, eh? If the gins stuck in the bottle love, just give it a good shake!

Oh dear, you shouldn't be playing with these whatsit boards, very dangerous.
Glad you are back in the land of the living Joanie.
That'll teach you to glug the mulled wine.
Leave that oojar thingy and have this lovely supper in the haunted hall, where Phantom Fanny runs every night at 22.38
May, who is a bit scared.But not much.

I hope that they do good veggie grub for me May. Did that trapped spirit leave just then Lidd or was it the garlic?

SSSHHHH!!!! Jacky!!! we's talkin' to them what has passed over...you's gorn an' scared 'em all orf agen swee'eart! Looks like gin is the only spirit 'ere now darlin'....


Speak to us oh dearly departed.....and will you's 'urry up abaht it cos we ain't got all night..

Stroof..it's like waitin' for the No 6 bus....we'll 'ave free of 'em along 'ere in a minnit.....

Ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I am the spirit of poor old Fannyyyyyyyyyyyy.
I have been trapped here for 235 years. Heeeeeeeellllllllllllllllpppppppppppp meeeeeeeeeeeeee

Well you aren't trapped any more you daft old duck. Get thee to a better place and let us eat our supper.

Give over will ya do MAY!!!

Fanny the fantom's fancy folly darlin'.

Cor..that garlic felt like it 'ad been trapped for 235 years...that's better though...beggin' pardon ladies..

Yes, let's. Being confused does great things for your appetite you know...

Lovely onion soup this. Any more of those hot bread rolls to dip?
I wonder if we will get any proper ghosts tonight, apart from Old Lavvy and that fraud with the windy problem!
O look! Did you see that shadow over there following Great May around? Who could that be I wonder. Not Hudson, that so called brother of hers? No, it's wearing a long dress. Can't be him!
Lidd, it looks very like.....yes, it is! It's your Philma. Has he got a job as an extra here Lidd? Since when has he worked for rent-a-ghost Lidd?

Philma??? PHILMA????


Sound of crashing as Liddy falls in a faint to the floor

Wake up Lidd you big buffer. It is Philma but he isn't a dead ghost, He is just dressed up as one. He is fine, really; well. as fine as he ever was. He is just working here to see May again. Can't think why though.

Stroof darlin'...I ain't bin sa frightened since Stoopid Bert took 'is teef out for the first time!! Cor...I 'ad a right old turn there Add, I reelly reelly did 'ave a right old turn there, I did Add...

What's 'e want wiv May then???? Stroof I couldnt cope wiv 'im bein' let dahn by 'er agen...'e'll be playin' I Spy fer the rest of 'is days....what we gonna do Add?

May hasn't seen him yet Lidd. She is too drunk to see anything very clearly. Let's just keep her well suplied with whatever she is knocking back drinking and hope that she doesn't see him.

Ohhhh..I'm 'avin' the panickin' ab dabs Add!! Where's Lavvy when you's need 'er? Or that Granny Smiff Apple Tart Blossomy fing what used ta be 'ere???


Add....I's gonna faint agen...I needs ta put me feet up in the air before I keels over like that Gigantic boat in the film wiv Leonard di Cappryo...I'm goin' Add..I'm fallin' dahn Add....

Heavens above Lidd. Stand up you old goat. Everyone is staring at us. Ha ha ha ha ha They think that you are fainting because you have seen a ghost. Let's tell them that you have. That'll be fun.

Hey folk. This lady here has just seen a real live ghost. Old and ugly it was, with a clanking chain and a big white sheet on its head.

Look Lidd. They've all run the other way. Shall we follow them or just stay here and get May really drunk? I think that your philma went the other way too.

Me Philmas always bin the uvver way darlin'..that's the trouble!!!! Any gin left in that bottle then? I fink I wanna go 'ome Add...bloomin' old idea of Mays...she's gorn an' all.


I could annarf do wiv a nice cuppa panad Add.

'Ere darlin'...I bin meanin' ta ask...why is there an Add Reply on 'ere? D'ya know 'er do ya darlin'? Don't say a lot just sits 'ere...not like you ay Add?? Hehehe....

Dunno about the ADD REPLY thing. I always assumed that Great May had one that says MAY REPLY and that you had one with LIDD REPLY on it.
Kettle's on as we speak Lidd. I don't know about last night. I slept like a log once by head hit the bed post pillow and I didn't hear or see any proper ghosts at all. I was hoping that Lavvy would have brought Mozart in. or your pal Wiggy, but nothing! Just your Philma in his sheet dress thing.
Fancy a trip out in the cart Lidd? We could go to the next town and hit the charity shops and get ourselves something really posh for Leeds.
Have you got a new hat yet? I am thinking of updating my tea cosy with a few spring blooms.

Good Morning Ladies. Hope you enjoyed the trip last night. Do you know, although I said I don't believe in ghosts, something funny happened. When I was was looking around the hall, I felt like something was following me, it was a feeling of something not of this earth Ah well.
I am all for a cuppa and a trip to the shops for Leeds, should I get a hat Addy, what do you think?? What sort of "look" do you both think I should go for??
May.

'Add Reply' 'tis useful for quoting more than one lady. You can click on the 'quote' buttons so they turn red for the ladies you want ta quote, and then click 'Add Reply'.

Judith

But, Judith, why is there no Lidd Reply or May reply (or Jeannie reply for that matter)? Why only Add??

There's always 'May Assistant'...



Judith

pfft. Yes dear, veeery funny. Oh dear, me eyes are watering now...

Blinkin' 'eck, can't a ghost rest in peace in this place First I'm summoned up to Trussucks by someone callin' 'erself Miss Woss, gabblin' on about wantin' to meet me. 'Ow do I know that's 'er real name anyroads - for all I know she could be that Dr Garry Parry chappie in disguise Then I get a tip-off that there's goin' to be summat happenin' down at this National Psychic Laboratoire place - don't know what that's all about, sounds like they learn 'ow to be ghosts down there or summat... then I'm called back up up to Leeds by that Skylark woman wantin' me to check out 'otels for other ghosts, and now I'm summoned by you old ladies. Ladies you call yerselves! You weren't no ladies when I were alive an' kickin', that's fer sure!

Do I need to use another medium to communicate with you? It's me Elsie - alive and kicking still looking after a pregnant donkey and preparing for a family holiday in Italy. Now having watched that delightful programme on channel 4 on tuesdays I've not got the courage to show a little flesh. Camisole tops are fine... even thinking about ressurecting that belly-dancing outfit I got when away with you lot. Have fun in Leeds.

Else

Eee Elsie luvvy, I didn't know you 'ad the callin' like. You've kept that under yer bonnet 'aven't you. I can 'ear you coming through clear as gin, I can. So yer off to Italy then, I think I'll follow you over there - it'll give Addy chance to give her attic a good clear out. I tell you Elsie if there were a club for people who didn't like housework, she'd be t'first to join. What wi' all t'junk she's got up here, there's hardly room for us all now that Apple and Auntie Charlie have come to stay wi' me. I used to have Addy's Attic all to meself, I did, now I feel crowded out of me own 'ome I do.

But your going to Leeds before I'm back from Italy! I'm no good at housework either, does me no favours!

You'll need a skip for the contents of addy's attic, better sift through it carefully, there may be some priceless relic!

Oi! Who you callin' a priceless relic???!!!

You's orf are ya then Summat? I 'ope you's learnt 'ow to eat that spaggetty stuff....last time it was all on ya 'ead...or was that ya hair? Dunno, but ya looked a right fright I can tell yas. 'Ope you's ave a good time sweet. Goin on one of them gong goong boat fings are ya? You watch what 'e does wiv that big pole fing...could cause ya great mischeef darlin'.

I would ask ta come wiv ya's but I would 'ave ta choose between Italy an' Leeds!!!!! Tough choice innit???

See you's when ya get back then lovey.

"Just one cornetto, give it to me......."

Ghosts? Ah thought there was no such thing as ghosts, yet we've bin spoken to by some today! .

Anyone fancy comin' dahn the Novar Arms for a bit - apparently there's a bit of a party goin' on, everyone's invited too...Don't think yous 'av' bin there before, 'av' yous gels?

Well, I' must go an' find me hat, the one with the ostrick feathers...

Where's this place of yours then Janiter? Do we 'ave ta dress up posh like? Tell me I ain't gonna 'ave annuver fright like last night darlin'! Me nerves wouldn't stand for it they reelly wouldn't stand for it!!!!!

I got me 'at on me 'ead so's I'm all set. Where ya gorn Janice?

SHe's disappeared like a puff of smoke
Someone mention the pub, come on Addy, get a move on. We are going to a new pub. Hope the grub's better than the Purple Camel
Let's all do the conga, conga conga conga
Great Aunty May.

Am I in the wrong pub or what? Ain't no-one 'ere.....

Ah well...barman!...a pint of your finest gin if you please young man!! Ta everso.

Sorry Lidd, we just nipped out to the Ladies to have a chat
Liddy, put that barman down............Gordon Bennet Addy, how much gin has she had. Look, she's got a pint glass. Wake up Liddy, Liddy wake up.
Oh good grief, Lidd'll be banned from here. Let's just let her sleep under the table here girls. Now let's see the menu
May,

Oh there's you are...bin a bloomin' long time in the ladies ain't ya?? What d'ya find ta talk abaht then?? And May, darlin' there ain't no need ta bloomin' well SHOUT!!. You's like one a them old fog 'orn fings...

Where's Add then? Gorn orf wiv Add Reply 'as she? I see there's a Fast Reply an' all, but we don't talk abaht ladies like 'er do we May??

This gin's bloomin' marvellous...fill 'er up swee'eart if you'd be so kind...bit of a looker that barman ay May??

Thought you were asleep Lidd/ Add's disappeared, but sometimes I pretend she's here
The barman's drop dead gorgeous Is he attached??
May be naughty.

Attached ta what May?? A bitta string?...me leg?...oh..you mean is 'e spoken for...?

'Ere Barman...May wants ta know if you's marry 'er, darlin'!!!!!

Sound of tables crashing and glass smashing as barman runs and jumps out the window...

I'll take that as a "no" then.....

Thanks a lot Lidd, you certainly know how to wreck a girls' chances OK, OK, I admit, he's a bit young for me, looks about 32, I admit that a 13 year age gap is a bit much, but what the heck.....if you see it, go for it
It's been a while since you were stood up at the altar so to speak.........got over it yet Lidd??
May.

May's getting married in the morning, dind dong the bells are ...........oops, my mistake May.

This new pub is a bit downhill from the Camel if you ask me. I thought that sawdust on the floor was just for the butcher's shop. I'll have a pint of that gin stuff too Lidd but ask him to put something else, (no, not Summat Else you fool! She wouldn't fit in the glass!) in too. I hate gin. It tastes of old perfume!
Want a song anyone?

Yes, please Add. What are you going to sing??
Lidd, had we better warn people??
May

Woooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Meeeeeeooooooowwww darlin'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I's young, free an' single lovey!! 'Avin' the time of me bloomin' life an' all. Why don't we go on one of them Aga Saga 'olidy fings?? You's might meet the rich old boy about to expire man of ya dreams swee'eart.

I'll get a brosher when I'm in tahn tomorrer. Good to you ain't I May?!