Flippin' eck, blimey an' what a bloomin' wash aht that was! Stroof gels..I've 'ad a weekend of it I reelly reelly 'ave 'ad a bloomin' right old weekend of it, I reelly reelly 'ave! Rocket Rob needs a rocket you know where darlin's! I could walk quicker. Then, we get's ta Leeds.."You'll 'ave ta swim, madam" some 12 year old polisman said ta me.."Swim...swim!!" says I "Do you know who I am young man!" "I have no idea,madam, but you swim and that's all there is to it!". Stroof, what a palaver. Nobody noo where they was goin'. Some twit bopped me in the eye..gotta bloomin' great shiner now gels.

Then I ends up washed up outside some old dahn an' outs place. Bloomin' bunk musta bin fulla fleas cos I ain't stopped itchin since. Then I'm layin' there snorin' me 'ead orf, when they comes and turfs me outa me flea pit. "You must leave the premises madam. You are an' old drunkard!" Well, WELL!!!. That got me gander up good an' proper I'm tellin' ya! I tries ta say I bet it was old Lavvy what was in me 'ouse when the gas ring bloo an' now 'aunts us ta cause trubble..but would they believe me? No!! Frone out like a sack of old spuds I am. Right there on the pavement! Me dignity dahn the drain.

Then THEN! No bloomin' concert. Wevver's too bad so they say! Gordons Gin now what?! Went up to the coast instead. I noo Lavvy was there cos she made the sea all ruff tryin' get me swept over! I was too quick fer that though!

So, 'ere I am back agen, wiv you daft lot lookin' fer summink what don't exist...a bit like Mays voice innit!! Hehehe!

Anyone fer a brandy then? Warm ya cockles ay?

Oh dear Lidd...sounds like you had a right good time in Leeds! Almost as good as what we’ve had, sitting beside this blooming pool of water looking for a monster. I have seen her before though, something (or someone!) must be putting her off today...

Fleas?! I hope you haven’t got fleas, imagine what would happen if Frodo or Tiddles was to catch them? I shudder to think...Brandy? At half three in the afternoon?! Well, I suppose you have had a brilliant weekend after all. Go on then dear.

I don’t know what any of you are doing this afternoon, but I think I’m going to have a rummage through some old photograph albums, should prove rather amusing. Shame it’s raining though, my pet unias need some attention.

Oooh!!! That brandy went dahn a treat !! Got any more 'ave ya Jeronimo?

I love old foters, me. The old brahn ones are the best. Did they 'ave camras in your day Jinny?

look!! There's Nessy!! Oh no it ain't..it's you Add! Alright are ya swee'eart?

Did they have cameras?! Of course. I was only born in the 50's! (1950's that is), and the only brown photos I've got are the ones that were left in the attic for decades.

I wonder who these people are? Look bloomin' happy, so they do. Hmm, oh! I remember...that was the summer of 69, and we were on a caravanning holiday in Wales, my lovely parents, my younger sister and that pesky half brother of mine. Gosh, that reminds me, I haven't seen him in absolutely ages, I don't even know if I remember his name . Last I heard from him, he was planning on marrying some older lady, but he didn't...Jack, or Jim or something like that I think his name was.

I think I need some more brandy now, this is hard work!

1950?? 1950'??!!! Who are you tryin' ta kid Jen hen? You's as bad as May!! You're 83 wivout no shadder of a doubt darlin'!

Summer of 69 ay? Some fella sung a song abaht that diddun 'e? Fine lookin' fella an'all 'e were.

Fancy not remembrin' ya bruvvers name sweet. Bit odd innit? Gotta bit a that dee men sha 'ave ya?

I fink you's must 'ave cos ya forgot ta top up me brandy darlin'! Good 'ere innit?

Any sign of Nesta yet? Don't believe in no monster nonsense. If it were seen an 'undred odd year ago, why ain't it dead then? Answer me that young Jenny, go on answer me that if ya can. Answer me question darlin'.

'Ere, Jinty! You got fleas 'ave ya? I ain't stopped scratchin' since I sat next to you ducky.

Here, take the bottle! If I have any more I will never remember who he is!

No sign of Nestle yet...maybe we should give up . She obviously doesn't like foreigners people who aren't local.

I am not 83 Liddy. I don't think I'm a day over 55. I don't think I look it either if truth be told, although lying people may tell you differently.

As for my brother, all I know is that he's from Yorkshire, left some woman in all her finery at the wedding and ran off, and hasn't been since. He sent me a picture of some lion a few months ago, but I don't recall remembering where from

In answer to your question, she ain't dead yet because she's alive!! And no, I do not have fleas (unless of course, they have jumped from you to me.)

I fink me fleas fled, Floss!! Fifty five?? Fancy finking from Fifi I feel! I fink I'm tipsy darlin'..hic...

Your bruvver sahnds like..err..whatsit...err...you know the fella...oooh can't fink of 'is name right now.

Give us a brandy an' I might recall it.

Nesquicks gorn gels! Let's go in fer goodness sake. Who's turn ta cook supper then?

I just gave you a whole bottle! Here, have another, although I seriously doubt that you know who he is...he doesn't really show his face that much .

I'm not lying honest Liddy, honest I'm not lying, truthfully from the very bottom (well, the middle) of my heart I'm not lying. I'll cook if you like, although I've no idea what seeing as everything seems to be running out!

WHere are you all? I've been monster watching for ages, except that there wasn't one to watch. Is there any supper left over? I cannot remember when I ate last. Flippin' monsters! Never around when you need them! I bet six will come along at once after I've gone.

I suppose the monsters are a bit like busses in that respect then. Do you like goats' cheese? I'm afraid that along with some lettuce and oatcakes, it was all I was able to rustle up this eveing, I really must go to Tesco tomorrow...

Still scratching away at those fleas are you Lydia? Why don't you try some of that Frontline stuff the vet gives you for Tiddles? It might help!

Sounds great! I love cheese. Good idea to give Lidd some Frontline. I have some louse powder of Eddie's that you can have too Lidd, just to make sure.

I stopped me scratchin' ta very much ladies! Mind ya, that old tom looks like 'e's 'avin' a good go. One of yours is 'e' Janey? Ya wanna get 'im sorted darlin'.

Dyin' for a cuppa. D'ya wanna put the kettle on Julie?

Ta darlin'.

Kettles on my dear

You haven't happened to remember that fella's name yet have you love? I've been puzzling over it all afternoon

No, I think that's one of my neighbour's cats - just throw let him out through the window

O good. I am thirsty after all of that non-existent monster-watching. Do you think that they will do a Scottish programme like Spring watch and call it Monster Watch? We could do the background music.

Nah..don't recall 'is name sweet. Got some kinda mental blockage like. musta bin the trauma what did it...

What moosic we gonna do fer this Watchin' Fer Monsters What Ain't There telly type fing then?

I've got it girls, I really have!! It came to me when I was polishing the silver

His name is George!! George is my brother! I don't have dementia after all!

Blimey.....not...George

*Falls in a dead faint to the floor**

How about Invisible You, Nessie doesn't live here anymore, Ten Ton Nessie Coming Down the Line?

Did someone mention old George?

I can't reply at the minute...I've fainted in case ya hadn't noticed.....

Yes Liddy.

Wake up!!!

I thought I remembered you from somewhere. You remember the Wedding's Off Party? Well, just before it was cancelled I arrived, only to see you all putting up signs that it had been cancelled. I didn't want to stick around, what with George having just done a runner, so I decided just to come up North again. It's all coming back to me now...

So where is the skunk now then Greenie? First Herry Parry and next George. It's all too much!

I don't know, but I'm darn well going to find him! He's got a lot of explaining to do, on many counts...

ooh me 'ead....

It wouldn't be any surprise to me if he hadn't gone off with Haddock Lil. What's the matter with Ed? he was fine when we went on the ride yesterday. What have you done to him Lidd?

I know of many reasons why this probably isn't the case...but it would involve too much recalling of history.

Liddy...are you ok?

What does "invole" mean Greenie? Is it dialect?

Yes, it means 'stir up'

I'm alright sweet..strong as an ox me, ya know...

What d'ya mean what's up wiv Ed? I bin on Rocket Rob ya daft wassock! Musta bin May or Joanie what did summink...don't "invole" me in this darlin'....

Oh yes, very funny... You wouldn't be laughing if you knew what sort of family you very nearly married into, my dear

Cup of tea anyone?

He isn't your Ed Liddy, he's my Ed. Don't you go damaging him. He has to last me a long time.
Fancy that Greenie being related to your George Lidd. Small world isn't it?

I fink I needs me bed...I's all confoosed abaht who's related to who, and me 'ead, an' your Ed. Musta bin that swimmin' in Leeds what did it....

I be fine in the mornin', gels. By the way, Nessy's in the back yard if anyone's interested....

Night night,

Liddy (I think I'm Liddy anyways...)

I'm off to take a look. Nos da Lidd.

Night girls!




Note to self: Remember never to mention illegitimate daughter to Liddy.

Nosey dad, Add xxx


A daughter Johnny????????? I won't sleep a wink now I reelly reelly won't sleep a wink, I'll be up all night I reelly reelly will....

ta everso...not...

I'm awake now too Sorry to have disturbed you Liddy, I may as well tell the sordid tale now (If only I'd remembered this when we were telling Ghost Stories)

It was the summer of '69, and I was 18 (see, that proves my age!! [kind of...]). It so happened that dear old Jeannie got into a spot of bother and ended up with a daughter, would you believe! . Anyway, my only option was to leave home, and I haven't heard from my parents or my sister since. The only person who I had heard from was trusty George, he always did look out for me and my Louise. But now I haven't heard from him since the non-wedding ...

Where are those sleeping pills? They work a treat.

This reminds me of that soap thing from USA called "Soap", where at the end they used to say "confused.........you will be".
Louise is Joanie's daughter.......right?? Is George the Daddy?? What's this got to do with our Liddy.
Please someone explain.
Add, did you see Nessie?? She's eaten Stumac, I 'm sure of it. There was a bit of his suit stuck in her teeth. Poor Stumac Won't be going to Stalybridge now will he?? Instead of Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" it'll be "Getting Stuck In Nessie's Teeth"
May.

So Nessie did eat Stuey?!? But, but, but... I don't understand. I think I'll leave the Nessie watching to the experts from now on.

Confused you will most definitely be, more so even than I May. Yes, Louise is my daughter. Is George the Daddy? I don't think I'm even going to answer that one, so take from it what you wish!

Panad anyone? It's such a lovely day today

Well, Nessie ate somebody in a dark suit but she started with the head so I missed seeing who it was. (Or wasn't by the time I arrived on the scene. Perhaps that was as well or she might have tried to eat me! I made a quick drawing of the event for the monster exhibition though in case people didn't believe me.
Kettle's on for another panad.

But Stuey's suit was light..................so who has she eaten??? Was it Stuey in someone elses's suit, or George without his armour, or Barry Clarri Larry..........or Hudson
Yes to the tea Addy
My mind is boggling.
May.

Not to worry Great May. It was only a tourist that had got drunk and wandered into the wrong place. All is well. Any Dundee cake to go with the panad? I "bought" some this morning from the skip outside Tesco.

The Tesco bins are quite good up here aren't they Add?
Please don't let it have been George...
Has anyone seen Liddy lately?

Must have been George. Even he couldn't sweet talk Nessie...........or could he
Unless it was Liddy
I like a bit of cake Addy
May.

I think he probably could, she's quite a soft-touch for a Yorkshire gentleman really

Dundee cake? I'm not sure I know what that is, I'll steal some as well though, if you don't mind

And with the click of heels I've returned. Sorry about that had things to deal with in East Anglia.

...call that food! You need me back in the kitchen. After the incident with that Angus Bull, I've had a word with a farmer round here and have a nice bit of sirloin to cook in a whisky, cream and mushroom sauce. Seasonal veggies and new potatoes.

Oh and as we're someway from Jeannie's kitchen I've been told we can use their holiday let ( Barn conversion big enough for the lot of us... + Jacuzzi and Swimming pool). Now I fired the Rayburn up before I met you all, its only 1/2 a mile away, and they can do stabling for the ponies.

Pud is home-made shortbread and gooseberry fool, oh and I'm doing a mushroom stroganoff for the veggies.

Elsie.

What on earf's 'appenin' 'ere?? Who got ate by Nesta? Who's the farver of ya daughter?? Is George ya bruvver?? Who's Angus Bull an' Ray Burn?? Where's me mind gorn??

I lost the plot somewhere.....ah...Brandy!! that will 'elp...

come back to this barn conversion and you soon see what I mean by Angus Bull and Ray Burn, and once you've curled up against the latter drinking some of that fine malt I liberated from the distillery, you won't care.

There's a cosy warm bed, now how do you want your beef cooked?

I 'eard old Georgie was tellin' Jeannie what ta say!!!!!!!!!! Cheeky ay?? I know an old bull but 'e ain't Angus! I like me beef very well done indeed ta Summat...

Cor, Ray, ya nice an' warm ain't ya darlin'?

If he was, and I'm not saying he was!, it's was only cause he thought it was about time you knew the truth Liddy. And you never know, perhaps I could act as a magnet, if you get my drift .

I like this little retreat Elsie - did I see you mention a swimming pool? And that cooking smells fabulous. I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't returned when you did!

Hmmm...'bout time 'e showed 'is face rahned 'ere if ya ask me... bloomin' magnet wiv all that armour...stroof can ya imagine!! My old mum used ta say "Lidd..ya only get bull from a bull darlin'..if ya want beef, get yaself a cow!". Me poor wise old mum...

Sniff snifff.....

And she was right dear...if you want the best, stick with the cows. The bulls are tempremental at the best of times, and always unreliable, not to mention inconsistant (in meat quality).

I think I'm going to put the kettle on, anyone?