Come on Add, let's put a jumper or 3 on and do the attic. We may find something of great value for that Antiques Show thingy on the TV.
Just don't mention that old hamburger that's all.
May.

Yes, you're right Great May. There is heaps of stuff up there from my Great-great-great uncle Edward's time onwards. I haven't looked at some of it ever. Let's start with that old trunk in the corner. It has always been locked so now is the time to take a hammer to it and bash it open to reveal it's secrets.

Addy bashes the lock with a hammer and it breaks open.

Look, May. Lots of old manuscripts.

Oooooh, look at all these dusty old bits of paper. Do you think they mean anything?
It's all in Hirouglies Addy. Do you know any Egyptians??
What's that big old blue and gold mask thingy in the corner? Is that from a fancy dress costume
Great Aunt May.

< switches off the lights so that the room is in darkness >

Flippin' electrics! I bet it is the mice chewing through the cables again.

Addy lights emergency battery lamp, sees light switch has put itself off, and all is well.


Ha ha, May. That was a mask that one of the local kids made in school when they were doing a project on Egypt. Nothing special. The papers aren't in heirogliffiks Egyptian script though; they are little sketches that Great-great-great Uncle Edward used to do. I have some of them in a frame on the music room wall. Let's see what else is here. We'll take the trunk downstairs later I think to sort out properly.
Oh look! Some old song books. We'll take those down too. We can have a run through them later.

My goodness you keep forgetting about the magic carpet and ruby slippers liberated from the harem on our Africa trip.

I didn't eat any of those mushrooms.

Now lets see what else is in this trunk!

Else

(Mushrooms, most certainly Lidd! )

These song books look interesting. Hand written ones too. This one reads "To my pal Edward from your pal Eddie El."

I wonder who he was.
There is a wedding invitation for Edward from him too. It is very old, dated 1889.

Alice and Edward would be honoured if you would attend on the occasion of their marriage. What a worthless bit of old rubbish to have kept for all these years. Still, the songs might be good.

Let's try this one:

Addy sings.

What a pomp and circumstance,
What a great enigma,
What made me marry Alice
And put that ring upon her finger?



As I thought. Utter rot Lidd. Let's bin it! It doesn't even rhyme properly. Not even good enough for the Purple Camel on a thursday night.

Are ya's feelin' quite alright Addy darlin'? Who's Eddie El an' Alice then? Sahnds like 'e's gotta loada regrets ay sweet? Is Alice one a them Aunts in agony? Like that Anny Rayburn gel? Does Eddie want some advice or what Add? Looks like the marriage ain't workin' if you's ask me.

"If I was you's I'd find yaself anuvver gel Ed." That's what I'd tell 'im Add.

I could write in them silly women's books couldn' I? What d'ya reckon then?

"Aunt Liddy's Le'ers..Write to you's pal if you's gotta problem, ladies. I promise I won't laff me 'ead orf at ya!".

Do I sahnd simpaffetic enuff Add?

'Ave you's gotta problem I can 'elp ya wiv gels?

Well Frodo, there isn't much else to do so I think I'l write to this old dear and see if she can't help us.

Dear Aunt Liddy,

"I've got a small problem which you could perhaps help me with, if you've got the time dear. You see, I recently had some friends of mine to stay, and it's ever so quiet without them, I'm at an absolute loss. I find myself wandering round the vegetable patch talking to the carrots. Is this normal, or should I be concerned?
Yours in anticipation,
Jeannie
PS - No, I didn't touch the mushrooms"

Cup of tea Frodo. Sorry, yet again I forgot that cats don't like tea

< takes Frodo's cup of tea and slurrrppps it down.... spills some of it of Jeannie's nice clean floor, ooops >

Dear Johnny
I fink ya pals left you's cos they'd 'ad enuff got uvver fings ta do, swee'eart. All 'olidays came to an end, and there ain't nuffing what can be done abaht it. Bung ya carrots in a Stu Pot or summing. No mushrooms? You's can't make a nice stoo wivout mushrooms! Got any dumplin's 'ave ya darlin'?

'Ope this 'elps ya ducky.

love Aunt Liddy.

I'm good at this ain't I gels?? Next one if you please!

Dear Aunt Liddy,
I keep thinking everyone is talking about me, and can't relax. What shall I do??
You-know-who.

**'Ere gels..did ya see May in 'er little dress an' bloomin' old red 'igh 'eeled boots? What a fright ay? you'd fink 'er bestest mate would say summink wouldn't ya? Assoomin' she'd got a bestest mate of course...**

Dear May You Know Who,
What on earf makes ya fink everyone is talkin' abaht ya gel? I fink you's might be a bit polaroid, darlin'. After all, I'm sure the gels what you know wouldn't dream of schemin' be'ind you's back, ducky. Get yaself an interest..an' I don't mean an interest in fellas what belong to uvver ladies, me dear. That would only give ya mates summink ta gossip worry abaht, cos I'm sure they all fink you's a daft old bag luvverly lady.

Will ya do that fer ya Aunt Liddy, May? Will ya get an interest May, ay May, what d'ya say May?

Good riddance luck to ya swee'eart.

Love Aunt Liddy xxx

PS Come on fellas..don't be shy. You's 'ave problems an' all, an' ya Aunt Liddy is 'ere to 'elp you's xx

Dear Aunt Liddy

I think I'm going mad. I found a saucer under my kitchen table, my cat on the outside of the window when the door was firmly locked, and tea on the floor!! I have no idea how this happened , can you help me dear? I'm rather old confused...

Jeannie Jane

Dear Jane,

Pack a bag darlin'. The men in white coats will be wiv ya shortly.

Enjoy your padded cell stay an' I sinseerly 'ope they frow away the key 'elp ya, I reelly, reelly do.

Finkin' of ya, sweet,

Love Aunt Liddy xx

You are turning into a real agony aunt Lidd. Those replies of yours are absolute rubbish most reassuring.

I am still in the working through the contents of this old trunk of Great-great-great Uncle Edward. H was quite a hoarder. Nothing worth keeping though. I have found some more of those dreadful songs by his mate Eddie El and each one is worse than the last.

How about this for real badness;

Down the little road at midnight
picking at his nose
with a face as red as a beetroot
Old Ned the shepherd goes!

There is one called "The Torch" too! Why on earth would anyone want to write a song to a torch? and my favourite so far is " Is she passing wind! Actually, he wrote the word "fair" and then crossed it out, but it wasn't much better. Shall I bin them or keep them to sing at parties, just for a laugh Lidd?

Stick 'em on the fire Add! You's an' me can do a lot be'er than that old tosh!!

'Ave you's got a problem I can 'elp ya wiv swee'eart?

I am throwing them on my fire as we speak Lidd. They do burn nicely, being so old and dry. I'll try to make up a problem later.

Righto darlin'. Them songs are burnin' like a goodun! 'Ope they aren't worf megga money swee'eart. You will 'ave a problem then, ay ducky?

< opens door to Liddy's garden shed.... >



< mountain of empty whisky and gin bottles collapses, with bottles rolling all over the garden >



< flees back to Jeannie's place >

Right Frodo, I think I've finally straightened this place out, and it no longer smells of fish!

That delightful young lady across the road has asked me to knit for her daughter, so I shall have to make a start on that, and then we can sit down with a cup of tea infront of the fire.

Just as well you like tea, isn't it Frodo

I wonder how the other girls are these days...Undoubtedly up to no good

Cor..stroof an' blimey flippin' eck what's that racket??? Who's bin movin' arahnd in me shed??! That you Tiddles? Come 'ome 'ave ya sweet?

I fink it's Stoopid Bert lookin' fer Annie Filactic again... I stuck a pin in 'er, Bert. She ain't no good to ya's now. May as well 'ave a wee dram while I'm 'ere.....Good 'ealf to ya gels...

'Ere gels...where are ya's all??? Me an' Add come second in that best couple type vote type contest type fingy!!!

We's 'avin a par'y!!! Come on gels...grab ya zimmers an' come on over....

I love parties Lidd. Shall we sing some more of this Eddie El muck Lidd? I found his third symphony, in full, today, and a fourth and a fifth, and some bits called Sand Pictures too. Let's burn them after we have sung them! Ever tried to sing a symphony Lidd?
Who wants a pint of cider and some rice pud?

Hello ladies! Bet you weren't expecting me to turn up now, were you?

Mmmm, rice pudding - now do we drink that straight out of the kettle Add?

Yeth! Thuck it through the thpout! You've been singing The Old Bazaar in Cairo again haven't you, Greenie?
Have some cider, old girl!

Cheers!

I sung a sympfunny when you was still in nappies Addy darlin'!

It was me Wiggys Pastoral doo da...I did the bird impressions an' everyfing. Me funder an' lightnin' at the end bought the 'ouse dahn!!

Rice pud ay? I got some brownie fingys 'ere what that gel gave me. Tuck in gels.

Anyone fancy a gin an' tea bag? (Tea bag fell in the bottle so's I can't get it aht now).

Well I've been busy, but it looks like you need some help with the empties in that garden shed.

<unrolls magic carpet and puts bottles on rug>

Well they're safely at the bottle bank now and here comes me carpet not a shard of broken glass on it.

What else needs the Elsie touch... just as long as its not an ants nest.

Well, you could try to work some magic on the family of moles that keep digging up my vegetable patch. The lettuces are a soggy mess between the moles and the storms. GRRRRR!
No lettuce salad tonight! I wonder if roasted mole is nice! Lidd, do you fancy a nice plate of Mole-in-the-hole for supper? I thought that we'd invite May and Summat round too. Then we can have a giggle at some more of this Eddie El rubbish! Some of it is really funny. There's an old diary too.

Else sets up mole traps < speakers ained down mole holes and a complete performance of Rigoletto on CD>

That should drive them out of your garden.

The overture to Die Meistersingers works well, and for those who really don't like high loud noises, I could always Karaoke a rendition of "Der Holle Rache".

Moles just don't like the loud stuff so Wagner is perfect, as is Verdi or any Coloratura show piece as they really don't like high sounds at all.

Just as long as its not ants I'm OK otherwise you need to local ambulance service briefed...

Oh and please don't use me as bait just so you can see a couple of men in uniform.

'Ere!!! Where's all me bottles gorn?? I coulda got a shillin' back from them at the Offy! Bloomin' 'eck Summat!!

I ain't sin the inside of me shed in donkeys years darlin'! Quite big in 'ere reelly innit? I fink I's could move in 'ere away from Old Stoopid. We's could 'ave a Shed warmin' do ay gels? Bring ya mole in the 'ole Add! Sahnds luvverly sweet. I'll warm up some dirt gravy wiv some a them luvverly mushrooms what we 'ad the uvver night.

'Ere, Summat darlin'...don't look now, but you's gotta stompin' great crowd of ants crawlin' up ya leg swee'eart...

Good even'in my dears, and how might you all be. Would you like to pop around for a cup of tea.

My name is Mrs Flora Potts

FLORA!!!!!!!


I've missed you so much my dear!! Why didn't you tell me you were disappearing off to France for 5 years, eh?! Frodo's missed you like mad, and it hasn't been the same without those rock-buns of yours. My word, you haven't (really) aged a day...

Cup of tea lovely?

Why thank you my dear! *Hugs*

I will have to get baking again, I am a bit out of practice with the ol' rock buns!!

Oh I've missed you and Frodo so much!!! Gizmo (my pet budgie) is so pleased to finally meet you!!

Well, I'll be flibberty jiggered!! If it ain't old Flora!!! Welcome ta me 'umble abode darlin'. You's comin' ta me shed warmin' do are ya's? Wipe ya feet then ducky. Where are you's from then Fauna?


**Add...who's this then?? Quick...do I know 'er??**

**Don't you's pretend eiver Joannie!! You don't know Flora from...from...anyone else!!**

That's the thing those Lidd, I really really really do know this one!!

Ah, the memories...

Here, Flora, you don't want to go off with that lot, I'm telling you! They get upto all sorts . I'd say you're much safer up here in Scotland doing PUSK trials making scarves.

Well, dears - I would LOVE to come to your shed warmin'!!!

I'll take off the flower print wellies!!!! - Don't ya' worry!

AND I'll bring some PINK paint!!!!

ohhhhhhhhhhhh...flippin' 'eck. Not a frenda Jeronimos's....

I can't stand it Add, me nerves won't take it...I needs a lie dahn...

OI! get ya shoes orf Jinny...this may only be a shed, but it's me noo 'ome...wipe ya feet an' all.

Pink paint ay? luvverly..(not)
ta darlin'.

I'm glad to 'ere you approve of my pink paint!!

I've also been busy bakin' and have brought some of my "Flora Proactive" rock buns!!

I hope you enjoy them !

I added extra raisins!!

'Stroof lovey'... Fine, I'll take off these wellies I found at the jumble sale the other day...

So, how many bedrooms does this rotten old lump of wood house/shed-type thing of yours have Liddy?

Mmm..raisins , bloomin' things. I heard that a certain old lady likes to take the raisins out, perhaps you cold recycle them Flora?

Lovely place you've got here Lidd...a bit cosy though. Mind you, who says that's a bad thing, eh?

Ta darlin'.

I got me own raisins what me rabbit leaves fer me every mornin'. I'll give ya some fer ya bakin'. I bet you's ain't tasted nuffing like'em ever in ya life, Franny.

are ya buns supposed ta glow in the dark, Flo?

What you's insinooatin' Jen? Cosy fer what? ya cheeky young tike...

Now, Now dears!!!!!

The Shed looks be-au-tiful!!!!

I brought some - plain scones!! - Just incase the raisins weren't everyones cuppa tea!!!

So please feel free to have some of them + I also have some *Homemade* strawberry jam!!! (Lidl's own!!)

I would worry yourself Flora - we're always getting at each other!! Just a bit of friendly banter, you know the sort!

Plain scones sound much more appealing if you don't mind me saying so dear. is Lidl a new foreign friend of yours lovey , I presumed it would be from the faithful old Tesco...

Never mind, ay girls? Might as well give it a go.

Lidl - is amazing my dears!!!

Anyways!!! Better be getting home!! Its passed Gizmo's feedin' time!!!

Lovely meeting you all dears!!!!

I will bring you a catalogue for Lidl tommorrow!!!!

Goodbye

Watcha girls! Addy's here! I have brought you a shed warming pressie Lidd. It is a sign saying "Liddy's Shed" . Good eh? And then I made another one that reads "Bert is Banned".
I hate that Lidl shop place. It is like a third world shop. I won't ever, ever go there. I much prefer the skips at Tesco's. You get some quality stuff there. I had some of their finest soups this week, and some boxes of chocolates that were past their best before dates. I've put them away for Christmas.
Autograph anyone? After all Lidd and I are (second) best couple on this forum place.

Ya sign's are grand darlin'! Fank goodness you's can talk a bitta sense darlin'! We got Flora Potty ta look out for now! Stroof ay?

Can't stand that Lidl place eiver. Name always reminds me of my Iva. 'E used ta say:

"Tea? Lidl put the kettle on"
"Hungry? Lidl get you's a sarney"
"Goin' on 'oliday? Lidl feed ya pets"

Flippin' eck an' blimey Add! I was runnin' rahnd like a mad fing.

You bin at the bins agen swee'eart? Gis a chocolate Add..we needs ta celebrate our fine acheevement ay?

'Ere Add...'ow do ya spell "Liddy"? I needs ta know if the good folk want me auto graff fing!

You can spell it how you like Liddy, but I always spell it as Liddy, Liddy! It wouldn't be Lyddy, that just looks stupid. And the short form would be Lidd, Lidd! Sorted now Lidd?
I threw away the rest of that Eddie El music. It was all useless. Why anyone would want to keep first drafts and half-finished manuscripts I will never know. The diary is very funny though. I'll read you some tomorrow.
Here, have a box of orange chocolate truffles Lidd.

Ok sweet.."Lid" looks good enuff ay? Won't use sa much pencil lead eiver! I dunno why you's wanted all that manooscript nonsense for Add. 'Ave a good clear aht darlin'. My old mum used ta say...

"If ya don't want nuffing after a year Lidd,...get rid, Lidd!" Out me old Bert went like a ball from a canon darlin'!! Hehehe!!

This choclit ain't 'alf nice ....got any of the white stuff 'ave ya darlin'?


Where's May gorn these days?

Yes, I have some white chocs too. Have this box.
My attic is full of old stuff that belonged to members of the family. It was supossed to be old and treasured things but I have yet to find anything worth keeping.
I don't know where Great May is. I suspect that she ran away with the pony transport driver. She was chatting him up shamelessly on the trip back. Even Dobbin was amazed and he is a horse that has really seen life as it is lived!!

OI ADD! What's that Petrat bird doin' stealin' me "Nine! Nine!"..I'll 'ave 'er, I will Add, I reelly reelly will. Where's me boys gorn??!