Dunno Liddddddd. That'll stop her from getting any more votes as most sensible poster though!!! Daft old fool.
Off to bed now Lyd. Nos da.

Yeah too right an' all Add! Nosey dad darlin' xx

Hello Ladies,
I'm back from rehab I've dried out of my addiction to men.
An agony aunt suggested it, so I've got a new interest. It's patchwork and quilting. Anyone want to do some stitching??
Nice to meet you Floral
I brought some Bara Brith too.
Great Aunt May.

< helps herself to some Barda Breath .... spits it out in disgust >

Oh no not again... piriton check, predisilone check, adrenaline check... good I've got them off me without them biting. Now will someone else pour some boiling water on that nest before I need the men in green uniforms and the flashy light van.

Uniforms, did someone mention uniforms?
Deep breath, deep breath................innnnnnnnnnnnnnn, outttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.
Must thread another needle I am not interested in men in uniforms. I am not. I am not. I am not. I am. I ammmmmm. Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Bangs head on floor in frustration.
Tea anyone??
May.

FIRE!!! ME SHED'S ON FIRE!!!

Call them bloomin' luvverly hunky handsome-in-their-uniforms FIREMEN!!

Hehehe!!! Only jokin' May darlin'! You's better write ta that old gel in the mags agen. Looks like 'er advice ain't workin' so good!

Got an' 'eadache 'ave ya sweet? kettles on...

I've got an awful headache Lidd. I#ll have a cuppa, and a whisky chaser please. In fact, do you fancy a wee dram............sob, sob.........reminds me of Big Mac...........boo hoo hoo
Where's my stitching. I'm making a quilt for Addy, she gets everso cold at night.
May.

You's sahnd in a bad way, right enuff swee'eart. Here y'are...get this dahn ya gel. No sign of Stewy Mac then? Never mind ay? You's an' me are alike ain't we reelly? You let dahn by Stoo Pot an' me let dahn by Rusty Bucket.

boo hoo...sob...sob...

Ya dropped a stitch darlin'....boo hoooo!!

Hello girls!

You're making the carpet wet you know, here's a tissue, stop crying..please...pleease...WILL YOU STOP PLEASE?! 'Ta everso'

It can't be that bad, eh? Lidd, from what I've heard that Rusty isn't worth bothering about, and May, Scotsmen aren't known for their reliability, so there are plenty more monsters in the Loch where you're concerned.

Wouldn't mind some whisky though dears...that Flora's had me taking raisins out of those bloomin' scones all afternoon

No, not Stewwy Mac, BIG Mac, his cousin twice removed. Although I don't know where he moved to, but rumour has it, that it was with Tartan Tressy, that little hussy from the hairdressers. I feel so let down. You should have heard what his Dad said about my red boots
Do you like my red boots Lidd, Jeannie??
May

Well those fireman got rid of your ants... pity about the shed. What with all the lovely new paint work an all.

Really I know the men in Uniform that came to see me on Sunday were awfully sweet, I still do not like being taken off in the back of one of those vans with the flashy lights on them.

Ya red boots are dire grand May...

Do those fellas 'ave ta flash their lights so bloomin' late at night Summat? Woke me up they did. Was it the Polis what took ya's? Told ya ta pay ya poll tax fingy diddun I?

Tea anyone? Kettles on...

Really Liddy, what could Summat have done to warrant the police taking her away, eh? More likely to be those daft ants causing trouble again...

Hehehe May, these boots of yours fit me everso well dear. Hope you don't mind, but I pilfered borrowed them when you fell asleep infront of the fire. Shame I can't walk properly in them though, not much use if I have to go round clinging onto things now is it? Stroof.

I've got some of those Ginger Nut biscuits if anyone fancies one to dip in their tea

Dipping biscuits in one's tea? How common! Bung us one over and I'll have it with my slice of bara brith. There are some chocolates left too, after my trip to the skip.


Trip. trip. trip to the skip,
Trip, trip, trip to the skip.
Trip, trip. trip to the skip,
Trip to the skip my darling.

What a refreshing change from singing about terrapins.

Ants ants ants in me pants
Ants ants ants in me pants
Ants ants ants in me pants
Ants in me pants my darlin'!

Ooopss..sorry Summat....hehehe

Kilts kilts kilts in the wind
Kilts kilts kilts in the wind
Kilts kilts kilts in the wind
Kilts in the wind my darling

Bed bed it's time for me bed
Bed bed it's time for me bed
Bed bed it's time for me bed
Time for me bed my darlin's!

Nite all xx

Should we go for a recording contract and get our best numbers made into those CD things and become even more famous?

We'll do it tomorrer Add. Be a laff ay?

Nosey dad Add xxx

Well after a night in the cells, the police decided I did not willfully set a shed a light just to destroy and ants nest. So no charges.

What I want to know was who on earth thought it was me?

I think someone was a bit to assiduous with the blow torch they were using to help strip the paint off your shed before painting it. I told them they should use Nitromours, and then just scrape no torch needed, but someone decided the blow torch method was better and look whats happened now.

I've burned them
May

So it was you!

Well thanks but it was me that ended up in the slammer.

Now please confess so the pressure is off me.

<stomps off indignantly... might be an Old Lady but can still behave like a teenager in a strop!>

Yeh, 'fess all May!
Would you like to help me burn the rest of this old rubbish music from the attic May? It's great fun!

WHERE'S ME BLOOMIN' SHED GORN???!!

Shed shed who burnt me shed
Shed shed who burnt me shed
Shed shed who burnt me shed
Who burnt me shed my darlin's?

MAY!! I'm sleepin' at your 'ouse tanite gel! Serves ya right you's old piromaniac!!!


Flippin' 'eck an' blimey stroof Add...

Indeed Lidd!
You won't get much sleep at Great May's place Lidd. She'll be up 'till all hours messing with that double bass of hers. I can hear it from three fields away on a stormy night. You'll get well fed though, but if the noise gets too much you can come here and bed down with Eddie and old Dobbs in the parlour.

I knoo I could rely on you's Add. I'm like me poor Tiddles...lost an' alone, darlin', I'm lost an' alone I reelly reelly am lost an' alone. Wiv no shed ta call me 'ome neiver.

I'll bed dahn wiv Eddie an' Dobbin then ay? Fink I'd ravver listen to the pair of 'em fart snorin' than May on 'er Straddy Watsit.

Ta Add. Be there as soon as me poor old pins will get me there. Put kettle on, I won't be that long.

Kettle's on, fire is burning away nicely, bread ready for toasting , cheese ready for toasting too and Eddie and Dobbin have gone outside as the rain has stopped now. You can have the parlour all to yourself.
And you can only just hear Great May. I'll turn up the radio in case she starts singing!!!

< when father papered the parlour... >

Oooooh ta darlin'. It's right cosy 'ere innit? I might just move in on a permanent basis. That would be good ay?? Ya wouldn' see you's old pal out on the street would ya Add, ay Add, ya wouldn't would ya Add?

That you singin' then Add???

No, not me Lidd. I don't have that one in my repertoire. I expect that it was May getting into the swing of things for the night.

< Consider yerself, at 'ome,
Consider yerself, one of the family....>

Sorry girls...

Oh....righto darlin'....

Stroof...who's that now???

It's just the new radio Lidd. I got it to listen to our weekly show on Radio Scotland. That sounds like one of their folk singers. Just hark at her accent Lidd. Hothing pure about her vowels at all. Turn it off as you pass Lidd old Bean.

Consider it well an' truly orf lovey! What a din ay?

I'm away ta me bed sweet. Did you's know I like an 'ot wa'er bo'tle in me bed, and a mugga cocoa, an' the light on the landin' on all night and blankets not them duvvet fings and free pillows an not duck feavers cos I'll be up sneezin' an' I like ta be in the baffroom first fing in the mornin' an' I likes me eggs runny.

You's won't know I'm 'ere Add ya's reelly reelly won't gel.

Nosey dad Add xxxx

< goodbyeee good-dayeee, there's an Aussie birdie in the skyeee >

I didn't burn your stupid shed down Liddy, although you are always welcome to stay here. Noooooooo, I burned my red boots. I've had it with men and I've had it with red boots. I am a reformed character
I shall go into crimplene elasticated trousers and twin-sets. Pearls and flat sensible brogues.
Now, is there a W.I in this place Addy?? I shall have to join it
Anyone for tea??
What shall we do about LIddy's shed and house. Shall we rebuild, or will she get the insurance money and move to Wales???
Summat, it wasn't moi. So did you do it really, or was it a ghost??
Where Juney??
Great Aunt May.

That outfit sounds fine to me May. It is the sort of thing that is all the rage with ladies of an age here in Wales. Go for a new image girl!

I don't know what happened to Lidd's shed but it is no more. A deceased shed, alas. I think that she should sell up and move here too. There is another cottage for sale on the other side of my place, only two fields away. It used to belong to an artist but he has moved away and it needs a new owner, and I suppose that Lidd would be better than having it empty.

What do you think Lidd? Shall I get the estate agent to phone you?

< gingerly pushes open creaking door of artist's old home.... >


hmmm.... I could get to like it here .... lots of "atmosphere".... Are you there Vincent ??? Do you 'ear me ???


T'aint' very nice of Addy to tell 'er pal that Vincent 'ad moved away when she knows perfectly well 'e died of broken 'eart in that 'ouse, so 'e did

I phoned the agent for you Lidd and he was showing a couple around the place as I spoke to him. Wonderful things those mobile phones aren' t they.
They didn't like the place much. They said that it had an "atmosphere" that worried them! Daft old fools. We don't really want them here anyway. They want it as a holiday home and we don't like them here. We need full-time villagers.
The artist was a man called Owen Owen Vincent ap Owen. His work isn't very well known and he was an eccentric old duffer. He liked the work of Van Goch. He was another Anglesey artist who was called Geraldus but as that was such a stupid name we used to call him after his car. That was a red van, hence the name Van Goch!
There are a lot os talented people around this neck of the woods. You should come and join us Lidd, and them some may rub off on you become a member of our set.

(I told Lidd that he moved away. Actually that was a slight fib. He was moved away, by the undertaker after he died there alone and sad. He had loved and admired Haddock Lil for many a year but she would not even give him a second glance. Mean old Cow! She has plenty of time for second, third and fourth glances at fellows like that Harry Parry!!!!Poor old Owen Owen Vincent ap Owen.)

I should think that Haddock Lil would have liked having the surname VAN, she's been in the back of enough
May. Orf to practise my double bass.

Me shed ain't fit fer firewood Add...except it's already bin bloomin' firewood. I blame Summat, I reelly reelly do. Weren't my fault she 'ad ants were it? Bit naugh'y of 'er ay Add?

May, you's look a darn right plonker stunner in you's crimply lean gear darlin'. Twin sets ay? Goin' fer twin fellas are you's May? 'Ow can you's tell 'em apart then? Be triplets an' quods next!!

I'm movin' in next door from you's Add!!!! I get me keys tomorrer. Daft whatsits going' on abaht atmosferey type air type nonsense. Just a bit cold when you's go in that's all. No Summat an' May...you can not give me an' 'ouse warmin' do!!

I might 'ave ta get meself a lodger to 'elp wiv me bills. Know any fine lookin' young single old fellas what would share wiv me Add? I'll put a notice in the Post Office next week.

Put kettle on Add...an' make it a bit be'er than the earlier one. An' put some more coal on while you's up. An' make sure me 'ot wa'er bottle ain't got no air in it.

Ta darlin'. I'll just put me poor old feet up.

Hello ladies!

Liddy, I heard your good news on the grapevine , and I've brought you a chrysanthemum for your new garden as a house warming gift, seeing as you're not having a party.

Glad to see the kettle's on, I've brought some fresh scones with me, not so good for dipping in (so I've been told) but relatively harmful nice.

Ta darlin'.

Wonder what uvver luvverly gifts me wonderful sooper dooper charmin' fantastic wouldn't be wivout ya pals will get me???


I ain't got nuffing ta make a cuppa tea wiv..hint..hint..
I ain't got nuffing ta sit on...hint, hint..
I ain't got nuffing ta sleep in..hint..hint
I ain't got nuffing fer me windas..hint..hint..
I ain't got nuffing to eat me dinner on..hint..hint..

But I's gotta luvverly potted plant in me garden...smashin' Joannie, very useful swee'eart

< leaves housewarming pressie for Liddy on doorstep - a set of flying ducks skylarks for the wall together with a Billy Bass singing fish >

I might have had ants crawling on me, but I promise you I had no matches or incandescent device. I was more concerned about not getting bitten.

May, where exactly did you set fire to your boots?

I set fire to them down the bottom of my garden in Wales. In an old metal dustbin. No where near Liddy's shed
I've made friends with Enid Ponsonby -Smythe, the head of the W.I in the village Addy. Posh old girl what??
I have entered the jam making competition on Saturday. Strawberry. Any on else in the W.I??
Have bought you a dinner service Liddy. It was very expensive cheap, cost me 5 greenshield stamp books
May.

Your jenerositty is underoverwhelmin' May sweet. Ta.

So's if it weren't you's two what burnt me shed dahn, it musta bin....Potty Fauna Potts!!! I'll 'ave 'er I reelly reelly will...where's me boys gorn? Ain't never arahnd when I needs 'em.

I'd make a cuppa, but I ain't gotta kettle....I ain't even gotta pot to p put me plant in what Joannie give me...Hehehe...'ad ya wonderin' ay gels?!

Put kettle on then someone...a gel could dee-i-drate rahnd 'ere...

Know what Lidd, I think you could be right! See, Flora is one of those, what do you call them...pyromyro pyrominc fire-loving people! No wonder she scarepered as soon as she'd arrived.

Kettle's on dear. Hmm...that plant I gave you looks a bit wilted already . Never mind ey, I'll look out an old kettle or something to replace it! Lovely singing fish you've got there - who on earth gave it to you? Does it only sing the one song? How disappointing

Don't ya be worryin' yaself Jen hen! Me boys'll find 'er right enuff. A kettle would be right smashin' darlin'...and some milk...an' some tea bags...an' some sugar...

Me fish swee'eart? it sings more 'an one toon lovey. Just needs a bitta windin' up..'ang on a minnit sweet..'ere we go...

"I'm an old trout called May
I sing an' sing all day
An' if you's reel lucky
My Straddy I'll plucky
Til the men in the weld come my way!"


Flippin' eck an' blimey stroof...not sure abaht that...try anuvver one Josie darlin'