Well I don't know where t'start... Pass us a biccie love

'Ere y'a darlin'. You's better get out of me bestest chair though, else I might 'ave ta clip ya ear'ole for ya's. Cheeky young tyke!

Do ya like me knittin' Jenny? I made meself a new pair of drawers. Nice ain't they luvvey?

Jenny sounds a bit like Jeannie, don't you think? What if I get confused with who you're talking to?! Perhaps we should come to some sort of arrangement - Jenny can answer and I'll pretend not to notice...how does that sound?

Is there any more tea? I'm absolutely frozen rather cold this evening.

Tis a wee bit nippy outside

Cold? COLD?? You pair don't know what cold is! I remembers the winter of 1963. Bloomin' 'eck that was cold. My Iva (gawd rest 'im) went out for a paper, an' they found 'im two weeks later frozen to the spot. People came fer miles ta try an' defrost 'im. They carried 'im inta me lounge an' I 'ad 'im drippin' all over me floor for six mumffs while 'e thawed aht.

Don't you be tellin' me it's cold! Put anuvver jumper on, or make a fresh brew. That's a good idea innit? Ta everso duckies.

Afternood Lidd. WHo are all of these new old ladies then? I go off to the eisteddfod for a few days and when I get back everything has changed! What's going on Lidd?
I have got a great outfit for the trip to London tomorrow. I think that Luggage Van B wrote "Pastoral" on his manuscript and not pasterized that mild thingy so I have knitted a sheep costume out of sheep's wool. I made a black head piece ad black mittens and socks and the body is white and cabled and today I spent ages brushing it up with the dog's flea comb to make it fluffy. I shall wear a shepherdess bonnet too. Good, eh Lidd?
Are we getting the early train or are there other arangements?
Panad Lidd? I have made some egg custards with all of the eggs that aren't good enough for the Anglesey Show tomorrow. Are you hungry? I put some oats in them to give you something to chew on too. They slide down too fast otherwise and you don't feel as if you've eaten anything at all.

'Ello darlin'. Am I glad to see you sweet! I'm surrounded by noo old ladies what don't know nuffing abaht nuffing ducky.

You's gonna look stunnin' tomorrer Add ya reelly reelly are gonna look stunnin' swee'eart.

I believe I did say that a Lino is comin' for us at 8 o'clock sharp tomorrer darlin'. Shows 'ow much notice ya take of me innit? I s'ppose ya 'ead is still finkin' abaht Brian ay? Stroof Addy. I's ravver listen to Jeannie playin' 'er baggy pipe fingys than 'im goin' on.

I'm gettin' meself in a right tizzy Add. Last night I put meself aht on the doorstep an' left the milk bottles inside. I'll be glad when we's bin ta see Sharon tomorrer I reelly reelly will. I 'ope they've looked after me manooscript darlin'. I'm gonna need some paper to go up on me shed wall. I fought that manooscript would cover 'em nicely, ay deary?

Kettles on.

**'Ere Add....why would a fella be called Sharon then?? Bit daft innit?**

I havent replied here in a while!

i was out buying some new jam-jar bottom glasses with my pension, then i had to nip out and get some mothballs! Pesky things, ate my best tartan blanket. Which, like all old people clothes is nice and itchy.

So how are we all? Old?

ill go put the kettle on and get a tray of biscuits!

*slowly and steadily walks downstairs*

Watch yer self on them there stairs lovey

Ooh ee
i just got one of those old-people lifts installed!

i forgot!

Sitting in such a *nice* little cafe in the Hague after having done one of the Dutch long distance cycle paths - 4 hard days on the road with a loaded bike (the Hague - Utrecht - Arnhem - Enschelde) and then a train journey back yesterday.

Holland is such a nice country - the chap behind the bar has been offering me some *most* unusual looking cakes!!

Oooh lucky you bein' in Old Hamsterjam swee'eart. Bring us back a cake will you's lovey? Ta ducky! You gotta pair of them clod fings on ya feet 'ave ya? Luvverly to 'ear form you's all them miles away, deary! Oooh I just fought. You's can bring a ball of that Edam rubber cheese back an' all, if you would be so kind. I'll bounce it orf stoopid Bert's 'ead. Fankin' you most sincerely.

Take care of ya bicycle pump won't ya me old darlin'!

Love Liddy xxxx

*puts down old -lay walkjin sstick- picks up baseball sitck*

'ere 'ere 'ole dear wsa all this 'bout hitting me a dead ball of cheese?!

coo ee my hearings gettin bad lately
silly 'old you'uns been playin out on me lawn!

this was on the 2nd page!!

*beats other old ladies with old lady stick for not posting*

haha
someone put the kettle on! ill have a nice biccie

Me an' Addy is on our way to Lundun to see me fella called Sharon abaht me manooscript paper what may or may not be by my boy Wiggy van Beetroot Garden and therefore may or may not be worff a bloomin' great fortune!

I am beside meself wiv nerves an me earaches, an Addy's bin in the loo for aaaaaaagggeeeees. An' I'm right dithery an' I keep droppin fings an' me nerves are shot ta pieces.

I wants a cuppa tea Add, an' I WANT IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will you get yourself out that loo Addy!!!

Well Lidd old been, that was a brilliant day. That Sharron fellow was actually a woman I think. (That happens a lot in the city I believe!). She said that their experts all accepted that it was an original manuscript in the composer's own hand and noted the first date on it as 1801 and that bit pre-dates all of the earlier known shetches that he made for the work. They talked a lot about the changes that he had made over the years before the work was played finally. She said that the odd movement marked "Mein Gott, my piano has been struck by lightening" became the model for his opus 109 but I haven't get a clue what she meant by that! Have you Lidd?
And this was the really good bit. She asked if you would allow them to sell the manuscript at auction next month, in Sotherbys, and that the British Museum would like to try to buy it for the nation. That should be worth a few pounds Lid. In fact she mentioned several millions!!!!!!!! What a hoot! But why the merry h*ll did you tell her that you might like to keep yourself Lidd? Come on now, be sensible old thing. You could do with a few more pounds under your bed Lidd. Something for your old age.

Flippin' 'eck an' blimey stroof an' bloomin' norah Add!!! I'm layin' 'ere wiv me feet up in the air again! Me 'eads spinnin darlin' it reelly reelly is spinnin' like summink what is spinnin'. Me Wiggy left me 'is reel moosic in me curtains! Fancy that ay??

Don't know nuffing abaht no Opussy 109 nonsense ducky! Poor love...I would hate it if me pianer was struck by lightenin' Add. Still, 'e was a bit daft for playin' aht in the rain in the first place ay swee'eart? No wonder 'e caught a chill an' snuffed it. Silly boy.

I wanted ta keep it ta decorate me noo shed Add. P'raps I should flog it after all ay? 'Ere Add! 'Ave ya sin that fella on the telly what does that Flog It programme? Bit of a looker 'e is darlin'. P'raps 'e would come an' sell me manooscript for me. Cor...that would be luvverly...

I just 'ad a fought Add...I'm rich ain't I darlin'???? Stick me feet up again lovey there's a dear.

Ta everso.

Kettle's on.

Coo-ey Addy, Liddy... its me Elsie, now how did you get on at that Eisteddford?

Ya Kettle was boilin dry, so I rescued it. Its full now and bubbling nicely, tea anyone?

'Ello Summat,

Tea would be right smashin' darlin'. Addy's gorn agen. Great May's gorn agen. Jeannie's gorn agen. Looks like it's just you an' me ducky. 'Ow are ya's then?

Fancy a donut ta dunk in ya tea do ya?

I'm not too bad dearie.

Eh it's realy good dunking these donuts Lidd, especially when you bite into them and the jam squirts out.

No have you calmed down since I told you the news about Phyllis?

Ooh I love a doughnut I do. Are they rings or jam? I prefer rings for dunking. Wouldn't say no to any variety. I'll help you out if they need eating up, love. Never let 'em go to waste - waste not want not.....slurp....

Rhonda

Oooh Rhonda...you is so uncoof you reelly reelly is so uncoof Rhonda, reelly you is. Look at ya marf all covered in cream, ducky. You's put me orf me dinner you reelly 'ave put me orf me dinner darlin'.

Pass Rounder a piece of kitchen towel Summat, will ya do lovey.

You ain't told me nuffink abaht Phyllis yet Summat. That musta bin Norah at no. 6 what you was tellin'. It'll be all rahnd tahn now anyways. Still, tell me you's gossip Summat

OOOH Ronny you is quite the most disgustin' person what I 'ave ever met in me life

Ya kno Phyllis... not quite the Ol' lady he is trying to make out to be? I call him/her Phyl... the first time I told ya, ya were shocked at the idea and fell into a faint. I think the idea of an ol'ladee who doesn't put the lavatory seat down was just too much!

Oh that.....well ducky, you's never know what goes on ay sweet? I got Phyllis a job in the cafe, but she ain't no good. She ain't there 'alf the time and the other 'alf she's away wiv the fairies

I'll take you's all aht fer dinner when I get's me manooscript money. I ain't takin Rounder though cos she's right embarassin' she reelly is. 'Ave ya ever sin anyfing like 'er in all ya life Summat? 'Ave ya Summat? I bet you's 'aven't sin nuffing like 'er in ya life Summat.

Kettle's on.

Eee well! I've never heard the like!

Ah divnt kna how ya can say such a thing indeed! I heard what ya said. I've been standin' outside ya back door here for a few minutes, well about half n 'our. I thought ahd bring some sarnies round. They've been in the fridge for a week but ah think they're allreet. Phyllis this an Phyllis that! Ahm a lady tha knows. A lady!

Well! Ahm off hame agin.

Sheesh!

Ahm goin ta meet Flossles on the common agin. Mind she had a brolly last time an it wernt rainin!

ya did put the water in it this time!

Mmm dinner, well unlike rounder tha knows I'm restaurant trained. Tha remember the scottish food don't tha?

Who would have thought that serenading cows and doing a bit 'a' gardenin could reap such good rewards!

There's no need for any name callin' now. So I'm a bit of a mucky pup, well it helps me to remember what I 'ad for me last few meals, dunnit? I just 'ave a quick look at me pinny and I can tell you wot I 'ad for dinner last Sunday. I don't hold with all this modern cleanliness malarcky. You've gotta eat a peck 'o' dirt before you die. That doughnut was yummy, got any more, love?

Blimey, Summat. Give Runny summink ta fill 'er gob marf up sweet'eart.

That Phyllis what you was talkin' abaht was at the door deary. 'Eard every word an' all! You is in the doo doo's Summat darlin'! Hehehehe! Poor Phyllis ay?

Tea anyone?

Hello Phyllis...

So it was you I met on the common - it was nice to meet you, once I got over the shock of course! I think I'll leave the brolly at home next time though!


Would you like some shortbread, Liddy, Rhonda, Elsie? Freshly baked this morning .

'Ello Juney! A piece of your luvverly shortbread would go dahn a treat ducky. Ta me old duck.

Yes please! I'll 'ave to stop all this munchin', gotta think of me waistline. Kettle's on for another brew.

Shortbread Greenie, that'll do nicely.

Liddly has just learnt that tha needs water in the kettle to make tea.

So, Phyl heard what we were talking about... probably off to get some better new nylons to disguise his sot so femmine legs. Then its off to the place that sells the type of fillets they give to them poor women who had a mastectomy to give him/her some curves.

Dear Phyl... we all care for you dearie, and tha does not have to pretend tha knows. WE don't have a problem with thee dressing up in frocks...each to their own me dear.

Erm, just between us OK?

Oh Hi phyl! really if tha wants to keep thy secret hidden then tha shoud not wear spangly red sequins during the day. Liddy has had to put on her sunglasses.

Now thy secrets safe with us dearie as long as you remember to put the lavatory seat down after tha use it. I'm sure tha's seen Nuns on the Run and remember what happened there.

Me eyes are waterin' just thinkin' about it..

So how are we all today?

I'm ready for me supper. Kettle's on..

Hello Rhonda,

How are you dear? I bumped into that Phyl again on the common. S/he's actually very nice you know, not that his/her spongecakes are anything to go by!

Would you like some of this battenburg-type-cake-thing which I found in the back of Liddy's cupboard? - I'm sure she won't mind .

Thanks Jeannie, I'm partial to a bit o' that there window cake as me kiddies call it. That Phyl is a nice enough gal, but she's no better than she should be, y'know. I think you can tell a lot about someone by their bakin'.

Watcha girls. Add's back in town! I was so shocked when the news on Lidd's manuscript finally sunk in that I had to take a few days off to compose myself. So here I am, a sonata and two rondos later, very hungry. Has anyone done the skips outside Tesco's while I've been gone? We'll have missed some good stuff if not. I may take Eddie and the cart down there later.
Have you decided whether to sell or not yet then Lidd? I think that you should. You've been as poor as a church rat for years. You might enjoy a few extra bob. I had a lot of fun when I won that itch card thingy and we wentoff around Europe in the limo. Do you remember that trip Lidd?

Welcome back Addy, dear. You've not missed much. Sorry. Oh apart from when Joe who lives down t'lane lost his hat under the bridge in the brook. Though that's not very exciting is it. Oh dear. Tea?

'Ello Addy darlin'. Where ya bin then? I still got me feet up in the air swee'eart. I 'ad summing to eat wiv that Rounder gel. Stroof Add. It made me keel over like the noos of me manuscript did. I ain't sin the likes of it in all me born days Add. Worse than a cow chewin' the cud Add, honest it were worse than that I'm tellin' ya straight sweet. One minnit I was watchin' 'er marf going' from side ta side, next fing..BOOM!!! I'm on me back wiv me feet in the air. No blood in me 'ead Add.

I'm gonna sell me paper ducky. I fought abaht it an' it's what me old Wiggy woulda wanted I fink. We's can go aht when Great May gets back. Where d'ya fancy goin' then? All the gels are comin'. We'll tell Rounder we's goin' out on Fursday but we'll go out on Fridy instead. Bloomin' 'eck Add...you should see that gel eatin'.

Kettle's on ducky, but I'm orf ta me bed. Gotta near ache sweet. Good ta see you's though. I'll make sure you's alright when I get me millions Add. Seein' as you is me bestest pal an' all.

We's can do Europe agen if ya want. I can get me own Lino seein' as Harry Larry Parry Barry Clari's still got yorn.

Laters Lovey
Liddy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A large panad would be lovely, thank you. I expect that Joe was playing Pooh hats because he couldn't find a stick. Sounds ok to me. I threw one of Lidd's old petticoats into the sea once to see if it would come back on the next tide all nice and clean. It didn't! Bottles are better.

Ta everso Add...that was me one an' only petticoat an' all. Next time I'll frow your old coat in the sea while you is still wearin' it, ducky.

Flippin' 'eck an' blimey, I'm orf ta me bed...

Oops! Didn't see you there Lidd.

*shuffles in with stick*

Helloooooo - anyone about? Ooooh me legs and hip - *plumps down on chair* - that's better. Forgot to take me water tablets this mornin' but they do make me run to the loo and - well - you know...

*sniffs the air* Well, looks like I've come to the right place on the address - there's that certain smell.....

I'll just wait a bit and see who turns up *takes out flask of tea, egg sandwich and Barbara Cartland novel*

Hello sweet!

How - or should I say who - are you?

Fancy a panad? Kettle's on...

'ERE!!! 'Oo are you then?? Get ya great carcass outa me bestest chair ducky. May I suggest you takes ya tablets lovey? You 'as got bigger ankles than a nelephant, swee'eart.

What you's on abaht a smell for? It only arrived when you did! Funny that innit?

Put the kettle on while you're up there's a sweet.

Ta everso.

Hello love, I've just 'ad a scrambled egg sarnie meself. Lovely grub. I think one of the cats has had a little accident, might account for the smell round 'ere...

Name's Maud. Recently moved into the sheltered housing round the corner. Daughter said this was the cheapest one she could find for her budget - my arse - it's 200 miles from where they live! Her old man never did like me - I mean it's not my fault I had to move in with them when my house got bulldozed to make way for a new estate - and it's not like I caused trouble or anything. Just minded my own business I did. Although I did keep a few buckets in my room - you know what I mean - and after a while it was just easier. Her old man had a real go - unhygenic and the like - but I can't get up stairs can I with my legs and gammy hip?! So here I am, all on my own, in a strange town..........

I'd love a tea! *smiles sweetly* And what are your names?

*whispering* Pssst - who's that cow who chucked me out of her chair? *glares at Liddy*