Ah love, you're lying on the mike. Got yourself into a right tangle there. Let me help you..........stop struggling! I'm just trying to help!!

Gin!! We need gin!!

AAAGGGHHH!!! Let me do it yous bloomin' great chimp! I got it now. I'll 'ave a gin, then I'll 'ave anuvver warble.

Rusty Bucket...SHE!!!!!!!!!! Hehehehehehehehehe!! That is the funniest fing what you 'ave said so far Dizzy!! I fink I might likes ya after all.....

Where's me gin lovey?

*Takes other mike from side of stage*


*Consider yerself, at 'ome,
Consider yerself, one of the family.
Lidd's taken to you, quite bad -
But I'm sure that of yer company she'll be glad!*

Wait til Rusty hears about this...'she' indeed...

Ermmmmmm...I was hoping Jeannie was going to bring some up from the cellar, but she's gone and grabbed the mike, hasn't she? What's she on about?

(edit: bravo Miss Ross! it's gonna be one of those evenings....)

"At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
I ain't sin nuffing like it
In me 'ole darn life!
I should have looked away right then'
But I just had to look again
You look a fright!
In ya yeller and ya pink!
I have to say! Oh dear and hey!
I wish that you would leave
And take yourself away
And if you come back here again
Wiv that sad clobber on your back
We'll be frone right out of here
(You'd look much better in a sack!)"

Well now go...."

Sing it wiv me Dizzy!!!

*grabs mike*

Well now go! Walk out the door!
Don't turn around now, not with your skirt tucked in your drawers!

You've got all your life to live
But you ain't got no love to give


You ain't alive! You ain't alive!


OOOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh



*cough cough cough cough*

Well done Dizzy ducky! Fing is, I ain't wearin' no drawers. I'm savin' 'em fer Toosdy when I get me millions!

Can I get you summink fer ya coff, sweet'eart?

* I might crumble - I might lay down and die...
Oh no! Not I...I will not cry,
Though it's incredibly funny watching you both as you try,
To overcome the other, flippin' 'eck and blimey stroof -
For it's the truth! My eyes will never remain dry
With you around*

"Oh Jeannie you is lovely
You is sensiball
Why don't ya go and give
That sweet young man a call?
I fink 'e likes you, dear
And it's also very clear
You like 'im too
Ooo oo oo ooo ooo ooo oooh!!
Well now go..."

(I think DC has the upper hand on this one - she's been in character for longer......at least I hope it's in character )

Well now go, leave off your drawers
If you don't mind your buttocks flapping
As you waltz out of the door

Why don't you cover up your butt
It really is a sight
I won't survive
another night

It's such a fright!!

(I hope you're not talking/singing about any young man inparticular because I'm everso slightly confused now! )


Shall I put the kettle on, or have you opened another bottle girls?

I'm confoosed an' all ducky. Pay no heed to soppy old Liddy! A cuppa tea would go dahn nicely sweet.

I fink that Dizzy needs ta wash 'er marf aht! Makin' comments abaht me derry air! Bloomin' cheek!

Cor I'm gonna stick me feet up now I'm 'ome agen. Me bunions are frobbin' like summink what is frobbin' a lot. I got some cake I fahnd from me birfdy back in 1947. Should be OK shouldn't it? Fancy a piece do ya Jen hen?

I could do with an early night (blimey! where did the time go?) so tea's best for me, ta Jeannie.

And could you cross your legs, Liddy - there's a love. Might catch a chill if you're not careful.

I'm orf ta me bed, you cheeky old...old...old...fing you!

Night night Jeannie. I like you, but Dizzy's gonna get a clip rahnd the ear'ole before long, I'm tellin' ya straight, she's gonna get a clip rahnd the ear 'ole, oh yes she is!!

Laters lovies xxx **Bleh!!!**

Night luvvies xxxx

Ditto xxx

Dear, oh very dear! What a rude little lot you are indeed. Such language! Shocked! That's what I am! Shocked!
Did I hear someone singing about crumble earlier and is there any left? I am very partial to a dish of apple crumble on a cold night. SHall I make some custard?

Did you read the sunday papers Lidd? There were several stories about your manuscript. One had a seven page spread with lots of photographs and all sorts of theories about what was what. Interesting stuff Lidd.

By the way Lidd, what was all of thet nonsense with young Daisy and those new pupils of hers? Someone here suggested that she shoulf take along the Forumite Village Aunties, and I couldn't agree more. If there is going to be a band of Village Aunties on the loose then Lidd and I should be at the head carrying flaming knickers on sticks and chanting something suitable.
Off for a midnight ride on Eddie now as it has stopped raining. Night all.

By the way Lidd, who is this rather awful and very smelly lady who calls herself Maud Two or Gracie? She thinks that she can live in my place. I took her to the hen shed to kip there for the night whist I get on to Social Services.

It's alright Addy, I'm back to raise the tone!

I might have shocked them all earlier explaining that Phyl was not all s/he appeared to be, but I Don't usually use foul language.


You still haven't de-briefed me about your recent musical jaunts.

There's some freshly baked muffins to have with the tea I've just made.

They amy behave badly, but I'm summat Else!

Liddy! Liddy! Where are you, you conniving #####!

Said Addy would have me - my ####! Tried to stick me in her hen house, she did, so I shuffled back to my sheltered flat for the night, only to be woken up this morning by social services banging at the door! I need nothin', NOTHIN' from them raving lefties in the DoH ####### #######

Wait until I get my money back from my daughter (the swindling cow) - get myself a nice pad then. I'm no charity case you mark my words!!

Gracie, Gracie...calm down dear!


Hello Addy - nice to see you again . I hope you weren't including me in 'that lot'? Yes Summat, I do believe things haven't been quite right since you mentioned Phyl...

Now, Gracie, I'll put the kettle on and then we can see to getting rid of the social people, unless of course you want them to take you away.

Bless you Jeannie - a cuppa would be lovely. You have a heart of gold (unlike some! )

I'll just sit here quietly for a mo and calm myself down. ..........

Right, so Addy won't have you (), Liddy hasn't got any room, Summat...well, we won't even go there, so I suppose I should do the decent thing and offer you my spare room, just until they stop searching your house? Did you know, they've launched a search party for you? I saw it on the news this morning -'OAP on Rampage - Beware' - they've got all sorts looking for you .

Girls, girls!

I've got a spare room for ya, what ya can have. I'll just have ta move me collection of, well ya know, me erm things. I'll put em in the shed fer now. You knoe ah likes a bit o company now and again dontcha. You'll maybe help me with ma ointments?

*looking warily at 'Phyllis'*

If it's all the same to you, I think I might stick with Jeannie for a bit - you know - until all the fuss has died down (whispering to Jeannie 'I heard the others talking - you know.....about things........')

Blimey, I made the news did !? Load of codswallop! All I did was give that socialist a piece of my mind - and then she goes and trips over my gnome collection! I was only trying to help her up!! GBH!? Pants I say!!

Be on your guard Maud Two what-ever-your-name-is. Don't be fooled by her. She may not be all that she seems. Ah well, takes all sorts I suppose.

Watcha Summat. Nice to see a bit of culture here at last Old Bean. That lot were getting a bit wild with their wayward language and their drinking! Care for a shot or two of finest carrot wine, vintage 1961 and some gossip anout Bryn Termite at the Eisteddfod?

Don't tell the pthers, but............................

*eyeing up Phyllis' clothing*

I do like your skirt - where did you get it from? It sets off that hat you're wearing quite nicely, although the ostrich feather is a bit loud. And is your hair - erm-......'natural'?

And could you speak louder Addy, can't hear a word you're saying - Bryn Termite did WHAT?

Yooo hoo Addy!!! Am I pleased to see you's ducky! I am surrounded by people what is riff raff, ducky. That Dizzy Graceful 'as got a foul marf on'er she reelly reelly 'as gotta foul marf. Flippin' 'eck an' blimey norah did ya see what she said abaht me...abaht me...you know what Add? I wouldn't mind but she's got a backside the size of Canada!!! And now we 'as got a "she man" called Phyllis! Did you's ever see the like Add? Did you's reelly? Me 'eads in a right old spin I'm tellin you's swee'eart.


Anyways darlin' I 'ope you is back fer a long time now. I've missed ya.

You all set for tomorrer when I gets me millions? We can go away Add. I fancy Vee Henna again so's I can see where me Wiggy is and lay some flours on 'is gravy type fingy. Oooh me poor poor Wiggy.

Did ya like me singin' last night Add? Diddun keep you's awake did we sweet? Still, when Dizzy stays wiv ya, you's can sing all night long ay darlin'? Good to you ain't I?

I don't fink Dozey likes me Add. Still, I don't like 'er neiver so who cares ay?

Kettle's on.

So how was darhlin' Bryn... ee I remember when he was in short trousers.

This carrot wine is a drop of ahlright.

Do ya want a cheese scone with that?

Ooh, cheese scones, ma favourites. I've got a nice bit o' cheddar to go with 'em if you like. Just puttin' the kettle on, cuppa anyone?

Oh no not you an' all Rounder I fink I'm best orf in the cellar....

Hello Liddy, are you ok sweet? I wouldn't go back in the cellar, it's still a little untidy .

Finally, some respectable old ladies . Where's Millidot these days? She was rather posh, she could probably teach us a thing or too.

Fancy a panad dear?

'Ello Jeffrey. You look mighty chipper this evenin' gel. 'Ad a good day 'ave ya ducky? Fank goodness someone is 'ere what I can 'ave a decent old chatter to. Dunno where Mildew's gorn.

I'm right nervous abaht bein' a millionairess darlin'. I don't want it ta change me. I wanna be old Liddy what you 'ave all come to love an' admire, an' idolise, an' fink the weld of, like what I do fink the weld of you lot. (Well, some of you's, give or take one or two!).

What d'ya reckon, Jeronimo? It won't change me will it? Say it won't change me swee'eart, go on then say it!

Wanna lickorish allsort do ya, Jen hen? Don't take the pink an' yeller coconut ones, or I might 'ave to give you's a wallop.

A panad would be right luvverly swee'eart. Ta ducky.

Mmm..lovely, thanks.

I don't know Lidd...It's not as though you're going to go out and suddenly become vain or anything - refusing to buy clothes in Oxfam and the Red Cross, and only drinking single malt whisky, and water from goodness know what river in some funny country...are you?

You should definitely go on holiday though dear - If you don't mind me saying so, and I'm only saying it as a friend, you've been looking a wee bit pale lately. A spot of sunshine might just do you a world of good .

Oi! - what you hitting me on the head for?! You said the yellow and pink ones, not the black and white square-shaped ones!

I'm right sorry darlin'. 'Elp yaself lovvey. I gotta take meself aht fer some air. I'll be back laters.

Save me the coconut ones...or else....

bye fer now deary xx

Don't look at me! I ain't touched nothing! I've been sitting here all quiet like since this morning's hullabaloo! But....can I have one? They do look nice!

Help yourself lovey...but please don't eat the coconut ones - I don't think I want to face the wrath of Ms Lydia Coal-Bunker quite yet .

Bye Liddy xx

Bye Liddy? You're too kind to that....

Ah! Nice and quiet now. Thanks for the sweeties. Uhmmmmm..... the pink-and-yellow ones go with my dress.

Mr Blobby indeed! I wore this for my daughter's wedding (swindling cow!) - I like to wear it as it goes with the highlights in my hair, don't you think?

What's that face you're pulling dear? You look like you're going to be sick!

No sweet - your dress is right lovely . I just ate one of the pink ones by accident and was thinking about what Liddy might do .

Could you spit it out again? She might not notice , especially if we top her up with gin like we did the other night!! :wicked:

Anyhow, it is awfully kind of you to let me stay for a short while. It's not that I didn't want to stay with Phyllis - she seems really nice (if a little eccentric) and of course it gives me somewhere else to stay if you need some space......

Of course not - you can stay for as long as you need. To be honest, it gets a little quiet up here on the hill sometimes so I'll be glad of the company!

Any of those Bertie ones left? I like them! I thought that the auction at Sotherby's was tomorrow Lidd, but I don't think that you will get your money for another few days. I think that they send it out a week later. Still, not long now.
Bryn was wonderful Summat, by the way. I remember him singing at our village eisteddfod when he was a lad too. When the other kids saw him they used to say "Dim point heddiw. Mae Bryn yma!" Well, quite!
Panad anyone? Carrot wine with cheese or some custard? Rose jelly and crackers? Toast with jam and mustard?

*glaring at Addy*

Look at you swanning around all sweetness and light after what you put me through!
Hen house? Social services?
Thank goodness Jeannie here has some common decency in her! I ain't trouble am I love? It's Liddy put you up to it - she's got a LOT to answer for!!!

And ta, panad would be grand since you're offering

I seem to recall there was four yeller an' free pink uns 'ere when I went aht...Where they gorn then??

Dozey's ad 'em!!! You's got pink smeared all rahnd ya marf!! Or is that you's lippy? Flippin' 'eck you look a fright ya reelly reelly do. Gis me sweets back or else I'll set Addy on ya's. Go on Add, I'm right be'ind ya darlin'. Give 'er one on the chin Add!

OOOooohhh..that's gotta hurt!!! Hehehehe! Good on ya gel!

Kettle's on.

*rubbing chin*

Too soft to do your own dirty work are ya, Liddy? Gotta use your own bit of rough?



*brandishing stick*

Come on then - let's see what you're made of.......

What you's got me fightin' for, ya great lump of lard! I was alright 'til you come along Go away..I don't wanna fight wiv no-one.

Get up, ya big woos. Addy never touched ya...well, she did, but you asked for it. I'm orf dahn the Camel to 'ave anuvver warble. You comin' or what?
You's gonna 'ave a big shiner in the mornin'. Hehehe! Serves ya right. Come on get ya coat on.

I'll buy ya's a drink if ya can be'ave yaself.

What on earth...?! Old Ladies don't use sticks as weapons! Whatever next...

I think Dis Grace has locked herself in the cellar Liddy - either than or she's gone out already .

*coming back in (after putting kids to bed!), lowering stick and grinning*

I weren't serious you know! Just wondered how far I could push you! Mind you, Addy's got a good right hook hasn't she?!

Backing down are ya Liddy? Well maybe we are getting on a bit for all this millarkey.....

I'll take your offer of a drink by way of apology and come with ya to the Camel but no funny business, right?! I've got my eye on you......

Fank goodness, ay Jinny? Come on, we's fooled 'er into goin' to the Camel. Let's bolt the front door an' 'ave a chat abaht me noo fahnd wealf ducky. Apparently, they is bein' sold tomorrer. Good old Add sortin' me aht like that. I get's me dosh in a week or two.

Excitin' innit? What do you's want then Joannie? I'll treat ya's as you 'ave bin so kind since I met ya.

Not like that...that...fing...Bucket Head!! 'E better not come sniffin' rahnd for me money Jen hen! I'll stick 'is rusty bucket somewhere a bucket don't belong!!!

Oooh..I'm gettin' violent agen. What's up wiv me Jeffrey darlin'?

Kettle's on.

Put ya false eye back in Dozey before I feed it ta the hens.

You're too good to us Liddy, really you are...

I wouldn't mind a new pair of slippers...your 3 blind mice became rather attached to my last pair and sought refuge in them . Bless them!

Mmm...tea; would you like a biscuit Lidd? I'm not too sure what they are but Grace ate one and she hasn't died yet so they should be safe .