You need some pills to calm ya down a bit, don't ya Liddy? Wanna try some of mine? Only you're not meant to take them with alcohol - erm....did you hear what I said just then NO ALCOHOL!

Where did that gin come from?

Oh no........

You's only wanna pair a slippers ducky? That ain't much is it? Still, you always did look a bit daft in them big clown slippers swee'eart. Whatever possessed you's to get a paira them fings then? me mice like 'em though so that's alright then innit? Don't ya want nuffing else? I set meself a limit of firty pahnds on all of ya's. Good to you ain't I?

Ooh...me gin tastes...right...odd....Jin...ny....there....is free....of you's....ooh..m...'ead....duck.....y....ooooh....I feel right......queer.....

I'm gonna fall dahn Jenny....quick...I'm goin'....oooh...I'm sinkin' fast.....I'm......

I fink I might be dead, Jeffrey

*Tries to catch a falling Liddy*

Maudling Gracie whatever you want to be known as!! HELP! I ...can't...move...

I think I might be dead too - I feel all flat and and err...lying on the floor .

Anyone there? Gracie?? Oo 'er, whatever will I do!

Does she NEVER listen to what anyone says? We've got to make her puke!!

Quick! Let's try and force feed her some..............

Where are you Jeannie? This isn't the time to be lying around!!

'Ere...get that bloomin' piece a pipe away from my gullet you great dollop, Dozey! Can't a gel get a bit tipsy wivout you lot jumpin' on 'er? Flippin' 'eck an' stroof what on earf was in that gin? Did you's put summink in me gin Dozey?? I'll swing fer you good an' proper I reelly will swing for you ya great pot'ole.

Oooooh ...me..'ead....tell....me...it....ain't....true...say....I...is....only...dreamin.....say helllo...wave....goodbye....I'm...leavin'...on...a...jet plane...I'm off..ta...see...the....wizard...the...won...der....ful...wiz....ard.....of Oz.....



*Snore.....snore.....grunt....snore....**

I think I'm going to go out for a walk and get some fresh air. Funny things seem to be going on here tonight, and it's rather disturing.



Oh, and sorry about trying to catch you Lidd - I thought you were going to hit your head on the floor, and I've just cleaned it.

*Glancing at pill bottle*

Actually she's only taken a vitamin tablet - I must've mixed the bottles up. It's the gin that's done it for her tonight - again! Told you so.......


Time for an early night tonight, Jeannie dearest - let's just cover her up and go back home, shall we?

Nighty night loves xxx

Sounds like a plan Gracie .

We'll come back and check on her tomorrow. Let me just find some blankets and things so she doesn't get cold...

xx

Hi girls. Just back from the skips at Tesco's. I have got some great supplies this time. Lots of dented cans, loaves of bread, some french sticks that we can use to beat off Rusty Bucket-Head if he dares to show his face and some pots of pickled things. Quite a feast eh? I got some bunches of flowers too but I fed most of those to Eddie on the way home.
I hear that I missed something at the Purple Camel earlier? Someone called an ambulance but I don't know what it was all about. Bother! I missed the fun.
Have you all gone home to bed or would anyone like a cocoa before bed? Not that Maud-Two-Gracelands person though. She is daft as a duck that one. Don't let her anywhere near my hens again; they've been off lay all day today.

**Talking in sleep**

"That's it Add....bop 'er one...go on gel...ooohhh..."grunt...snore..."you's a good pal Add...give 'er ya right 'ook ducky....woooo...hehe"...grunt...snore..."what's that Add? .....duck?...you ain't gotta duck..."BIFF!..."oooh ...you meant fer me ta duck....ouch Add....that diddun 'alf 'urt..".grunt...snore....snore...

Hello dear...

Oh Add - I don't know what's going on any more! It just all goes straight over my head, so it does. I fear I'm too 'old' for things like this. It's probably just as well you went to the skips - Liddy appears to have been living on liquorice allsorts .

Cocoa would be greatly appreciated though. I think Liddy is asleep...

Large mug of cocoa coming up Greenie old thing. Want to try some of these tinned biscuits too? I did look for some tins of veggae haggae in the skips but had no luck. Perhaps they are too rare to be sold in Tesco's.
If you give Lidd a quick dig in the ribs with your umberella she usually comes to.
WANT SOME COCOA LIDD? No, nothing WANT A BISCUIT LIDD? Still nothing. LOK OVER THERE LIDD. A HANDSOME MAN IN A SMART SUIT!!!!

Hi LIDD. (That worked a treat!) Want a cocoa?

Oooh Addy...you is right cru-ell ta me you reellly reelly is cru-ell ta me. I was snorin' me 'ead orf then, dreamin' of a luvverly fella in a suit an' braces an' everyfing. What d'ya go an' wake me up for?

Biscuit? Yeah, I'll 'ave a biscuit. Ta ducky. I'll take it ta me bed 'cos me 'ead is spinnin' like a circus top an' we gotta big day tomorrer. I'm right nervous Add. We'll be Ok won't we darlin'. That fella Sharon is gonna be there int he?

Wake me up in the mornin' won't ya Add? I don't wanna be late fer me manooscript sail fingy.

Night ducky.

I will give you a yell at six Lidd. I'll be having a practice on my natural horn before then anyway so you'll be awake I expect.
I wonder if that Sharron woman is actually called Stephen Roe? He has been on the phone a few times this week. Lovely speaking voice he has Lidd.
I am so excited about tomorrow. You'll be a wealthy woman Lidd.

Good luck Lidd - you'll be coming home richer than you've ever been in your whole life!

Are you awake yet Gracie? I think it's just going to be you and I today, at least until Add and Lidd come back from the sale. Exciting, innit?

What's to be excited about? She don't like me and all I'll hear later is Liddy harping on about how rich she is.........

Where's the auction anyway? Might pop down and have a nose if it's not too far......want to join me?

I don't know... It might be in London, but it's quite a small place I believe so I'm sure we'd be able to find them!

Right, that's settled then! How are we going to get there?


*Looney - thanks for your message, I can't use PM here but the answer is 'yes' *

We can use Gordon - he often does errands for us back at the Shelter. Just pass him a few 'sweeteners' and he'll do anything we ask!

We don't need to tell him how far we're going, do we?

Of course we don't - We'll just have to keep him entertained so that the time passes quickly!

*shufffling towards door*

I'll be off to find Gordon then - meet you back here later!

Bye for now, Jeannie!

Right, Sotherby's London, Date check - right day. Now all I've got to do is find Liddy! If things go OK we're going to tea at the Ritz this afternoon.

Oh I do hope I can keep the tone of this visit high. It means so much to Liddy, oh it does.

I've even bought a red handbag to go with the Ruby slippers and I'm wearing my best Blazer and skirt today. My umbrella even co-ordinates.

Now where can she be?

(some of us have the sale catalogue and an A-Z so can find places fairly easily!)

*shuffling back in*

Right that's settled then! Gordon will meet us out front with the minibus so's more can come....

Oh hello there Elsie! Erm..........you're rather dolled up special this morning! *where are my sunglasses? I think I might be having a migraine!*

I'll just pop into the kitchen and make some sarnies for the trip. You've got a flask of tea there already I see, Elsie.

Just need to wait for everyone to turn up and then we'll be off!

Sotheby's eh? Need to mind my p's and q's then so let's hope Liddy doesn't set me off.....

Right. I've got my brolly, hiking boots, tin opener, gas stove and fountain pen. Hang on, I think I've picked up the wrong bag. Ah, here it is *rummaging*...The A-Z, a tube map, binoculars and an invisibility cloak. I think that must be just about everything.

I'll just make a cup of tea whilst we wait for Gordon - whoever he is. He had better not be a relative of Phyl...

Oh Gracie - probably not a good idea to take egg sandwiches today sweet; we don't want to draw any more attention to ourselves!

From Hawaii.

Dear Gals, Stumac and Rust Bucket,
Just a line to say I'll be home at the weekend
Had to get shot of Juan, he'd made all his money growing dubious crops, and the police came after him with MI5, COA and Uncle Tom Cobbly.
HAd a ball with Chuck and Chip from the old USA on their yacht. We'are sailing into Falmouth next Sunday.
Hope you are all well. Just trying to imagine Stumac in cycling shorts
Congratulations Addy
Great Aunt May.

this invisibility cloak jeannie, did ya get it when to went on that train trip to hogwash?

**Outside Sotherbys **

Oooh Addy...are you's 'ere ducky? I'm right nervous, I don't mind bloomin' well tellin' you's darlin'. I sin Sharon goin' in just now lookin' all pleased wiv 'imself. We's due in soon Addy...where are ya's? My tummy's all in a tangle an' me breavin's gorn wrong. I'm gonna fall over wiv me feet in the air right 'ere an' now if you don't show yaself soon swee'eart. Oooh me breavin's goin'......I'm gonna fall dahn Addy..I'm goin'...I am....I'm almost on the floor....'ere I go....oooohhh Addy!!


Stroof where are ya's?

coo-ie I'm over here!

I suppose you don't recognise me when I'm all dressed up. The others may be travelling by minibus, but with these ruby slippers I can get where I want in an instant!

Yes Elsie - some lovely young man dropped it as he was dashing off somewhere in a hurry, so I picked it up. Next thing I know, I can't see my legs! Wonderful it is, really wonderful.

Stroof, where on earth has this Gordon fella got to? It'd be quicker to walk to London . Gracie? Chickened out have you? Scared of showing Liddy up? Just as well I learned the art of aparition when i visited Hogswadlle .

you mean you haven't got a portkey?

Ah there you are I see that you mangaed to disapparate and reappear here with no problem.

Have some tea!

Addy we're here, Jeannie and Elsie!

OI!! You's two!! I'm layin' over 'ere wiv me feet in the air cos Addy let me fall over, an everyone is steppin' rahnd me or frowin' their change in me 'at an' lobbin' old burger wrappin's on me 'ead! Do I look like an old bag lady or what?? fer goodness sake, 'elp me get meself up so's I can get me pride back...


We's due in at 2 0'clock, so you lot better be'ave yaselves an' don't show me up or nuffing. Summat, what 'ave you got on your 'ead ducky? Not anuvver bloomin' great birds nest? Or 'ave you 'ad ya 'air permed or summink? Joannie, you is sensible. 'Ang on ta me arm sweet, so that when I falls over agen, I'll 'ave summink soft ta land on. That floor is bloomin' ard.


Oooh me poor tum....I'll be in the ladies lovvies

Blimey Gordon whadya turn north up the M1 for? Well at least we're here now. Go and park the minibus and wait for us, there's a love.

2pm wasn't it, according to Elsie. Awfully quiet. No sign of the others so they must've gone in already.....

Shush ya noise Dozey!! Trust you ta be whisperin' louder than summink what is very loud! Who said you could come anyway? my manooscript is lot 57. We is on lot 42 now, so it won't be long before I'm a millionairess....oooh me gawd...a millionairess...ooh my...me breavin' again....get us a paper bag someone...no! not plastic Summat!....oooh I'm goin' gels....breave in...breave aht...breave in...me 'ead ain't got no blood...I'm goin'.....

Where's me flask? I got some gin in it.

Where's bloomin' Addy?

I'm gonna cry real tears in a minnit. Me nerves are like ...nerve type fingies...ooh me poor tum...move aht the way Summat, I needs the ladies lovvies

LIDDY!! Will you get off my arm? Please?! Ta everso sweet.

Calm down dear, we're on lot 49 now...

Oooh Jeannie...I'm right sorry abaht you's arm dear. Next time I'll put a tight grip on Dozeys neck knee.

It's funny in 'ere innit? All these people wavin' their arms abaht like a mad fing. Shall I stick me finger up in the air, Jen hen? They is lookin' like a right bunch of narners ain't they ducky? I see Sharon walkin' abaht just now. 'E was makin' sure all the 'phones work. 'What's that abaht then Jeff?

OOh...someone is sellin' a right pretty gazzunder. I fink I'll stick me finger up fer that one. I likes the look of that, and it'll save me gettin' outa bed of a night when...er....nature calls. Oooh me tum...I'll be in the ladies lovvies. Bid fer that gazzunder for me Jonty darlin'.

Ta muchly.

Hello?! Love, what's going on? I feel a bit worried. Anyway, how are you dears getting on?

Jeannie - are you sure you should be keeping your hand up like that? The bid's gone up awfully high..

Ah we is at an awk-shun. They is awful awkward, those things.

Oh, my heart's all of a flutter gels! That lovely looking man at the front - in a suit!! - just looked me in the eye and said 'Sold! To the lady at the back' - Sold! I wonder what it could mean...Anyone know?

**Liddy comes along the row of chairs **

ooh..sorry....oooh mind you's toes...stoopid woman...beg pardon guv....'ello ducky, let me frew if you would be so kind...ooh I say...was that your umbrella?....cheeky boy....

Did ya's get me gazzunder Jonty darlin'? 'Ow much was it then?

I'm not sure Liddy - I think the last thing the man in the suit with the lovely...anyway, he said 'Fifty pounds, madam'. Was that too much Lidd? Oh dear .

What's happening now? Where are Gracie and Elsie - they've vanished! If they've taken my cloak I'll not be best pleased .

I've just checked - the fifty pounds is just the deposit. Ermmmmm *gulp*

I have to go to the loo now.......

Has our lot come up yet... I was still looking for Addy?

Good God! What has she bought? Will someone hold her hand in future. I'm sure Addy doesn't want to bail her out.

Will someone hold my hand in future?! It's all my fault... What on earth have I done?!

*Hides from Liddy behind antique cabinet*



Ah, she seems to have forgotten about it already!

'Ow much??? 'Ow bloomin' much ??? That's a lot for an old pot to....go in...innit?? I coulda got a noo one for that! Flippin' 'eck Joannie. I'll bid for me manooscript by meself else you lot would cost me a right fortune.

We is only two lots away now gels..oooh not agen....


**Liddy walks along the row **

'Scuse me...oooh dear...mind ya toes agen ya daft old bat...sorry agen guv...'ello cheeky boy..ooh I gotta go quick..

Just put your invisibility cloak Jeannie, that way you can wave your hand as much as you like watch the proceedings and not buy anything else.

Oh no, I've got an itchy nose, can I hide underneath too before I buy something I don't want.

I've just had a word with the man in the suit. He says that we can off-set the amount that we get for the manuscript for that gazzunder thingy.

Oh lordy - what a state! Quick - Liddy's coming back!

**Liddy comes back **

please be upstandin'...get yaself up...ta ducky...'ello 'andsome....you reelly is gettin' on me nerves lady!...coochy coo sweety.....

I'm next gels...me bloomin' manooscript is next...oooh I can't go aht agen, I'll miss it...breave in...breave aht.....breave in...breave aht...'old me 'and Jeffrey...where's ya knee Dozey....fan me wiv you's fan Summat...not too 'ard sweet...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Lot 57 has been authenticated as a genuine manuscript of the Symphony No. 6 "The Pastoral" by Ludwig van Beethoven. For many years it has been hidden in a pair of floral curtains, belonging to a certain Ms Lydia Coal-Bunker. The manuscript only came to light when Ms Coal-Bunker removed the lining in order to make herself a...er...dress."

**Sound of titters around the room **

They's laughin' at me...I'll swing for 'em I reelly reelly will swing for 'em.....

"Ahem...who will start the bidding at one million pounds?"

You what....a million bloomin' pahnds....

**Liddy falls to the floor **

Breave in...breave aht...breave in....breave aht....

Its alright Liddy, I've bought the smelling salts. 'ere you are dearie, and if you really need it theres a nip of armangnac in my hip flask.

Liddy! Liddy! Calm yourself! Slow, deep breaths come on now!

Oh no! Don't hold your breath! You're starting to go blue! Help girls! Get me some cold water!

My goodness. Thats a really nasty colour. Given her age I think we need to call the paramedics!

Please give her some air.

Liddy, its me, summat Else, you've had a bit of a funny turn, but we've called someone in to give you a check over.