OOooohhh me gazzunder...I want me gazzunder....where's Addy? .....where's my Iva?.....where's my Tiddles?.....where's me gin?....a million pahnds....a million bloomin' pahnds....


"Three million seven hundred and fifty thousand pounds "

Ooooh....free million...free flippin' million....me shed....I can buy me noo shed...Joannie can 'ave 'er noo slippers...Addy can 'ave 'er face sorted aht....Rusty Bucket can 'ave a can of oil....Summat can 'ave singin' lessons....Harry Barry Parry can 'ave is own Lino....Dozey can 'ave a one way ticket to Siberia....oooh.....breave in ....breave aht....breave in....

She's stopped breathing again!!!

I think it might be a bit late for the para-medics - if we don't do something now, she's definitely a gonna!

That vase of flowers should do the trick!

*pours water over Liddy*

ta everso Dozey!!!!!

Liddy then men in green uniforms have just arrived to check you over.

No you were not hearing things about the price, and its still going, but don't worry about that now, those telephone bidders are fighting it out, but that just means more money.

No I'm not her next of kin, but a good friend, no please let me know which hospital you're taking her to

Girls, we need to sort out the money and make sure Liddy gets it.

Well that's afternoon tea off the agenda, its a trip to the Chelsea and Westminster instead, after the auction finishes.

(Ahhhh! always wondered what you looked like, DC?! )

You'd stopped breathing! I had no choice! You'd gone all blue like..

Erm.... please don't get violent now, I was only trying to help..

*shuffles off and trips over in aisle. Liddy follows and trips as well. One of the stewards, bringing up the next item, a rare Ming dynasty vase, trips over Liddy and Gracie and......*

Jeannie catches it nobody knew she was there owing to her wearing her invisibility cloak.

Fortunately the paramedics have given her something to calm her down and have taken her off to a hospital.


Blimey, 21 and a half million... bet that's going to make the evening news.

Now you lot go off to the Ritz and I'll see how she is at the hospital.

Thank goodness I've got me Ruby Slippers on so can swap between the two places instantaneously.

Oh stop looking at me like that, I'll travel via the ladies loo so not to shock anyone.

What on earth... I pop out for 2 minutes (no reason inparticular, honest ) and everything's become a riot!

Oh my! Liddy's in hospital? Is she going to be ok ie actually live to be a multi-millionairess? Where's Gracie? And Elsie's disappeared too! What am I doing with this vase? Right tatty looking thing it is too - here, take it *Passes vase to shifty looking youngster dressed head-to-toe in black*.

Oh - poor Liddy - hope she's alright. Hang on - what's that commotion outside in the hall? I'm sure that's her voice - and it's getting louder........

*Doors open, sound of cursing....*

Get me outa this d*mn place! I'm goin' back to the auction an' you lot ain't gonna stop me.

Run.....run...run......I'm back gels...I'm back....


What did I get fer Wiggys paper then??? Tell me then someone. You's all looked right shocked I'm tellin' ya's.

Tell me then or I might 'ave ta wallop you's.....

Just popped back from the Chelsea and Westminister where I spoke to a rather charming nurse practictioner who says she should be fine, but they're likely to keep her in over night.

Now I need to speak to that steward and make sure Liddy gets her money.

I'll be back soon.

Liddy, you're coming with me back to that hospital.

Don't shout! Calm down - you're a rich lady!! 21.5 million pounds!! Don't faint! And what out for that man with the vase.....

Oh no - not again......

*Liddy falls to the ground with a thump, tripping up the young lad who also goes flying - sound of vase shattering*

into a pile of cushions and he doesn no damage to the vase.

good, I'm back at the Chelsea and Westminister with Liddy.

Doctor I think you might need to give her a strongish sedative.

oooooher did ya drop that vase ducky? Good job it weren't a noo one ay?


I fink that man's lookin' a bit cross gels...

I'm right scared now girls! He looks extremely cross indeed. Look! He's going all red in the face.

How much did you say that vase was worth?

I think we should leave...

*security guards appear*

Oh it's okay darlings - we know the way out of here.

Erm - no we came in through that door over there......

Excuse me! Let go of my arm!!

Oi, you, don't you dare touch her! Get away from us! We don't mean nothing harm.

Help! It wasn't me - honest! I didn't do anything!

Help, please...girls?

Right I've got liddy sorted, now I'm getting the cheque... yes all written out for the right amount to the right person.

Gentleman, the vase isn't broken, and these ladies are just leaving.

Yes sir, I know its unorthadox behaviour but they're all going.

I'm sorry about Ms Coal Bunker but she isn't well as I've discussed with the steward.

I've got to get this cheque to her or she won't stay in hospital.

*sits up with a start*



What a day! Boy am I glad to be home...

Does anyone else feel like they've been asleep for hours? It's almost as though I imagined the whole thing. How odd .

No ducky! I'm sfraid it wasn't a dream. I'm still up the hospital with Liddy.

They're keeping her in overnight, but should let her out tommorrow. I've got her cheque, she's seen it, and I've got her bank deposit book from her bag ready to pay in the cheque tommorrow.


All the tests have come back OK, they think it might have been something transient, so once she's rested up, and read all the cuttings she'll be fine.

I've dealt with the PR so no-ones expecting to interview her on the telly for a few days, and the journalists have been told in no-uncertain terms by hospital security to visit... anyway they've got me to deal with first.

And I'm summat Else!

**Sounds of knocking on Jeannies window**

'Ere Joannie, let me in gel. I's got out of the 'ospidal. Bloomin' place. I got me bag an' me cheque orf Summat while she was snorin' 'er 'ead orf.

What a bloomin' old day that was...flippin' 'eck an' blimey norah!!! I don't believe I is worf all that luvverly lolly. 'Ow much did you say, Dozey?? Enough ta buy 2 good sheds I reckon. I'll 'ave one 'ere an' one dahn on the coast so's I can use it fer me 'olidays! We's can all go aht when May's back. An' where on earf was Addy taday? Me bestest pal in the weld missed me moment of gloria. Still, she'll be alright.

I fink I dreamt most of it seein' as I spent 'alf the day on the floor wiv me feet in the air. But I do remembers me gazzunder. Where's that then?

Cor, what a day. Ta everso fer bein' wiv me ladies.

Kettles on duckies, an' I got some real cake 'ere if you's want any.

*Big hug for Liddy*

Oh love - glad to have you back - I was real worried for you (even though you've been right horrid to me at times)

It was quite a day - and quite a narrow escape from those security guards as well! Just as well we had a few magical items around to save the day!

The gazzunder - now don't get too upset but it used to belong to the Emperor Napolean and he had it commissioned specially from China. As a result it's completely unique and made out of the finest procelain so it has to be handled with care. We brought it back with us in the minibus. It's sitting over there by the fire.

That envelope you're holding with the cheque in - it's written out to the value of *gulp!* the price of the manuscript, minus commission, minus the price of the gazzunder *gulp* which - don't look at me llike that - you did ask Jeannie to bid for the gazzunder and it had the biggest reserve price on the list...

Liddy?!

Liddy - you're safe!

*Crumbles in a heap infront of the fire*

Ah...me luvverly pot to...er...go in...innit luvverly? I's gonna get some crocus bulbs an' stick in it. Good idea innit.

Ta everso fer buyin' it for me Jeffrey darlin'. Now, let's 'ave a look at me cheque....


Stroof!!!! Where's all me money gorn?????


**Liddy keels over**

Oohh...oh.......me money's gorn....ohhh...me money's gorn dahn the pan....oh....breave in...breave aht....breave in....me shed...me poor poor shed.....Addys poor face....Joannies slippers....Rusty's gonna stay rusty....Clarice will 'ave ta keep Addy's Lino....Dozey won't be goin' orf ta Siberia...an' Summat still won't be able ta sing....oooh me 'ead...I ain't got no blood in me 'ead....stick me feet up in the air a-bloomin'-gen Jen hen....

'Ello
what are we all upto ere then?

ill just go put th' kettel on lovvies

anyone fancy a booorbun cream?



*spits out tea in disgust*

There you go Lidd. I'll make us some strong tea and that should help you come round a bit.

What's this?! Gracie, do you...I've never...girls??

Thump

Oooh...who you fumpin' Johnny?....I was just 'avin' a doze then...'ere, who let that goat in?....mind me gazzunder!!! It's eatin' me crocuses...look aht, ya clumsy great fing!!!! NO!!!!! it's broken it...that great lump of goats cheese 'as broken me gazzunder....I ain't got nuffing in the weld nah...no shed...no 'ome...no Tiddles...no nuffing. I'm crying real tears 'ere...

Boo hoo...boo hoo...BOO HOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want me mum......

The thump was that bloomin' goat knocking me over .

What are we going to do, Lidd?

Flippin' eck, Jeff. What a day. Rags ta riches back ta rags agen. I weren't born to 'ave money Jeronimo. Oh well, I got me gels ay?


Kettles on dear. Be so good as ta make a brew, would ya darlin'? Ta ducky.

(I'm at work and I'm in hysterics!)

*Voiceover*

And so, dear listeners, as tonight's program draws to a close, (edit: and the kettle is being boiled!) we have to leave the dear folk in the OLTVA contemplating their loss but let us pause for a moment to reflect on today's events.

We had at the beginning of events Beethoven's manuscript, a minibus, an invisible cloak and a pair of ruby slippers.

We are left with a broken gazzunder and a goat.

Who would have thought that things would turn out the way they have?

Tune in for more news on the OLTVA....after this Ovaltine advert

"We are the ovaltinies, Jeannie, me an' Grace!
If you want to see what strife is
Tune in and you'll know that life is
All down to goats and potties
Who needs loads of cash?
Crocuses won't get you rich and
Wiggy's paper will soon rip and
We are the ovaltinies, Jeannie, me an' Grace
What a shame that Addy
Won't be gettin' 'er noo face!!!!"

Thank you and good night folks! xxxxxx

Bloomin' marvellous...

Ta ducky. I can't keep me eyes open no longer, gel. I'm orf ta me bed.

Night night me old pal.

See ya's tomorrer gawd willin'.

**Bleh!!**

Watcha Ladies, Sorry that I had to leave the auction early. I had only just arrived with Lidd when I had a call on my new portative phone to say that I was needed back home. Eddie, Plod and Dobbin had escaped and were on the main road heading for town and there was no-one around who could get them back again so I had to get a taxi and then a train home. It is all sorted though now. Did I miss much?

Hi Addy. I'm just making myself an Ovaltine ( ), care to join me?

Have a seat and I'll tell you all about today........

Flippin' 'eck Add...

Well, I sold me manooscript...I was rich...Jeannie bid like a mad fing fer a gazzunder...someone broke a Minging vase what was worf a lotta money...I got carted orf to 'ospidal...Summat tried ta pinch me money...I escaped from 'ospidal...I saw me cheque..all bloomin' gorn...I stuck some crocuses in me gazzunder...me only asset in the weld was then trampled to bits by a walkin' goat curry on legs...I was poor agen...

So, no dear, you's ain't missed nuffing really.

We'll 'ave a good old natter tomorrer ducky.

Sorry you's missed me moment. Never mind, I expect there'll be more...

Laters lovey,
Liddy xxxxxxx

Poor old Liddy - she's been on quite a roller coaster today.

Goodnight, Sweetheart, Goodnight...

Goodnight girls xxx

Sounds as if I missed quite a lot then. Ah well!
Did you not see the radio news this evening Lidd? The auction was featured as one of the last items and your manuscript had a mention of course. It went for some huge price so they said. They said something about that vase too; the one that was thought to be quite a priceless bit of Ming. It turned out that after it was broken the bits were collected for restoration and it was found to be only a replica after all. It was a very nice replica the expert said and as such would have been worth around five hundred pounds only. Now it doesn't look like such a disaster does it? The Auction house would have been well insured for breakages anyway. They do happen from time to time. You should see old Butterfingers at the Gaerwen auction house; he drops things on a weekly basis. People go there just to watch him in action.
They should dispatch your cheque after the buyer's payment has cleared so I don't know what all of that fuss was about you losing all of your money Lidd, I really don't. Did they make you an interim payment in the form of a small cheque perhaps? I am sure that Sotheby’s are far more organized than to make such mistakes. I am sorry that I missed it now. I would have sorted them out with the duck end of my broll
As to that guzzunder think, why not re sell it on E-Bay Lidd? Some rich American may buy it for a small fortune and then all will be back to normal.
Why you ended up in hospital and had to escape is a mystery to me at the moment but I expect that you will fill me in tomorrow later today.
Do you know who bought your manuscript Lidd?

Silly 'ol bat, thought she'd taken her cheque off me... well its 45 mins until I can pay it into her account. Why she discharged herself I don't know.

And now she thinks I've pinched the cheque! Well I haven't, better get over there right away to reassure her.
<clicks heels together three times>

Liddy, Oh good to see you're alright, now here's your cheque and paying in book, its all filled in, now do you want me to take it to the bank, or whall you.

You've got to calm down. Next time you have a turn like that it could be a stroke. You might now be a multi-millionaress, but I for one don't want you to dead a dead multi-millionaress.

Now I've arranged your the hunky GP from your practice to come to see you today, he should be around a midday.

*Concerned look at Elsie*

Come and sit down dear - you're looking a little dishevelled. Your hair's all over the place and you've lost some buttons from your jacket (how did she say she got back from the hospital? Magical ruby slippers? (deleted))

It has been a dramatic 24 hours but unfortunately, as Liddy said earlier, the money's gone and the gazzunder has been broken..........

Money isn't everything. We still have each other and if we can pull through this we'll be stronger than ever!!

Kettle's on.........

The money is not gone. I've just paid it into the bank!

Here's the counterfoil to proove it.


Look I know you lot don't believe me about these ruby slippers, but I've been using them to get about for months!


The gazunder is broken, well whoops! at least there is enough money to pay for it, and still leave Liddy a multi-millionaress.

I told you before, she thought she took the cheque, but that was a blank piece of paper from my note-pad. I had the cheque all the time, and now it's safely in the bank.

Oh BTW, the bank manager is going to call on Liddy later, I know he normally wouldn't but as she is now a multi-millionaress, he wants to advise her over the best sort of account to leave this money. It is very unusual to pay in 21.5 million into ones current account!

And before anyone mentions it my mind is fine, but I admit that after careering around after Liddy, I'm not looking my best and need a new dress.

Now lets unpick another pair of curtains. There's a nice chintz pair over there.

*More concerned look at Elsie*

Gently now Elsie - Old Ladies don't go around with magical ruby slippers and I don't know what the cheque was that you cashed - the bank manager rung to say that he was going to call in to have a quiet word as the cheque was made out from "Bank of Oz" which obviously doesn't exist........

Tea's just brewed love - let's just settle you down now.......

Flippin' 'eck an' blimey stroof what is goin' on 'ere?! Am I rich or poor or what? I have no idea...me poor 'ead...me poor gazzunder...me poor Tiddles....me poor curtains what Summat is choppin' ta pieces...


Someone tell me what is 'appenin' before I 'ave a fit of the screamin' ab dabs. Fank you.

Kettle's on.

I'm sorry the cheque I paind in was a bankers draft from coutts - Bank of Oz, someone is trying to pull me leg.

Good god, what's this... Mozart concerto in C for Oboe and Orchestra, they'd thought they'd lost the manuscript for this one, quick, we need to call that valuer again!

Liddy that's two pairs of curtains and two valuabe manuscripts. What happens when we unpick the rest.

Now what fabric do ya want for ya new curtains me dear. In a few day's when the money has cleared in your account you can buy what ever you want.

Thanks for the tea.

Liddy you are rich and I am extremely sane. Now stop worrying or you'll make yourself ill again.

Interstingly enough, I've just checked your insurance documents, and the gazunder was covered, the schedule did not stipulate a maximum value, so all is not lost at all! I've rung Southerby's and they will send a confirmation of the sale price, oh and as you collapsed yesterday, the valuer is going to visit you about your new rare manuscript.

**Sounds of Liddy running away very fast indeed down the road and jumping on the first bus that comes along **

RIGHT!!! THAT'S IT!!! I don't wanna be rich...I want me noo shed, an 'oliday, a night out wiv the gels and a few bob in the bank. THAT'S ALL!!!!!

I've written a cheque to the Donkey Derby Distressed Donkeys and Riders Sanctuary. They can 'ave the 'ole bloomin' lot. I got enough to make me very comfy, ta very much.

Summat, 'ave the noo manooscript for yaself...finders keepers an' all that. I can't stand that Wolfy fella anyways.

You's can 'ave me gazzunder to buy Rusty Bucket a noo suit of armour an' Harry Larry Barry Parry Clarice a Lino.

I'm orf for a break until the broo ha ha dies dahn a bit.

laters loveys
Liddy XXXXXXXXXXX

*Gawping*

Did you see that! I didn't know Liddy could run so fast!

What a turn of events! Donkey santuary eh?

All this money has got me thinkin' I should sort out my daughter and get back what is rightfully mine!

I'm off then folks. See ya!


xxx

Lidd, I copied that Mozart manuscript out on some old paper at the local Spar shop and stuffed it into your curtains as a joke!!!! They won't get much cash for that one!!
I think that your donky idea is great. Well done you for being so donkey minded. If I won millions I would do much the same. After all we can't have Addy and Liddy changing too much can we. Money makes people behave in odd ways and we are nothing if not totally normal and long may it stay that way.
I was thinking of selling up here though and buying a little place in France where I could take my ponies and my hens and my natural horn and get away from things. Fancy joining me Lidd?
I have my eye on a lovely old water mill there. I don't think that I would miss things here much apart from the Purple Camel of course. What do you think Lidd? Shall I do it Lidd?