Oops me dear. Must have been some other Scottish person with a long kilt and a short sporran! Film were no good either! Off to eat some welsh rarebit with me cats.

Yeah that would be it. Glad I didnt 'ave ta set me big boys on ya (Philma Coal-Bunker and Arfur Coal-Bunker) Nor my gel (Indie Coal-Bunker). 'Ope ya didn't choke on ya rarebit (not too much anyway)

Agh, what's going on......?!?!?!

No idea, love. Just go with the flow!

Yes... now where's moi comfortable rocker gone to? Might've bin that dog's that made off wit it!



Mathilda / Tilly

I don.t 'av comfortable rockers any more. I had to 'av 'em removed after the war.I don't think that the dog 'ad mine though! Bit of a fussy eater is my Rover!

Good morning, may I introduce myself, I'm Lavinia. I've just come from The Bank where I've been waiting all night to be served. It really isn't good enough. I remember the days when the Bank Manager would come out to greet you and give you a chair to sit on. Now they have these young upstarts calling themselves managers. Managers indeed! They can't even manage to get off their backsides to serve you.

I heard about this Association from someone at my bowling club the other day, and a very good thing it is too. If you're still recruiting members, I'd very much like to join. Is there a proper Manager here that I can speak to about joining?

'Allo Lave me ole bean. I don't fink we 'as a manager 'ere. We just get together and 'ave a good moan 'bout everything and .ow much better it all was in the old days. Wanna cuppa my dear?

'Ello Lavvy! I'm flushed with pride to meet ya, luv. 'Ope ya don't go down the pan like this other old lot in 'ere. That's enuff of the smutty jokes- I 'xpect you've 'eard 'em all before eh?

Cackle, cackle

Eh...? What's That?

Will you keep the noise down I'm trying to get a bit of shut eye here.

Eee a cuppa tea’d be reight nice, petal. Mek it a weak one, and no sugar. I ‘ad to give up sugar in me tea during’t war, you know, and it’s never agreed with me since. Brings out me rash, yer know. I were afraid you’d all be a bit too posh ‘ere for me, if yer know what I mean. Ladies an’ all that. Eee I feel right at ‘ome now. Mind if I tek me shoes off, luv, me bunions are playing up summat awful.

You call me what yer like, dearie, it’s all’t same to me. I met a reight posh geezer t’other day and ‘e called me “Lavvy” ‘n all. Couldn’t understand ‘ow ‘e knew me name, cos we’d not met before, like. Turned out ‘e were saying “luvvy”, but in a reight posh voice. ‘E worked in television yer know.

That’s a reight pretty pinny you’re wearing, did you mek it yoursen? Yer can’t get pinnies these days like you used to, can yer....

Me wearin' a pinny....nah that's the pattern me food makes when I dribble it all dahn me front innit? Blimey- that geezer sahnds posh. What's 'e do in telly then? Muck out all those silly swimmin' 'ippoes? Good job fer you, eh Lavvy?

Did someone mention food? Where's me meals on wheels?

Olive

Dunno where yours is- my cat ate mine.

I'd 'ave a nice potted meat sandwich if you 'ad one, flower. But yer can't get potted meat these days can yer, not with that BFE business with the cows an' all. I used to like me potted meat sandwiches for Sunday tea, with all of us sitting round't wireless listening to 'Enry 'All an' 'is band. An' t'youngsters don't 'ave Sunday tea these days do they, they're off out all't time at them interknit cafes or whatever they're called.

I'll 'ave one of them new-fangled jam tarts then, they look nice enough. Eh, Swedish do you say? Eee I'm tickled pink to think I'm eating a foreign jam tart! Is t'chef one of you ladies, an' do she cum in 'ere? Eee it's reight nice and tasty in't it ...

yer can 'ave a potted meat butty if you want. I got a right good deal on canned meat in the local shop yesterday. It were four cans for 90p. It tastes lovely but it has a very silly name. It were called pedigree chum an' it were several months out of date but it tastes quite fresh if you add lots of mustard. Want one? I were out of butter so I 'ad to use goose fat but try one an' see wot you think. me ole bean.
I saw a film about swedish tarts once. It were on very late at night and it were a bit rude so I think I'll pass on those.

That pedigree chum 'as sent ya barking, love! I'm far too young to know about Swedish Tarts, but I does remember that Swedish chef in the Muppets. Funny herdy gerdy type language innit? Mind you, that Welsh talk is a bit odd too....goo ga goff train station. What's that all abou' then?

Nothing wrong with Welsh, especially if you 'ave a bad chest and you take your teeth out! That "Ogogoch " bit just means "red cave" in my lovely mother tongue. I'll eat my butties myself if you don't fancy any. Pass us a panad please.

Gawd! Why d'ya need so many letters just to say "red cave"? Wot's a panad? Is it Welsh for "You see that hill over there- it's made of green grass?" Ah- reminds me of that lovely Tom Jones! 'E sung summink about hills didn't 'e?

Noooo, yer great duffer! A panad is a cuppa . Eh, that almost rhymes! Aren't we poetic? Tom Jones sang about all sorts of daft things. Hills, pussy cats, people getting stabbed, no wonder people throw knickers at 'im!

Who you callin' a duffer
You great old railway buffer
Panad a cup of tea?
Talk English just like me!
If Tom saw those old drawers
He'd say " these can't be yours!"
I'd say "Tom, you great big tw*t
These belong to old petrat"

Eee now I didna think we'd 'ave talk like in 'ere, lass. We 'ave that sorta talk on't telly, yer know, you can't watch owt these days without 'em all cussing and swearing. I thought I were cummin' in 'ere to 'ave a natter with you reight nice ladies about - wot were it you called it, traditional values, or summat. I don't reightly know wot that means yer know, but I didna think it meant using them sorta words from off't telly....

Worry not, Lavvy, luvvy! Me an' old Addy go way back. By the way, wot's a telly? That's not anuvver language for cup a tea is it? Gawd, strike a light! No don't- you silly twit left the gas ring on- BOOM!!!!!!

OOOH! We said "Knickers"! We really should not use language like that! should we Mrs Coal-Bunker dear! From now on my language will be as pure as the driven snow on the top of Snowdon. Swear Box anyone?

'Ello dear. Fought I'd give yer an update now me 'ouse is back in one piece. Fancy me leavin the gas ring on eh? Anyone would fink I'm senile or summink. Wos worth it though- ya shoulda seen the firemen!! Wayhay! Wish I was thirty years younger. Kept callin' me "love" and "Duck". There woz me wiv me face black as the ace of spades and me 'air stickin' up like one of them old Pink Rockets wot used to sing them 'orrible songs. Someone found a pair of me drawers blown up in a tree! Gawd I woz embarrassed. Fireman got 'em down wiv the cat that had gorn up there like a thing possessed. (Note I said "drawers" and not the k word, Petrat dear). I should imagine your swear box is full to overflowin'.

I got a new telly wiv me insurance. Cor what a load of old rubbish eh? I watched them people dancin' on Saturday. Wot those girls up to? Wearin' nuffin but a shoe lace and a smile. My old man woulda loved it though.

I see you writing to old Fred for 'is birfday. Cor dear me- sure that wasn't summink else for your swear box?

Ah well, best get on. There's anuvver silly programme on now where people open boxes. That fella wot used to do Mr Blobby is on it. Not a bad looker for 'is age eh!

Liddy my love, THAT'S IT! I am going to claim for damage to my sides after that! I have not laughed so much in weeks. The thought of you blowing up your house!!! I don't know!! I hope that the tree drawers were a lovely new pair and not those old grey ones with the saggy elastic that you used to wear for doing the can can on fridays at the local hop. (more of a can't can't in our case as I remember). No, I don't need the swear box for my birthday greeting to old Freddie. I just told him a happy birthday in Welsh. I am very hurt that you would think otherwise Liddy. As I recall it was YOU who used to wolf whistle at the lads on a saturday! I am not like that at all. I'm off to watch telly too. Don't forget to take your teeth out before your bed!

AUTO-TUNE



Couple of hundred quid, and the voice is sorted!

Hehehe! Claim all yer like dear. Ain't got a penny to me name now! Those old drawers were as pure as me before they ended up in the tree. Now they got an imprint of the cat in 'em like ya see in them cartune things. Ooh yeah, I remember whistling at the lads. Not as loud as you though. That's when I lost me last set of falsies. Blew 'em straight out down the drain. Ain't bovvered since. Me old gums are as 'ard as rock. Look....can you see 'em? No need for me to suck toffees! Cackle cackle! I remember old Lucy Lastic. She woz one for the lads eh?
Can't sit 'ere all day. Gotta go shoppin' now. Cor the price of fings nowadays. Musn't laugh too much- 'ave run out of me tenner lady fingys. Bye fer now luvvy.

Maybe we should go busking to try to get your funds in shape before Christmas then, our Liddy! I can sing and you can whistle, and then we can swap over. That should bring in some pennies. I aven't seen anything of Lucy since she ran away with the nice man from the council after 'e came to fix 'er drains that time. Do you remember that little local where we used to meet up down by the gas works? I went down there with Gladys and Ethel the other day. Someone told me that it was a gay bar and we thought it would be a nice friendly place for a gay crowd like ourselves, full of folk always ready for a laugh and a song. But it wasn't! You would not believe the sights that we saw! It was terrible. Fashion gone mad, and some of those little old ladies had such bad figures, and really heavy beard growth like you wouldn't believe! I almost rushed out to buy one a new tube of immac, it was that bad. And no singing at all. Not what I call a gay evening. Things are not the same anymore.

Cor- not bin buskin for years. Maybe they would pay us just to move on! I heard your voice ain't as good as it woz. My playing is as perfect as when I first started all them years ago. Not that I'm braggin', dear, but you've eiver got it or you 'aven't! Do you remember Iva Biggun? Some Russian lad come off the boats. Saw 'is daughter last week. She 'ad a beard to make Father Christmas jealous. More than one tube of the old cream for her, I can tell you. Strange innit, wot appens when you get older? I see that big black hair in your mole there. You really ought to do summink about it. Spoils your looks darlin'. The builders 'ad some of that polycell stuff left. Slapped it on me face last night, now me cheeks are as stiff as a board. Not a wrinkle in sight though. Go off and get yourself a box or two.

Cor them shops were busy. No-ones got time for old folk nowadays. I can't 'elp it if I can't move me cheeks to speak proper. Some young thing at the till. Couldn't 've been more than five years old. Standin' there tutting and blowing gum all over 'er mouf. Bubble gum! Now what sort of stuff is that? I got so cross once with Mr C-B. 'E used it to fix the curtain rails up. Went to pull 'em shut and the whole lot came crashing down round me ears. Gawd sake- men eh?

Need a good long drink after that. I'm off to sip a cuppa panad (!!!) through a straw.
Bye luvvy.

Hah! That's a good one! Your voice perfect? That's why we used to get thrown out of the Purple Camel every Friday was it? The barman used to complain bitterly about the row that YOU made, my dear as I recall. And it was you that they cast as Florence Foster Jenkins when you did the audition that time. Ha ha. You thought it was a great compliment getting the main part. But anyways dear nice to hear that you and your house are back in order. As to my hairy mole I think that you are confusing me with some other old duck! I am still young and beautiful and often get asked my age when I get bus trips to town. They don't believe that I am old enough to draw my pension yet. By the way, I hear that Old Dilys was complaining again about those copies of People's Friend that you borrowed and then sold at that boot sale that time. Give her a box of toffees, that'll keep her happy and silent for ages.
You coming to the over eighty's choir this week?

Hey everyone. If you lot are not in bed with your teeth out and your curlers in yet there is a great party going on outside of the cafe. See you there. Adeline.

It's dark... no need to put me teeth back in is there?
I'll jusht sit and suck on a nice piece of treacle toffee...

Stick anuvver toffee in lovey. I heard you at the do last night. Call that singin'? I could fink of uvver ways of describin' it but I'm far too polite to say it on 'ere. Gawd what a racket them banger fings make. 'Ad to laff though wen you got chased by that caffrin weel fing that went flyin' off the fence post! Aven't sin ya move so fast since old Plod caught ya nickin from Woolies!!

Woz that a sausage I see 'angin out ya mouf too? You ain't got no etecket 'ave ya? And that sauce all dahn ya front. Know what to get you for Christmas ay? That Muvvercare do some lovely bibs nowadays. My old man was partial to a banger or two on a Satday night. All drippin' wiv vinegar. Mind you, wen 'e lost all 'is teef it were like watching that Gurneying malarkey. Put me off me saveloy it did.

'Ere Addy- you could win a gurneying contest wivout even tryin'!! hehehe. Never mind luv. We all lose our looks eventually- those that 'ad any to start wiv that is! Hehehe.

Ah- am I bein' wicked to ya? Not really. I woz never one to keep quiet. If summink needed to be said- I said it. My old mum used ta say "Ya got a tongue in yer 'ead, Liddy." Gawd rest 'er. Me dear old mum. Oh I do miss 'er. (Where'd I put them tissues? Ah, there's the cat. 'E'll do to wipe me face on).

Best get on dears. Gotta clean me windows. 'Aven't done 'em since I blew the place up. Just wiped a bit so I can see out. Looks like one of them window fings yer see on boats.
See you at the next do
Love liddy x

Watcha Lidd. How are you this frosty evening? I've got me fur lined boots on, three thermal vests and one of those new shell suit things under my dress. And me fingers were so cold that I cut some holes in a pair of socks to wear on my hands. Didn't see you at the over eighties' choir practice last week. Were you ill Dear, or just too bloomin' lazy to go? I did a wonderful rendition of "Rose of England" but I changed it to "Rose of Bangor" and the conductor kept givin. me some very odd sideways glances. I think he fancies me!
I don't think that you trying to clean your windows with your cat was a very good idea. They look worse than before. Just use 'im for takin' your polyfilla make up off Dear!
Saw you 'aving a flirt with ol' Bert at the firework do last evening! Noticed the two of you leavin' early! Tut tut. Askin' 'im 'ome to see your sparklers!
You still playing that old 'armonium at that church? Ours 'had mice so we 'ad it removed. Got one of those new keyboard thingys now. It isn't at all bad. It even has an 'armonium on it. See you at the Purple Camel one of these days. Addy.

Cor- I got an image in me 'ead now givin' me right old nightmares. Fancy you in one of them shell suit fings. They are so NOT FASHIONABLE! All shiny and slidy too- mind all that nylon dear, you'll spontaneously combust. There'll be nuffin left but your old slippers. I would go to the over 80s club, but I aint OVER 80! Cor you got a cheek you 'ave. That conductor needs 'is eyes testin'.
I told old Bert to be more discreet. Cheeky devil chased me round the parlour! "Let me see ya sparklers, Liddy" 'e kept sayin'. Ain't no one seen me sparklers since the old man.
I don't fink I'll be lowerin' me standards by goin' to the Purple Camel. There's a new music hall opened near me and we sing all the good stuff. I can get me old clobber out too and dress up like in the old days. I played for 'em the uvver day. Only fing is, I woz playin' one tune and they were singin' anuvver. Cor- old people today. Wots the matter wiv 'em?

Me 'ouse looks good now. All shiny an' new. I stuck me old dead guinea pig on the end of a stick and 'e worked a treat as a duster. Annuver fing my old mum used to say "'Ang on to things, Liddy. You never know when you'll find a use for 'em". Good advice, I would say. I woulda bin stuck wivout no dusters- and the old man lyin' in front of the door keeps them drafts out too. People come 'ere sayin' I'm odd. Can't fink why.

Ah well. Gettin' me tunes ready for the music hall tonight. If you're free, come along. Go anywhere near Bert though and there'll be trouble. And for gawd sake ditch the shell suit- you'll be a laffin' stock.

Lotsa love Liddy x

I really fancy a night at the music hall so I'll be there, and I'll keep well out of old Bert's way, don't you worry. He's all yours Dear! You saw 'im first. Mind, some of the sights you see in town these days! I don't know. And you've never got your catapult with you when you need it most. I took your advice on the shell suit and have decided to keep it for best. I know how jealous you can be when I end up with the best looking ones because of my fantastic dress sense. I'll be wearing my leggins and wellies under my woollies and a nice old fox fur 'round my neck to protect my voice.
That nice lady, Katyjay, told me to look after my beautiful voice.....She's been givin' me some lessons you know. I'm going to take some more exams soon. That'll show you!
Lend us your guineapig stick thing when you are passing next. I've got a bit of a problem with my drains.
See you tonight Lidd, old Bean. I hope they do Daisy, Daisy. It will remind me of what's her name......you know.....Daisy!

'Ello dear
Well what can I say? Poor Katyjay has 'er work cut out I can tell you. Why d'ya need to sing an octave above every one else? That bright orange woolly was enough to let every one know you were there. Ya looked like one of them light fings near a zebra crossin'. Attention seekin' I call it.` Talk about soundin' like Hilda Ogden. And ya coulda taken the curlers out ya 'air before ya came out. Bert says "Who's that sight for sore eyes then?" I says "Bert, your eyes must be very sore indeed if ya fancy THAT".
At least ya got rid of that shell fing. Keepin' it for best? Where d'ya go to wear summink like that for BEST!? I must say my playing far outshines your "singin'". Katyjay should be awarded a medal when she's finished wiv ya. Good job 'alf the people there were mutton jeff eh? I fink it best if ya stick to the Purple Camel luvvy.

Use my guinea pig for ya drains? Ya better give it a good clean before you give it back. Strewth- can ya imagine what I'd be smearin' on me chippendale commode? Mind boggles. Loadsa panad leaves and leeky soup stuff.

I've started me Christmas shoppin'. Not that I need to get much. Me boy Philma Coal-Bunker wants a new barbie doll. Oh I do worry about that boy. At 52 you think 'e'd of grown out of that by now wouldn't ya? Bert says 'e wants to pull me cracker on Christmas mornin'. I tell ya- if 'e lays one finga on me 'e'll be singin' castrato. Still, 'e could stand next to you in the choir and no-one would know would they?
The price of cards these days. Fank gawd for that tippy stuff. I just slap it on and write the new name on. Bin sending the same cards for the last thirty years! Not that I'm mean or anyfing.

Take care me old darlin'
Liddy xx

Well Lidd. You are so rude about my wonderful singing voice. I know that it is just jealousy on your part but you have to respect the opinions of others. I was at Bryn Terfel's the other week 'aving a spot of leek soup and a jamming session when he suddenly remarked on what an exceptional voice I had. So there! And at my last lesson with Katyjay she said that I had a voice that should be heard by all because of its great beauty and resonance! And she didn't mean for calling to the sheepdog either!
As to my shell suit I am keeping it for my next visit to the opera. It will look lovely with my pound shop pearls and my Oxfam beaded handbag. I might invite you if you promise not to bring Bert.
Thanks for the use of yer guineapig duster. It cleared my blockage wonderfully. I put it into the baby burco for a few hours and it came up a treat. I am not sure that I did right in puttin' it through the mangle though. It looks a bit flatter that when you gave it to me but it'll make a great brush for cleaning behind those new radiator thingies of yours.
I saw one of your old Christmas cards on that Antiques Roadshow programmes a while back. It would have been really worth something if you hadn't put tippex all over it. Not many cards surviving from the Boer War.
When your Philma were born everyone told you to give him a proper name like Albert or Oliphant. But no! You knew best, as always. Your Mr. C-B wanted to call 'im Mary as I recall.
Off to do some shopping of me own now Dear. The pound shop has an offer on Easter cards so I shall send them to me friends this festivity.
Bye for now Lidd, Adeline.

A shell suit! A SHELL SUIT!!!!!!!! That's a bit modern for an old lady. Next thing, you'll be saying you like the Bay City Rollers, or that young man with the white teeth, Ronny Dosmond.
Great Aunt May.

I told 'er shell suits are so yesterday, but does she listen? nah! Who are you anyway? Ain't sin you around 'ere before. Great Aunt May eh? Great in what way? Fer gawd sake don't be anuvver "singer". There's too many a them already. You keep away from my Bert an' all!

'Ere Addy- you sure you bin to Bryn Terfel and not that Meat Puddin' bloke people mix 'im up wiv? Beauty and resonance? I fink Katyjay was describing Wales not you dear. Shell suits and pearls- you know 'ow to dress up for the town right enuff.

Ugh! Me poor old guinea pig. Can't lend you nuffin' can I? Gonna 'ave ta use me old drawers again til the cat pegs it. I'm busy makin' me baubles for the Christmas tree. I saved all the mice the cat bought in and put 'em in the freezer. Their nice an' 'ard now to spray with that glitter stuff. Will look lovely 'angin' off the tree. 'Ere- I've just 'ad a thought! I could use two of 'em ta make ya a pair of earrings! Go lovely with the pearls and shell suit! Be back in a minute. I'll do 'em right now for ya. D'ya fancy a pair May?

There ya go Addy- a nice red glittery pair fa you and a silver glittery pair fa you May. All your friends (assumin' you 'ave any) will be so jealous! Keep 'em in the freezer til Christmas though as they might get a bit wiffy when they defrost! No- just the earrings Addy not yer 'ead an' all. Gawd, it's 'ard work sometimes......

Eeee - all this talk of clothes makes me woonder......what shall I wear for me concert next week. I'm playin't th'organ in aid a't New Organ Fund.

Sumthin glittery or shall I go reefained and wear me little black cocktail number. On second thoughts, no. Last time I wore that somone said "would ya like a cocktail Dilys" and I said.........no, better keep that ta meself on second thoughts!

Anyway, what shall I play next Wednesday. I thought a nice selection of World War One Songs in the style of Reginald Dixon might go down a treat. Followed by a pot pourri of Rogers and Hammersmith

(sings to herself - "I'm gonna wash that mayan right out of my hair"........"Ballet Ho"..........."Sam and Janet Evening")

Any requests?

No seriously, me friend Diaper Son IS really giving a concert next week....really. I bet ee'll be wearin' somethin glittery, he'll af ta cos he's not borrowing me black cocktail number......again

Well, well! Dilys and May. Haven't seen you two for ages. I thought you'd died but Liddy said you 'adn't as she could not remember 'aving been to your funerals so you probably 'adn't. She does ramble on so. Its her age you knows. She's knocking on ninety but she won't admit to it.
Thanks for the earrings Liddy. Not quite a matched pair but probably second cousins at least. I've popped them into the ice tray until Christmas. They'll look lovely with my fox fur stole. I'm knitting you presents but they will be a surprise. Bit of a surprise for me too as I've lost the front page of me pattern!
And what's that about the Colwyn Bay roller skating rink May? I haven't been there in years. Not since ole Rosie had that accident with the vicar!
As to requests Dilys, I have one. Can you play for me next concert at the gas works social? I'm doing a medley of my favourite songs from the News Chronicle Community songbook. If you wear something a bit less gaudy than that cocktail black sparkly thingy you won't distract the audience from me in my shell suit. I's put some rows of ric rac and some upholstery braid on it to brighten it up a little after all those comments about it. It looks brilliant now. My pal Bryn will love it. And no, Lidd, it was not that Beef burger person. I know a real Bryn when I see one so there.

Ok luv, yer on!

I've got one a them booooks in a luvely brown cover. Bought mine secondhand. Yours was new I expect.

Do ya sing in't original keys, or do ya want transpiring?

Thank you Dilly. Yes, my book was new but I look after my things too. Never throw anything away you know. Not like that Liddy! She 's always trying to get rid of her stuff. She tried to sell her old bra on Ebay a few weeks ago. Put it in the vintage clothes section she did. That buyer must have been distraught when it arrived. Can you imagine? No, on second thoughts, don't even try Dear.
I do sing in the original keys usually but if they go below middle C you will need to edit them up a bit. My bottom's not what it used to be. Lost its tone a bit these days. My top notes are still fantastic though. I always like to do Rule Britannia for my big finish.
We must arrange a practice soon. The gas works do is important in our social calender. We need to put on a good show Dear. It will make old Lidd and Great May green with envy. Bye for now, Adeline.

I'm on the case, dear - as we speak!!

I've rubbed a goodly dose of "I Believe" into me old fingers, and I'm runnin' up those keys like greased lightening.

Just an idea. I've got an old bra wi't Union Jack on't cups - from me days as a Kiss-a-Gran girl. Yer can borra that for't finale if ya like.

(looks in wardrobe) I've got matching corselette somewhere..........

Fank gawd!! Someone wiv a bi' a brains I can talk to! Good ta see you uvver old girls around. Woz beginning to fink you'd all gorn to the great music 'all in the sky. Mind you, 'ow I'll keep you from pawing my old Bert wen ya see 'im is anyones guess. I've 'eard you're all pretty desperate wen it comes ta men. I'll 'ave ta make sure me boys are around to 'elp their old mum. I'll bribe Philma wiv a new set of barbie dolls. That'll do the trick. My Arfurs a true man though so watch 'im. Built like a ...... well, you know what I mean.

Sounds like we could 'ave a right old knees up now you lot are around agen. Me old knees ain't wot they were so be gentle. Got that cod liver oil stuff from the chemist. Cor it's 'orrible! Use it ta cook me chips in instead. Got some baby oil for the baff an' all. Woz slidin' around like that Orville and Bean pair. "Let me 'elp ya Liddy" Bert kept on. Then 'e fell in the baff and that woz it! Bof of us like a pair of eels. Took a week ta get us out.

That Addys got a nerve. Goin' on about my braziers. 'Ers are big enough ta do a fortnights shoppin' in. That's the last time I make 'er a pair of earrings. Union Jack? 'Ers could have every flag of the world printed on'em wiv room for more. Dunno wots come over me. I never used ta be this snidey. That Addy brings the worst outa me. Sorry ladies. Still, good of 'er to knit me summink for Christmas. Though if she don't know wot it is, 'ow am I supposed to? We'll 'old a "Guess wot it is" contest.

I've got three mice left. If anyone wants earrings speak now. First come, first served. No, Dilly, you don't need ta chop an ear off for the spare earring. When the cat gets annuver mouse, I'll make it into a pair for ya, love. Spoke too soon about the brains.

I'm off for a cuppa tea.
Bye girls xxxx

Thanks for that idea Lidd. Using my super double D cups for my trip to Tesco's. Talk about bags for life! They were great. I did all of my shopping and didn't have to use any of their nasty plasticy ones. The knitting is going well. It has three arm holes so far and I've just got to the cable bit on the front, I think.
I you've got any more of those glittler frozen mice things going I could use another as a designer tab on my handbag. Its all the rage now you know. If you write Prada on it in felt tip no one will be any the wiser. None of your tippex though.
X Addy.

Adeline Nuffield-Owen. (aka Addy Nuff Now.)