Addy Nuff! I saw your bruvver last week- Noddy Nuff.
Can't wait ta see this article you're knittin'. Dunno 'ow many arms ya think I've got. Course you can 'ave a mouse dear. Started a right old fashion trend aven' I? Will put Prada in nice glittery letters for ya, hen.

Maybe the young'uns in them marchin' bands could teach us 'ow they do it. Don't want you behind me though, if your playin' the trombone. That slidy fing could end up in some very nasty places.

You comin' to the music 'all again tonight? Look forward ta seein' ya.
Bye luvvy xx

Coming to the Music Hall? You bet your sweet donkey I am, as my brother used to say. I cannot think why. He was always a bit odd, so unlike the rest of the family.If you saw him last week though you must have been dreaming 'cause he died back in the big leek shortage of '67. Maybe it was a relation. He had quite a few of them after his spell on the milk round.
You did not know that Owen is changed to Now in these parts did you!
I still don't know why you 'ad to land poor Philma with that name though. Oliphant would 'ave suited 'im far better.
You going to invite Great May and Dill as well? Not much good as singers since they decided to go without their corsets but usually up for a laugh. (At us usually Dear.) See you this evening. Addy

Mornin' dears

"bet your sweet donkey" What quaint sayins you 'ave in the backwoods of Wales, Addy luv. Come over all queer I did wen you said old Noddy woz gorn. Musta bin one of 'is milkbottles I saw then. Dead spit of your bruvver 'e woz. Same name an' everyfink. I 'ad ta sit dahn a bit quick. Trouble is, I didn' know the cat were in the chair. Shame eh? Poor fing dead as a YoYo. Still, got me new duster now so no need ta get the old guinea pig back ta me. Ya can keep it as a reminder of ya best friend, Liddy!

Well, ya did yaself proud last night. Never 'eard singin' like it. That Katys doin' a good job on ya. Or woz ya mimin' ta one of them disc fings? Woulda bin a laff if the needle got stuck Dilly an' May never come did they? Can't rely on them two. See they disappeared agen. No stayin' power, eh Addy? Or maybe they passed over. I need ta go to a good funeral. Bin ages since I bin ta one. Bin sneekin' inta weddins instead. Some of the outfits ya see nowadays. Gawd- and nobody wears 'ats anymore do they? I love a good big 'at on me 'ead. Makes me feel all ladylike an' smart. Maybe I could use the cat as an 'at!! Keep me bald patch warm! You'll need a bloomin' great tiger on yer 'ead ta cover your bald patch

See ya later luvvy. Gonna spray the cat with glitter now.
Mind 'ow ya go on them old pins, dear. xx

Bore da Lidd. Yes I was very pleased with my singing last night. I don't think those folk at the music hall have heard Largo al Factotum sung to the tune of The Old Bull and Bush before. Shame about yer old Tiddles too. Fancy sitting on 'im like that. Are you sure that he's really pegged it though? He has a few lives left in 'im yet and might just be in one of those korma things, like my chickens get. Sometimes they sleep for days and then get up right as rain.
I still wear my hats at every opportunity. My favourite one with the cherries and ferrets on is past looking nice now though so I just use it to cover my victoria sponges and I wear the tea cosy instead. Have you 'ad a new one or was it a pair of that Bert's Y fronts that you had on your head last night? I don't think it did you any favours Dear. (And you were complaining about my shell suit not being fashionable!)
Do you fancy a duet next time? If we double up on parts a bit we could do that nice quartet from Rigoletto. I was not too impressed with your version of Oh You've Got a Lovely Bottom Set of Teeff last evening I must admit. I realise now why we used to have problems at the Purple Camel.
By the way my knitting has got five armholes and a long bit at the back. I still don't know what it is yet though, but it is the thought that matters. X Addy.

Aah Dear Addy!! You've 'ad me in stitches I fought I woz bein' so clever tryin' to disguise Berts old Y-fronts, but they musta stuck out like a saw ######! Would love ta do a duet wiv ya darlin' You 'um it I'll play it! Reminds me of them monkey tea ads on the telly. They used my free kids for them when they was youngsters. Philma looked a treat in 'is little dress. Maybe that's why he's a bit....er....odd. Is it too late to Sue d'ya reckon?
What on earth are ya knittin' me, love? Mind boggles. Still, p'raps me an' Bert can snuggle up in it during the cold nights. Me cat woke up while I sprayed 'im. Looks daft now wiv a great silver streak dahn 'is back. Won't let me wash it off though. There's a cat show near 'ere next week so I'll enter 'im in the "Not Sure What Breed" section. Could win me a fortune, then I can come an' stay wiv ya for a while. You'd like that wouldn' ya dear! Must dig out me old suitcase. Hey- fink I'll come up there anyway. Stick kettle on. I'll be there in a jiffy.

Liddyxx

PS Who you callin' a Bore?

I will bung the kettle on now. How long will it take you to walk here Lidd? I will send the old horse for you if you like. He's dead quiet. Just climb aboard and tell 'im "Home Boyo" and you'll be here in no time. I don't think that it is a good idea at all to change Philma's name to Sue! He's fine as he is. He did a lovely job of those flowers for old Ermie's fifth wedding that time.
I'll make some leek pie and apple cakes. You can have the pie and the horse can have the apple cakes. He'll need it after carryin' you and all those hats. Addy (Nuffield-Owen)

Almost there luvvy! Don't take me long ta get goin' So Bert says Lookin' forward ta 'avin' a leek wiv ya. Got anyfin' for me corns? Throbbin' like a goodun after all that walkin'.

See you in a minute.

I've an old bottle of Calpol at the back of the larder. You can try rubbing some of that on them when you arrive. The leek soup looked a bit thin and watery so I've added some gravy browning powder stuff and a tin of pilchards to it. There's welsh cakes for afters too. The vicar is due to call later so you make sure that you mind your language infront of him. None of your "gawds" when he's here please. And no burping either. I know how bad your wind can be after a walk! I hope you left that Bert at home. I don't want him chasing me around the garden when I go to the privvy. I'll put my new pinny on for you. I spilt red ink down the other one when I was writing to the council about the proposed new pub in our village. Gawd Heavens! We have three chapels and seven pubs here already and we only have a population of ninety. What do they want another one for! A nice bingo hall would be nicer. Kettle's ready when you are Liddy.

There you are! Bin bangin' on your door for the past 'alf hour. Gawd (oops sorry) let me kick me shoes off. Me corns are givin' me jip. Nice place you got 'ere Addy. Could do with a tidy up though if ya don't mind me sayin' . I fought cave paintin's went out years ago. Talkin' of which, I saw Nan DeTall last week. Or are ya gonna be clever and say she's dead an' all? Ooooh gives us a cuppa panad Addy before I dies of de eye dration. Fancy all them pubs and chapels in one place. Still, gives ya more scope wen ya get banned from 'em I s'ppose.

'Ere, I ain't gonna wake up in the mornin' wiv the 'orse in me bed am I?

Sorry Lidd. I thought it was the cart horse from the next farm having a gallop about. I didn't realise it was you making all that noise.Here, have a paned. I've put eight and a half sugars in, as you like it. Mind the mug though. It's my best Argos. I know that old Nan De Tall isn't dead 'cause I saw her today on the fridge television. She was talking about nuns I think.
I've not been banned from any of our chapels since ages so don't be so presumptive our Lidd.
And, no, you won't wake up with the horse in your bed. He always has the downstairs parlour when its cold. What do you think I am. Horses climibng the stairs indeed. Welsh cake or another slice of soup Dear?

'ave you got one of 'em new wotsits for going on ya head? they're called 'ats they are. WHo thought of a name like that then?

Ay Liddy. Whose this old duck? I haven't seen her around these parts before. Is she with you?

a don' know wha' a biscuit is

Ay Liddy love, do you think that we should report her as lost? She says that her name's Mildred and that it's 1976. What do you think? Get her adopted or what? By the way, do you want a panad and some cold dripping toast for your breakfast?

a haven' go' any fingers!

Ay you have dear. It's those things on the ends of your hands that you are picking your nose with. LIDDY, OVER HERE QUICK!

Eeeeeeeeeee!

I've just bin t't supermarket and come back with dreadful wind.

Me knicker legs av been shown't t't world what wi't wind whippin' up under me skirt. It were either that or the old geezer at the bus stop.

I don't suppose anyone wants a cuppa soup - 'am n green pea..........which reminds me, back in a minute........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

That's better, now where was I - going to put the cat on and the kettle out

I've got a nice new packet of them Digressive Biskits and some Oil Grey tea, so I'll be cosy by't fire if anyone comes a-callin'.................not that they do now......................not for a long time....................
............................................must get a new bulb for that lamp.............................zzzzzzz................
.............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...................................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ay Liddy. That Mildred and her friend have been asleep for hours! Shall we try to wake them up again, or just leave them outside for the bin men?
Great evening last night! I haven't laughed so much in ages. Fancy our vicar knowing your Bert. Was it through his work as prison Chaplin Dear?
You must visit again if you are not so cheeky about the mess next time. Or perhaps it would be my turn to visit you. I know that your cooking is not up to much but we could get one of those have it away meals that are all the go now. I have always liked a bit of foreign muck from time to time.
My knitting's almost done now Lidd. Those holes weren't armholes after all, it was just where I kept dropping stitches. I will darn them all together again before Christmas though. Don't you worry. I am a bit short of wool for the last few rows so I am going to unravel the pan scourer. That will add a bit more sparkle to it.
Just off to add some bits from the fly paper to my garibaldi biscuit mix for the church fete on Tuesday. Come if you can. X Addy

Bore dad! Thank you for your gracious hospitality over the weekend, Addy dear. 'Ad a ripe old time. The vicar knew my Bert from when 'e was an alter boy and not prison, as well you know. That woz annuver vicar in prison. Woz 'ard work mindin' me p's and q's. Gave meself a right old 'eadache. Course you can come an' stay wiv me, darlin'. I'll get rid of Bert and we can 'ave a girlie weekend swappin' knittin' and Gary Baldy biscuits. Mind where ya put the stitches wiv the scouring pad!

No idea who these uvver ladies are. That one wiv the wind though! Dear me. I see on the news the uvver day they are blamin' all the cows for global warmin'. They got too much wind from eatin' all the time. Sounds like that one we 'ad wiv us at the weekend ay? Didn't need to light a match near 'er. Woulda blown us all sky 'igh! That one pickin' 'er nose an' all. No manners some people. Did ya like me 'at? 'Ow woz I to know it woz a real birds nest? All them chicks singin' and squawkin' gave me a real turn.

We 'ad a laff practisin' our marchin' though, didn' we? Shame ya don't know ya right from left. Good job we woz there to fish you out the river. 'Ope we get it sorted for our first bookin'. Could do wiv more people too really. You, me the 'orse and the windy one. Not much of a band at the moment eh? Some instruments would 'elp an' all. That poor dog will never be the same again.

Ah well, back to reality. Fell over Berts dirty socks and vests as soon as I walked in me door. Gotta put the old washer on dear. Speak later.
Ta everso for the weekend
Love Liddy xx


Love Liddy xx

A' think I'm A duck!

Bore da our Liddy. Your Welsh has come on a treat after the weekend. Don't be using those words that the window cleaner taught you though Dear. They did not mean "How kind of you to let me come" at all. Gor, that old duck Mildew, thinks that she is a duck now! Shall we just drop her off at the day centre and run? O, forgot. Neither of us can run much anymore can we Dear. Let's just march away as fast as we can.
Yes, we do need some instruments. That old radiator was too heavy to maybe a good accordion. That's why I fell into the river, not because I turned the wrong way. The horse did well though. Perhaps we could stick some big drums on him and get someone to dress up as the Queen to sit on him and play then?
Do you think that we could get one of those lottery grant things to set up our marching troupe? We could afford some kazoos then, and a wind up gramophone, and a trolley to put it on and then you could go at the back of the line and pull it along on a string.
I wasn't at all sure about your hat, Lidd. I thought you might be wearing it as a dare so I didn't say anything at the time. I hope that you have put it back into the hedge where you found it by now, otherwise you'll be at those chicks with your glitter spray too.
I heard that you and Bert had split up after the mess that he made with his party when you were away. What will you do now? With your looks you won't get much of a chance at finding another boy pensioner friend to take his place.
Got to go now Lidd. I've got to stir up my puddings for Christmas. I promised one to that MrB fellow. He's been lurking around with his mistletoe all morning. X Hwyl, Adeline

Yukky da, our Addy! Yep- Bert got the boot! Couldn't believe the mess when I got in. "I 'ad a few of the boys round, Liddy" 'e says. "BOYS- BOYS!!" I says "There's not one of you under 80!" Lummy! 'Ow old do men 'ave ta be before they grows up? Poor old Milly. I fought she woz losin' 'er marbles. Thinks she's a duck ay? I'll make no jokes about orange sauce, cos it might get 'er gander up! Cackle cackle!
Cor you got a right 'andsome window cleaner, lovey. Nearly kidnapped 'im I did. 'E can sing to me any day of the week. Yes, I see Mrb on about the mistletoe. 'Ow good of ya to suggest my birfday, darlin'. You a true friend, you are straight. Mind you, you get anywhere near the front of the queue and you'll be wearin' that radiator.
Would be good ta get some Lotty money for our band. Ya need to put a big L and R on your 'ands then you'll know for next time. Dunno about dressin' up as the Queen. I saw you in the paper yesterday wiv ya wooly 'at on. They tried to say you woz Joanna Plumley or summink, but I'm no fool. I could see it woz you. You tryin' to get on the telly luvvy?
'Ere- what about that young wippersnapper writin' on 'ere tellin' us we all stoopid? "I'm Leavin'". "I'm Back" "I'm Leavin again" "I'm back again" Gawd she's makin' me 'ead spin! 'As she gone or wot? She's like one of them boombang fings from dahn under.
Save me one of ya puds for when ya came and stay. You can 'ave Philmas old room. No need ta bring any clothes, as there's plenty 'ere 'e left behind. I notice ya gettin' a bit fick round the middle, if ya don't mind me sayin'. Might need to lose a pound or two before you get 'ere.
Take care sweety
Liddy xx

Uhm ... I hope you won't mind me asking this here, but I don't know where else to turn and it seems appropriate to ask the OLTVA. It's about foil. Tin foil.

Shiny side out or shiny side in? 'Out' looks prettier but 'in' seems more logical (let the heat in through the dull side and keep it in with the shiny side. But I've been told to use it the other way around, and that it doesn't matter. But if it doesn't matter, why have two different sides?

And if it does matter, what is one supposed to do when the recipe calls for a double layer of foil as, for example, in Delia's hommage to baked salmon (with caper sauce)?

b

ah y' need t' chop it up an' stick it in t' oven for twen'y minutes, add milk and send first class t' leicster. 'ats wha' I was told anyway

My dear Liddy, no I haven't passed on Just been a little bit busy with the grand children Little angels.
Adeline, I hope you are using Delia's recipe for your puddings dear. Plenty of brandy, or sherry if the pension won't stretch to it.
As my dear Mama always said, a pud in the mouth is worth two in the pantry. Stir up Sunday is the last Sunday in November dears, so that's when you should be doing the stirring.
Great Aunt May.

Ay Lidd, that Great May is back, and she's been telling me that I have got to wait a while before getting my puddings done. What she doesn't know is that I always make my puddings on Marrow Sunday. That's the one when we have our harvest festival, and there's always a marrow and they always give it to me when they are doling out the left overs kindly donated offerings. I use my great aunt Gladys's recipe. Always have done. It's tons better than that young Delia's one. These young cooks......think their ways are the best ways! We could tell them a few things, eh Liddy.
And as to that Barry and his tin foil. Did no one tell him that tin foil is extinct now Dear? Its all that aloooominum stuff now. And it doesn't make a hoot of difference if it goes shiny side in or out. It all comes out just as burnt beautifully cooked. I always put the shiny side inside as things don't tend to stick to it so much. Do you think you could gift wrap some more of those glitter mice in it Lidd? We could sell them in the Farmers' Market on the weekend.
My old Mam never said anything about a pud in the pantry! What was that all about Liddy? She did say one or two wise things. A bird in the hand makes a horrible mess, and no smoke without fags were two that spring to mind as I write.
Off to do my natural horn practice now Liddy. They had a special offer on them at Tesco's the other week so I stole bought one. I am thinking of taking my grade one challenge on it except that I'm a bit too good for grade one as I have been at it for three weeks now. It's coming on a treat. I can do that post horn gallop really well now. I'll bring it when I come to stay. Addy (Nuffield Owen)

'Ello Addy darlin' When you comin' to stay then? I'm gettin' right depressed. It's quiet 'ere wivout Bert. I'm finking of gettin' 'im back just to give me somethin' to stare at durin' the long winter months. It's alright for you- you 'ave ya 'orse to speak to. Now they gone an' given me five boxes. Bet it's your fault- you a bad influence on me so you are. Now every ones pushin' in on the mistleto line. Them fellas will be worn out by the time I get to the front. You'd think they'd say "Age before beauty" or summink wouldn't ya? I feel the end is nigh, Addy dear.
On a brighter note, me daughter Indie Coal- Bunker is expectin' a baby Bunker! That's good innit? Dunno 'ow it 'appened though. Didn't even know she were wiv a bloke. She reckons she's 'avin' a boy and is gonna shorten 'er name to Coal. Says if he's born at Christmas, she's gonna call 'im Noel Coal. Poor kid eh?
Good ta see old May back innit? And a fella writin' on 'ere!! Cor, we gettin' 'em all now. Me old mum used to say "Keep the shiny side up, Lidd". Did ya mention Ally Minium? Haven't sin 'im for ages. Got a few mice left. I'll send 'em on to ya. I wondered if that Mrb Bloke wanted any for that ifsy girl, but 'e ain't asked for none, so she's missed out there. Could've started a global empire of glittery mice. Never mind eh?
Post horn gallop? You chasin' after the postman again? Watch that old ticker of yours love. Lookin' forward to seein' your horn dear.

Take care lovey
Liddy xx

Bore da Liddy. Sut ydach chi y bore 'ma? (Aye, that is the right way to ask how you are Dear. Not another of those phrases that my window cleaner tried to teach you to say in front of our vicar.
I'll come over this afternoon if that's all right with you Lidd. I can't have you talking to yourself can I? It's one thing me talking to the horse but another thing you wanting old Bert back because you have nothing to look at. I'll get some more of those Lady magazines from Bertha on my way and you can look at them instead. She always hoards them for a rainy day you know. I'll do a swap with some of my fly biscuits. She likes them.
Lovely news about your Indie and the babby. I am not sure about that name though. If she won't even consider Oliphant as a name what about loosing the Coal bit and keeping the Bunker? Then she could call him something classy, like Becker Bunker.
I'll pack my horn and then we can take it to the tavern at the next folk evening. I can do some of a Mozart concerto on it now too. That'll get the feet tapping there.
And I was not chasing the postman Liddy. He just calls in for a panad and a chat before going back to the village, that's all. I reckon that Barry person is after you though. Pretending to want to know about tin foil indeed! And him being one of those psycho thingies too. He could at least have asked if you needed therapy for your problems Dear. On second thoughts perhaps he doesn't have that long, or maybe he thinks that you don't. These smiley things are great fun aren't they. Our Ned showed me how to do them when I was writing to the local MP about the smell.
See you later Liddy. Just off to get my brolley. I'll put the horse in the garden shed when I arrive if that's fine with you. I hope you have moved all of those empty bottles by now. I don't want him to hurt himself on any broken glass. Hwyl for now, Addy.

Oooh not that lingo again. Still, will be good ta see you darlin'. The shed is clear right enough. Bring the old nag wiv ya and we can both hitch a ride to the music hall tonight. Bring summink posh to wear so you don't show me up. My Philma left a paisley number behind, which will suit your colouring as it's all red and blotchy.
Ya reckon that psycho bloke fancies me? Won't be able to 'ave a shower wivout hidin' the knives, then will I? Speaking of which- 'ave you never noticed 'ow that smell you keep on about follows you around everywhere? I'm just tellin' you as a friend, dear. When you get 'ere you can 'ave a look at me Avon book. They do a lovely range of bubble baff and deodorant stuff.
If your window cleaners got nuffin' better to do, you can bring 'im wiv you. You won't mind bein' a gooseberry for a day or two will ya?
Yeah, I like these smiley face fings too. Trouble is, I fink I use too many of 'em What do you reckon? I suppose I'll get annuver blue box now
I'll put the kettle on for your cuppa panandle tea fing.
Hyywwll or summink like that
Liddy xx

Watcha Liddy me old bean. I've put the horse in your shed. He should be warm and cozy there. Thanks for putting your old feather bed down for him. He isn't as young as he was and he likes his comfort.
Get your kettle on and we'll have a brew. I don't know what you were implying about me smelling Liddy. I have a top and tail every month without fail, whether I need it or not. And I've got this new perfume from the telly too. It's called Falling in Love so there. I'll tell you something else too. It works as well. Have you seen that queue of men outside of my house recently? That MrB and his mistletoe were there, and the vicar, the window cleaner, the postman and your Bert and most of his mates not to mention your Philma. (Well, we won't mention him Dear) and your Barry Thingy fellow. I had to phone the dog warden!
You don't get blue boxes for being good our Liddy. You get black ones or something for swearing and being rude to folk. How we have kept ours blue is a mystery to me though. Shall we put the washing machine on dear? There is often something worth watching on in the afternoons.
Then maybe we should have a quick run through our numbers for the music hall this evening. I don't think that your rendition of "I was holding my coconut" was very nice, especially after you edited the words Dear. Perhaps we should stick to our old favourites. I'll do "Under the Bed" and you can have "Barnacle Bill, The Sailor". Now make us a panad before I dry up all together. Addy.

You 'ere at last Addy. Takes ya time don't ya? Poor old nag. Mrb's dead donkey's in better health than that poor old fing. Falling in Love? You got delusions of Grand Choer lovey. No wonder you attracted the dogs. must've thought you was on 'eat. I only puts the machine on when there's somefin' decent on to watch. My Indies namin' 'er boy after that fella what does the boxes. You can wait til then. 'Ope you bought plenty of 'ankies cos I heard you're prone to dribblin' these days.
Ah that old coconut song. Brings back memories "I wos holding me coconut cos he was far too shy!" And Barnacle Bill...gets a tear in me eye just finkin' about 'im. You can go under the bed, lovey. Not wiv my window cleaner though. I'll be keepin' a close eye on the both of yous.
Yes, I can see you dryin' up like an old prune. Better get that kettle on again. I made the panad at 10 o'clock this mornin'. Suppose I'll have ta make a fresh one now.
Hey- your 'orse as kicked a bloomin' great 'ole in the side of me shed! Go and sort it out while I put the tea on.

**Is it time for 'er to go 'ome yet.?**

A' Can' read

Nice to see you two are having a good time together, better than being lonely eh??
I want your advice my dears. A nice young man, but not as nice as that young man Adam in Spooks, called to see me the other day. He wants me to buy my electricity from the Gas Board What should I do ?
In anticipation
Great Aunt May.

Hello Great May. I tried to wake up our Liddy as she knows something about fuels and that sort of thing. She has had a lot of experiences with gas men in her time so she would be a good person to ask, but she's lying on the floor snoring like a grampus. I don't think that at your time of life you can afford to let an opportunity like that slip away. Ask him round again and when he comes show him your appliances. Ask him what he would do in your position Dear, but make it clear that you are no push-over. Tell him that you would like a six month free trial of his electricity to compare it with the stuff that you get already. If he won't agree to that then it is a conference trick and not worth having. As old Bert said to our Liddy the other day when she dumped him, "Stick to what you know". She still made him pack his bags though.
I hope that you enjoyed our music hall gig this evening. I thought it went very well. I'll talk again in the morning Great May. Right now I have got to wake up Lidd. I've tried kicking her couple of times but she's still fast asleep and snoring. I'll blow my natural horn down her deaf aid. That'll do it. Good night Great May and good luck with your nice young man. Addy.

My Dear Addy,
Last time the gas man came, he showed me a carbon monoxide alarm He also said that if it broke to ring the gas board, and they would get a man to come and give me one ( Really, this is true, how I kept a straight face I shall never know, he was wet behind the ears and young enough to be my son, just)
So I'll get them back then and ask for a free trial. Do you think it would be too forward of me to make a sponge cake for him?
Great Aunt May

Mornin' Addy. You still 'ere? That bloomin' 'orse of yours keepin' on all night. Then you goin' on about some old gas bag called May. How's a girl meant to get 'er sleep? What you mean I know about gas men? I 'ad one gas man in me life. Came round every Satday for 'is divvy payments. By 'e was 'andsome. George is name was. Used to call me "Georgie Girl" after some film.
If I wos you May (and fank the Good Lord I ain't. No offence intended, darlin') I would use Addy for your power. She's full of hot air, that one. Enough to power them turbine fings for the rest of your days. Don't be goin' messin' about changin' your gas people. They all full of promises and none of 'em any cheaper than the last. My Bert was right there. If yous 'appy wiv wot you got, stay wiv 'em, dear.
Well, Addy, that old nag of yours managed to take us the grand total of three yards last night. I can move faster wiv me zimmer. You can't use the window cleaner to block the 'ole in me shed forever you know. I want it fixed before you go. What we gonna do today then? Wevver ain't much so we'll 'ave to stay under cover. Your old bones don't sound so good these days. Old Arthur Ritis is it dear? Or woz 'e anuvver one of your blokes I'm finkin' of?
Did you like the music hall last night? That paisley suited you a treat. Said it would didn't I? Take it back wiv you when you go 'ome darlin'. I fought it woz a bit bad of Milly to say you reminded 'er of their old scarecrow. Mind you, nearly lost me new set of teef tryin' not to laff. Don't take no notice of 'em darlin'. It's what's underneef what counts. That reminds me, you don't really expcet me to 'ang your drawers on me line do ya? They make it go so dark round 'ere people fink we got one of them eclipse fings. Still, good to see you chose a good lot a stuff from me Avon. Keep ya smellin' nice for a day or two. You can 'ave 'em for Christmas lovey. I 'ope there's some of that mistletoe left for then. I want some for Barry PsychoThingy. I've made a nice 'at for 'im out of me old tin foil. D'you think 'e'll like it? Shiny side up!
Come on then. Move youself if we're goin' out. Can't sit drinkin' panda all day.
No you can't use the 'edgehog to brush your 'air wiv.
Liddy

Bore da May old bean. I am just waiting for Liddy to get down those stairs so we can have our breakfast together and have a gossip about last night's evening out. She is not too good in the mornings. It takes her ages to come to. I'll just write this while I wait for my panad.
I know that I may not be quite as bright in my eightieth decade as I once was but how can you tell if a carbon peroxide decective watsit is broken? I thought that they were bits of coloured card things that changed colour if your air was bad. If Liddy had one here it would be changing like a chameleon I can tell you, especially after her sprout and gherkin pate. So if it stops changing colour and you rattle your clack its too late to know that it was not working if you see what I mean May lovvy. Get the thing changed every week I say, especially if they send a nice young man around to give you one exchange it.
On a more serious note I do not advise you to make a sponge cake for him. It would be wasted on him May. Just offer him a panad and something out of your biscuit barrel. I could let you have some of my fly biscuits if you like. Don't try any of Liddy's fried things though. She's had another idea for those mice that her Tiddles keeps bring in and she's been dipping them in batter and serving them with cinnamon sugar. Earrings is one thing but frying them! You have no idea! I can hear her stomping around upstairs singing Boiled Beef and Carrots as I write so I'll just go and make a brew and some toast before she starts battering any more mice. Bye May.


Ay Liddy. I got called away to the horse before I pressed my send button and now youv'e been there first. Stick another brew on and then we'll plan our day. Addy.

You ain't drinkin' no more tea if we're goin' out. The council shut all the public loos cos of the vandals. And you talkin' about me when me backs turned. Fought you was me friend.

**Goes off howling looking to the window cleaner for comfort.**

Ay May. We've upset her now. I'll take her out for a trip to Oxfam. That'll cheer her up. We'll call in on the market on the way back too and get some left over veg from the bins for our tea. Come round if you like. We'll soon have her back on form again. Bring fudge! Addy

Nah- it's too late. I'm all upset now. Wot wiv you bein' two faced (the uvver one not bein' much better than the first) and people sayin' about dead 'amsters. I'm cryin' real tears 'ere. My old man would be cross ta see me like this. What you gonna do wiv the fudge- block the 'ole in the shed?

If you get me some white chocolate I might consider bein' ya friend agin.

Ay Liddy. Come and have a few of these white chocolate ruffle things. I phoned for a special delivery from Tesco's and a very nice man just dropped them off. I got a bale of hay for the horse too, and a bag of carrots. I've got the shed mended with a bit of a hand from the fellow next door so come and have a cup of cocoa and chocs and you'll be right as rain in no time. Talking of rain it looks very cloudy up there so come down from that tree and be friends you great clump.

Ah Addy- you knows 'ow to cheer me up right enough! I was up the tree rescuin' a pair of ya drawers. Found a friend up there I 'adn't seen for about thirty year. She reckoned she went up to pick me apples back in 1976 and I moved the ladder away. As if I would do a fing like that. Says 'er names Toodle Pip. Don't know 'er - do you dear? She looks a bit wevvered poor fing. Put the kettle on so's we can warm 'er up a bit.

Oooh them white chocolate ruffles- lovely. Gets me old silvery glands goin' that that blokes dog. Wotsisname? Come on, you got a certificate for 'istory. Pavlov!! That's the one! 'Ave anuvver ruffle for bein' so clever, darlin'. Save Barry PsychoThingy one. 'E's comin' over later, so you need to make yourself scarce if ya get me meanin'. I'm gonna give 'im some more tips on what 'e can do wiv 'is tin foil! Go and stand in the field and scare them old crows away. Only jokin' darlin'.

Quick- move yourself. Barry Wotsits 'ere.

That's never old Toodles is it? I thought I hadn't seen her around for a while. It's not thirty years though. The daft old bat would be dead and set hard by now if that were so. I think that she went up there yesterday after that Delia person was on the wireless making those stuffed apple thingies. She probably just fancied a bit for her supper Dear. Better wrap her up in some of that tin foil stuff if she's cold. You keep some for your night in with that Barry Inthain person though. Don't worry about me being about to play gooseberry this evening. I've got a nice new book about herbs from the library and I am going to do my singing exercises (That Katyjay has got me running up and down my rheumatic scales and up and down those octaves like nothing on earth. I am singing “Come per mio garden Maudo” or something like that from La Somnolent Postura) and have an early night with Alan Titchmarsh. Be good dear. It will make a nice change for you! Addy.

Yeah- I thought she was 'avin' me on. Mind you, old Bert took a fancy to that tree for some reason. "just goin' out tree huggin', Lidd" he said. Tree huggin'? Teresa Huggin lived down the road a while back. Glad I got rid of 'im. Fings took a bad turn wiv Barry Wotsit. 'E saw Toodle wrapped in tin foil and they went off togevver. Some men are shallow ain't they? "Alone again naturally" Gilbert Andsullivan sang that didn't 'e dear? Think that's my song from now on. Ain't no decent fellas anywhere is there? Poor katyjay. She's far too nice to say your singin' is bad. Heard you in the baff last night. Now all me tiles are off the wall. You like a demolishun truck.
Alan Titchmarsh, strewth darlin'. Can you do no better? There's a new singles club opened near 'ere. We can go there tomorra. It's called "Desperate Guys and Dolls" For people who can't find lurve. I can find it. It's keepin' it I 'ave a problem with. Maybe we can start a singles club in 'ere Addy.
Ah well, let's settle for the evenin'. Let's see wots on telly worf watchin'. Nuffin probably. If you promise not to sing, I'll open the sherry.
Bye darlin' x

Ay, Liddy, let's have a couple of mugs of sherry wine and put the world to rights. I fancy a quiet night in in front of the telly. There's usually something to laugh at. Are you sure that your Indie really wants to name her sprog after that open the box quiz fellow? Hughie Green Coal Bunker is a bit of a mouthful.
I don't remember that Mikado song Dear. Are you sure that it was Gilbert and O'sullivan? It might have been that Anton Deck fellow. Or maybe Des O'conor. He sings a bit you know. Sits back on his old rockers and croons he does. My auntie Gertie used to go mad about him. Talking of her, I saw the Pools out together the other day. You remember them; Cess and Jean. They used to go to the choral society with us back then.
Pass us another sherry Lidd. Here, have another ruffle thing too. I got three pounds of the things so tuck in.
I don't have to go home until bin day so we can plan a good day out tomorrow. What do you fancy. (Apart from that Mrb of course) Pass us another lidfull Muggy. Cheers me dears! Addy.

Cor Addy, only just woken up. That sherry woz stronger than I thought. You can knock 'em back can't you dear? I was still takin' my first genteel sip when you'd finished yours and was lookin' for more. If we have a bottle tonight, I'll get that nice Dr Fred to fix you up with one of them drippy things wot goes in your arm. All you do then is stick the bottle on the end. Whens ya bin day then? Can't 'ave you 'ere too long. You'll eat me out of 'ouse an' 'ome. Got a good appetite as well dear, ay?
Yeah I remember Cess Pool. Not sure about the uvver one. Toodle Pip reckons she knows Winnie the Pooh, but I just nods and says "yes Toodle of course you do dear". Daft as a brush she is. I noticed you ain't brushed your 'air since you bin 'ere. You do look a fright love. Halloweens bin and gone. What do you means it's your normal look?
Bin let dahn again. That mrb likes to eat 'is wifes toenails. They never let on do they? I make a nice toenail crumble an' all. Make sure you leave ya clippins where I can find 'em. We'll have it for our afters tonight.
You really must muck old Nag out today an' all. gettin' a bit wiffy round the old shed again. Or is that because the window cleaner is still wedged in the 'ole? I fought I asked you to get 'im out. Gawd, do I 'ave to everyfin' meself.
Put the ketttle on if you're still not too 'ung over. be back in a minute.

Bung the kettle on again Liddy love. I missed the first brew. It's my bin day tomorrow so I will go this afternoon. I don't want to miss them. It's almost time to give them my Christmas bonus!
That's not the window cleaner blocking up that hole in your shed. I found an old inflatable doll in there, like you practise doing the kiss of life at first aid classes and I blew it up and put your old tweed coat on it. It was in a box marked PRIVATE. Mr COAL-BUNKER esquire. He must have been in the Red Cross or something.
I don't know what you mean about my appetite dear. You were going around the place yesterday afternoon yelling Eat Good Bread Dear Friend like a mad woman and I was doing my best to humour you. I was on my third french stick before I realised that you were only practising your line notes.
I’ve mucked out the nag and he'll be ready for off soon. He's had all of his hay and his carrots and I gave him that revolting crumble that you made. Blimey Liddy, it was horrible! Even with custard. I think Mrb was joking about the toe nails you great ape. You must not believe all that you hear in print.
I think that I'll pass on the red wine; it turns my crowns a funny colour and I like to have a nice smile sometimes.
I am surprised that you cannot remember old Jean Pool. She was a bit of a scientist in her day. No good as a second tenor though. We told her to move to the bass section but she wouldn't have it. She said that it would look odd to have a woman standing amongst all those men. Silly old fool. She really missed out there.
I'll have to go soon because it'll be dark soon and I haven't got any tail lights on old Dobbin. How's your kettle doing? Addy

"Goin' home, She's goin' home Oh Addy, Addys goin' 'ome!"
Didn't know I woz into them football chant fings did ya love? Like to keep me hand in with the youngsters. Keeps me lookin' young meself. I fought the old man 'ad got rid of Annie Falactic from the shed. I wondered why I used to 'ear 'im 'uffin' and puffin' in there. Caught 'im out once. "Just practicin' me chest compressions Lidd" 'e says. I'll compress summink but it won't be 'is chest. Too late to fink of the red wine dear. Your crowns stained wiv all kinds. You really ought to get some toof picks too darlin'. Looks like an 'edgerow groin' out your mouf.
I'll miss you when you've gone really. Good to 'ave a bit a company. Maybe I'll bring Annie Falactic in and see if I can get a decent conversation out of 'er.
Come on then, dinners ready. And I'm mighty 'urt you didn't like me crumble. Marinaded the nails in olive oil for weeks. Least I think it was olive oil. Bloomin' cat.........
Liddy xx

Sherry Now you are talking. I like sherry, well... and wine, and scotch, and maybe cider whilst we are at it. May I pop 'round for a tipple? I could bring some nibbles to help the party along, my cheese straws are second to none. I'm just a tad worried about the blow up doll......picturing a puncture in the first aid class.
Great Aunt May.

Some party you'll have Liddy. You, Great May and that doll! You'll have plenty to drink though. By the sound of it that May is a bit of a tippler. You might have to watch her! Don't let her near your best single malt or that stuff that you keep in the pop bottle under the sink for washing your paint brushes either. One puff on that clay pipe of hers after a swig of that and she'll be blowing up your house again!
I got home safely on the horse. I didn't like the way you chased him off though, all that waving of your arms and chanting in the road like that. It was rather undignified if you don't mind my saying so Dear.
I've got visitors myself on the weekend. My late mother's sister Tiffany and her pet moggy. She calls him Denza but I don't know why. It will be good to see Aunt Tiffany and her cat Denza again.
I'm off to my lonely bed now Lidd, but not for much longer if that dating agency idea of yours takes off. Talk to you tomorrow if you are not still drunk. Night night. X Addy.