Won't be 'ere...sorry.. I gotta pianer lesson wiv me pianer fella.

What sort of a lesson is that then you old reprobate??? When can you make it??
May.

I beg your pardon...they is fine words comin' from you...

'E is my pianer teacher type person an' nuffing else, so there I'm surprised you's ain't got ya mits on 'im already Maybeline Pole! Besides, your pal Liddy 'as got 'er eyes on a fine young man ducky!

I can spare you's a Satdy sometime in March if that's any good to you's...

Oh yes I can!!! Hehehe!

Oh no you can't! You're too busy 'working' on Saturdays

Would a midweek day suit everyone? And as none of you's wants to be the cow, I've stuck a notice up in the corner shop. Wonder who we'll get?

I can manage any evening after December 16th. With my round of drinks in the Purple Camel concerts and TV and Radio appereances and my slots with Lidd on Radio Kernew I don't have much free time but the show must go on.

May wants to take her trumpet diploma before Christmas too if she can get that nice man from the Victoria and Albert college to give her one. Oops May! An exam time that is of course.

Ooo aye say! I anna been in t'ere for a while! By jove whats been 'appenin'?

< Great Aunt Dilys toddles past the corner shop carrying a crate of Gordons and Tonic, pauses to read notice in the window..........



<Nah, I can be an old cow any time I wants ta - an' I'm not usin' me own udders. Thems worn art. 'Sides, I'm art ta dinner on the ate-f with me naffyoo diapason 'an is organist mates. Their a right larff talkin' abart their 8' 'orns an offyklides>

Does out there want to be a cow..... ?

It's funny you should mention that Add. The Gas man offered to give me one once..............a carbon monoxide detector that is I had to keep a straight face too, he was only about 22. Fresh out of gas college and dotted all the i's, crossed all the t's. I was old enough to be his Granny big sister too.
Give us a date then Addy, and we'll all see if we can make it.
Great Aunt May.

How about Monday 17th? We must get this show on the road, and we must get an old cow too. Are there any applicants yet Dopey?

Good by me Addy dear. Ain't no sign of no cow....We's gonna 'ave ta dress Stoopid Bert up like a narner instead... Gawd 'elp us....

Won't that be a load of old bull then Lidd! Your Bert on the stage eh? That has to be a first. Will he have to sing? You should send him orf to that Maud for some training. She sings a bit. I heard her warbling from her bathroom once when I was taking my sledge down Horsefaced Loach Lane last winter.

Nah...she don't sing so good Add. Me an' Warblin' Winnie from Wimbledon sing be'er. D'yous remember 'er Add? Got arrested fer chasin' folk on the Common. She fought that judge was Uncle Bulgaria. She's a lot be'er since they plugged 'er 'ead in the national grid....

Panad Add?

I remember Warblin' Winnie Lidd. She was married three times to te same man. She kept leaving him when he ran away to Brighton with Dolly the barmaid from the Rat and Carrot but she always took him back again in the end. I don't remember you singing with her though. Can you sing Lidd? O yes you can. I recall our stunning trio in Leeds with Great May now. That Maud was positively with envy she was.

And yes, I would love a panad. How very poetic of you to ask, my old flower.

'Course I can sing bloomin cheek Add...ya gotta bloomin' cheek you reelly reelly 'ave Add...yes you 'ave!


"Sul ma re Lucia, le' astro d' argento....


Santa Lucia!!! Santa Lucia!!!"

Good innit Add?

I have to admit Lidd, that that was a mean Santa Lucia. Have you heard May with that trumpet of hers yet? I am playing for her diploma next term. At her age it doesn't do to hang around. It takes her mind off that douple bass of hers too and that can only be good. As fast as we kill off her old ones she buys new ones. Do you want a biscuit to go with the panad? I got some marshmallow ones today when Dobbin and I did the bins at Asda.

No ta, ducky. I'm not really parshall to marshmaller dear. I's gonna dunk that fellas sausage roll in me tea. Did you know that Saxon Fin makes a mean sausage roll? luvverly they are. Ask 'im nicely an' ya might get one an' all.

Cheers swee'eart.

Oh Lidd! That doesn't sound awfully vegetarian Dear. I'm not sure that I want one of those dipped in my panad. One is orf to gwely. Do you like my posh voice Lidd? I'm getting into character for the wicked stair lift

You's sahnd right daft Add Sort yaself aht gel...

Getteth thou stuffed. Thou knowst nowt.

I knowest that thou soundest like a biggeth plant pot Add!

I'm orf ta me bed Add. Nosey dad, darlin'. xxxxx

Alas I do. I'm orf to bed.

Ah good you've stopped talking in verse!

Good cos the last few panto's I've been to weren't written in verse. The lines were ordinary dialogue. And do so Oh no they weren't because they were.

If I were you, I'd Look Beind you!

Ha ha! All the best ones are written in verse
So this one's the same. Ain't no better or worse.

Oh no they aren't!

Monday 17th be no good for me- I 'as separate recital that night- ah, the price of fame!

As you all know my verse is bad,
The fact I can't write is very sad!

Look why not do this Panto in January when everyone has their Christmas Stuff out of the way!

No, no! That's not the panto season.
That would be without rhyme and reason.
A December show it has to me
Cause that will suit both Lidd and me.

I’m sure that we can find a day
That will suit all, tra loo tra lay.
We really must perform our show
In this fair month, Hey nonny no.

Or should that be “Hey nonny yes”
It should be written so I guess.
I really think I’d hesitate
To talk in rhyme in 2008.

In 1977
when i was in the dumps
I'd missed chrissie eve panto
for I was sick with mumps

But was the show it was not over
oh no it never it couldn't be at all
for I went when when I was better
I had the best seats in the stalls

And was it still December
Why No New Year had been
It was now January
At the night was fit for a queen!

I think that the best plan might be,
As this is only fantasy,
To have a rolling pantomime
That we can add bits too, in rhyme,
Just as and when we have the time.

And then our fans from far and near
Won’t mind if they can not be here
Upon the said appointed day.
It matters not, tra loo tra lay
For they can read our little treasure
When e’re they please, at their own leisure.

If I, the wicked stair lift, can narrate this brilliant show
Then we could get it started. We're all eager don't you know.
There’s no time like the present
And it would be rather pleasant
To begin this epic panto. I just need the nod to go.

I am always poor at rhyme,
My skills at this aren't quite sublime,
So I'd better leave this show,
Fare ye well, and off I go...

Now young sir, do not be so hasty!
Lidd needs a man and you're quite tasty.
You do not need much skill to rhyme
in our Old Ladies' Pantomime.

Now as I am the prince
I'll give my hair a rince
I'll don those stilt like boots
that go to thigh high from the root
I'll slip that tunic on
It mustn't be too long
It must also be low cut
to enhance my shapely bust
And in the middle of act one
when all of this is done
It will be prince charmings ball
in a glamourous opulent hall.

That's good to hear,
Let's give a cheer,
That's all I can think of.

T’is I, the Wicked Stair Lift.
I invite you to the ball.
You’ll have a friendly welcome here
So roll up, one and all.

Our story will be full of fun
With fun and jokes for every one.
And if you want to hiss and boo
You can, for sure. We’d love you to.

And so our story shall begin;
Now who would this be coming in?

I sing some songs
to move things on
and brighten up the show

The lavish ball
and gleeming hall
will be something dont you know

Cinders and I will dance
there will be romance
till eleven fifty nine

a ghost will appear
there will be fear
and then she won't be mine

But I'll have her shoe
and know what to do
and travel round the town

and when I find her
I need no reminder
of that beauty in her gown.

( In the hope I still have the same part!...)

I'm Cinders, 'tis true,
And I'm pleased to meet you!
With my dress made of rags
I should go and feed the nags...
But it's raining and cold,
In the dark I'm not bold,
But my wicked stepmother (well, stairlift!)
Treats me like no other.
I work so hard all day, that tonight
For the first time, I'm planning a flight
To the castle to meet
(In a manner discreet)
The fair Prince Charming
Oh dear! how alarming -
I've got nothing to wear
And just look at my hair
He'll wish I'd been late
If I turn up looking such a state!

But listen - someone's coming...

Hey Cinders, come here you little brat,
You cannot go and that is that!
You meet the Prince! I don’t think so!
My PRETTY daughters both will go.

Now go about your work at once.
Those nags need food you little dunce!

I thought Phyllis was plying that part!
Has he not been around enough lately!

You make an excellent understudy though!

I thought she was an ugly sister.
Cinders is no part for a Mr!

Phyllis is the playing the Ugly Sisters (both of them) I think.

*Cinders goes off-stage in tears after being called a brat*

*P-C follows*

I'm sorry Jeannie, but that's what the ugly sister's and you're stepmother think of you. It's only when you're fairy godmother appears and you get to the ball then things get better. Remember Addy gets to sing "There are worse things I can do" with doctored lyrics that I'm working on. At this low point you've got to sing Tommorrow from Annie, we can't have you going off in a strop!.

Has this panto fing started?
I'm not very sure
Of the part I am playing
I don't know any more

I put on me make up
An' made meself luvverly
Me sister (poor Phyllis)
Can't 'elp bein' ugly

I'll sing aht a song
At the top of me voice
'Cos it seems ta me nah
That I ain't got much choice

This Panto is made up
Of uvvers you see
it's a pity that no-one
Has told poor old Elsie

I saw Jack wiv 'is stalk
Wiv the Puss in 'is Boots
An' a cow of one half
But we don't give two hoots!

This play is a laff (innit!)
It ain't very good
But we'll get in the spirit
Wiv that lush Robin Hood

His tights are packed solid
'E can 'ardly sit dahn
He loves Sleepin' Beauty
In 'er see frew night gahn

So let's get on wiv this play
before I'm sent mad
But before we do,
There's time for panad!!

Kettle's on

Hasn't told Elsie what?

I find this most alarming
For I'm here to play prince charming
I know the plot has got some twists
but it mainly gets the jist
and cinders goes to the ball
in love for her I do fall
and the she loses her shoe
I'm bereft, don't know what to do.
And no matter how many byways
In the end it turns out my way
with our wedding and much laughter
and us living happily ever after!

I can't find a Puss-in Boots costume
But I've found Tigger instead - will he do?

TTFN! *BBBOOOOUUUUUNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEE!!!*

Aarrghhhhh! How do you stop bouncing?

Sounds most amusing!

Lets think..... Tigger could take on a lot of Button's function to cheer cinders up.

I don't know what the others think.

And you get a song!

You could bounce into the ugly sister's dressing room when they're getting ready for the ball and cause chaos.

And When I'm left holding the shoe and have just sung my big weepy number you can bounce in and cheer me up.

This sounds very workable.

Don't know how it fits in with the amourous Cow though

Could someone or Summat stop me bouncing before my arthritis flares up?

*bounces off through stage door*

Summat's Fibromyalgia plus walking in these boots will make that difficult. Hang on. (Summat grabs walking stick) grab hold of that. I'm holding a scaffolding pole so if I move then the set's coming down.

Fee fie fo fum
This stoopid play
Has struck me dumb...

It's a joke...
It's a farce..
It's fast becoming
A pain in the......derryair

It's not meant to be real
Who cares abaht plots?
It's makin' me face
Come aht in big spots

Me nerves won't take it
I'm twitchin' an' twitchin'
I'll give it a miss
An' get on wiv me knittin'.

If ya sort it aht
You's know where ta find me
And don't you dare say
There's summink be'ind me

Come on then gels,
Why are we here?
If we flaff abaht too long
It'll soon be next year.

I've said me piece
Now let's get goin'
Pull ya dress dahn, Add
Ya drawers are showin'...