Well Lidd, I am not at all sure about the wisdom of inviting Great May along. She is a bit too wild for my liking! Let's take her shopping and buy her some red shoes, (Do you know the saying about them? I don't! Unless it is "red shoes, red feet”!) And then put her on the train back to her home. You can pretend to be Charles and Cammy asking her over for tea or something. She reckons that she lives by them. Right, let's hit Harrods. I've got one of those personal shoppers waiting for us. We'll look proper posh when we're done. Addy.

'Ello darlin'. Yeah big mistake that Great May was. Shows us up good and proper eh? Let's tell 'er we're meetin' in Tesco, as that's her favourite shop. But really, you an' me will be in 'Arrods!!! Is that a plan or wot!! He he! No idea about red shoes. I've a job to keep me eyes of her lumpin' great red nose though. You know about them surely? Too much of the old spirits, and I don't mean Lavvy, luvvy. 'Ave ya seen 'er bunion? She can't deny she 'as a drink problem- there's too much evidence.

Cor- am I glad ta take that bloomin' great blue wig off me 'ead. Why didn't you pick me up when I lost me balance? Fought you woz me frend. Course it wasn't me real 'air! Your pink tint is er....ever so pink. You look like one of them Dandy Gloss fings. The kids will be runnin' up to ya sayin' "Give us a bit of your 'air old lady!"

I 'ope you gonna get dressed up for me uvver party today. I'm celebratin' bein' half a millenium! By the way, you're payin'. Thought I'd better tell you now so's you don't 'ave one of your temper turns.

Oh, do give over- it won't cost that much. Lend me a tenner then I can put it towards the bill. Come on 'ere comes May. You can tell where we're goin'.

Bore da May cariad. Heddiw 'dan i'n mynd i Tesco's am sioppa. Dewch efo ni Ffrind. There! That told her! Now let's run like crazy for out taxi. We'll have to be back for your half century party do though. I don't mind paying at all now that I am a lady of means. The babyshams are on me. Runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

Hello Girls Here we are in Harrods then. Thought I'd got lost didn't you. HA
Now then Addy, what sort of shoes do you want? Something for long walks, or with a heel for the evenings. Liddy, you'd better have sensible lace ups, being as you fall over a lot. I fancy these red ones with the buckle and the 4 inch heels. And the saying is for you two igniramuses red shoes, no knickers
Great Aunt May.
P.S Lat's have tea in Claridges, my treat for you two.

Oh no! Liddy, she's used the "K" word again. We can't have that! We are posh old ladies. That idea about leaving her in Tesco's didn't work either. Still. I suppose that tea in the Garages might be nice as it's her treat. Poor think, it's probably all that she can afford! And she pretends to have a stately home. Probably more of a home in a state if you ask me. And now she wants those dreadful shoes too. I'll be so ashamed if she wears them when she's out with us.

Yeah she comes back like a bad smell don't she. Are you sure she's not attached to ya with a bit a string? Red shoes, no you-know-wots, eh? Well, that says it all really don't it. No wonder she's called May Bee. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. She lowers the tone good and proper. I'm steadier on me old pins than she is. She's only gotta see a bottle of gin and she's on the floor.
Well me parties going like a goodun. Love that fudge stuff. Dribbled it all dahn me chin. Still I'll leave it there and it will do for me supper tonight. How much will this cost d'you think? It's ever so good of you to pay the bill, darlin'.
Wot's up wiv ya in the knittin' bit luvvy? I'm right worried that you've started repeatin' yourself. Would you like me to speak with Barry Psycho- Wotsit? 'E may be able to help. I'll come wiv you if you like. I've got a nice tin foil gnome to give 'im for Christmas. You let me know dear, and I'll help the best I can. Mind you, you'll 'ave to pay for that an' all as you loaded eh?
Well, I'm headin' back to the cafe. Let's 'ave me party and we'll hit the road again. Where we off to for the weekend?
Liddy xx

Now then, what's this about where I live and all that. I'll have you know that all the toffs for centuries have had "interesting" lives. Just look at that Henry VIII.
I'm very steady on my legs, tiddly or not Liddy my girl. Which is more than I can say for you when you helped me drink your best malt You couldn't keep your zimmer under control one jot.
OK, I have a suggestion. This weekend is the one where we all go down to my place, have a bit of a knees up, and choose the cruise for Christmas. We could even have a mini concert in the Church Hall on Saturday night, followed by a party. Coming??
Great Aunt May be a good girl this weekend.

Yeah I'll come- but it won't be much fun if we gotta be good. Are you one of them party pooper people? Try sayin' that when your drunk!! Or in your case May, if or when yous ever sober!

byeeee xx

But Liddy, you told me I've got to be good So can I be bad all weekend then
Great Aunt May be naughty.

O Liddy, what have you got us into now? A weekend with Great May and who knows who else. She's probably phoning the escort agency to hire a crowd of gentlemen friends at this very moment. Still, the mini-concert should be fun. What does May play Dear? A good thing that I bunged my natural horn in! I can do a mean Carnival of Venice on that now, and I've got lots of songs in the boot of the limo too. Don't let her wear those awful tarty red high heeled things though. It'll look daft with us in our new Prada dresses and Jimmy Choos. Ah well, perhaps we can send her off on a cruise on her own after the weekend. I don't think I can take the embarrassment any more. Every time I look she's there chatting up some poor fellow or other. I just wanted a bit of culture vulture stuff, not all of this wild behaviour! Ah well, best head off to the great pile of Great May's. Addy.

Welcome my dears. Hope you are comfortable in the old place, some of it is a bit draughty, but that's what these old places are like. Hope you've got your thermals Liddy.
Dinner will be served in an hour, and then we can decide the programme for tomorrow night. I play the double bass standing on a footstool. Any ideas for the pieces , and do you two sing?? I do, in the style of Hinge and Brackett, that great opera duo
Anything you need and Hudson, the butler will fetch it for you.
I have taken the liberty of contacting an agency called Twilight Years. I hope you like the gentlemen who will be joining us. We will be dressing for dinner
Great Aunt May.

Dressing for dinner indeed! Does she think that we'd wander round this freezing cold dungeon of a place with nothing on? Twilight Years too! I told you that she'd be on to an agency. Still. it has to be better than your old Bert I suppose. Some concert we'll have if May plays her double bass! And "do we sing" indeed! Hah! Has she never heard of us? Ah well, suppose we'd better enter into the spirit of the occasion and talk about concert programmes over our supper. Give that 'Udson fellow a yell to see if he can find us any some furry slippers or else our feet will freeze to the floor in this place. Oh no! There goes the gong. Better go to see what grub she's done. Walk this way! Addy.

Addy and Liddy, it was a lovely evening last night. So enjoyed it. I think you did too Come on Liddy, where did you disappear to with that nice young man, Frederick. You were gone ages
Addy, don't take this the wrong way but, you shouldn't pour your tea into the saucer and drink it from that, particularly without your teeth in dear
The champers was very dry but I think Hudson had chilled it just a little too much. Addy, I didn't know you could tango like that Are you double jointed or is that what you can do after a hip replacement.... amazing. Must see about getting a couple
What are we doing tonight at the concert, I think Principoos and Cami-knickers are popping along to our little soiree??
Great Aunt May

Flippin' 'eck Lidd! Did you enjoy last evening? Oysters and that cavalier fish stuff, John Dory soup, stuffed grouses and then that posh pud made figs and goodness knows what else! Not my sort of grub at all! And now Great May wants us to meet up in the music room for a rehearsal for this concert tonight. I suppose it might be fun, but after that let's head off somewhere else without her.
And that comment about me taking my teeth out indeed! They are all my own! One or two fillings but mine nevertheless. And I wasn't drinking my tea out of the saucer on purpose; it was just that the cup leaked and I did not want to waste any of it. She does a good panad I will say. She's just too upper crust for us Lidd. I was rather surprised when she asked me to pay the bill to the escort agency too! If I'd have known it was going to cost that much I'd have gone for some younger and better looking ones. Lummy Liddy! I thought that Bert was ugly! Where did you get to with that Fred fellow by the way? You were gone a very long time and I had to listen to May telling me all sorts about her ancestors. And she thinks that I'm double jointed now too! It's riding old Dobbin that keeps me fit and active. Not sure what keeps her going though. Let's do something really good at the concert. That'll take everyone by surprise including her. I dread to think what she has planned for two sopranos and a double bass! Ah well, walk this way again Liddy.

Well. Liddy.....some concert that was! Clever of you to have roped that Fred fellow in too! I had not realized that he was a musician. That May was not so bad at choosing men after all. When you said that you were off looking at his organ I really did wonder about you! But he really could play couldn't he? I thought that our adaptation of the Berio for two sopranos and double bass was inspired. Not at all sure about May's choice of solo though. I don't think that I like the Mendelssohn violin concerto played three octaves lower at half speed! Our duet was great though........The Pearl Fishers has always been a favourite with our audiences, even if we do have to use our chest voices and yell belt a bit. Did you see that Charles and his missus left very soon after we had started? And fancy bringing those two little corgi dogs too. The small one howled all through my natural horn piece. No ear for Strauss at all. Ah well, all's well that ends well as they say. Except that it didn't end well at all. I was really embarrassed by that final ensemble. Charlie and Camilla Blues indeed! Whatever did Great May choose that for eh? That Harry Parry has written far better stuff than that! Right Liddy, How do we get shot of May?

Message from Hudson. Great Aunt May's Butler.

My dear Liddy and Addy,
I hope you don't mind me calling you by your first names, but May always referred to you both as that.
I regret to inform you both, that dear May has gone on to a better place. Last night she was taken off for a spin in a sports car by her young gentleman friend, Jimmy; a young man, only in his 50's, but quite taken with May, she was 73 you know. They were having quite a hoot, but failed to take the corner properly, and are now on the race track in the sky May went out with a bang, she died as she lived Someone was heard to say they heard her shout " I'll be back to haunt them..............". Not sure what that means
By the way, Liddy, May left you her double bass, and Addy, she has bequeathed her new red shoes
R.I.P May and Jimmy.
Hudson.

Oh dear poor May. 'As she really gorn? Can't cope wiv two deafs in one week. Shall we arrange a concert Addy? Hinge and Brackett? I always fought May woz a bit unhinged. Ah well, she can go and sing upstairs now ay? Poor Jimmy too. I fought 'is tyres looked a bit bald. Wot am I s'pposed to do wiv a bloomin' great double bass? Will keep the fire goin' for a while. At least I didn't get the shoes! Serves you right Addy for takin' the Mickey like ya did. Can't wait to see you totterin' around in 'em.
Got meself a bloke though diddun I? Fred the Bread. D'you remember 'is dad 'ad the bakery? Fred used to go out wiv Chelsea Bunn. Fancy bit of fluff, but 'ad sticky fingers. Fred said 'es admired me from afar for ages!! Cor- landed on me feet there good and proper. Can eat all the cakes I like. He reckons 'es got the biggest sausage roll in the land! Hehe! I'll let you know when you're old enough!
I see old Charlie and Camisole left early. Didn't 'ave much to say for themselves did they? S'ppose they're used to posher do's than that. Mind you, old Cami can belt out a good Sally from our Alley. She's as common as you an' me after all. All the money in the world can't buy class as they say.
Talkin' of which. You gonna put your 'and in your purse today darlin'? I could do wiv a good cheerin' up. All doom and gloom round 'ere. There's a fair on in my neck of the woods. I fancy 'avin' a go on them dodgems fings and the waltzers. Mind you don't 'ave too much to eat first though dear. You'll end up wearin' ya lunch.
See you in a minute then lovey
Liddy xx
'Ere I just realised- we got old Lavvy and May hauntin' us now....stroof me nerves will be shot to pieces.

At the fair..............the usual jolly circus type music stops on the dodgems Then a haunting melody reminiscent of Mendol son's violin concerto floats eerily across the fair ground...........

Lummy- Addy. This ghost train is realistic ain't it? Did you hear that howlin'? Addy.........Addy... Where you gone you great bloomin' scaredy cat. You look a sight tryin' to run away in them shoes. Watch that blokes coconuts......gawd, you knocked 'im flyin'. Get off that big wheel ya great lummock. You can't go round and round forever. It's only May and Lavvy. All that "woo-hooing" and blowin' in me earole don't scare me. They needs to get up early to scare old Lydia Coal-Bunker.

Do stop that violin racket an' all. My old Tiddles makes a better noise than that. Addy, this ain't funny no more. You can't hide in the freak show eiver. That not you Addy? Oh I do beg your pardon, Bearded Lady, I fought you was me mate. Do I need to put a missin' person announcement out Addy, like you some two year old or summink?

I'll just sit 'ere by the hall of mirrors. Ooh I think I'll stay 'ere. That mirrer makes me look a stunner. All slim like I was when I was young. Addy, this is gettin' on me nerves now. I'm gonna count to a million. If you ain't back I'm goin' wivout you.

1......2.......3....4.........5..........6





73....74........75........76........77.........78.........79.........80

235......236......237.........238.......239........240......

don' they 'ave 'em new numbers now? wiv 'at new symbol for 3, looks like a 4 doesn' it? or is that five?

Well, Liddy, I won't believe that she has really died until they have a funeral! I never did trust that Great May. She might just have run away with that Jimmy fellow with his bald tyres and bald head and told her butler to tell us that story. And I am back so you can stop counting now. I was just having a bit of a lurk in the fortune teller's tent, that's all. I took those dreadful shoes off too. They made me look flippin' enormous with those huge heels and I kept hitting my head on things. I'm ready to go now but I'm not sure where to? We can't go back to late May's place. How about we find another posh hotel for the night and then plan something else for tomorrow. I've got loads of money left still. I quite fancy a trip to the lakes. X Addy

999,999. One million!!

Thought I'd carry on as I'd started me countin' about fifty hours before you turned up. Fortune teller!? she couldna bin that good or she woulda said "'Ere, I see your friend out there bin countin' for ages". I used to know Claire Voyant. Always answered a question before it was asked. Kept sayin' to people "I know what you're thinking, you know". She knew exactly what I fought of 'er right enough.
So you don't reckon Mays gorn? Wot she up to? Who was that woo-hooin' and blowin' in me ear then? P'raps it was the old man. 'E used ta like blowin' in me ear. "Lidd" he'd say "Your ears were made for me to blow in". "Iva" I'd say "you get away from me ears or I'll be stickin' a cotton bud where a cotton bud didn't ought to be". No accountin' for some men ay Addy? You've 'ad some strange uns in the past, ain't ya darlin'?
Well, me and Fred the Bread 'ave gone our seperate ways. 'E couldn't get his dough to rise. Bread was as flat as a pancake. Addy- of course I was on about bread. Get your mind out the gutter girl. Like chewin' on a bit of rubber. As that Olivier used to sing "where is love?". Blowed if I know.
Fank goodness you got rid of them shoes. If we off to the Lakes you'd better wear summink sensible. I fished you out of one river, I ain't wadin' in no lakes for ya. Maybe we'll find old Nessy and make lotsa money.
Come on then darlin'. What you waitin' for?

I hope that you've put your wellies in Lidd, it looks a mite wet outside. Sorry that you ditched Fred the Bread as I thought he was one of your better men friends, but still, kneads must if he wasn’t up to the job in hand. I knew his father. He used be called Old Fred Bread, but after he made white loaves for the old Duke he became known as Fred Upper Crust.
That fortune teller wasn't much good. A bit of a fraud in fact! She said that I was going on a long journey and that I would be coming into money. I told her that she was a bit slow and that those things had happened already! Silly old twit! Not half as good as old Gertie from down the road. She reads tea bags you know, and very good she is too.
Let's see if you can get us a good five star hotel on my sat-navvy thing. I fancy somewhere a bit less draughty than late Great May's place.
Don't mind if have my new "Four Puffs and an 'osepipe" tape on do you? They do some lovely Hindemith numbers on it and I want be able to join in with my natural horn when I get home. By the way, we'll be passing near Bradford on our way. Fancy treating ourselves to something nice from the Early Music Shop? And I don't mean the recorder technician either! How do you fancy a bass crumhorn? Addy.

Cor darlin' this is a nice pad innit? I gotta four poster in me room. What d'you mean you only gotta bunk bed? 'Xcuse me while I try not to laugh. Hehe! I see them Four Pouffees on the telly every week. He can play the piana good can't he? What about that Wossy blokes 'air then? Got more than you and me put together. No you can't go and run your 'ands through it. Give the poor boy a nasty turn, you will. You watch what you're doin' with that 'osepipe. Ah- reminds me of them nice firemen what came and rescued me after I blew me 'ouse up. They 'ad a good long 'osepipe. Poor old Lavvy. Don't get me started again. I gone all sniffy now. 'Ere, maybe we could blow this place up- check out the local fire lot, What d'you reckon? Oh- go on. You can be a right stick in the mud sometimes, really you can.

Did you see that picture in the Mail. Stompin' great stag thing stole me ball of wool. Nice mauve colour it were. Wrapped it right round 'is horn bits. That Yantoo will have a scarf long enuff ta fit twice round the equator fingy. 'E ain't that big surely?

I'm bored wiv these lake fings. Just look like big puddles to me. Can we move on tomorra? I fancy that chocolate world place. Can we go there, ay Addy,ay? Can we please? Go on. I'll be ya bestest frend in the world. That one never sent me one of 'er slippers. Some frend she turned out to be.

Can we go now Addy, please Addy. Can we go to chocolate world. PLEASE!!!!!!!

Firemen, where's the firemen, I love uniforms
OOooooooopppppppssssssss. Gals, I have something to tell you both. I'm not dead. Jimmy wanted to run away with me, but his wife would be cross, so he said we should pretend to be dead. BUT, when we got to Paris, he had as much life in him as Frankie Stine's monster, so I ditched him and came back. It's not the men in my life I'm worrried about, it's the life in my men. I've squared it with Hudson, and I hope you two are OK about it too. Bet you missed me. Where's my Double Bass and red shoes gone????????????
Great Aunt May.

When you've seen one lake you've seen them all really. Not nearly as good as our Welsh lakes either! You made the booking for the rooms Liddy. Why did you book me a bunk bed and yourself the honeymoon suite you big bat? And NO, we cannot blow up the hotel or set fire to it or anything so nasty. Let's just set off the fire alarm though and see what happens.
Chocolate World is the best idea you've had yet Lidd. But we'll go via Bradford this time as I haven,t treated myself to a crumhorn yet.
What the heck will we tell Great May? I left her red tart shoes in the bin at the fairground and you chopped up her double bass for your fire! She won't be too happy. We'll post her something from the Chocolate World shop. That should do. Perhaps we should get a chocolate fountain put in to my limo?
Pack your stuff early in the morning and we'll have an early breakfast and then be off. But what about the fire alarm first Lidd? Do you want to do it or shall I?

Phew....thank goodness she didn't recognize me. Seems I shall 'ave to brush up me skills (picks up "Teach Yourself Fortune Telling - large print version and turns to first page)

Great Aunt Dilys (aka Wanda the Futuristic Wonder)

DDDDDDDDDDRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!

Wayhay! look at those lads in their uniforms! Cor- there's summink about 'em ay Addy? Get back behind the tree. They'll see you. Quick- we can get in the Lino now. Gawd- that was a close one! Worf it though ay? Put your foot down then lovey. Lets get this bloomin' Crummyhorn fing before you start sulkin'. What is it anyway?
Can't wait to get to chocolate world. Mmmmmm..all that white chocolate. I can see it now. You gonna get chocolate wiv nuts in? You be careful. You may get Annie Filactic on me. You all right wiv nuts?
Talkin' of May...Yeah I know we don't really wanna talk about May. You in bovver now about 'er shoes and I've gotta stick 'er double bass fing back togevver. Ain't much left of it now though. Serves 'er right. Pullin' a stunt like that. We'll 'ave to get 'er a big toffee she can suck on. Keep 'er quiet for weeks it will. By then she'll 'ave forgotten 'er shoes and firewood.
You was taken in good and proper by Wanda Lust the fortune teller. Didn't you know it were Dilly all the time? No wonder you didn't know I was sittin' outside countin' like a great lemon. She's still gotta bloomin' great book she's readin' from. Didn't you see it on the table? I dunno darlin'.
'Ere- we've bin rumbled! That's a police car behind us! They're flashin' at you. Oooh this is excitin'! Do a handbrake fingy round this corner! Weeeeee!! There's life in the old girl yet! Good for you darlin'. I fink we've lost 'em.
Come on then. Let's get your Crummy fing. While we in Bradford I wanna get a big Ruby Murray in me belly. Cor- I love a curry, me. A nice 'ot vindaloo wiv a dollop of mango chutney. Luvverly!

Well Liddy, all I can say is that we have been jolly lucky today. That nice police officer was really impressed when I did my handbrake turn and a full on emergency stop. I could tell by the terrified look on his face as we whizzed past him. Turned out that he was just making a path for the ambulances that were called when the fire alarm went off. I blame you, as usual.
A crumhorn is one of those hockey stick medium evil instruments that you blow and it makes a sound like a wasp stuck in a glass jar. I'll get two and them you can have one as well. No point in being rich if you can't share is there!
That Dilys wasn't such a hopeless fortune teller after all. She had dozens of people queuing up at her tent and she must have made a mint at £20 a time.

..................................................................................................................................

Right, that's the crumhorns, harpsichord kit, portative organ, gemshorns, bagpipes, schawms, rebecs, tabors, rauchpfeifes and great bass recorders bought, and we've had two helpings of the best curries in Bradford. Now let's head off to Chocolate world if we can fit in to my limo. And if you are going to book the next hotel get me a proper room this time. I'm far too old to be sleeping in a bunk!

And answer my mobile please Lidd. It could be my agent with a concert booking. I haven't heard from him for a while. I hope it's not that Great May wanting her firewood double bass returning!

Stroof we was lucky there ay Addy? What a dashing young man that plod was. I could see 'im lookin' me up and down. Good job I put a clean bib on ready for me Ruby. Cor that was luvverly too. Make sure there's plenty a places to stop for a comfort break, if you get me meanin'.

Why don't ya just get a wasp and stick it in a jam jar? Ain't ya got enuff of them instrument fings? We ain't got room for anyfin' else. Look at me face all squashed up against the winda. Looks like me lips are a great big pair of them sucker fings. You mind 'ow you get me out. You'll pull all me skin off.

'Ow far now to chocolate world? Yeah- that Dilly weren't so daft after all. Twenty quid? Bet she was 'avin' a right laff at you darlin'. Never mind eh?

I diddun know you was gonna end up in a bunk bed. I asked for a four poster and summink for me friend who's done a bunk. Serves ya right for leavin' me countin' like ya did. Oh- don't go off on one. The next place 'as got two four posters so that's one each right?

What you got an agent for? Sure it's not A. Gent? Not anuvver one. Just settle for the friendship of your greatest pal in the world. We don't need no one else do we? We like cheese and pickle. Go together a treat.
Think we better stop for a comfort break. That Ruby's growlin' around......

Well Liddy, this has got to be the best hotel that I have ever stayed at. A four poster bed each and rooms far enough apart that I can't hear you snoring! I brought my crumhorn in from the limo to have a blow and it sounds pretty good. I’ve broken three reeds already though and I haven't got any more so I've shoved a big bluebottle fly down it and it's ok so far.
Did you see that Great May on the telly this evening? Some kind of scandal with a jockey I think. She should know better at her age. She told that Hudson fellow that she was seventy-three but I don't believe a word of that. Ninety-eight if she's a day!
My agent just phoned me back too! He said that I'd sent him a texture message thing to say that I'd retired from singing and he was really disappointed. It was you playing with my mobile phone wasn't it Lidd? Ah well. I suppose that I should think of retiring now that I am a wealthy woman. I wouldn't mind a farewell concert though.
I wonder how the old horse is without me? I bet he'll be missing me. Any news of your Tiddles Lidd? Don't suppose that he's missing you after you sprayed him with that glitter stuff. Bet he's still cross about that!
Nighty-night, Addy.

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh (in mystical tones) I sees it all now. I see trouble ahead - big trouble. Curry and 'er hiatus hernia spells B I I I G G trouble. I see an industrial size bottle of BiSoDol being delivered by Securicor........and what's this - an intraveinus drip of Milk of Magnetica...........and a giant air freshener spray.

Aaaaaahhhh........I sees it all now, and it ain't a pretty sight. Me chrysallis balls tell Dilys....er...humhum.... WANDA ... everything.

Wo, wo and (hehehe) thrice (hehehehhehe)........cackling laughter - Wanda exits stage left.

Glad you like the place darlin'. I'm right proud of meself for findin' it. Don't need no Sat Navvy malarkey. We ladies can read a map as good as any gent, ay sweety? No wonder you broken free of them reed fings. You keep usin' 'em as toof picks. That Crummy makes a fair old racket. Or is it the way you're playin' it? I took to me bed early. Me old tum was givin' it large. No curry for me from now on, dear.
I listened to me Wiggy fella on the wireless. Ooh 'is music brings a tear to me eye. What a talented boy 'e was. And to fink 'e couldn' 'ear a single note. Makes me wanna give 'im a good big hug. Poor mite- and no mum to look out for 'im. 'Ow good of 'em to play me penguin music too.
May made a show of 'erself. Goin' off wiv a jockey now eh? Yeah- I reckon she must be due a telegram on 'er next birthday. She saw 73 many a moon ago.
How very dare you, Addy! Fancy accusin' me of sendin' messages to your gent. I only said we should be resigned to hearing some very..er..off key singin'. Still any excuse for a knees up. You can do a big concert and then come outa retirement next year. Then we'll do it all agen! Is that a plan or wot? We need some big names. Let's ask that Meat Puddin' fella and Brian Terfyl. That Tim Jones can come, but 'e's lookin a bit scraggy nowadays. Still, I've loads of pollyfilla left to smooth out the cracks. Cor- this is excitin' innit? You can play a toon on ya crummy and barock bison fingy. I'll sing me coconut song, get everyone in the party mood. Now, where we gonna 'ave it? I reckon that new Wimbly place will be open by then. We'll 'ave it there.
Wot's that Wanda cacklin' about? Sounds like she's off her trolley. What d'you reckon? Maybe she's appearin' in Panto or summink. Oh yes she is! Oh no she ain't! She's behind you!! Ooh I love Panto Addy. You an' me can be the ugly sisters. Hehe! Can we see a Panto Addy, can we please Addy? There's one up the road from 'ere. There's a "Jack" in the title, so we're in for a treat if 'e's a good looker. Can we go, Addy? PLEASE!!!!!!!

Watcha Lidd. Glad you are feeling better after all that curry! I think that we should give that Chocolate World place a miss today and go there tomorrow. The panto sounds a much better idea. We'll sit in the front and join in with all the songs and shout a lot at the baddy. It'll be just like an evening in the Purple Camel on a friday Lidd.
As to a farewell concert, that's a very good idea! My pal Bryn will do it, and that nice Katherine Jenks. We'll have to be careful that we don't out stage her and make her feel bad though. She's only young, and if she keeps at it she'll sing as well as we do in time. Tom Jones? No, I really don't think that he'll do at all. He's well past it. He's not been right ever since that Great May threw her bloomers at hin in Woolworths that time. Pollyfilla won't do much for him now! I don't think that I want to sing at a football ground though LIdd. I'd sooner sing in that Albert Hall's place. Let's get my agent to book it. And he's not my gent at all, in fact he's very ugly but he knows how to get the crowds in.
Glad you liked your concert of that Luggage Van fellow's penguin piano concerto thingy. It was that poor J.S. Bach lad that I feel sorry for; lost his parents very close to one another and then got bossed about by his big brother! Not a lot of fun for a little boy. He wrote some lovely stuff though. I'm having a go at some bits from his cello suites on my new crunhorn.
Right, I've booked two seats right on the front row. Let's get ourselves something to munch in the quiet bits!

Oooh darlin'. This Panto's right good innit? Oh yes it is!! Hehehe. I'm such a kid at heart. Did you really need to bring that knittin' though? Ah well, you can do a few rows in the intermezzo!! Are you impressed by that darlin'? I just 'eard one on the wireless by that Bidet fella. Oh yes I did!! hehe!!
That Jack looks a bit ...er...girlie don't he? I fought he was gonna be a big stroppin' fella given the size of 'is beanstalk. Them sisters are men!! Wot's goin' on? The worlds all tipsy turvy. I'm sure that witch is May. She's the dead spit of 'er. Oh yes she is!!! Hehe! Sorry darlin'. What do they say about little fings pleasin' little minds?
Can't wait for ya concert, sweet. I'll be garglin' like a goodun, gettin' me vocal chords into shape. Yeah, poor Tim bein' bombarded with Mays longjohns. It's enough to make anyone look scraggy. Poor bloke will never be the same again. Still, Brian and Kath will do a good belter I'm sure.
Bach didn't do so bad for 'imself. Still managed to 'ave 93 children didn't he? 'Ow did 'e find the time to write music eh? Poor Wiggy though. 'E wrote me a letter once callin' me an angel an' everyfing. Bless 'im. Shame 'e was too mean to pay the price of a stamp. Never got it til 'e passed over. It says "To Lydia Coal-Bunker- My Immortal Beloved" Luvverly innit?
Sssh now. Jacks back. Or should that be Jill? I dunno. Put that bloomin' knittin away, and stop rustling ya sweet papers.
It's behind you! hehehe

Well of course the witch was me. Didn't I tell you I could act. I've been on the stage many a year. And Liddy, if you want to eat peanuts, do so, BUT stop spitting the shells onto the stage, it's annoying and the leading lady is scared of slipping and breaking a leg. Although, I would get to be the star then as I am her understudy
Great Aunt May.

Keep spitting Liddy! And try to get some of your banana wrappers on the stage too. I want to see Great May being the leading lady. Who will play the witch though if she has to swap roles? There's more than enough role swapping in this panto already! Oh no there isn't! Oh yes there is!
Aye, That J.S fellow did well with his brood of sprogs didn't he? I've got a book on my old 'armonium called Bach's Organ Works! Dead right there weren't they!
Stop talking now Lidd, the curtain's going up again. BOO BOO HISS HISS. Oops, that was a goody! He he he, my mistake.

whispers - I've got a feelin' that May, Adeline and Lidia have done the rest of us OLTVA in - good 'n proper -and nicked all our savin's from in'us tea towel drawers and are going on a spree like that Thelwall and Lousy. Good job I keep me earnin's from fortune tellin' in a rolled up liberty bodice under the commode.

(peeps syruptissuesly round corner)

Great Aunt Dilys (aka Wanda the see-er)

Ay Liddy, I told you that old Dill wasn't much of a fortune teller or else she'd have known that I'd made my fortune with one of those natural lottery itch cards and not from robbing little old ladies! The cheek of it! Wanda the unwarranted if you ask me dear! Ah well, time for the last scene of this panto. BOO, BOO, HISS HISS oops again! Sorry Great May! (She's far too old for a leading lady Liddy. My old Dobbin would have looked better than her in that ballgown!) Addy.

Cor wot a grand Panto that was, darlin'! Oh yes it was! Hark at you booin' and hissin' in all the wrong places!! I fought that bloke behind you was gonna tip 'is ice cream all over yer 'ead!! Woulda bin good to see May in the lead roll. I tried 'ard wiv me nuts but that witch kept dodgin' 'em. Still, she can do summink in yer concert ay darlin'. You'll need someone to clear up afterwards. Let May do it. They coulda done wiv your old Dobbin. Those two in the donkey suit didn't know which end was goin' where! Oh no they didn't!!
Fancy you knowin' about Bachs organ!! Hehe. That Saint Sonny did a big organ job too didn' 'e? Dedicated it to a dear little piggy. It says "To my darlin' Babe". Not as good as my Wiggy.
Ta everso for your lovely birfday greetin' dear. You sure they not rude words your sayin'? Nuffin' to do wiv old Bachs organ works?? He he. You a dark horse right enough!
Where we off to today then? I 'ope you gonna put your 'and in your pocket for a good old birfday lunch. Come on then darlin'. Lets load the Lino and be on the road.

"Happy birfday to me, happy birfday to me...........!"

Happy Birthday to Liddy, he he he he he he
Let's hit that Gordon Rambbottom's place then Lidd! He could out-swear even you on a good day, and that's saying something! Right rude he is, but I've heard that he does a lovely birthday special and he's doing you a white chocolate pud and a cake too. How old are you now Lidd! I make it eighty-three but I may be a year out.
And then we'll hit the road again. I fancy going to watch one of those telly quiz show thingies being made. Get on my mobile and see if you can get us a couple of tickets Old Bean.

Ooooh you are awful...but I like you!
Eighty three indeed. I'm 44 give or take a decade or two. Gordon Ramsbottom! Wow- you're pushin' the boat out today darlin'. White chocolate pud. Mmmm. I'll sit quietly in the corner feedin' me face while you an' Gordon 'ave your little contest. I ain't sworn for years as well you know. Can't remember 'alf the words. My Philma sent me a card and a photo of Tiddles, both in matchin' outfits. Got me wonderin' wot I'm gonna go 'ome to.
Never mind. Let's forget that and get going. Can we see that nice bloke wiv the boxes..can we Addy, please Addy? I wanna see if he's in need of me pollyfilla like poor old Tim. Can we go Addy, please Addy????

Phewwwwwwwwww
That took a bit of doing, getting rid of all the groupies. Life is hard when you are a leading lady Will you still speak to me Addy and Liddy, now that I'm a celebrity? Tell you what, I'm not going on that grumble in the jungle programme Load of has-beens. Some one mention chocolate pudding??
Great Aunt May.

Did you sign your autograff May? What name you usin' these days? Is it still May Pole or 'ave you changed to May Day? You givin' off lots of signals so I guess it's May Day, ay May?
Cor- I'm right full wiv that pud. Luvverly it were. Well done for winnin' the swearin' contest Addy. Knew you would. Where you appearin' next then May? Be sure to ask your pals along. We won't show you up (much!!). I fink you would do well in the jangle fing. People will pay a fortune for you to stay there. Hehe. We would come and see you once in every ten years or so. We saved you some pud. You can take it to the jangle wiv you. Be all 'ot and sticky. You can call it Sticky Jangle Pud.
Ah well, anuvver birfday nearly gone. Who's is next? Don't wanna wait too long for a knees up.
Come on then Addy. That box fella's 'ere. Ooh no- he's a lucky boy. Don't need me pollyfilla just yet.

Wot, me ++++++ well swear? Not ever! I'm a ++++++ lady I am. Always +++++ well have been so ++++++ there! That pud was good ay Lidd? Three helpings were enough though. I don't have the appetite nowadays.
And who is that box fellow that you keep on about? You don't mean that magician that died after somebody hit him do you? Hoodunnitt---that was him!
Have you seen how old May has gone all posh in her dotage? She thinks that she's a leading lady now! Ha ha ha. Leads the men astray still doesn't she Lidd?
Right, the recording is about to start. Shall I yell out BOO HISS when he comes on?
And you forty-four dear? Well that Gillian person might be but old Liddy is ninety if she's a day! Addy(the beautiful)

Happy Birthday Liddy dear, I have sent you a signed programme from the show It might be worth something in years to come. The chocolate cake was yummy, you must give Hudson the recipe. He's quite a dab hand in the kitchen, and elsewhere.
I've been invited to the premier of the James Band film, must go; Tranny and Sussanag are giving me a make-over for my walk up the red carpet. Mustn't disappoint my fans
Great Aunt May.

Well Liddy, if that daft Great May thinks that I have any of Gordon Ramsthingy's secret recipes she's wrong! Her Hudson can find his own chocolate puds! Don't reckon that's his real name either Lidd. I think that he got the idea of calling himself that off the telly, from that "Under the Stairs" programme. They probably think that it sounds posh! Not much will better the wonderful appendages of Coal-Bunker of Nuffield Owen though dear!
That recording was good fun, but I expect they will cut some of it. I did enjoy all that shouting though. What shall we do next then Liddy. I've got the limo for another week yet.
Got any ideas? Addy.

Hello ladies (and Addy!!!) I'm back agen. 'Ad me piana exam yesterdy mornin'. Fink I mighta made a boo boo wiv me pieces. Never mind ay?
I did enjoy that recordin' lark. Old Noel is a looker even at his time of life. I fancy a toy boy- so long as May ain't got 'er claws in 'im.
Ta for me birfday do too you two! Never sin so much white chocolate in me life. That Gordon and 'is swearin'! Lummy- don't know what you gettin' all hoity toity about Addy. You give as good as you get, darlin'. Talk about words I never 'eard before. Made me blush to me roots.
Sorry May- yer program was right lovely but Addy run over it in the Lino. I told 'er it 'ad fallen out the car door, but she woz too busy munchin' on 'er toast wiv jam and mustard. 'Ave you ever 'eard of such a fing? Wot 'appened to good old scrambled egg wiv toe clippins'? Mm yummy.
So where we off to today then Add? I know a good music mooseum 'ere in Kent. We not too far away now so we'll go there shall we? Don't sit and play the harpy chord or they'll think you old enough to be an exhibit! Hehe. Ooh mind where you put that crummy horn- you'll do yourself a mischief!

Oops! Why did you make me buy that crumhorn Liddy? Shove it in the back with the other stuff; I'll use it to pull my curtains shut when I get home. I don't know what you mean about my language either Lidd. I did pick up a few choice words from our old gardener I suppose. He was an ex-military man and he used to yell some right rude things at the ants nests in the lawn. Moses his name was. We used to call him Moses Lawn 'cause he was so very fussy about getting all of the lines dead right and straight when he cut my grass. He ran away with that redhead from the dairy.
I don't know why you fancy a toy boy at your age dear but if you like I'll try to find you an action man. That is what you meant isn't it ? We'll call in a big toyshop after we've been to the museum place.
After that we really should sort out our duet for that concert thingy in Chester. My agent has suggested that we sing there to show the young ones how we have preserved our voices by being careful with them in our formative years dear. I think that in your case though it was the embalming fluids that have kept it young! Either that or the gin that you have on your porridge each morning. I've been a little embarrassed by that over breakfast in these posh hotels I can tell you. Ah well. it takes allsorts, as my uncle Bassett used to say.
Right, what's in this music museum place then Lidd? Have they got your old music master in the corner? Or your old copy of Smallwood's Piano Tutor? Those first editions are worth a mint now dear. You tell me all about it while I drive. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Ay Liddy, I'm getting good at these flying gear changes.