Headlines in Spanish newspaper.

Moby Dic* seen heading along the coast of Spain. Two people seen on top. Spanish Navy informed.





My husband has just said he doesn't understand why we do the OLTVA Anyone got a spare room??

[... hides hubby's pyjamas and leave a hair shirt instead... ]





Lavvy

Still no sign of Great May and now Lidd seems to have gone too. Ah well, time for a nice long ride out on old Dobbin I think. I wonder if we will manage to splash mud over the walkers in the wood like we did last week.
It is quiz night at the Camel tomorrow. I hope that they will be back by then. We need a full team to beat that rabble from Benllech.

I'm a very knowledgeable soul, Addy, so much that I've just fed a whole African village by donating 10000 grains of rice.

May...

Is that the Statue of Liberty I can see just over there?...

NO Clarri, it's a Spanish Sailor on the end of a rope. He's come to save us. Quick, put this harness on, and we'll be on a ship with hundreds of sailors. Bad luck old bean
We'll be in Lisbon by morning.
"All the nice girls love a sailor..........."
The captain says he'll have us taken to the airport, after we've spoken to the Spanish and Portugese newspapers. Home in time for Addy's quiz night Larry.
May.

I wish that the others were here to help me to mug up on a few things. I know that Tony Blair is not PM any more but I cannot remember just who is now, and I don't know the top ten pops or the film that won the most Nobel Prizes at the Booker awards the other week or who is the winning rugby team either. Oh dear! We aren't going to win the quiz at this rate.

Yoo-ee gels! What ya's up to then?? Put the kettle on Addy dear while I stick me finkin' cap on me 'ead an' get some a ya questions fer the fingy tomorrer.

May..put that sailor dahn dear..ya dunno where 'e's bin...

Hello dear. Why are you reading...what is it?... The News of the World?! Don't think you'll learn much from that somehow.

You'd be amazed Jerrycan old bean!

I'll 'ave yoo know I is readin' a paper what is called the Male on Sundy. Ain't no sign of no male though..tipical that innit? Ah well..'ere's a question for you's..

'Ow is that fing in the sky what is called a black 'ole formed?

By Ms Lydia Coal-Bunker launchin' Stoopid Bert in the air fer breakin' 'er best plate after 'er dinner. Stroof an' flippin'' 'eck.

"Bert! Do not break that plate whatever you's do as it was my muvvers an' 'er muvvers' an' 'er muvvers' an' 'er muvvers before 'er!" Says I.

"Good job it weren't a knoo one then innit?" says 'e!

I fink 'e is 'angin' onta the space shuttlecock fingy fer dear life.

'Ere's annuvver question.

What is that great May an' Harry Larry doin' then?

Kettle's on.

Dunno Lidd!

Panad and a slice of birthday cake?

I don't know what they're doing. I wouldn't mind some of whatever they've been drinking though...

Who's birthday is it then?

It was an old fellow that lives lived in our village's wedding cake. He was 117 years old but he dropped dead the day before so I stole his cake. It used to say Happy Wedding Day on the top but I re-arranged the letters to read "Addy Happy Dew Gin" instead. One slice or two?

A piece a cake an' a panad would be right smashin' darlin'.

"Penblith 'appis bathoil Idris"

One more question for yous dears. When did ya pal Liddy last 'ave a baff? Was it two mumfs or free? I finks I'll 'ave one anyways. Won't 'urt will it?

*When are you gonna start answerin' me questions then? We won't win nuffin' tomorrer if yous lot don't answer nuffink. Good job I 'as got some brains in me 'ead innit?*

Right Lidd. I'll answer your questions now.

I cannot remember when you had a wash, let alone a bath, but you did get caught in a heavy storm a few days ago so that will do I think. It doesn't do to bath when the weather is so cold. Wait until the summer.

Harry Parry was swallowed by a whale (Winford) when you tipped him into the sea and then he spat him out again near to his home. Alas Harry walked home but took a wrong turn and ended up at Land's End. The dafy thing kept on going and fell into the sea again just as Winford happened to be passing. He got swallowed again and that was the last I heard of him. That'll teach him, Lidd!

I don't know where May is. She's just gone off.

A black hole happens when the universe expands too fast and there is nowt to fill it.

Have some more cake and stop asking so many questions, Old Ticket.

Stop asking so many questions? Eh?? You need yer practice for tomorrow!

Talking of the papers, I'm reading the Daily Male - well, what is getting into girls' heads these days that they want a new male every day, do they all play musical chairs?

Any of that cake left?

Male, MALE, where, quick tell me

Here we are Addy, we're back. Larry and I just had a whale of a time, it was a smooth ride
The Spanish Navy are lovely. We were treated to a slap up meal, Larry was allowed to steer the ship, and I had cocktails with the Captain.
We gave an interview with the papers, and Larry is now a Portugese hero, having saved Maybelline Ponsonby-Smythe.
We flew into Bangor airport this morning ready for the quiz tonight.
Clarri's special subject is , Winford's swimming style.
May.

May, you great duffer, if you flew into Bangor airport you are probably in the wrong country because there isn't one. If you flew into Mona or RAF Valley you would be fine. That was perhaps where you meant.

I have looked you both up on Google and there were some amazing pictures of you there. You didn't fancy staying in Portugal then?

Quiz night tonight so make sure that you know who the prime Minister's cat is May. They always ask things like that.

Panad?

'Ere Add.. look what Winford did ta Larry..made 'im all swelled up

*What you's grinnin' at Add??

I am grinning because it reminds me that we have vegetarian sausages for supper!

Got enuff fer ya old pal then Add?

Of course Lidd. Plenty to go round. You can even bring your Bert if you must.

Ooooh flippin' 'eck. Do I 'ave ta bring old Stoopid wiv me Add? I'm better orf on me own gel.

Actually perhaps you could lock him in the shed like you usually do. He always seems very happy in there. Supper at six and then off to the quiz? We can take Eddie if I fix his tail lights on.

Righto ducky..sahnds like a plan. I's gonna be late though 'cos that fella at number 2 wants a pianer lesson agen. 'E asked me ta bring me metro gnome so's 'e can feel me tempo. Cheeky beggar ay Add? Ain't 'e a cheeky beggar Add?

'Ere, has Off His Head Tim got aht the chimney yet?

Still up there Lidd. Has a chat to Tickles whenever she plays with the big organ, and sometimes she plays that flute that was thrown up there too.
Looking forword to the quiz Addy.
May.

A winning team we'll be, Ladies.

Is your specialilty what is to be found in the various supermarket skips Addy?? Liddy, what's yours??

How rude of you Great May! No, inded it isn't. That is just called keeping down the cost of living! My specialist subject is natural horn playing through the ages.

Sorry Add, I should have known. Full of hot air you are

My bestest subjict in the weld is my boy Wiggy, as well you know Maybeline Pole.

What's yours then?

Men and their peculiar little oddities Lidd, as you well know. Oh, and of course The Mating Habits of the lesser spotted winkle

So, what's the difference between men an' the lesser spotted Winkle then May? Ain't none I reckon

Winkles are winkles and men are men Liddy.
Winkles are low life that live in shallow rock pools.
Lidd, you know Add has a natural horn?? Well ,what happens if there's a flat in the music??
May.

Being the wealth of knowledge that I am not, I don't have a specialist subject... Any ideas?

Hmm..are you's sure it's winkles what live in a pond May? Old Larry seemed 'appy enuff in Winford, an' I bet old Rusty could cope in a pond.

You are daft May, ya reelly reelly are daft May. Add's natural 'orn means it's err...an 'orn...naturally.

*I dunno abaht no flats in an 'orn May *

Kettle's on...

'Ello Jeronimo. You's could answer questions abaht them haggy fings eh? Where's ya pal Trudy gorn then?

Ah yes, the art of haggai-hunting! Ta everso

I think Trudy went to vist that fella... York Minster or something. Very strange people in that part of the world, or so I hear.

Yes, St George may well be pond life Lidd.
They must be strange to get flutes and Barking Toms in organ pipes in York.
YOU could specialize in all things of a Scottish nature Juney. LIke the haggai as Lidd said, and whisky, kilts, bashed neeps, Bigmac, Tattoos.
Naturally a horn eh Lidd............. hmmmmmmmmm.
May.

Ooh yes..I 'ave eard through Geremy Vine that them folk from York are right odd an' no mistake. That Lavvy got 'erself blew up in my old 'ouse diddun she?

Ah well..nowt so queer as folk ay darlin'?

Talking of tattoos Lidd and Joanie. Who do you reckon has one........and where??
Larry has a little red devil on his shoulder. I saw that when we were surfing.
Do you reckon anyone else has one??
May.

That'd be telling.

Did Larry have a little white angel on his other shoulder, to argue with the devil?

Not saying Flossie, I might embarrass the poor lad
Go on Joanie, you can tell your Great Aunty May.
May.

So luvvies, you've all got your subjects, what about me? Ooh, I know, Horrigami!

Look at the pipe I've made!

I can offer my services as hexpert on traditional sports - welly wangin', shin kickin', dwarf throwin' an' cheese rollin'.

Rhonda

That's our team all sorted then. Off to the Camel it is then. What are we going to call ourselves?

[.... heads off to the Camel to swap all the questions ....]



Lavvy

Now then Rhondda. Do you throw the dwarves, then chuck the cheeses at them , or roll the cheese and try and hit the moving cheese with a flying dwarf?? Also, whose double chins are you kicking?? Bit violent isn't it

A team name.........hmmmmmmmm. May ponders How about " The Woodentops" ??

Great Aunt May.

Woodentops eh? That may make us sound a bit dim-witted May and we are anything but that. Let's just call ourselves the OLTVA.
Anyways here comes the first question.


Who won the FA cup in 1974?

Lidd will remember that. her old man, Mr Coal-Bunker was a dab when it came to football. Quick, write the answer down Lidd.

Now for question number two.

Which biblical character was swallowed by a whale?

That'll be Harry parry. Quick, write that down.

We're doing well so far.

Question 3.
Who established a series of recitals at Rotherhithe in 2008?

I don't know the answer to that one. let's just put down Gordon Brown for a laugh.

Question 5

Who is the Prime Minister of the UK?

Tell you what girls, put Jonah down. You know that lad from the corner shop who is always putting the world to rights. he'd love to be PM. I don't expect that Maggie wil ever resign though.

What's next?