You mean that he didn't die in the same house as he was born Lidd? Now there's posh! That never happens round here.
Born in a place called Born eh? Now that's odd.

Born Free, as free as a window

Hello Girlies I'm back I've been away to a lovely therapy place called The Priory, so from now on I'm not touching men, drink or anything that is bad for me.
Glass of spring water anyone??
May.

You mean that they let you out May?

I am thinking of joining a local monastery. I'm off men too.

Eddie and I have come to watch the race. Actually I have let him into the parlour and we have the radio on and a photo from the paper of the runners. I am going to hold it up infront of the radio and wave it up and down as they go. Good, eh?

I have bets on the 500 to 1 horses. Good plan eh?

Let's have a quiet evening in Addy. The ponies can curl up by the fire. We can have crumpets and tea, with lashings of butter, ( sorry, Enid Blyton strikes again ), and wild flower honey.
We could play bored games, and sing songs.
What do you say Addy??
May.

Hang on... You're off men? Off men?!

Absolutely Juney.
Panad??
May.

A panad would be lovely.
So, what are you going to do in your spare time now then?

Um? Well? Err? Em?
Shall we open a bottle of Chablis Joanie??
May.

That sounds like an even better idea. You could, umm... knit?

I could knit, yes, or we could go for a knees up at the pub, and maybe have a sing song. Add could do a terrapin song There might be some men there Joanie
may.

Monasteries are no fun at all! Not to be recommended! No-one spoke apart from when I made them all laugh aloud by telling them a rather rude story over supper one evening and they can't make a decent panad for little apples. Actually they did make some rather good booze from little apples but apart from that the food was awful and we had no television. I am off to the Camel for a bit of fun. There's a lock in there tonight so I'll park Eddie at the back with a full nosebag and party!!!!!

I'll join you Addy. I can't keep this good behaviour up for a minute longer
Open the bottles May's back

Contrary to gossip, Great Aunt Dilys is NOT harrietvanders!!!










her nephew, d

Dilys old thing, we never thought it for a moment! (Daft old twit! She's ninety-nine if she's a day! )
You stick to knitting those flower arrangements, Dear. (All she's good for now poor ancient thing!)
Is anyone around for a panad and a song? I've got the Ivor Novello out.

My young friend Beverley is having a party over on another thread. Shall we join them and wreak havoc old bean??
May.

Crumbs, I knew you could sing a song or two, but I had no idea you were so talented that you won an Ivor Novello award for composition Addy...

No, no Batty you old fool. Not the award., silly! I found an old tailor's dummy in a skip outside of MossBros many years ago and took it home. Lidd and I dressed it up to look like Ivor Novello and when we sing his songs we get him out and prop hin up in the corner to listen. He is a bit shorter that he used to be because we put him a bit too near to the fire once and melted his feet off.

Who is on for a swift chorus of "Keep the Home Fires Burning" then?

How DARE you call me an old fool. That's blatantly untrue Addy.

I'm a young fool. Get your facts straight.

You said it, Sunshine. Now bung the kettle on and have a panad with Eddie and me. (Anything to stop him blowing that beastly clarinetty thing eh Ed? )

Addy, Liddy, Clarry, I thought you ought to know dears. Joanie has been arrested for being drunk and disorderly, and doing the Highland Fling in Sainsbury's booze aisle
The judge has ordered that she has to go to be dried out and have her clothes sorted by Tranny and Sussanah. She HAS to wear a heel and boot cut jeans from now on. When she gets out of there that is
Poor girl.
May.

Sounds fine to me! The drunk and dancing bit that is rather than the boots bit. What I would do in my muddy firlds without my trusty wellies I really cannot imagine.

Anyone for a panad with a splodge of something else bunged in? I have fig rolls too.

Are the fig rolls in date Addeline??
Have had a letter from Joanie, she is a dry as a salt and vinigar crisp THey've had her parading around in high heels all day to get the balance right, and her flares are so wide, you could sail in them.
Add, she'll make us look so old fashioned dear
Put the kettle on
Maybelline.

In date? No, May of course not! They are in fig! They would be date rolls otherwise. (Crumhorns, Liddy, this is hard work!)
Ther are a little overdue but taste fine to me.

Bung the kettle on May old thing.

Kettles' on Add. Where is LIdd. Haven't seen her for ages. Has Stoopid Bert been keeping her busy??
Carrot cake dear??
May.

Alas, no! Stoopid Bert ran away with the bus driver's wife, Florrie with the lorry. I think that it was the paint work that attracted him. Well, that and her big end.

Lidd is in her element! She has been trying to get shot of him for years. She has gone off to the city for a break (Bangor that is rather than London or Paris) and taken loads of money and clothes with her. She's up to something and I don't know what!

Pass us a slice of that carrot cake May Old Bean. My Eddie loves carrots. Did you use some of the ones from his feeding trough? We should go down to the Camel later. There's a kakeeoakie competition there this evening and the winner gets a weekend in Leeds at that Forum Event thingy. What shall we sing May?

What shall we sing indeed??
Hmmmmmmmmm. I shall contemplate Ouch that was painful Add.

What about that well known duet "Refreshed by the surf", with the backing from "Barry and the Whales."
OR how about the one that starts,
"Atop the misty Scottish Ben's, where the golden eagle soars.
When Big Mac wears his kilt, do you think that he wears ............."

Or should we sing something a little risque Add?

I wonder what Lidd is up to? If she's finally got rid of Bert, then the world is her oyster. We haven't heard from Larry for a while. Reckon they have run orf together Add??
May.

With Bert gone the world is indeed her lobster, May.

Our songs went down a real treat at the Camel and we won that free trip to the Leeds thingy. We will need to take plenty of warm clothes with us. It gets very cold in those parts, even in May, May!

Liddy and Larry eh May? Stranger things have happened. Who can say!

Panad?

Panad with a little scotch as a chaser. I could do with being chased our Add

Lidd and Clarri. Hmmmmmmmmm?????? Who knows

DO you fancy a crumpet Add??
May.

Always ready for some crumpet, May. Eh, I had a postcard today from Liddy. Shall I read it out to you? Well, I shall anyway:

'allo Add. Guess where I am? Well yer won't, not in a million years, so I'll tells yer. I am in Bognor 'aving a whale of a time an' no mistake. I am 'avin as good a time as someone wot is 'avin a really great time. I 'av ad a noo 'at Add an' a noo coat an' a frock an' all an' right proper posh I look too. I got shot of Stoopid Bert an' not before time an' all and I's fahnd meself a noo fella wot is very 'andsome and wot has got lots of money as well. That May will be green with envy her will. See you soon, maybe!

Lots o luv, Lidd.

Who's she gorn orf with then May?

Well Add, it's all in the postcard my dear. She's having a "whale of a time". A Whale Addy. It's bound to be that Clarry Larry Barry chappie. I hope he knows what he's up to. Loads of money eh?? Won't have it for much longer if Liddy is shopping all the time
Juney wrote to me, and said she's had her colours done. Do you think she's had these highlights that make you look like a zebra I hope they don't put her naked on the shopping mall wall for all to see, in all her glory
A swift snifter Addy??
May.

Yooeee gels (an' May!) I's back from me romp in Bognor. Glad yous got me card Add! Did yous miss me then? I shot got shot of old Stoopid. 'E's gorn orf wiv Lilac Lil from Lincoln. 'E reckons there ain't nowhere in the weld what does a good sausage like them what lives in Lincoln. Good riddance I say ay gels (an' May)?

Did I miss much then? Ooh I see that George fella stood up that poor, sweet, kind, gsoh, caring, supportive, ugly as sin luvverly (in the right light) DaisyChain at 'is birfday bash. Sahnds like old Rusty eh? If 'e's at that Leeds do, I'll stick an 'ole in 'is bucket an' no mistake.

'Ere Add! What we doin' at Leeds then? We singin' or what? Let me know soon as ya like ducky.

Ta dear. Kettle's on!

To quote you dear Liddy. " About bloomin' time". Where've you been you old t*rt?? We've missed you.
I quite agree about old St George. Make his bucket quite quite holy
Tea would be lovely dear.
May.

May really! You mustn't call Lidd an old tart. You are much older than she is! As we have won a weekend away in Leeds we should go and make a real spectacle of ourselves I think. Last year was good so this one must be great!! Some grand opera eh Lidd? Or how about a spot of ballet? I used to take lessons you know. I seem to remember you spitting at planes last year!!! That sand dance was a sight for sore eyes too. Can we really follow that?

Bung the kettle on someone. I need a panad before bed.

Sniff, sniff I can't do Leeds Add. I am otherwise engaged that wekend, a mile up to be truthful
More tea Add??
Lidd, did Stoopid Bert go orf with Lilac Lil, or Florrie the Lorry or both??
I'm having a bad hair day
May.

Just go pink like mine, Great may! It suits us older ducks. I think that Lidd is making up stories about her ex-Bert just to throw us off the scent of where she really went in Bognor and did what with whom. I want to know, Lidd.
Panad and large snifter, May?

VEry large please Add. I am so fed up with my hair. It's gorn this awful colour.........kind of greyish. I keep buying those thingies from Sainsbury's to get the colour back to it's normal vibrant red, but they keep wearing orf.
Sometimes Add, growing old disgracefully is tiring. Can we have a sit down old girl??
May

Get a grip May fer gawd sakes do gel. Ya hair looks alright fer one of yous advanced years ducky. You is old an' craggy an' ya hair is grey and finning on top. Stick ya hat on ya head an' forget abaht it dear.

Stroof ay Add? My 'air ain't sin a bottle of colour since me son Philma ran orf wiv me last box of 'air dye an' curlers. Come ta fink of it, me favourite dress disappeared at the same time an' all.

I went ta Bognor wiv me noo fella what is called sweet Pete from Crete. 'E is one of them Greasy types what is dark an' luvverly. A bit like chocolate eh? 'E is a decade year or two younger than me, but what the 'eck gels. You's pal is 'avin' a fine old time an' no mistake. Keep ya eyes to yaself an' all Great May.

I don't fink I will be doin' no ballet at Leeds if it's all the same to you Addy dear. Me days of pirooettin' are long gone swee'eart. I might manage a par dee doo wiv Rusty..then I can stamp on 'is toes! Be a laff eh? Me?? Spit at 'planes?? Never ducky!! (Hehehe! Fun tryin' though weren't it?)

Kettle's on...

Does Sweet Pete from Crete have 2 left feet Lidd. Or haven't you been upright long enough to find out dear??
I am not craggy. Just "lived in". I am not thinning either, and neither is my new young man. Only in his 50's I may add.
I have a new hat Lidd, it's red with feathers. Suits me perfectly.
Is Pete from Crete actually Jake from the Take.................away??
May.

Ya just jellus May you are ya just jellus.

How well you know me Lydia
May who would be very wicked given half a chance.

Really you two! Don't you ever think of anything else ever? Tut tut!! Now let's put the kettle on and put the world to rights over a large panad. Eddie and I did the skips yesterday so we have some rather flat maltesers, a flat lemon cake, some pears with squashy bits and some of yesterday's butties. Do help yourselves. It may keep your minds off men for s short while at least.
I'm off for a bit but I won't be too long. I promised to meet the new minister behind the cemetery wall.

Sorry to be pedantic Addy, but what exactly are you doing with the minister behind the wall???
Perspiring minds wish to know.
May.

Stroof Add..you's bin a long time eh? What 'ave ya gorn an' done to the poor Rev then?

*'Urry up an' tell us..we is dyin' ta know!*

"Dyin' ta know"...cemetary...get it???*

Never mind..me sense of hoomur is wasted on yous lot.

I think you have a grave sense of humour Lidd

I was choosing a plot and I was trying it for size! It took several hours but I can sleep peacefully now that I have assured myself that it is comfy and that the view is nice. I don't plan to pop off yet awhile but it's ready for me when I do. I think that I have another half century to go yet though.
I rather fancy a fish pond in the back garden. I have fancied one ever since that daft young fool, Batty Clari fell into that whale. There are some nice of those carpy things in Maud's pond. We could borrow a few one evening when she is at church. Who's up for that then?

I give the new minister 10/10 by the way.

10 out 0f 10 for what Addy?? His teeth, his enigmatic smile, his singing?? Do tell
Let's get you some fish then. When are you having the pond dug, and is the coca cola man digging it??
May.

No, none of those things, Great May A lady never tells, at least only when drunk. Let's have a few pints of sherry in the Camel later and I will reveal all. l

The man with the digger has been and gone, leaving a nice pond-shaped hole in the lawn. I have my eye on some damp proof membrane that is lying around in the new house that is being built at the other end of the village to use as a liner and then, when the rain has filled it we can go and rescue a few of those carpy fish of Maud's.

[... fills up the hole again with rocks and pebbles... hehe ]





Lavvy

Well, flip, darn and blast a lot! What has happened? We've had a land slide or something. The hole is full again. I know! It will be that old trout from the end cottage by the Camel. She has been making a rockery and it looks as if she has dumped the spare stones in my pool! How very dare she!!!!! She's never liked me since I beat her in the three-legged race with the Evans boys back in 1908 a few years ago.
I'll go round there and throw a big bag of horse droppings in her drive. That'll show her what I think of her filling up my newly dug hole with her rubbish! HUH!!!!

Stroof Add..calm yaself dear. Ya look mighty odd when yous 'avin' one of ya turns swee'eart.

What d'ya want Maudes crappy fish in ya pond for anyways? What d'ya wanna pond for in the first plaice...

*Plaice...get it??*

never mind..I'll make meself a cuppa...